Just told my daughter

[lillypainter]

Hi I'm not a regular on here but today I need to reach out. I found out this morning that my 10 yr old daughters dad died yesterday of unknown reasons. (His wife called). I broke the news to her a few hours ago. She just kept shouting no and crying and writhing around like she was in pain it was and still is heartbreaking. An autopsy is going to done but he almost killed himself from too much pain medication last year. I have questions like should I let her see his body ? Do I send her to school on Monday ? What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ? I'm absolutely clueless and I can't handle this situation well. I'm a single parent. Any advice welcome. Please help me !

@ineedaholidaynow
Hi yes I emailed the senco teacher and she got back to me within hours which is amazing of her. She has given a lot of helpful advice.

OP that is good. I know teachers have very busy lives but for something like this that will affect one of their pupils so much they would want to know.

You can’t live with the one last time regret. You have no responsibility for that. I started down that path when my mom died. I’m convinced everyone does, but it’s not rational. There will always be a last time you saw someone and having it be seconds before their death is not necessarily better.

Op I completely understand why you feel bad but please please don’t. You could never have known. I’m really sorry your dd is going through this

@Purpleartichoke I guess your right about that. This is so hard. I barely slept and was just waiting for her to wake up so I could instantly be there. She was playing a bit of roblox yesterday with her cousin and friends and suddenly started wailing. Someone on the roblox game had said your dads never coming back and your the reason he died ! Instantly reported them but the damage had been done. How can people be this cruel ? Was that just really bad luck or do I have to ban online games forever now. I can't believe that happened. Trying to keep things normal and let her play her favourite game and that happens ?

I think this is standard for kids while horrible I’m sorry to say. I know a dc aged 11 who was told by another dc I’m glad your dad is dead

Most kids will be very kind but the odd one will not

@bluebluezoo. I've just gone back and re read your post and you're right, we did have very very similar experiences. Did you lose your Dad in the 80's too? I'm hopeful that things have changed nowadays and that grieving children are allowed to voice their grief.

Yep 80’s. Although i am concerned to see the same phrases being used here- “children are resilient”, “getting back to normality” etc. That certainly wasn’t my experience. You can’t get “back to normality” when your whole world has tilted. Nothing will ever be “normal” or the same again.

I think counselling is probably under rated and under used in these cases. Children need a space to express their own grief without worrying that they’re exacerbating others or expected to suppress their feelings and “get back to normality”.

@bluebluezoo The first thing my mum said was well we can start to get back to normality this week and at least she didn't see him much. So unhelpful and dismissive.

Unfortunately a lot of children will say pretty vile things, sometimes intending them to be that mean, but often with no idea of how hurtful they really are.

I've watched children ask their terminally ill parent 'When you die,does that mean I can have your iPad?' and similar.

These were nice, normal children who really loved their parents. Just no clue what a bloody awful thing that was to say.

You may have to go through a highly monitored period, especially with online interactions where children are notorious for saying stuff they wouldn't say to someone's face.

@bluebluezoo I very much agree. Children might not always fully comprehend the finality of death so they look to adults to mirror how they should be feeling. They have so many emotions they are trying to untangle. If they feel like they need to cry but all the adults around them are trying to make everything normal and shield them from pain I think it's creates the opposite effect and they suppress the sadness.
I think it's very healthy to for children to see adults cry and speak about grief as openly as they can. We speak about it with the children of our relative who passed away.
We talk about the different stages (anger, denial etc.) and how normal they are. And tell them how we are feeling(in a measured age appropriate way). It has led to lots of surprising conversations where we have gotten an insight into what they are thinking and feeling

@lillypainter i'd not be paying any attention to your mum in this situation. there's plenty of info saying children do understand in their own way what is going on when they lose a parent from as young as 7., unfortunately, I know from experience that suppressing the feelings isn't good for you so ignore anyone that tells you to let her just get on with it.

It's understandable to have those what-ifs but please be kind to yourself.

My sister is autistic and 10 years old and we lost our grandad in November last year and she found it helpful to ask people questions about it very literally as she likes to deal with emotion with facts.

I am sure lots of others have responded, but I'm so sorry you're going through this and for yours and daughter's loss.
I went to funeral aged 14 and was glad to have been. I also saw the body and it isn't something I have wanted to do since based on that experience.
You know your daughter better, but perhaps that is helpful to know. Funerals are, of course, emotional and tricky, but not more difficult than losing a father. I wasn't allowed to go to another funeral years before then and resented not being given the choice. Again, that is only helpful as another person's experience and all children are different.
All the best at a very difficult time.

Hiya OP, I’m going through similar my DC’s are a lot younger than your but their DF passed away after Christmas. I’m just here to offer a handhold, I would also say that you know your DD best re the funeral, but it may be a good chance for her to say her goodbyes. Counselling also may be a good option

This happened to us last year. The school were great and played a very important role for me feeling things were going to be ok. I told my kids on Friday night. They reacted in the same way you describe. I emailed the headteacher 6am Saturday. Luckily she picked it up and we had a call that afternoon. We made a plan of how they were going to tell the rest of the kids in the school. Her concern was not just my kids but also the rest and reassuring them.
Email went out to parents on Monday saying a child had lost a parent so they need to be ready to support their kids etc. It was in the news so I expect many knew anyway.
Kids in school were told at 9am. At break time my child went into school. The first two days were really hard as she felt different and got a lot of attention but it settled quickly and the normality and routine were essential.
If it is suicide it is a very cruel burden for a child to carry. I have had very little support given the enormity of the situation. There will hopefully be a child bereavement charity in your area. They have massive wait lists and usually don’t provide support for 6 months. We still haven’t accessed ours as the child needs to understand the suicide before and we haven’t been able to have that conversation. In the meantime we have been reeling but I think settling.
The kids did go to the funeral but didn’t see the body. I think that was the right decision.
Sorry for brevity but I wanted to share my experience before the kids wake up. I’m very sorry for your daughter and for the parenting challenge you are now left with. People are remarkable at dealing with things you didn’t think possible. But the aftermath of suicide is bloody difficult and very complicated.

I'd say yes to funeral. My kids went young and it helped them. I find them very healing. I didn't go to my mums at 7 but would have liked to. Went to the memorial though.

I haven't been to see any of the bodies though. Not sisters, not dads. And I'm happy with that.

My three children went to my father's funeral on Friday. I think it was the right choice. They heard me give the eulogy, heard lots of nice things said about Grandpa and enjoyed the food afterwards. I don't think it affected them too much. None of them cried. I do think it helped that they knew from the start how poorly he had been. Also, being very honest, they didn't see him super regularly and he was a quiet figure in their lives, rather than someone they saw daily or weekly. Hard to gauge for any other children, but I definitely think it was the right choice for us.