Just told my daughter

[lillypainter]

Hi I'm not a regular on here but today I need to reach out. I found out this morning that my 10 yr old daughters dad died yesterday of unknown reasons. (His wife called). I broke the news to her a few hours ago. She just kept shouting no and crying and writhing around like she was in pain it was and still is heartbreaking. An autopsy is going to done but he almost killed himself from too much pain medication last year. I have questions like should I let her see his body ? Do I send her to school on Monday ? What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ? I'm absolutely clueless and I can't handle this situation well. I'm a single parent. Any advice welcome. Please help me !

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't know how mature your daughter is so that would depend on a lot of things I suppose. I would say definitely go to the funeral for her to say goodbye but I think seeing the body may be too much. I went to see a friends body at age 16 and never forgot it. As for school just see how she feels. Ask her Sunday how she feels about going.

I'm so very sorry for your daughter losing her dad at such a young age. I don't think there are right or wrong ways to respond, it will depend on the circumstances, your daughter's maturity and her wishes. Keep talking to her in an age appropriate way, and you'll get many of your answers from her. With regards to school on Monday perhaps see how she feels. She may prefer to go and be with her friends or she may struggle. I'd tell the school what had happened either way so they can support her too.

My close friends husband died 8 years ago, and get soon who was 6 at the time didn't go to his funeral because that was his wish. I know if other situations where children have gone.

There will be people who know more on the link below, I believe that the organisation provide fantastic support for bereaved children:

www.winstonswish.org/

All the best to you both x

No to school unless she seems genuinely ok and wanting to go.
Absolutely yes to attending funeral.

Not sure about seeing his body. I'm leaning more towards no on that. I was 23 when my dad died and even then it seemed to much for me so I didn't and I don't regret it.

I'm so sorry for your DD's loss And yours.

Of course, this depends on your dd's wishes. A funeral may be too much for her.

I'm so sorry. Personally I would definitely not want a 10 year old to see body but yes to funeral. Let her lead you in her grieving, follow her lead for when she wants to talk/cry.

Have a look on Winstons wish and make sure school know so they can support her.
I'd say no to the body, yes to the funeral and let her lead with school. Best wishes.

Ok breathe, pause. You don't have to decide about the funeral yet, as there's an autopsy it's likely to be some weeks away. I think she will probably need time off school because she's in severe shock. You could do with some real life support I think - if you've got a close fried helping you you're going to be able to help her better.
Winston's Wish is the charity for bereaved children. Can you get a Dr's appt for her on Monday, and see if you can get her some immediate counselling? If nothing else the fact that you're taking charge will make her feel a bit more secure, even if the Dr's appt doesn't yield any action.
Let her sleep with you tonight. Just hold and love her and get yourself replenished where and when you can.
Inform the school.
I'm so sorry. Poor girl. And you, too.

I wouldn't let her see his body. That still haunts me and I was 40 when my dad died. But definitely let her go to the funeral. It's a horrible day but it helps with the grieving process.

I would say no to seeing the body my moms great nan had an open casket funeral she was about ten when great nan died she is in her 60s now and still remembers it and not in a good way

Have they been close lilly, will she know the rest of his family at the funeral?
I'd say no to viewing the body, it is a very intense experience, which might be difficult for her to cope with.
I'd encourage her to go to school, routine and friends will help her keep her life normal.

The funeral will be little while ahead I'd guess, so a lot would depend on how she was, what she wanted etc. Also a lot would depend on the family dynamics, would she feel shut out or included for instance.
But generally I'd be against a ten year old going to a funeral, though I would do other things to help her mourn and remember him.

Winston's Wish will have some good sensible advice for you, so worth a look.

My dad died when I was 9, so close to your daughter's age. I would encourage her to go to the funeral, it may help her deal with the grief now and into the future (it's been 15 years for me and it still gives me peace remembering all the lovely people that cared about him at the funeral). She probably won't feel up to learning much at school but follow her lead.
I would say seeing the body is a bad idea, the first time you see a body never leaves you so i don't think it would be beneficial for her.

1 in 29 children lose a parent so although some people can't imagine it can ever happen there will be other children out there in her position, there are many brilliant children's bereavement charities out there like Winston's wish that can give you some advice and support.

I would also say no to seeing him.
I would let her go to the funeral, if she wants to go.

So sorry for your loss.

My ds's dad died in similar circumstances last year, same age as your dd. The funeral is essential I feel, no need to see the body. We didn't go to the wake but the two of us went for a meal and the cinema. I helped ds make a memory box. I would say be honest, the thing that upset ds was confusion over cause of death, a first it was a heart attack, then a diabetic coma, then an accidental overdose, this confusion upset him the most, so we went to get a copy of the death certificate, unfortunately this was not amended so I plan to go to registrar myself to get a copy. We have still to scatter the ashes but I got a star for the Christmas tree made from some, ds loves the idea, his dad will be around every Christmas. I would say be as honest as you can and if she is ready back to normal routine ASAP, ds had only 2 days off school, the day after we found out and the day of the funeral.

Very sorry for the loss you have just experienced. You know your daughter best and I'd just keep taking your cues from her. I'm little bit different in the opinion about seeing the body. Recently a relative passed away and his 11yr son saw his body. It was a very sudden death and he hadn't seen him ill or anything like that. Just left home healthy one morning but never returned. So in a way it helped his son with understanding he was gone. I'm conscious that others have said it traumatised them though so it's really only you that knows what is best for your dd. Im also aware that I'm Irish and other countries look at our funeral/burial traditions very odd at times so I'm coloured from my experiences that mightn't work from someone outside of Ireland.
She is bound to ask a lot of questions so maybe be prepared with a few responses. Try be as honest as you can being whilst being as age appropriate. This is a tough time so look after yourself and seek help wherever you can

I definitely wouldn't let her see the body. It also haunts me when I saw a family member in chapel of rest.
Definitely go to the funeral.
Are you in touch with any of his family? You and DC seem quite isolated.
Try to get in touch.
His mother, father, siblings, any other children, even adult children? I would get in touch for DC sake as grief in isolation is unbearable. It would help her to share her grief with other people who loved him. If that's ok to say.
Sorry for yours and DCs loss x

Allow her as much time off school as she needs. Even 3/4 weeks or longer. She's just lost a parent. School should understand and if they don't then force the issue. MH is paramount and school is no place for a heavily traumatised child. Home comforts until she recovers

So sorry for your loss. I was a bit older than this when my Dad died, but for me School was good - as it provided some normality at an overwhelming time, I didn’t see the body, but I did go to the funeral. Be guided by her as well though, and make sure School are fully informed.

There's another thread on here where the OP has lost her husband and has 4 children. She said school arranged counselling for them. There may be some other suggestions on there too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3829563-Husband-has-died?msgid=94133868

May be a day or so off school if she indicates she would like that but after that, I would say get her into school as routine and being around friends is a positive thing. The school will be happy to help until she is feeling better.

Please take care of yourself. Someone you obviously had a close and positive relationship with has died and that will be painful for you too. Allow yourself time to grieve as well.

I wouldn’t let her see the body.

I think going to the funeral can be a good thing or a bad thing. It depends. She might well have an opinion herself. Would you go too or will there be other people there who can look out for her? It might not be practical for her to go. You might need to give her ‘permission’ that it is ok for her not to go.

I would encourage her to go to school but again you need to see how she is. Will the school be supportive? Could she try going and come home if it’s too difficult.

I tend to think people should go back to work or education sooner rather than later after a bereavement but I see a lot of posters on MN advocating taking weeks if not months of work. It just depends I suppose.

No to the body unless she wants to. School on Monday as normal but tell them. Funeral if she wants to.

Did she have much contact with her dad? I'd be inclined to follow her lead regarding school and the funeral- school should have some pastoral care that can help

I'm going to say no on viewing the body.

I don't regret seeing my dad - I was 42! - but I still get the odd creepy feeling of remembering it and thinking "OMD, that was so hard".

It's not regret, it's just a hard thing to have in your mind as an adult, never mind as a child.

I'm not a parent so maybe useless here but I'd say couple of days off school if that's her preference. Funeral - up to her I think. Probably yes.

I agree about not seeing the body unless she clearly expresses a wish to, and then make sure she understands (as well as anyone can) what it will be like.

Funeral absolutely yes. Are you ok to go with her - that may be hard for you depending on the circumstances of the split - or is there another close adult.

Regarding school I wouldn't push it at the moment but make sure that it is something that she knows will happen at some point when she is ready. So saying things like 'when you go back to school we'll make sure your teacher knows and will help if you get upset' It's hard to grasp the idea that life will return to some sort of normality but that is reality.

I would discourage her from seeing body. Encourage her on funeral but I wouldn't insist on anything.

When a child in my dds class suffered a bereavement (sibling) the teacher told the class the news and that child would be very sad, they were to be extra patient and kind. She also told class they were not to speak to grieving child about it, but if child spoke to them say something kind such as I am sorry that has happened to you. Basically might be good to speak to school for advice before deciding what to do about school.

School is going to be the best place to find counselling, rather than GP.

Generally the less time off school the better - I know with adults you would have time off work, but with children it is where all their friends are and a lot of support is accessed via the school. Being part of their normal life is also good.

Funeral - what she wants to do but v likely going will be a good idea.

Does she want to see him? I'd ask if it is even feasible as he may not be in a condition where it is advisable before bringing it up as an option.

Also have a look at Child Bereavement UK for later - they can also signpost you to your local child bereavement service. The school may well know who they are as well.

www.childbereavementuk.org

They have useful info for supporting children when there has been a sudden death such as with your DD

www.childbereavementuk.org/sudden-death-including-accidents-suicide-and-homicide