AIBU not accepting his new relationship?

[soshnomore]

My mother passed away suddenly from a stroke at the end of November last year. Her and my dad had been married for 33 years. In January of this year, about 6 weeks after she passed away, my dad told us he was going to start dating. I am one of 4 (29, 30 and 32yo) of their children, my younger brother agreed with me that it was way too soon, whilst my older brother and younger sister were more supportive of his choice.
From January he spoke to and met a few women but nothing worked out. Fast forward and he met somebody around June/July of this year, and has been spending a lot of time with her, going away for weekends etc.
He has asked us all when we would like to meet her (older brother met her pretty quickly and has had them both to stay with him), my siblings have said in the New Year, but I have said I don't really want to meet her.
I have a lot of resentment built up towards him from how he's gone about this. When I aired my concerns in January that it was too soon, he said it was his life and he would do what he wanted. That is true, but I don't have to accept it. I also think he should have thought more about the feelings of his children who just lost their mother.
In all honesty I would say that he's severely damaged our relationship, and all he seems to care about now is building his relationship with this woman.
We made plans to have a lunch together (him, my brother and sister, and my niece) last month, he wanted to rearrange the time so he could meet up with her afterwards. He spent an hour and a half with us before rushing off. We hadn't seen him for around month before that (always busy with the new woman). He has already spoken about them moving in together, about 3/4 months into the relationship.
It probably is selfish of me to think about how he has hurt my feelings, and not his feelings over losing his wife, but I think he's just gone about it all wrong and alienated me and my brother in the process.
AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be? My older brother who has met her seems hellbent on convincing me she is a lovely lady and I should just be happy for everybody.

To be clear, whether people agree with me that he moved on too soon isn't the issue. He did what he did and I don't like it but we can't go back and do things differently. I don't like what he's done, and I don't like how dismissive of our feelings he was.
That said, my issue is being pressured into doing something I am not ready for yet. I keep my feelings about it to myself, unless I'm specifically asked about it by my siblings. I'm not going to lie and say I'm comfortable with it when I'm not. I don't need to be told by anyone how nice she is, that doesn't change how I feel about it. Being constantly asked if I'm willing to meet her yet is just pushing me in the opposite direction.
Losing my mum brought us siblings a lot closer, we speak every day. Some of us disagree on this but I really don't see it affecting our relationship.
As I've said to anyone that asks, surely it's better that I meet her when I'm ready and happy for them, than just because I'm being forced to?
I'm trying to keep up the effort with him separate from this. It is hard though because as soon as he mentions her I feel myself physically tense up, I don't know if he's picked up on that but others have. I've arranged for us all to go for a meal the day before the anniversary, and we're doing a fundraiser for the Stroke Association the weekend after. I am doing my best to keep the family together like my mum would have wanted, and I'm sure given time I will be happy for them, I'm just not at that point yet and I can't really fake it.

Your dad had a terrible bereavement (you all did but your mother was his life partner for 33 years), and realises that life is short.

Please don't go on refusing to meet the new lady, she's not replacing your mum but your father wants a congenial companion - who can blame him?

If you meet up with her in the new year it will be over a year since your poor mum died and half a year since he started seeing his current lady friend. He should know her at least fairly well. You say your older brother has met her and even had them to stay, what is his opinion of the woman?

I'm just saying, give it a go. You have a lot more life ahead of you, hopefully, than your father does - a fact that has been brought home to him.

All the best .

OP, I know exactly how you feel. My father did the same, he’d actually met this woman before my mother had died, her husband died a month before my mother and within a few weeks of my mother’s death they started dating (bear in mind that her husband had died the month before I can only assume they were having an affair whilst they were both alive)
My sibling and I reacted ok to start with, trying to be supportive and accepting but that appeared to signal the green light to go full steam ahead and she suddenly was included in my father and mine relationship as though she was my mother. Nothing I spoke to my father about stayed between him and me, she suddenly was part and parcel of everything. And she’s the type of woman to be jealous and hated being left out of everything.
My father was like a lovesick puppy mooning around after her and she quickly realised she could call the shots and he would do anything she said. If she didn’t agree with something she would threaten to break up with my father and he would then argue with me to keep her happy.
I was still grieving my mother and yet all of that was forgotten, after 6 months I was told to come and clear my mother’s things and he moved her in. If I raised any objection I was told to butt out. It was clear she had an agenda and that was to move in and basically have my fathers house. 6 months after my mother died and just as she was moving in I had words with my father and told him I didn’t like her motives and that I would rather not have anything to do with her. He then informed me that if that was the case he’d have nothing to do with me. This was over 4 years ago and he has since cut contact with me and his only grandchildren.
She lives with him and he has signed over half his house to her despite her owning two of her own. It has affected me to badly, it’s broken a fundamental part of my life and I will never understand what his thinking was.
All I can say is I recognise the pain you feel, and it is a physical pain. It was a life altering event for me and I don’t think I’ll ever properly come to terms with it.

I'm also so sorry you are having harsh responses, no need when you are mourning.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my mums death, it seems even harder when it's sudden.
Take care and be kind to yourselves.
People can disagree without being horrible.

Honestly, in your position I would want to meet her to check her out and make sure she was not going to take advantage of yiur dad in some way. Your brother's comments don't make it sound that way btw.

AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be?

Of course YANBU. You can't stop him dating but you're under no obligation to meet his girlfriend or to play happy families when you are still grieving for your mum.

It sounds to me like he's desperate for a new housekeeper, hence the talk of moving her in. But you're not desperate for a new mother, so take as long as you need before deciding if and when you want to meet her. He's putting his own needs first and you have every right to do the same.

Very sorry for your loss.

Give over. So the posters saying yabu - would you think it was ok for the dad to go on a date the day after the funeral?

YAB incredibly insensitive and U and surely you realise this?

There is no specified period that someone has to be sad and lonely for before they’re allowed to start dating new people. I can imagine that surviving his first Christmas on his own as a widower was hard and he didn’t want to repeat that experience the following year.
Why should he?

Your mum isn’t being replaced, they were together for over 30 years, so a new relationship won’t change that fact.

I can’t believe that you feel entitled to decide when he can start dating. Imagine if he tried to tell you who you could or couldn’t be friends with? Would you think that acceptable just because he’s your dad?

YANBU 6 weeks is an absolute pisstake!!

Sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss OP, I think it's best to concentrate on yourself and go lc with your dad if it means sparing you more hurt.

He can and did make his own choice, I don't understand why you aren't allowed to do the same.

A few years ago my friend died. She had been with her husband for 45 years, and they had four grown up children. Her husband started dating other women within 3 months. Their children were upset about it, felt it was too soon. He explained to them that although he had cared very much for their mother, and would never have left her or hurt her, he hadn't been in love with her for a very long time. For the past year he has been with a woman who shares his interests, which his wife never did, and the children have accepted that their dad knew his own mind and is happy.

@Zeldasmagicwand

I don't like how quick it was but that's not my issue. Just as you say he shouldn't tell me who I can and can't be friends with, can he force me/pressure me/guilt me into meeting somebody I don't want to meet? I don't think I'm unreasonable for telling him I'm not ready.

Op I felt exactly like you when my mother fed at 48. My father immediately started dating everyone. Within a year he moved a woman and her young son into the family home and my 21 year old brother subsequently moved out. He then married another lady a few years later. His behaviour did upset me.

However having gone through a divorce at the same age that my dad was bereaved I feel slightly different and can understand just how lonely he must have felt at 49. All my parents friends were couples.

The biggest mistake though was not to sort his will out. When he died it all passed to his wife. My mum must be turning in her grave to see her children not receive a penny. Ultimately again though it was his choice and not my right.

You’re entirely reasonable. And don’t let anyone try to convince you you’re not. Take your time. Meet her when you’re ready and not before.

I'm sorry but I think it's disgusting that he could even think of dating anyone only six weeks after your mother's death. Im sure my children and my family would be equally horrified if I was to pass away and my husband was even considering dating other women six weeks after my funeral 😔

Imagine if he tried to tell you who you could or couldn’t be friends with? Would you think that acceptable just because he’s your dad?

This is exactly what he is trying to do.

YANBU 6 weeks to begin dating is extremely bad taste. To announce it is even worse.

People are being way too harsh on here. Yes, the man has a right to move on whenever he wants, that is his choice and his prerogative. But equally the OP has a right not to meet the woman her dad has mmoved on with so quickly before her mum has even been gone a year.

Why is he entitled to his grief but she isn’t? Yes, as a man he has the right to move on in a time of his own choosing. As a daughter the OP has a right not to want to be included in that decision since she’s still grieving her own loss. Do people really think that a person isn’t entitled to grieve the loss of a parent from the moment the other one brings a new partner into the equation? And if not, why is he entitled to move on but she isn’t entitled to her own grief. Total double standards.

FWIW I. Know someone who died earlier this year. her dh started seeing someone else within weeks and had her staying over with his kids within a matter of more weeks. I understand that he has the right to move on, but no, introducing her to his children and going on big family holidays within weeks of their mother’s death is utterly, utterly selfish and he deserves no sympathy for that.

If he wanted to move on then he needed to find somewhere else to be with her, and if having children at home got in the way of that then tough, it doesn’t get to happen until they have had a suitable time to get used to the fact their mother has gone.

I understand you completely when you say you don’t want to meet her. I did meet my fathers new partner but once he though he had the blessing of his children that was the green light to him that he could just gallop along, move her in and we would treat her like a mother! I didn’t know the woman!
I quickly came to see that she was trouble, she loved drama and my father even described her to me as her being argumentative and volatile. Why the hell would he want to dive into a life like that I could t understand. He was just besotted with having someone give him attention.
Looking back I fell exactly into the trap she set by arguing with my father over it all - she accused me of calling her names, she cried to my father saying she would break it off - it was all a plan to her. She wanted nothing other than to remove me and my sibling from his life. And he fell for it too.

YAB incredibly insensitive and U and surely you realise this?

Oh come on! What are doing going for OP like this as though she's some kind of nasty person? She's grieving her mother. At least tell she's being unreasonable in a kindly way instead rather than telling her she's "incredibly" unreasonable and implying that you're marvelling that anyone could be SO selfish. She isn't. She's sad and grieving.

All of you saying it's fine. I dare say you'd be fine and not have a word to say about it if "your" DH moved on so rapidly after decades together

My father would have been happy for us to forget our mother and wipe the past out and have his new partner as our new ‘family’.

He just couldn’t see why we didn’t like it! He was besotted with her and expected us to be the same!

*He just couldn’t see why we didn’t like it! He was besotted with her and expected us to be the same!

Oh he knew exactly why you didn't like it, he just didn't care as long as he got what made him feel good.

My family went through same thing one of my siblings doesnt speak to df at all i doubt she ever will

Its up to you yes when you meet her-if this is serious though the longer you put it off the worst it will make you feel

It’s perfectly normal to be upset and to be grieving your DM. But I don’t think I could ever begrudge someone who has lost their life partner trying to find someone else to feel joy and companionship again. Of course it’s bloody awful for anyone to lose someone, but when you’re the lonely partner in your empty house, it’s even worse.
I don’t think losing your dad is the answer