AIBU not accepting his new relationship?

[soshnomore]

My mother passed away suddenly from a stroke at the end of November last year. Her and my dad had been married for 33 years. In January of this year, about 6 weeks after she passed away, my dad told us he was going to start dating. I am one of 4 (29, 30 and 32yo) of their children, my younger brother agreed with me that it was way too soon, whilst my older brother and younger sister were more supportive of his choice.
From January he spoke to and met a few women but nothing worked out. Fast forward and he met somebody around June/July of this year, and has been spending a lot of time with her, going away for weekends etc.
He has asked us all when we would like to meet her (older brother met her pretty quickly and has had them both to stay with him), my siblings have said in the New Year, but I have said I don't really want to meet her.
I have a lot of resentment built up towards him from how he's gone about this. When I aired my concerns in January that it was too soon, he said it was his life and he would do what he wanted. That is true, but I don't have to accept it. I also think he should have thought more about the feelings of his children who just lost their mother.
In all honesty I would say that he's severely damaged our relationship, and all he seems to care about now is building his relationship with this woman.
We made plans to have a lunch together (him, my brother and sister, and my niece) last month, he wanted to rearrange the time so he could meet up with her afterwards. He spent an hour and a half with us before rushing off. We hadn't seen him for around month before that (always busy with the new woman). He has already spoken about them moving in together, about 3/4 months into the relationship.
It probably is selfish of me to think about how he has hurt my feelings, and not his feelings over losing his wife, but I think he's just gone about it all wrong and alienated me and my brother in the process.
AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be? My older brother who has met her seems hellbent on convincing me she is a lovely lady and I should just be happy for everybody.

I think you are really. Your dad lost his life partner - that’s different to losing a parent. He doesn’t want to be alone and who can blame him. What’s really bothering you? That you feel like he’s trying to replace your mother or that he hasn’t grieved in a way you deem appropriate?

If this is the hill you want to die on, that's up to you. I would be happy that my dad is happy and has found a lovely person to share his life with. Life is very, very short. How long should be wait to ensure you are comfortable with his choices?

He's a grown man making his own decisions. You can't change that. But if you aren't ready to meet her, especially given the recent loss of your mother, that is your choice and your decision. You just have to accept you are likely to see less of him because of it.

But in your shoes, I'd be the same.

Yes yabu.

How long would you like your father to wait before dating again?
He lost his wife in November, told you of his plans to begin dating again 6 weeks later, but didnt actually begin dating someone seriously until June/July time. That's at least 7 months since his wife has passed away.
I understand that 7 months is no time at all to you, but it can feel like a very long time to someone who is desperately lonely and going home to an empty house every evening.
How long would you have preferred your father to wait?
A year? 5? 10?

I'm sure I've seen this thread before but yanbu I'd be fuming that he's wanting a new woman so soon after your mother died. I'd never forgive him and I'd never be ready to meet the new woman.
Why is he pretending your mother never existed?
Does he just want a maid and sex pal?
i don't understand it, I don't understand people who say it's his life blah blah.
He has ridden roughshod over your feelings and now wants you to meet your mother's replacement.
I'd tell him and his new woman to sod right off.

Reading your OP I knew people would tell you that you were being U.
But I totally, totally get where you're coming from.

I'm going through the same thing with my DM, and that's after a much more respectable time period.

I really feel for you.

YANBU as it’s how you feel.

In your shoes I think I would probably feel the same - different I think if your mother had an illness so the death was less of a shock (sometimes with terminal illness the grieving starts before the persons death so people do move on quicker)

But as your mothers death was so sudden - I would agree with you it’s too soon.

But, I’d also have a think about when you think it might be ok to meet her - compromise a little. This Christmas might be too soon - in my experience the second Christmas after a parents death is often the hardest.

But your dads birthday maybe? Or some event next year - so you can say no definitely not at Christmas but I’m looking forward to meeting her at x event?

Because if your dad is determined to be with this women then your going to have to meet her at some point.

YABU

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. i mean you have always sought your father's permission before going on any dates right? And if he has ever said "no you aren't ready" to you as an adult, you would have respected that and not gone right? If you were dating someone and they made you happy, but your father decided that he wasn't comfortable with the idea of you dating and wanted you to dump that person, then you would right?

YANBU. He has skipped the grieving process(or so he thinks). This is crucial for everyone to go through without the distraction of a new relationship. 6 weeks is way too soon to start dating and it will come back to bite him, I have a feeling this relationship won't last so don't feel bad about refusing to meet her.

@bagofworries

Sorry didn't explain it properly. He told us in January he had started dating (set up a profile), and met/spoke to a number of women between January and meeting this woman.
So yes 6 weeks does seem too soon to me. That and his response is what has caused any resentment. I was also living with him and my brother at the time so he wasn't in an empty house. We all made a lot of effort to rally round him. I helped him with learning to cook, doing the shopping for him, the washing, showing him how to use an iron etc.
His effort at maintaining a relationship with us has steadily tailed off as he has got to know this woman.

It sounds like he can’t cope very well without your mum, rather than he’s moved on. I’ve seen it wait a few times.
Sorry it’s so hard for you.

He didn't want to learn to cook/shop/iron. He wanted a new wife to look after him properly.
You see it a fair bit on here, men moving on quite quickly.
My mum dated in my mind too quickly, she was lonely, she didn't want to be in a house 24/7 alone. He was a nice bloke but I never took to him.
It's wrong of him to sideline your relationship, but it depends how it was before, did you used to meet up before mum died.

I agree with you that it’s too soon. He hasn’t had a chance to process his grief and he’s using a new relationship to deflect it. Essentially this is a rebound relationship. I’m also very surprised that a woman in her 50s or 60s would want to become involved with such a recently bereaved man.

@Alsohuman

This is what I thought myself. What woman in their right mind would want to date a man who lost his wife of 33 years 6 weeks earlier? Even 6 months would be too soon for me as I wouldn't be sure they had properly dealt with their grief, but different people I guess...

I don’t YABU at all. I really feel for you. Unfortunately there seems to be men that cannot cope to be alone & your dad is one of them. I don’t understand how he can just move on after so long of marriage but... I guess some can.

You don’t have to meet her OP, or feel bad for not wanting to. I’d be deeply ashamed of my dad for not making an effort with you since his met the new woman - that’s the real issue.

I would find this difficult too, OP but in the gentlest way possible I do think YABU. It's really not up to you to "accept" your DF's new relationship or not. The relationship exists, like it or not, with or without your blessing. You say your DF has damaged your relationship with him but I think that's unfair. He hasn't actually done anything to you, he's just met someone who makes him happy, he's doing it at you. Would you really prefer for him to be alone, to let the opportunity to be with someone who makes him happy pass him by in order to spare your feelings? I don't think that's a reasonable expectation of anybody.

Of course no one can force you to meet your DF's new partner but if you refuse to meet her at all but it could make things awkward for the rest of the family when it comes to family events, and you can't then complain if you don't see enough of him.

AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be?

Yes.

And selfish and childish too.

It's really not up to you to decide what's too soon and what's not, or how he should have gone about it, it's not your relationship or your life. You will be causing as much of a problem in your relationship with your dad by refusing to accept it.

While I understand it could be hurtful for you to see your father in a new relationship, it would probably have hurt however long after your mums death it happened. It's fine for you to tell him that you aren't ready to meet his new woman, but it's no time fine for you to be difficult about it. He will feel the loss of his wife more than anyone else will, losing your life's partner is very different to losing a parent. He can love your mum and have enough space in his heart to love someone else too now that she's gone.

You don't say what age he or she is OP? If a person is lonely they are going to try and resolve that. You are coming across as cross that he's not more Grateful or beholden to you and your siblings.

It is very common for a man who loses their partner after a very long marriage to find somebody rose rapidly.

Christ, my dad wasn't even able to be buried until 6 weeks after he died.

Going against the grain here and don't think you are being unreasonable. They are your feelings and you're entitled to feel them. You've lost a parent and he showed no feeling towards you as a child during that process.

I agree with you that it’s too soon. He hasn’t had a chance to process his grief and he’s using a new relationship to deflect it.

You can't possibly know that. Grief is a deeply personal and individual thing, there's not right or wrong way to grieve. As a society we have a very rigid idea of what grief should look like and how bereaved people should behave and if someone deviates from that we think it's somehow unhealthy. But maybe they're just dealing with it in their own way and their own time. The fact that he's enjoying the company of another woman doesn't necessarily mean OP's DF isn't still grieving for her DM.

Yes, what Shosha said. Also, apparently the quicker they move on, the happier their marriage was. I do see your point but I wouldn't close down contact, you're losing a father then as well as a mother. On the other side of the coin, if I were the new woman, I'd worry it was all too soon for him and he wasn't properly ready.
You should want him to be happy, it is doom but he's an adult and as others have said, presumably he let you make your choices.