AIBU not accepting his new relationship?

[soshnomore]

My mother passed away suddenly from a stroke at the end of November last year. Her and my dad had been married for 33 years. In January of this year, about 6 weeks after she passed away, my dad told us he was going to start dating. I am one of 4 (29, 30 and 32yo) of their children, my younger brother agreed with me that it was way too soon, whilst my older brother and younger sister were more supportive of his choice.
From January he spoke to and met a few women but nothing worked out. Fast forward and he met somebody around June/July of this year, and has been spending a lot of time with her, going away for weekends etc.
He has asked us all when we would like to meet her (older brother met her pretty quickly and has had them both to stay with him), my siblings have said in the New Year, but I have said I don't really want to meet her.
I have a lot of resentment built up towards him from how he's gone about this. When I aired my concerns in January that it was too soon, he said it was his life and he would do what he wanted. That is true, but I don't have to accept it. I also think he should have thought more about the feelings of his children who just lost their mother.
In all honesty I would say that he's severely damaged our relationship, and all he seems to care about now is building his relationship with this woman.
We made plans to have a lunch together (him, my brother and sister, and my niece) last month, he wanted to rearrange the time so he could meet up with her afterwards. He spent an hour and a half with us before rushing off. We hadn't seen him for around month before that (always busy with the new woman). He has already spoken about them moving in together, about 3/4 months into the relationship.
It probably is selfish of me to think about how he has hurt my feelings, and not his feelings over losing his wife, but I think he's just gone about it all wrong and alienated me and my brother in the process.
AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be? My older brother who has met her seems hellbent on convincing me she is a lovely lady and I should just be happy for everybody.

Yanbu, my mother died when I was 17 and my dad seemed determined to replace her quite soon afterwards, he found someone else about a year later and then I was surplus to requirements, haven't spoken to him in 15 years now. He needs to understand this is hurting you

We are both happier than we have ever been before. happier than she was with her deceased partner?

haven't spoken to him in 15 years now.

So getting a new woman was worth losing his daughter over? Wow

Tell him your still hurting over the loss of your mother and will meet her another time

Honestly I'm sure she is lovely but your not going to give her a chance in this emotional stste

Sorry for your loss, you’re grieving for your mother and then also feel that you are losing your dad. So much has changed and that on top of your mothers death is incredibly hard to adjust to.

Talk to your father and explain your grief is different and your struggling so he’s going to need to take that into account. Talking and explaining may help you move forward without losing the relationship you have with him

I'll get slammed but someone who knowingly dates someone 6 weeks bereaved isn't a nice person, it says a lot about their character . I wouldn't want this woman in my life either.

Men do seem to find it easier to emotionally disengage from their children when no longer with the mother. I'm really sorry you are in this situation and you deserve better from your father.

I'll get slammed but someone who knowingly dates someone 6 weeks bereaved isn't a nice person, it says a lot about their character . I wouldn't want this woman in my life either. agreed. we’re both happier than we have ever been before. how vile and what an insult to the deceased’s partner. No, maybe their marriage wasn’t perfect but even if someone has an affair due to an imperfect marriage the response is always that the person should leave the relationship first and then embark on a new one, not wait until he’s dead and move on at the earliest opportunity.

Thank God the woman in that case doesn’t have children.

I’m not slamming you @SnuggyBuggy, I completely agree with you.

OP. God, men are pathetic, how come it's almost always men who do this?
I think the PP who likened men's view of women as appliances was correct.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. If your Dad can decide he's ready to move on, you can certainly decide you are not ready yet.

This woman may be lovely or she might not be, only time will tell.
The only thing I'd advise is try and get your head round meeting her sometime after Xmas maybe, just for a quick coffee - only because the longer you leave it, the harder it may get. I definitely wouldn't be meeting her at Christmas, too much pressure at an already emotional time for you.

Because a lot of men are used to having everything done for them and its been like this all their lives. Their Mum did everything when they were young, then their wife did it all.
Some don't even know where things are kept in the house or about paying bills etc and what to do.

As expected, a load of people saying he is perfectly entitled to do whatever he likes.
Sure.
But the OP is also perfectly entitled to be pissed off about it. I would be too, and I sure as hell wouldn't be persuaded to airbrush my mother's memory out of the picture and play happy families in this sort of situation. You are grieving your mother, even if he doesn't appear to be.

@SnuggyBuggy the woman didn’t start dating this man until 6/7 months afterwards though - not 6 weeks after his wife died as you have stated

Sorry for your loss.
I would be upset too. I work with bereaved older people and I have never met a woman who does this but have several male clients openly say I can't cope on my own, I need a new wife so will give it a few weeks then start looking! They usually keep it a secret from immediate family for longer.

It doesn't mean they stop grieving, they just cannot cope practically or emotionally alone at all. Older ladies tend to go into sheltered homes instead of instant re-coupling imho if they can't cope.

You can't stop it as others have said but are entitled to feel upset about it too.

OP, so sorry for your loss.

This is going to sound really harsh, but it's something you need to consider. Were your parents happy? My grandparents weren't, but remained married and together for 50+yrs until DGF passed. DGM now in mid eighties will not look for another relationship, but you can see how much happier she is now she is on her own. I believe that if DGF had passed when she was say, in her 50s, she would not have taken long to meet someone new, because although she would never have divorced him (not an option for many in that generation) their relationship was already gone by then. She was probably ready to move on 30yrs ago. She just stayed, because, well that's what you did back then. They were not suited, I love them both dearly, but whilst their relationship ended to the rest of the world after 50yrs together on the death of DGF, the relationship was over for them decades ago. They were two single people living under one roof. Should she have chosen to date 6 weeks after his passing, I can see how it would look distasteful to the outside world. To her though, she'd been waiting 30yrs and 6 weeks for that date.

I hope that doesn't cause offence, it's truly not intended x

You are not being unreasonable - reason doesn't have anything to do with it - you feel what you feel.

I think this is one of those areas where people are just wired very differently and just acting according to their nature. As someone who doesn't feel they could do that you feel resentful towards your dad who can. Your dad has to live his life as best he sees fit, and so do you. Be as respectful as possible but don't feel obliged to do anything you don't feel comfortable about.

@DeathStare that is the most insensitive and patronising post. The OP is grieving at the loss of her DM, and you compare it with a young, carefree relationship? Shame on you, this is bereavement not AIBU.

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I would feel exactly how you do. While I completely understand grieving/loneliness can cause people to make rash decisions, your DF has not been sensitive to his DC feelings. Yes you are all adults, but he could have conducted his new relationship in a far more sensitive way. I know I would if I were in that position.

YADNBU

Seems a bit convenient that he told you he was planning to date online and 6 weeks after your mum died, and then ‘met’ someone almost straight away. My guess is he was probably having an affair - older men aren’t necessarily catches online and even if he was, it often takes months to even find someone you’re attracted to.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Men can be horrible and selfish sometimes. My Mum died when I was 16 - within 6 weeks my aunt ( Dad's brother's ex wife) had moved in with us to "comfort" Dad . She moved into his bedroom too - and my brothers and I had to listen to them having noisy sex through the walls. So yes, you have my sympathy and understanding.

YANBU It does sound way too soon, making that announcement after six weeks, then meeting someone fairly quickly, especially after an unexpected death. Some men seem incapable of any kind of independence though.

I would be polite and agree to meet the new person, but hardly be brimming with enthusiasm. Your dad has to realise that his DC are all grieving too, and it's not all about him, and that everyone grieves differently. I doubt he has moved on in the way he thinks he has, and I'd also be quietly concerned for his new friend, as they may both end up being terribly hurt. I hope they don't rush into any kind of committment.

I notice a lot of comments here saying a lot of widowed men need looking after. This is not always the case. I met a widower 6months after he lost his wife and we started dating. He was completely self sufficient but what he needed was company. He had 3 grown up children who all lived at home. They were grieving for their mum but seemed not to notice the huge void left in their father's life. He was sitting alone night after night. None of them ever sat down and chatted to him when they came home from work. Nobody sat down with him and had a cup of tea. He cooked and cleaned for them - often the food ended up in the bin as they had made other plans but failed to let him know. They carried on with their social lives but their dad was expected to sit at home out of respect for their mum. Then when he started dating they crucified him for it. I understand that no one will ever replace their mum and I also understand that their feelings are hurt but he felt that he had to move on for the sake of his own sanity.

Of course you aren’t unreasonable to not want to meet her but Try to see this from your dads point of view.

I was recently bereaved when my husband died after a long illness of several years having been diagnosed terminal at the start. The grief I feel now is nothing compared to the grief I lived with when he was ill, now my grief is a crushing loneliness.

I have got very close to a man who lost his wife after a similar long illness who is also recently bereaved.

Our relationship is very private and we haven’t shared it with anyone but we have become an important part of each other’s lives and we support each other in our grief. Having someone there who understands is so important and having a physical relationship when neither of us were able to have one because of our spouses illness is bitter sweet but also healing.

We aren’t going to stop because people think we should, nobody has walked in our shoes where we’ve ended up being left alone from good marriages through illness. I love my husband with every piece of my heart and he adores and misses his wife but life is short, we have learnt that the hard way and sharing that journey with someone is part of the healing process and I feel very lucky that we’ve each other to lean on to help us learn to navigate our new life.

Please maybe think that perhaps that’s what’s helping your dad and it’s about him and his need to live and love again

I'm sure the OP was not expecting her DF to sit at his wife's grave forevermore but to announce your intentions to date at 6 weeks is very very early and I'm not surprised OP is struggling. For a lot of people t their loved one may only have been buried a few weeks before. The pain is compounded by the father sidelining them to be with his new partner. OP I'm sure you are not oblivious to the pain/grief/loneliness your mother's death had on your father, but I don't think you are under any obligation to meet her so soon. YOU are grieving too, it is entirely up to you when/if you are ready
A friend of mine lost her mother after a long illness and her father started dating five years later. They were all thrilled for him but when his partner came around and fairly quickly started redecorating what was once her dm 's bedroom she had to tell her dad she was taking a step back as that was too soon for her to process.

q

I'll get slammed but someone who knowingly dates someone 6 weeks bereaved isn't a nice person, it says a lot about their character . I wouldn't want this woman in my life either.

^This. YANBU OP. Just as your dad had the right to date 6 weeks after his wife suddenly died, you have the right not to agree with it.