AIBU not accepting his new relationship?

[soshnomore]

My mother passed away suddenly from a stroke at the end of November last year. Her and my dad had been married for 33 years. In January of this year, about 6 weeks after she passed away, my dad told us he was going to start dating. I am one of 4 (29, 30 and 32yo) of their children, my younger brother agreed with me that it was way too soon, whilst my older brother and younger sister were more supportive of his choice.
From January he spoke to and met a few women but nothing worked out. Fast forward and he met somebody around June/July of this year, and has been spending a lot of time with her, going away for weekends etc.
He has asked us all when we would like to meet her (older brother met her pretty quickly and has had them both to stay with him), my siblings have said in the New Year, but I have said I don't really want to meet her.
I have a lot of resentment built up towards him from how he's gone about this. When I aired my concerns in January that it was too soon, he said it was his life and he would do what he wanted. That is true, but I don't have to accept it. I also think he should have thought more about the feelings of his children who just lost their mother.
In all honesty I would say that he's severely damaged our relationship, and all he seems to care about now is building his relationship with this woman.
We made plans to have a lunch together (him, my brother and sister, and my niece) last month, he wanted to rearrange the time so he could meet up with her afterwards. He spent an hour and a half with us before rushing off. We hadn't seen him for around month before that (always busy with the new woman). He has already spoken about them moving in together, about 3/4 months into the relationship.
It probably is selfish of me to think about how he has hurt my feelings, and not his feelings over losing his wife, but I think he's just gone about it all wrong and alienated me and my brother in the process.
AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be? My older brother who has met her seems hellbent on convincing me she is a lovely lady and I should just be happy for everybody.

I’m sorry for your loss OP
I don’t think YABU, you are grieving for your mother and your experiences of life so far have been of her in a relationship with your Dad. To see him with someone else feels like you are letting go of a little bit more of her.

That said, I don’t think your Dad is being unreasonable either. His experience of life is with a partner, his happiest memories will be with your Mum and he wants a bit of that happiness back.

Your Mum is irreplaceable, to both of you but there is a key difference-you can never have another Mum and that is the source of the hurt you’re feeling. Your Dad can’t have your Mum back but he can build a new version of reality in a way you can’t. When he chooses to do that won’t change the hurt you feel.

Can you imagine how hard it is to go from being married to someone for 33 years, a constant companion, to having them gone? Yes, I understand you lost your mum but it's a different relationship. Him moving on doesn't mean he loved your mum any less, he's just doing what he needs to do for him and life is short. Him dating someone new will not make your mum any less gone.

You just lost your mum, don't lose your dad too. And for that matter, don't fall out with any siblings about it either. It feels a bit like you are channeling your grief into anger at the wrong person. Understandably this must be an incredibly difficult time for you, so saying you won't meet her for now is fine- but any more action or words than that isn't wise imo.

I understand how upsetting this may be for you, to see someone else in your mum's place.

However, you can't dictate at what speed he moves on.

If you make it known to him you dislike this woman already and never want to meet her you may end up pushing your dad away, especially if he cares about this woman a great deal and she becomes a more permanent part of his life.

OP loads of people will disagree with you on here, I’ve seen threads like this before, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Make sure you make room in your life to properly grieve and remember your mum

He hasn't alienated you, you've alienated yourself. He's moving on with his life, as I'm sure your mother would have wanted him to, but you don't like the pace. It's not your call. Be the grown up you're supposed to be and support your dad. Are you still living in his house?

No YADNBU. It’s usually men that do this isn’t it? I question the women in this scenario? Just why would you?

Oh OP this is a horrible situation and I’m so sorry for your loss and for the troubled relationship you have with your Dad and I really don’t think your feelings or your reluctance to meet the people he is dating are unreasonable. However, going forward, you need to consider whether, with the passage of time, you might start to become unreasonable

It sounds to me as though there are two separate issues:

1 - your Dad starting a new relationship

2 - your Dad not taking into your consideration your feelings

This has clearly been very difficult for you, the past can’t be changed and it has now been 12 months. My advice would be to try to discuss with your Dad why you found it hard to contemplate him dating within just a matter of weeks but consider drawing a line and moving forward with a spirit of acceptance if possible

Widowers who have been used to having everything done for them by their wives often quickly hunt for a new woman to carry on where their late wives left off.

It is quick, but you dont know what is in his head, or what conversations he may have had with your mum before she died, perhaps she'd always told him that if she went first, he should find someone new?
As others have said, it is up to you how you behave, but bear in mind that it is not up to you how HE behaves. This woman is not going to replace your mother for anyone in the family, its a new and separate thing that may or may not work out. And by refusing to accept it, you will damage your relationship, and im afraid it will be more on you than him.

Your mum has sadly gone, however your dad is still here living. His world hasn’t stopped turning

If he wants to date for comfort, a companion and so on, why shouldn’t he? His got a life to live

You have absolutely no idea how soon you’d want to date, get on with your life until you were in that position.

I can’t see any issue with going for a coffee/cafe trip or a meal in the new year to meet her to be honest. Honestly stamping you feet with a cats bum face saying I don’t want to meet her is not what I’d expect from a adult to be honest as you must understand you dad is alive and should be enjoying his life

Sorry about your mum OP.
FWIW, I don’t think YABU. You lost your mum and he started dating painfully quickly. Of course he would have met someone in time, and he shouldn’t live life alone. However, he did it so quickly, it’s almost like he can just replace your mum. I don’t think he is considering his grieving children’s feelings. It must be very hard. But not much you can do as it’s his life.
You don’t have to meet her or play happy families.

I think people telling you to grow up are very cruel . They are saying ley him process his grief in whatever way he wants to . But what about you ? what about your grief ? It seems to me he is being very selfish and not considering your feelings at all . I get that its not that you don't want him to move on eventually , But within weeks ? It looks as if he is just replacing your mum because he wants to - he has not even really had a chance to see how he would cope .

And as much as I agree I would want my husband to be happy if I thought after 6 weeks he would start looking I would feel a bit peeved to be honest .

I can totally understand why you feel hurt and worried about the situation . Totally .

I absolutely don't think yabu, I wld feel the same.

I understand that he wld be lonely and wld be glad for him to meet someone else eventually. But 2 months after ur mum passed he's looking for someone else 😮

It would really make me question if he really did love her and was devastated as I just don't believe that u cld be thinking about moving in so soon.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable to meet his new partner just yet either.

My DH's dad started dating v soon after his wife died. He was utterly thoughtless about everyone else's feelings about it and behaved like a spoilt child, particularly regarding inviting them to certain family events. He was a total prick about us meeting her and just couldn't see it from his children's point of view, putting the first new woman then the current new woman before his children and grandchildren. We now don't see him any more at all (not just for this reason, but it was a big part of it).

How long would it have had to have been for you to feel happy about it OP? I mean that as a genuine question, not snide.

Sorry didn't explain it properly. He told us in January he had started dating (set up a profile), and met/spoke to a number of women between January and meeting this woman.
So yes 6 weeks does seem too soon to me. That and his response is what has caused any resentment. I was also living with him and my brother at the time so he wasn't in an empty house. We all made a lot of effort to rally round him. I helped him with learning to cook, doing the shopping for him, the washing, showing him how to use an iron etc.
His effort at maintaining a relationship with us has steadily tailed off as he has got to know this woman.

Right that explains a lot. After 6 weeks of having to learn new skills he decided it wasn't for him and immediately goes off to find a replacement maid.
I feel sorry for this woman, she will wash, cook and clean and provide sex and will always know that it anything happens to her he will be straight out on the circuit looking for number 3 as if she never existed.
I wouldn't touch a man like that with a barge pole. i want to be loved for being me not for providing services. I doubt he even loves her tbh.
I'd feel rather sorry for her if I were you.
But you don't HAVE to meet her, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Your feelings are valid.

You are being very unreasonable. Your dad deserves another shot at happiness. I’d be thrilled if my dad was able to begin to move forward and start to rebuild his life after losing his wife. I can’t believe you’d resent your dad happiness and love in his old age. Would you prefer he was lonely and miserable?

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I lost both of mine and I can't imagine either of them doing this, and I'd be heart broken.

However, who's to say that they didn't just fall in love. Love at first sight does happen, and your dad is happy.
Maybe speak to your older brother about your fears and how upset you feel.
At the end of the day it's your Dad's life, you don't have to meet his new gf but you'll have to be prepared to not see him as much, especially if family time is the time spent with your siblings and his gf.

You're not being unreasonable to grieve in your own way, but you are being very unreasonable to try to dictate how your dad grieves and what he does with his life.

I can see this ending very badly for you, the rest of your family are going to move forward together, and you're the one left behind.

You don't have to be best friends with your dad's new partner, but you do need to be civilised and respect his choices.

I don't think YABU to be upset; you're still grieving, you're still raw.

However, if you want to continue a relationship with your Dad, you're going to need to work through this and build something for the future. Even if it's just very small steps, take one small step each time you feel ready and accept that just because he's moved on doesn't mean his love for your Mum has gone, and doesn't undermine the lovely life they shared.

Some people move on quickly; my parents divorced twenty years ago and my Mum was engaged to another man within 4 months, my Dad is still single. Life has to go on, no matter how hard that is.

That you were living with him again he started dating again does make a difference I think.

But ultimately I would be concerned that it is your response to his decisions that could drive the wedge between you. If it were me I'd grit my teeth and get through the introduction.

AIBU to tell him that I'm not ready to meet this woman and I can't say for certain when I will be?

No I dont think you are , your entitled to your opinion and if that is how you feel then your father should respect that .

But at the same time you cant dictate to your father who he can be in a relationship with, it's his choice To go about things the way he has (rebound or not) , whether you like it or not .

@Awaywiththepiskies I think you have misunderstood what I was saying. I in no way gave any value judgement or was making excuses. It’s just something I have observed amongst people I know’s parents after death or divorce 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your Mum is irreplaceable, to both of you but there is a key difference-you can never have another Mum and that is the source of the hurt you’re feeling. Your Dad can’t have your Mum back but he can build a new version of reality in a way you can’t. When he chooses to do that won’t change the hurt you feel
This is a really good reply. ^^

You're not unreasonable for feeling how you feel OP, for me 6 weeks would feel very quick.
But grief is a complex thing and people respond differently to it.

You would be most unreasonable in trying to dictate his relationships or be awkward about them moving forward though.