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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

i feel so horrid asking this but........

111 replies

iliketosleep · 06/09/2007 17:22

how do i get the dead baby out of me? I have just found out that the heartbeat stopped and have opted to let nature do what its gotta do but is there anyway i can speed this process up? Im scared of having to go into hospital for tablets and pessaries etc etc

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Original poster

iliketosleep · 06/09/2007 21:00

anyone can add me to msn if they like

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justjules · 06/09/2007 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

massivebigpantsface · 06/09/2007 21:15

I'm so sorry, my cousin has just gone throught he same thing and I just can't imagine what you must be feeling.

spugs · 06/09/2007 22:11

im so sorry to hear your news iliketosleep, i havent got any advice im afraid as i had medical management and was only 6/7 wks. we did however start trying straight away and i fell after my 1st af.

as for it all passing, you should be offered a follow up scan in a couple of weeks to check. if they dont give you one pesteer them.

lots of hugs xxx

Original poster

iliketosleep · 07/09/2007 16:39

what do i expect when its time to "pass" the foetus? The nurse said as it is 12 weeks there will be evident pregnancy there making me think that i will wake up one morning to a tiny little baby lying in my pants i really dont know what to expect and she basically told me nothing

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sazzybee · 07/09/2007 16:45

The baby might have died when it was much younger - mine died around 8 weeks (they think) but I was 13 weeks when I actually had the mc. I had 3 days of really serious cramps - like labour pains - and passed big clots and I presume the foetus at some point but I decided not to look. There is no way you will wake up and find the foetus in your pants.

Arm yourself with solpadeine max (strongest painkillers you can get over the counter), really massive sanitary towels and lie on the sofa.

I'm so sorry - it's such a horrible thing to go through. I have an apple tree in my garden now in his memory which has helped.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 07/09/2007 17:05

no i was 10 weeks, i had a scan on monday and it was waving at me then had one again yesterday and it was dead

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winemakesmummyclever · 07/09/2007 17:17

iliketosleep - I am so so sorry to hear about your loss and the awful things you are going through. I hope that you are geting the love, support and care that you need - now and in the future.

I was on the March 2008 thread with you until I had missed m/c nearly two weeks ago. I started to bleed on the Saturday of the August BH w/end. Went to A&E and was scanned, where they found that the baby had died (was only 8-9 wks - I was meant to be 11-12wks). I was given an appointment for the Weds at the EPU, as they needed 2 senior drs & a better machine to confirm what the scan had shown. I continued to bleed all over the w/end. Monday night I started with cramping pains which gradually got worse and worse, and the blood loss got worse. It got to the point where I was passing clots the size of my hand (TMI, I know - sorry) and I was getting labour-like pains. So we went back to A&E, and I was admitted to the gynae ward. A scan the next day confirmed the loss, but the foetus was still there despite the huge bleeds. I chose to have a ERPC, stood my ground and got put on the list that day, then was home by that evening. I also needed two anti-D shots to cover any future pgs. The bleeding has been really light & has almost stopped now.

All my care was NHS - I have never heard of having to go private for ERPC following m/c. I had had 2 friends who went down the medical management route instead of ERPC, and they were incapacitated for at least a week. I made the right choice for me, but everyone is different with regard to what they can go through and how they cope.

Sorry that was an essay, but as we were at similar stages of pg, I thought you might want to know how things were for me.

Take care.

winemakesmummyclever · 07/09/2007 17:25

WMMC, my acronym twin: I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I hope that you are being cared for and things are not too bad for you right now. Take care.

evenhope · 07/09/2007 17:29

I've had 2 ERPCs and never had to pay..

princessandthepea · 07/09/2007 17:48

Hi, I'm a newbie but thought I'd add a comment coz I'm going through either a m/c or an ectopic at the min & it helps to hear from others who have been through it or who are going through it. I have just started with cramps today but haven't had any bleeding as of yet...am dreading it

flowerybeanbag · 07/09/2007 17:58

iliketosleep so sorry to hear your sad news.
You asked about what happens when you pass the actual foetus?
I had a mc at 7 weeks a few years ago, earlier than yours I know. The actual baby came out as a fairly big lump of what they call 'tissue', within the bleeding.
I imagine it will be the same for you, only a bit bigger. With me it happened when I went to the toilet.
Sorry for all this biological detail, but I think you are feeling a bit worried not knowing exactly what will happen?

flowerybeanbag · 07/09/2007 18:00

And thoughts to the others that have posted on here having lost or losing babies as well
It's so common isn't it? Doesn't make it easier though.

sazzybee · 07/09/2007 19:31

oh god I'm so sorry iliketosleep - I misread your OP. That's even worse

princessandthepea - I understand your anxiety but in some way I found the bleeding like a necessary process. It made me realise that my baby really had died. That's really the reason that I'm glad I didn't have an ERPC (it wasn't by choice - I mced over the weekend) as I was anxious that they would be killing my baby. I think it helped me come to terms with it.

Good luck both of you - it's horrible but you will get through it. Give yourselves time and space to grieve.

cocolepew · 07/09/2007 19:51

So sorry to everyone going through this. I m/c at 12 weeks and had a D&C the day after heavy bleeding/cramping. I did pass 'bits' in the bath and toilet. My babys' heartbeat had also stopped. Sorry I don't know if a D&C is the same as a ERPC. I let my next 2 m/c go naturally as I wasn't so far on. I have 2 beautiful dds' if this is any consolation to anyone wondering if they will ever have children.x

SauerKraut · 07/09/2007 19:53

You poor, poor people- had no idea it happened so much.

princessandthepea · 07/09/2007 20:49

Thank you sazzybee, I know I need to go through it & will just be relieved once its all over. I only found out I was pg a wk ago it was a complete surprise but I had a feeling something wasn't quite right. I realise that I'm one of the lucky ones though coz I already have a gorgeous DD. My heart goes out to anyone who is struggling having & carrying little ones

ronshar · 08/09/2007 00:01

I have two dds and have had a mc this year. I was given a choice about having an ERPC but I wasnt going home to wait as my body had held on to the dead bean for weeks! Didnt know when to give up.
No where in this country do you have to pay for ERPC as it isnt a cosmetic procedure. It is a normal gynea operation.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 08/09/2007 10:04

what actually is a ERPC? is it posh terms for the scrape or a d&C? I am also lucky enough to have 2 dds and 1 ds

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winemakesmummyclever · 08/09/2007 12:01

Hi iliketosleep - ERPC is the acronym for the awful sounding "evacuation of retained products of conception". It's no wonder that we don't use the full title is it? A d&c can be done if you are suffering gynae problems (eg really heavy loss), but you don't have had a m/c to have one. Hope you and everyone else is getting along ok today.

Original poster

iliketosleep · 08/09/2007 12:17

im fine thanks, to be honest i just want to be back to normal which is proving a bit difficult as i sort of kind of want the baby out of me now has anyone ever used the tablet method and if so what is it like?

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winemakesmummyclever · 08/09/2007 13:00

I know what you mean about trying to get back to normal. I kind of rushed myself back to normality after the ERPC, and ended up losing the plot a bit later that week (lots of tears, choclate & wine involved). So, try not to do to much and remember that it's ok to cry, moan and feel angry at the world and how unfair this all is.

Lean on those close to you. They will be your support through all of this (we're all here for you too). Make sure that you take the time to reflect on what has happened so that you can move on in the future. Most of all, love yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal (oh am getting all lentil-weavery & soppy now )

M dh has been my rock. We have a beautiful little ds and I cherish him all the more now. I think I have a different outlook on life as a whole really. Nothing is ever taken for granted and nothing is a given. That's the positive side of going through this, and working your way out to the other side.

You'll find your own ways of coping and moving on when you are ready.

Take care.

fawkeoff · 08/09/2007 13:10

so sorry for u ILTS...i have been through 3 missed miscarriages in the past, but i always opted for a d&c as i couldn't emotionally cope with not knowing when the baby would come out.I had all 3 d&cs on the nhs and was sedated.I was offered the tablet but felt it would be too traumatic for me to deal with.people deal with grief in their own way so do not feel ashamed about wanting the baby out of you because it is such a normal feeling,as you want to have some kind of closure on the situation.I hope you will be ok hun (((((hugs)))) x

Original poster

iliketosleep · 08/09/2007 13:12

i just want to get to ttc again its a rush against time to not get another august baby, i have 2 already as well as my dp who is an august bday and my one dd who is the 27th of july, i want a few weeks break between birthdays lol

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Original poster

iliketosleep · 08/09/2007 13:14

emotionally i am fine, i grieved the first day but normally im not the sort of person to let something get me down IYSWIM

I look at it as im soooo grateful that i have my 3 dc and it happened now rather than later

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