Just told my daughter

[lillypainter]

Hi I'm not a regular on here but today I need to reach out. I found out this morning that my 10 yr old daughters dad died yesterday of unknown reasons. (His wife called). I broke the news to her a few hours ago. She just kept shouting no and crying and writhing around like she was in pain it was and still is heartbreaking. An autopsy is going to done but he almost killed himself from too much pain medication last year. I have questions like should I let her see his body ? Do I send her to school on Monday ? What about the funeral ? Is she too young to go through the funeral ? I'm absolutely clueless and I can't handle this situation well. I'm a single parent. Any advice welcome. Please help me !

OP.. <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0613819012&ved=2ahUKEwiH1t-Z-uXnAhWZRBUIHS8pDXwQFjAKegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw09fkGz_Uyc7-SdGF3LhehO&cshid=1582401842957?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0613819012&ved=2ahUKEwiH1t-Z-uXnAhWZRBUIHS8pDXwQFjAKegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw09fkGz_Uyc7-SdGF3LhehO&cshid=1582401842957?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0613819012&ved=2ahUKEwiH1t-Z-uXnAhWZRBUIHS8pDXwQFjAKegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw09fkGz_Uyc7-SdGF3LhehO&cshid=1582401842957 This book]] was recommended to me by the hospice when my DH died for my son.

Just posting to say I wouldn’t send a child back to school until I felt they were ready.

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou so much support I need to re read and then re read again. I've mentioned school. She said in outburst that she would cry every 10 minutes so of course she can't go. I will call the school Monday. It's a small village school who help my daughter a lot. She is about to have an assessment for autism in March and is a very sensitive child prone to outbursts of tears anyway. Her class is supportive and protective of her on the whole. She is in year 6 girls group chat and has been talking to her friends already so they do know and it seems to be helping her. Because she is a sensory child I have been massaging her a lot today which also helps her a lot. Reason for not knowing about seeing the body is because she kept saying "I'm never going to see him again" so I wondered if it would help. I'm thinking not at this point after taking in everyone's advice. She saw him 2 times a month and had a very good relationship with him. I didn't because of the lack of support from him in regards to everything. She does love him however and seeing her heart break just breaks mine and her big sister's. His wife and her family and the rest of his family are ok and would go to the funeral with her yes and she has already asked about this as one of her questions. She is just up and down crying and laughing. This is going to be huge challenge. I am going to contact every support network that people have mentioned on here.

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this - and you too.

Child Bereavement UK are excellent, and they have a helpline if you want to talk any of this through with someone.

I would take my lead from your DD regarding all of it - whether to go straight back to school or have a day with you, whether to see the body and whether to attend the funeral. Viewing the body or attending the funeral are only likely to be regrets later if she is pushed/encouraged to attend, against her instincts. Equally, not doing these things is likely to be a regret if she feels she was excluded, but wanted to go. My view is provide gentle but clear and factual information about what to expect, and support with whatever she decides.

If she does want to view the body or attend the funeral, the child bereavement charities have very good advice on their websites about how best to support your child through it.

FWIW, I wouldn't be afraid of taking her to view the body if she wants to. I saw my grandmother's body at a similar age - I had got there a day too late to say goodbye to her in life. It's a sad but entirely peaceful memory. My 5 year old asked quite insistently to see his grandad's body (another sudden and unexpected death) and after taking advice we supported him to visit the chapel of rest. He was sad but not fearful and it seemed to help him with the grieving process - he was certainly calmer and slept better after seeing grandad. So don't be afraid if she wants to (but don't push her if she doesn't). Whatever she and you decide, will be the right decision.

All the best @lillypainter
If your daughter had some asd issues, you're obviously going to have to play some parts of this by ear, as she may not respond classically. But I hope that some of those links will be helpful.

A sudden unexpected death has to be hard, compared to one that you've had time to come to terms with.

Look after yourself too OP. Even if you haven’t had a great relationship with your ex recently, presumably you meant a lot to each other at some point in the past. Your grief may catch you unawares when you are least expecting it.

My dad died when I was 13 and I reacted like that. I stayed off school for a couple of days but went back quite quickly, normal routine is best. I didn't go to the funeral. I don't know if that was or wasnt best but I am still glad I didnt go. It depends on the child though and their personality. I'm sorry this has happened.

OP please message me of you would like to... My ds has autism....

I too have, unfortunately, been in this position recently. Although my daughter is a little younger, her initial reaction appears to have been similar to that of your daughter. After a relatively short time of her being distraught, it was almost as if a switch flicked and she became rather over stimulated. This “hyper” period lasted for a few weeks although lessened each day. My instincts told me to follow her lead and so she returned to school the filling day and hasn’t missed any school. Her friends are clearly a source of comfort and school is a distraction.
I decided that the children would not attend the funeral, as I believe they are too young (5&7). I attended to represent them though. I explained to them that a funeral was a grown up way to say goodbye and that we would be something special for us. They did however choose flowers and drew pictures for the coffin.
I have no advice as I am just very much feeling my way in terms of what they appear to need. Your daughter will tell/ show you what she needs.
The school will be able to organise support through the Educational Psychologist so do make them aware of the situation.
Do look after yourself and accept offers of help and support. This will be a terrible shock for you too.

my Dad died when I was 11. It was very tough. I went to the funeral which I was glad about. I wish I'd seen his body, but that's a very personal thing and you should follow her lead on that. The thing I found hardest was that the adults around me at the time, especially my Mum, were so focused on their grief, that nobody really stopped to consider how I might be feeling. I know this will be different in your case as he's your ex and the fact you're posting here shows how much you care. I wish that I'd been allowed to talk about him (don't do that, it makes your Mum sad, people said to me) and to grieve properly.
Looking back at my experience now I'm an adult, I think I would have benefited hugely from some counselling (but not straight away, they recommend waiting a while for this) and some professional help, to talk about how I was feeling. I lost my Dad in the 80's, when there was less support/understanding about this. I imagine there's far more support around nowadays.
Just hug her, love her, tell her you're there for her, let her talk about her Dad as much as she wants and maybe put together memory box, photo albums etc, to remember him. Go at her pace, let her take some time off school and be there for her xx

Do you have a Parent Support Advisor at school? There are various charities that help with bereavement and school will have the details. I would say to see how she feels on Monday morning. Normality may be good, it may not. Definitely ring school on Monday and ask to speak to the Headteacher. They can then speak to the class teacher.
I am very sorry for your loss.

Apologies, I hadn’t seen your update.

www.griefencounter.org.uk/ are another child bereavement charity that support children and their families after the death of someone close. Counsellors from the charity come into my DD's secondary school to work with pupils. Your DD's school might be able to use a similar service.
It is heartbreaking but your DD is right that she will never see her DF again. Seeing his body will not change that truth. You cannot fix that for her but there are other things you can do to help her and this or another bereavement charity will be able provide you with good advice and with kindness for you as well as for her.

for you both

@fizzyleaf1234

I think we had very similar experiences.

I would let her know that seeing the body is an option and go with what she wants. At least in the future she will know the option wasn't hidden and that she had a say in the decision.

My DH died when DDs were 13 and 17. They both had a very different response and I went along with their wishes. Oldest DD went to school the next day and didn't want any of her teachers to know. It worked for her. Youngest took a couple of weeks off. She also visited DHs body several times - sorted his hair, changed his tie, spruced him up. Both attended the funeral and it was a lovely event. There was so much love for their dad. I think the main thing is to really listen to her and go with her wishes.

Yes to funeral unless she really doesn’t want to.

I was 11 when my father died, very suddenly. I did go to the funeral but I fantasised for years about him coming home: ‘It was all a mistake’ & therefore I think I would explore seeing the body with her - but make the decision yours so she doesn’t blame herself either way.

I would play school by ear, but would be encouraging her to go back sooner rather than later. It really helps with a sense of ‘although the world isn’t the same any more, it hasn’t totally imploded’. And any school worth its salt will be able to offer some support.

A day or two off school is quite a good idea to get over the initial shock and let the school get themselves ready to support her, but after that having a daily routine to follow is generally quite useful (my DCs wanted to go back to school pretty much immediately after DH died) so I would encourage her to go back.

She may need a bit more time off around the funeral but that is likely to be at least two or three weeks away if you have to wait for a post-mortem. Winston's wish is a really good source of advise, as previously mentioned.

when one child when back at our school she didn't initially go back into lessons or lunch or playtime etc, she came in for half an hour or an hour in a small classroom with a few of her chosen friends in with her and a teacher or support worker etc. It gave her a chance to return without feeling she was in a goldfish bowl, it kept a bit of normality, it meant she didn't have to then face the "going back after a long time off" feeling etc. I would hope most primary schools would offer whatever the family and child felt was best for them so you ask for what you think is right, and remember you can always change it.

I'm still awake and re reading these posts. We all got into my bed tonight and watched ant and dec Saturday night take away. She is sleeping. It's going to be a Long night x

Hope you manage to sleep soon @lillypainter

Thankyou @ParkheadParadise
I feel sick and I'm suddenly thinking about his birthday coming up and Father's Day etc... I'm feeling bad for disliking him so much as if somehow it's my fault like I wanted this to happen even though I no that's not true I'm just thinking what could I have done. I took her on holiday this week to a caravan park Monday to Friday. He would have normally had her on the Monday but she sent him a what's app to give him our plans. He sent a message saying have a nice time sweetheart I look forwards to seeing you on Monday... as in this Monday. She read it earlier and sent him a message to tell him she loved him then burst into tears again.

If I hadn't of took her away this half term he would have seen her one last time and I stopped that

Your not to blame @lillypainter

I am so sorry OP. This must be very hard for your DD but don’t feel guilty about the holiday.

Do you have a contact email for either the school HT or DD’s class teacher? If you do I would drop them a quick email tomorrow to give them a heads up about what has happened, so they can be prepared for next week depending what your DD wants. I am sure they won’t mind. It’s possible they may already know if it is a small school and your DD has been contacting her friends.

A girl in DS’s Y6 class lost her mum and she came to school as normal apart from a couple of days round the funeral and I think she might have had a week off for a holiday later. She found the routine of school helpful as it was ‘normal’. The rest of the class were told what had happened and how and what to say to the girl. She had a lovely group of friends who rallied round her.