AIBU not accepting his new relationship?

[soshnomore]

My mother passed away suddenly from a stroke at the end of November last year. Her and my dad had been married for 33 years. In January of this year, about 6 weeks after she passed away, my dad told us he was going to start dating. I am one of 4 (29, 30 and 32yo) of their children, my younger brother agreed with me that it was way too soon, whilst my older brother and younger sister were more supportive of his choice.
From January he spoke to and met a few women but nothing worked out. Fast forward and he met somebody around June/July of this year, and has been spending a lot of time with her, going away for weekends etc.
He has asked us all when we would like to meet her (older brother met her pretty quickly and has had them both to stay with him), my siblings have said in the New Year, but I have said I don't really want to meet her.
I have a lot of resentment built up towards him from how he's gone about this. When I aired my concerns in January that it was too soon, he said it was his life and he would do what he wanted. That is true, but I don't have to accept it. I also think he should have thought more about the feelings of his children who just lost their mother.
In all honesty I would say that he's severely damaged our relationship, and all he seems to care about now is building his relationship with this woman.
We made plans to have a lunch together (him, my brother and sister, and my niece) last month, he wanted to rearrange the time so he could meet up with her afterwards. He spent an hour and a half with us before rushing off. We hadn't seen him for around month before that (always busy with the new woman). He has already spoken about them moving in together, about 3/4 months into the relationship.
It probably is selfish of me to think about how he has hurt my feelings, and not his feelings over losing his wife, but I think he's just gone about it all wrong and alienated me and my brother in the process.
AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be? My older brother who has met her seems hellbent on convincing me she is a lovely lady and I should just be happy for everybody.

YANBU. 6 weeks? Blimey, that must have hurt. You're right, his children lost their mother but all he seems to be worried about is having a female around. Does it make you wonder if he actually cares or ever did or if he's one of those men that revolves his life around his partner? My dad is like that. He's never cared for me or my sisters, he just had kids because my mum wanted kids and all he cares about is having a woman around. When they split, he never bothered seeing how we were, it was all about him finding a replacement. It gets to you and is quite sickening to be honest

Hi op,

I too had a feeling people would tell you are being unreasonable, it's his life etc.

I think some of it comes down to how your mother died. I think I would feel the same as you if my mother died very suddenly but I think I would feel very differently if she had been sick for some time.

I think of myself and Dh here and I know if I was dying that I would tell him to go and live his life and not to waste the time he has left mourning for me. I genuinely would want him to be happy after I'd gone.
If your mother was sick they may have had a discussion in private that he wasn't to be sad and to live his life.

If however she died suddenly then I do agree that he has moved on a bit too quickly and maybe is doing so to avoid the grief that he is feeling without her.

As PP it isn't up to you to tell another adult who they can date and when.

He has to process his loss of his life partner in his own way, and you cannot prescribe or tell him what way is correct because you are a completely different person. The loss of a life partner is completely different from you losing a parent.

Meet the woman otherwise you will find yourselves not invited to family events and will probably find 2 of your siblings not wanting much to do with you.

How old is he? If they married young he could be 55, which isn’t anywhere near old. Also, you don’t know what went on in your parent’s relationship. He could have mentally checked out years ago. Not saying this is a good thing, but you don’t have all the facts.

I wouldn’t be thrilled in your position but he will do what he wants. You aren’t going to change anything and saying that you don’t want to meet her is childish.

YANBU, I felt this way when my Mum started dating a year after my Step Dad died suddenly. It just felt too soon and she moved in with him after a couple of months which seemed bonkers to me. They are still together five years later so seemingly wasn’t a mistake but I did feel it was way too soon.

I don’t think your dad is BU not to want to be lonely but ffs, your Mother was still warm in the ground when he first started dating again. Most people I know who were married for many years don’t want to move on and I think I would be the same.

I would try and be happy for him. I've known too many people who didn't want to date after they lost someone and ended up dying alone. Both my Grandmother's for a start. It was a terrible shame because they were lovely women who probably would have been around a lot longer with a partner I. Their lives, not that they were neglected, they had plenty of family around them but it's not the same thing when you go home to an empty house.

I'm sorry for your loss op

How old is your dad? You don't have to answer but are his actions perhaps motivated by the fact that he thinks he doesn't have much time left? Or did the suddenness of your mum's passing have the same effect? Ultimately though, he's an adult and you can't really tell him what to do.

Ultimately, it's good if you can be happy for family members if they are happy and I think, hard though it is, you need to try and set aside your (understandable) hurt. I would be concerned that it's too much, too soon though.

I definitely feel for you op, but I think yabu.
If I die, I hope my husband moves on within months rather than years, and I hope my kids accept it. I’d want him to be happy.

PS I have also told DH that should I die before him I like to think he'd meet someone else quickly. After all I think he's pretty awesome so hopefully someone else would.

You mother may have passed away six weeks earlier, but for all you know their marriage may have been dead for a long time previously.

YABVVU to even try and dictacte how your father should react after your mother's death. It his his grief, or lack of, and also his life.

You are not a child. You are a grown woman. Act like one and recognise that your way isn't always the right way. He doesn't have to pander to your feelings, you're not nine. You don't have to 'accept' anything as there is nothing for you to accept, it is not your life, it is his.

My mum lost her partner (my Dad) 4 years ago. She met her now partner and they moved in together about 5 months after meeting. Theyve been together for about 3 years now. I was pretty angry with my mum so I can understand where you're coming from.

You need to think about your relationship with your Dad. Do you want to lose your mum AND your dad because of an argument? Id say probably not. Its his life, he can do what he likes. Tread carefully though, think about if you want your Dad in your life or not.

Men often move on before the wife/partner has even gone cold. A lot of them cant cope by themselves because they are used to having absolutely everything done for them. Its just the way it is.
I understand what your saying about being upset though.

You e already list your mother . Are you happy to lose your father over this too ?
That’s the bottom line really .

AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be?

No you are not. You're still grieving for your mother and it will take as long as it takes. Not selfish, not childish. I can't actually believe you're being told that. He's entitled to move on as quickly as he wants but you do not have to join him in that.

I'm sorry about your Mum 💐

I understand you completely OP

I wouldnt challenge him over it, no point, but asking you when u would "like" to meet her is an insensitive question in my opinion. You dont have to meet her.

OP, 6 weeks after 33 years and a sudden death is very, very fast.

I can absolutely understand your huge upset at the thought of him moving on so quickly.

But is he really?

It's terribly hurtful for you, but most likely he is desperately trying to avoid the process of grief.

Particularly if he is a nice father and your parents had a happy enough marriage.

Sadly I don't think one can avoid it.

Yes people grieve differently, but the shock alone takes time to grasp, before one can attempt to understand the loss.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell your father that you are not ready to meet this friend of his.

If you can, do try to do so without rancour.

Focus on going through the grieving process yourself and leave your father to try and navigate his.

This is very difficult for you all.

Try not to burn bridges in the midst of this awful loss.
💐

It would hurt me because I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about my mum and what she would think of it. BUT in reality she'd definitely not want him to be alone.

It's not the same but my ex left me over a year ago now and being alone every evening and going to bed alone can really get to you. Sometimes I burst into huge sobs, it just creeps up on me and I think it's doing everything alone that brings it on.

I do think your feelings should be considered by your dad here though. They do matter too.

I'd be fuming too, probably, but this is not your problem. Everyone has the right to make what they believe are the best choices for themselves.

I am so sorry for your loss

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Would you really prefer for him to be alone, to let the opportunity to be with someone who makes him happy pass him by in order to spare your feelings? I don't think that's a reasonable expectation of anybody.

I agree with this.

I wonder if you’re transferring your anger and grief from losing your Mum onto your Dad

I really feel for you OP, I really wouldn’t have liked it if my dad had found someone new so quickly after my mum died. However a word of warning - I have seen twice with acquaintances in this situation when the adult children don’t accept the new partner, the bereaved father has ‘chosen’ the new partner over the children and in effect the children have lost both parents. I think men especially often need to have a new partner and can more easily than women shed their old lives and those in it to accommodate that. Obviously both cases I know about are extreme ones, but something to think about maybe.

In my opinion you are not being unreasonable .. you feel how you feel .. that said your father probably cannot handle being alone, hence the quick dating ...

You take as much time as you want before meeting the lady and no one can force you to do it before you are ready ..

Your father can live his life too and if your siblings are happy to accept her sooner rather than later that is their prerogative ..

Do you think you mum and him ever had a conversation about finding new partners, if anything was to happen? So they never ended up feeling lonely dependant on family.
Maybe this is what they wanted for each other. Xxxx

YANBU. A lot of men see their children/families as disposable in this way, because they assume that their children will always be there for them, and wait for them.

You take things at your own pace. And if you don't want to meet this woman, you don't have to.

My father still does this. He has moved to somewhere way back of beyond on another continent, and cut short a visit to me (which I had paid for) because his latest "love" was lonely, apparently. I think she's just run out of money.

There's no fool like an old fool.

I think men especially often need to have a new partner

Why do we excuse men's behaviour in this way? It's callous ad selfish, but we go, "Oh, he's lonely. He needs a partner."

No matter that he ditches his actual family in pursuit of one.