Just told my daughter

[lillypainter]

Hi I'm not a regular on here but today I need to reach out. I found out this morning that my 10 yr old daughters dad died yesterday of unknown reasons. (His wife called). I broke the news to her a few hours ago. She just kept shouting no and crying and writhing around like she was in pain it was and still is heartbreaking. An autopsy is going to done but he almost killed himself from too much pain medication last year. I have questions like should I let her see his body ? Do I send her to school on Monday ? What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ? I'm absolutely clueless and I can't handle this situation well. I'm a single parent. Any advice welcome. Please help me !

School I would wait until Monday.

No to viewing the body.

She needs to attend the funeral and you need to go with her as her emotional support.

oh what a sad situation for you all. I think you have to remember there is no right or wrong. I wouldn't recommend seeing his body, I saw my dad's as an adult and I am pleased I did but I wouldn't suggest it for a child personally.

The funeral has to be her decision, I would say I would think it is a good idea for her to go as I would worry she might regret it later in life if she doesn't but I would hope they would make it "child friendly" if that makes sense. We made my father's as happy an occasion as possible so that the grandchildren who were various ages could all go and feel ok about it.

We have had quite a few children lose a parent in our primary school, whether they have been at school immediately after has varied depending on the family and the child but in general the ones who have coped best seem to be the ones who have been back at school and keeping as regular a routine as possible. The other children in the school were told someone had lost a parent and to make sure they were extra kind and understanding (but not told who) and then the year group of the children affected were told about their classmate (when the child wasn't there) and a lot of work was done with all the children. (It makes other kids worry about their parents too). I think at 10 she is old enough that she can make some decisions for herself but the majority of schools if not all have staff trained in grief counselling haven't they so they might be able to offer support to her that as parents we can't do. It must be a difficult situation for you too even if he was remarried.

All you can really do is talk to her, and listen to her. You will do the right things for her,, don't doubt yourself and you don't have to do what someone else would or wouldn't do x

So very sorry. What a shock for you both.

I wasn't sure about letting my son, then 11, go to my dad's funeral last year. They were very close and my son found it extremely hard, but afterwards he said he was glad he went and that it had helped him to hear lots of people saying lovely things about his grandad and telling him stories and memories of him. I wouldn't have let him see the body though.

I am not sure about a quick return to school- surely the child needs to be able to be very very sad, bursting into tears and generally not themselves for a good few days afterwards. I think it reassures adults if they return to school, but personally and I have been through this recently, older children may be emotionally devastated in the way that adults are, especially for an unexpected or unexplained death, and they may well have more than a few days off. Of course be led by her and if she wants to go in, that's the right thing to do, but I also know a child who went in after his mother died, his dad was proud of it, and he is still devastated by her death 50 years later. Getting on with normality is not always right IMO or even feasible with some older children.

On the school question I would take it a day at a time. if she want to go on Monday but then have a couple of days off and go back that might suit her

The couple of weeks after my father died I worked 5 days out of the 10 and that really worked for me but the days I worked were fairly random - I took three days off at the start then did a couple of days and had another couple off. I didn't attend a couple of meetings that I knew I couldn't cope with,

lillypainter I am so sorry, this must be so hard.

I've not been in your shoes; since my children came along I've only had the loss of my mum, so not the same at all. but I think if I were in your shoes I would Google 'Bereavement charity for children' and see what is available in your area.

EG
www.winstonswish.org/
or
www.childbereavementuk.org/

Perosnally I'd say

" ... should I let her see his body ?" I would encourage her not to. Remember him how he was. I never saw my dad's body and I was 39. not wanting to see the body is nothing to be ashamed of. It's totally fine to want to remember the loved one as they were.

"Do I send her to school on Monday ?" Personally no, I would not, I would keep her off as long as she wants. I'd talk to her class teacher so they know what has happened.

"What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ?" I'd definitely let her go to the funeral. My friend died a few years back and her 10 year old spoke at her funeral. I'd allow her the chance to do that if she would like to or perhaps encourage her to put together a photo display of her dad to be used at the funeral.

So very sorry for you both.

No to seeing the body.
Yes to going to the funeral but only if she wants to and only if you can go with her. She'll need to talk about it afterwards and will find it harder if you weren't there too.
You don't have to decide anything today though. Let her lead the way with school, see how she is managing when the initial shock wears off.

So very sorry OP - and there's lots of good advice on here. One thing to remember is that children grieve differently to adults, often switching in and out of grief - very down one moment and then almost back to normal for a period of time. That can make it hard to be sensitive to where they are (if that makes sense?).
Take it one hour at a time and yes to getting support - I rate Winston's Wish very highly. They are excellent in dealing with complicated deaths and can help both children and the adults caring for them.

Yes to funeral 10000% she should go unless she doesn’t want to.

I’d say no to seeing him. Allow her to remember his life and the good times. Seeing his body will stay with her for life and 10 is such a delicate age. Personally I wouldn’t even offer seeing the body to her

My son aged 10 wanted to go to his grandpas funeral he said because he thought papa would think he did not love him if he wasnt there. He did not go to the internment though.

I disagree with the majority here re viewing the body (that is assumiing that there were no disfiguring injuries involved, which from the sound of it they are not) - but ultimately if she doesn't want to, don't force it.
She absolutely should go to the funeral, whether she 'wants' to or not. Ten is quite old enough to understand that some things are duties which have to be done; and, perhaps more importantly, it is quite likely that she would later deeply regret not having gone.

I'm sorry for her loss, and for yours.

My friends kids wrote their mum letters and put pictures and cards into the coffin which gave them some comfort. Here in Ireland open coffins are the norm so I don't think many take notice of the body but they generally don't look like themselves so you should bear that in mind.

No to seeing the body. I would say yes to the funeral but maybe no to the graveside. I still remember seeing my grandfathers coffin being lowered into the ground and being even more upset.

I wouldn’t personally mention regarding seeing the body to her.
If she asks, in all honesty- explain to her the process.
It won’t be very nice, he’ll have had an autopsy, may have bloated etc and won’t be the same colour he was before.

Don’t tell her how she will feel, or how she should feel, or how others have felt.
So many comments on here saying people have been traumatised by seeing their loved ones dead- it’s not the same for everyone.
Death happens as much as birth does.
You can say no to her, she is too young imo to understand the enormity of her emotions but try not to sound patronising/ sugar coat the truth.
Truth helps this process.

I think she should be allowed to go to the funeral, it’s her father and nothing will hit you as hard as the death itself. Mourning with other loved ones will show her that she’s not alone.

You could ask her to write him a letter to put in the coffin with him, along with her favourite photos.

Just be there for her. Answer her questions.

When my Dad died, I was 28, I decided I didn’t want to see him but went to the chapel of rest and spent some time with him, with the casket closed. It was chance to be close to him and talk to him but I didn’t want that him in the coffin to be the last time I had seen him

That might be an idea if she expresses a wish to see him.

Re school on Monday, I would ask her what she wants. It may be she wants to go to see her friends and some normality or it may be she just needs to be with you.

I’m so sorry for your DD and you

I'm so sorry your going through this.
My dad died when I was the Dave age as your daughter and my mum didn't let me go to the funeral as she thought I was to young. I know she did what she thought was right, but I've never truly forgiven her for not give me the chance to say goodbye. I felt that it wasn't fair that people who weren't related to him were allowed to go and I, his daughter, wasn't. It really hurt and 30 years later it still hurts. My mum did she she thought was best, but for me it was definitely the wrong decision. I don't think it's a good idea to let her see the body, but please don't keep her away from the funeral of she wants to go. I wasn't given a choice and it hurt like hell.

Sorry for the typos in my previous post

She also told class they were not to speak to grieving child about it

I disagree with this. I remember the first day of school after my dad died and nobody mentioned it. I didn’t know if anyone knew, or they didn’t care, or what was going on. It really hammered home that this huge event in my life didn’t really affect anyone else. i would like to have been asked if I was OK. I wasn’t, but had to pretend I was because nobody asked.

O/p hopefully if you are a single parent you already have a dynamic where your dd can feel like she can show her upset. My mum could barely function so at 10 i had to step up and take on an adult role. I couldn’t bring up my feelings as my mum was going through it too and it made me feel like i would be upsetting her, or making my feelings more important, iyswim.

She’ll need to talk, to tell people. Counselling yes. Don’t underestimate the effect it might have. I was always told children adapt and move on quickly, which made me feel like i shouln’t be getting upset after a while.

It is a big deal. Let it be one. Getting “back to normality” wan’t good for me as again it just made it feel like a small hiccup in my life i should move on from. Be guided by her. Let her take time off school. As much as she needs. Let her see the body if she wants- i wish i had as i had fantasies for years about him not really being dead.

Bear in mind she may seem fine in a fee days, weeks or months, even years. But it’s always there, and she may feel once time has passed she can’t bring it up. Talk about him, tell stories, see if you can get some mementos. I have nothing but one old photo.

sory for your dd

i wouldnt let her see the body even if she wants to-all i remember are the last images of my dm dead and i couldnt get away from it fro years

dont let that be how she remembers him

I am so sorry to hear this. In UK it is not really the norm to view the body. As to a funeral I think that only you can judge. Do please try - however hard - to talk to her and answer her questions.

I agree with Jellybeansincognito "I wouldn’t personally mention regarding seeing the body to her."

In terms of class mates, I'd say if your dd wants to talk about this with people can but they may have no point of reference for her so may not be hugely helpful. They shouldn't bring it up, IMHO.

@lillypainter

To add to my other post my DM died when I was 5. I certainly did not go to the funeral and I cannot recall ever having been told that she had died. DF never really spoke of her although we did occasionally visit her grave in the churchyard. It was long ago and I can still remember the anquish of going to a bleak hospital and being made to sit in a corridor on a wooden bench with the hospital smell. Children were not allowed to visit adults!

DD's dad died when she was 7 and she went to school as normal because I figured the routine would be good for her but in retrospect I'd have kept her off one day to give the teacher a chance to tell her class as DD told her friends herself and became very upset when one "friend" responded "so?"

Encourage her to go to the funeral, it gives her a real way to say goodbye. DD was quite quiet about the whole thing until the funeral, I think she was having trouble processing it, but at the funeral when she saw the casket and realised he really was dead, and saw his family mourning she was able to mourn properly too. Don't let her see the body though, that would be too disturbing.

Ask her if she'd like to draw a picture or write a poem to be put in the casket and buried/cremated with him.

Be guided by her and what she wants.

But I am going to go against the grain here and say if she wants to attend the funeral and that is your cultural norm, absolutely let her do it.

I am from an Irish family with an English stepmum. In our community everyone visits the bereaved family’s house for a wake which includes the viewing of the remains. It’s completely normal and I don’t know anyone who is bothered by it. However when I was your DDs age my English stepmum was in charge. She had different attitudes and so I didn’t get to attend some wakes/funerals of people who were very important to me. I can remember feeling excluded back then and I still feel resentful now (nearly 45 years on) that I didn’t get to say goodbye to loved ones while other local, total no-marks did.

Sorry for your loss. I was 11 when my brother died. Was defiantly better going to school and being in a normal routine. My parents had great family opposition to us kids attending the funeral but I'm very glad that we did so I would encourage her to go unless she is dead set against it. Kids are more resilient than adults.