Just told my daughter

[lillypainter]

Hi I'm not a regular on here but today I need to reach out. I found out this morning that my 10 yr old daughters dad died yesterday of unknown reasons. (His wife called). I broke the news to her a few hours ago. She just kept shouting no and crying and writhing around like she was in pain it was and still is heartbreaking. An autopsy is going to done but he almost killed himself from too much pain medication last year. I have questions like should I let her see his body ? Do I send her to school on Monday ? What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ? I'm absolutely clueless and I can't handle this situation well. I'm a single parent. Any advice welcome. Please help me !

Ask her, I was in a similar position and the adults made decisions for me thinking they were doing it in my best interest. I was nine and remember knowing I wanted to go to the funeral but wasn't allowed, but equally if she doesn't want to go that's fine as well.

I am very sorry to read this your poor dd must be devastated. I would call the school on Monday to see if they can help you arrange some grief counselling and if they have any advice. I personally wouldn’t send her to school on mon but I guess it depends how she feels.

WOW! No words. I am sooooooo sorry. I hope your DD will be OK. Give her lots of hugs and love and support, to help her. Losing her dad at such a young age will never leave her... it's SO hard to deal with the death of a parent at any age, but losing a parent when you're a child is awful! I am so sorry........ for her.
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for you too. Hope you are both OK!

Other people here are being much more help with their links and so on. But I agree no viewing of the body.

If people are likely to be very distressed at the funeral, where and who she's seated with, and able to see, might need some thought, but I imagine that there'll be advice on that in those links. And yes, school on Monday but don't take her in until you've had chance to speak with the teacher and headteacher.

I took my daughter in mid-morning after a bereavement. That gave me chance to phone school, and for the class teacher to prime the other children before she arrived.

I watch the Rio & Kate Ferdinand documentary on iplayer yesterday. It was very good, worth a watch, and definitively contact the child bereavement trust, in the doc they were excellent.

Are you in England?

Admittedly I don't have a huge amount of experience but I haven't come across children routinely seeing the dead, in fact I can't think of anyone I know who has done this. But if there are cultural issues to bear in mind the advice might be different

So sorry you are going through this with your daughter. There was a thread not so long ago about seeing the body of a loved one, my mum died just before Christmas and we saw her body in the hospital a couple of hours after she died.

That was ok but the majority of people on the thread said they regretted seeing the body if it was more that a few days after the person died.

Its really hard with death isn't it, especially if you haven't had much experience

I would say no viewing the body- it can look very very different and not like 'dad'. No to school, a couple of days to process it, contact winstons wish and make sure you speak with the teacher about support moving forwards. Funeral I would say yes (I took my 2 and 5 year old to my grans funeral and it did my eldest good- she understood she was saying goodbye and why). We planted a memory tree and made a box into a favourite memory box. Paper dolls by Julia Donaldson is a very good book which touches on bereavement.

I agree with most people about not viewing seeing the body. She will gain nothing from this other than that being the last time she saw her dad, which I'm sure isn't how she wants to remember him

I'm sorry, OP.

My DP's dad died suddenly when he was 11. He says that going to school was the best thing (for him, at any rate), as it was a form of normality when everything else was horrendous and strange. And that was before schools had any pastoral care to speak of.

A friend of mine died when her DC were all at primary school, and they had a day off for her funeral but otherwise continued with school as normal. Their school was brilliant with them.

I know all situations and children are different, but I just thought I'd add these to the views. Thank goodness your daughter has got you.

I’ve sadly been through similar this year and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Kids will often carry on their normal life and actually the advice is that they continue with their routine. I would personally not send her in on Monday and instead talk to that school about how they can support her. It may be that they will need to be flexible for a period of time so that your dd can do short days and leave if she needs to. I would say be guided by her and how she is responding. It’s just incredibly hard.
I personally wouldn’t let her see the body but would be guided by her re the funeral.

I doubt they'd encourage viewing his body after a post mortem has been done.

Just be guided by her. Lots of cuddles and reassurance. She may start panicking that you may die too. And seek professional help via the school or Winstons Wish.

definitely no to seeing the body - the first time I had to do this was for my dd (someone had to recognise him) it wasn't him -& I would rather remember him how he was - its a medieval idea I think - but I think she will need to go to the funeral -I would talk to his wife & ask if you can attend with your daughter purely to support her - ask dd help to pick a sympathy card for her sm (& the rest of her family) from you - with a simple message - dd just needs your loving support - as pp says the post-mortem may take some time - this will be another traumatic time for her - let her talk to you or not - she may not want to eat much for a few days - it affects different people different ways.

The advice at work - yes I work in an area where unfortunately I come across bereaved children a lot - is always go to school.

It's really great to hear from people who have been the child in this situation that this is the right advice.

Going to the funeral is also strongly recommended although the child should have a choice - if they choose no, they should be able to remember later that they did have a choice if later on they wish they had gone.

I don't recall going to any funerals where I have seen madly distressed people. It's OK to see sad people at a funeral, we are all sad because we loved the deceased.

Seeing the body - well I didn't see my Dad's and I was in my 30s and had seen a lot of dead bodies. I just didn't want to. I wanted to remember him as a healthy loving man with a bear hug not as a dead body. If it's a big part of your culture, that's OK, but a child should always have a choice.

Sorry for your loss.

In terms of the viewing, I would say it would depend on the family culture and who else will be there. If your daughter's father was from a family where this is the norm, and there will be other children there, it may possibly be a very positive experience.

When my grandmother died, all her young great-grandchildren viewed her at the funeral home and posted pictures and paintings for her into her coffin. However, this is the norm where we were and the undertaker was her next door neighbour and trusted friend, so there were other reasons why they felt comfortable (plus they were all together).

I think in many Irish families this is the norm still. Be guided by your daughter because, of my cousins, one - who was an adult - felt pushed into seeing my grandmother because everyone else was and regretted it. We are all different.

No to seeing his body.
I didn't even go to see my darling son's body. I just couldn't bear it, I wanted to remember him as he was. I told my younger son and my daughter not to go either. I have seen enough bodies to know it is not appropriate for a child.
DH had to identify DS's body after he was found. I feel so guilty that he had to do that.

DF - I was in my late teens

I would let her see him if she asks.
I would definitely take her to the funeral unless she says she really doesn’t want to.
School is very individual. I think you’ll have to see how dd feels and how supportive they are.

How terrible
I’d say yes to school and funeral but no to seeing him

What was their relationship like? Were they close?

Dont forget to think about you too!!

Your payments will stop (assuming he paid) so your income maybe about to drop - see if you are entitled to anything extra now your circumstances have changed xxx

toria70 mostly a post-mortem isn’t a barrier to relatives seeing a body.

I think people are very different and for me, it’s immensely difficult when someone dies if I can’t see them afterwards. I think I would always resent it if someone had stopped me.
I’d definitely only do that if she asked though. I just wouldn’t prevent her if it’s important to her.

I would say yes, send her to school, unless she obviously won't cope with it. Having a routine, things to distract her, other people around, can be a good thing. Of course, let the school know what's happened and tell her that if she needs to leave the classroom, she can.

There's no need at all for her to see the body, and I wouldn't even mention it as a possibility to her. But definitely she should be at the funeral. It's an important part of the grieving process, having the public farewell.

Be prepared for the grief to ebb and flow. Some days she might seem fine, and then something unexpected will trigger it again. It's going to be tough.

One of my daughter class mates lost their mum a few months ago, the continued to go to school (I think they had one day off), I think sticking to routine as much as possible is important but obviously if she’s really distressed then keep her off for a day or 2.

Like others I wouldn’t recommend her seeing his body, maybe look through some photos of her with her dad so she remembers good things about him rather than her last memory of him being his body?

I would let her decide about the funeral.

God, what awful news.

I agree with others that I wouldn't let her see her dad. I think even if he looks 'ok' that's a lot for a child of her age to process. I would encourage her to go to the funeral, I was a bit younger than her when I went to my grandmother's funeral and it was fine. I think she'll look back and wonder why she wasn't there otherwise and it might help her to process what's happened a little bit.

I reckon probably no for school on Monday but be led by her and what she wants to do.

I had just over a week off school when my parent died and went back a couple of days after the funeral.

Thinking about the school thing, actually I think others might be right that she goes in if she feels ok.