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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
Mother87 · 09/10/2019 21:33

Angelina... when dad passed it was just me/DM/DD26 with him and it was very peaceful... and we

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 21:38

Ooops... thought maybe we should 'tell someone' but knew that the hospice-at-home team were due 'eventually' that evening... so we lit the incense to help carry him on his journey, played his music (slow boat to China/lots of Guy Mitchell) and talked to him... it was THE saddest but most tranquil time - then DD/I decided he 'needed' a change of outfit - which was 'weird' but it felt like an honour to gently cleanse him and tidy him up... gaaawd this is so so hard isn't it - it feels like 5 minutes ago (24 days)... So I understand what you're saying... that time was so precious for all of youThanks

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 21:41

Thigh... hopefully you'll get some rest soon... it's amazing how you kept going, did what you did - powered by love and devotion... the phone thing... i feel like throwing my mobile away as he won't be phoning again & there's no 'emergency' that could ever matter as much as something befalling DF... but others need us don't they... and somehow this world has kept on turning - it's as if they have no idea what's happened to our dads!

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/10/2019 22:19

Mother it feels so weird to be able to switch my phone off but very peaceful. The district nurses arrived just a minute after Dad went. They washed and dressed him, I'm glad they did, but we had intended to. They turned up then as we were worried his morphine was wearing off but i don't think it was.

I'm really struggling with other people atm. I have some semi colleagues who liked Dad, but nothing profound.

I'm working but they are just bugging me and saying how sad it is (for them) that they can't come to a service and how this person and that person would have liked to.

I just think - hey, who's actually bereaved here?

Plus I'm just scratchy, i haven't any patience.

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 22:29

Thigh... yes 'other people' ...maybe our radar is particularly highly-attuned at the moment for people saying 'the wrong thing' as well as all the daft folk who DO say some bloody stupid thingsGrin
Maybe our nerve endings are exposed/shredded after the harrowing rawness of the last few days and weeks...

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/10/2019 23:22

What counselling are you starting? Cruse? My adult son has suggested counselling but i said "possibly, but it's only been 5 days". I know he means well but ffs. How quickly am i supposed to not be a bother?

I feel like people should be treating me very gently, drawing the curtains, bringing me soup. But it's not happening, the world keeps turning.

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 23:42

Thigh... i started bereavement counselling... not to try to deny/alleviate the grief as such... I KNOW i've got to go through this awful awful pain/physical ache to reach some other (mythical) side where things have meaning again etc etc...and I DO believe have to believe that it really WILL feel different/better one day... we know we'll always always be sad - but maybe we'll learn to live with it without being wiped-out like we are at the moment...

i had specific 'issues' that i wanted to talk thru with someone experienced/professional/impartial... images of seeing dad weaken before my eyes - trying to get up the stairs or move around - he never gave up fighting/guilt at 'shouting' at him for not 'feeling like' coming on a holiday we'd booked for August (of course we had NO IDEA of what was to come...)/rationalising his 'Terminal Agitation' which I had NO idea was a 'thing' possibly brought on by the drugs - where my beloved loving daddy said the most horrendous things to me/guilt at being impatient with DM when she seemed to have no idea of what to do EVER/shame (mine and his) as I helped with his personal care between hospice nurses visiting - it was terrible for both & he was powerless and I thought I'd humiliated this very proud dignified man (I started another torturous thread about it) - so SO MANY things surrounding his passing that I wanted to talk thru with someone - that don't/didn't seem 'grief-related' as such... the therapist said he'd seen HUNDREDS of people with same/similar 'stories' - maybe he said that to make me feel better... and it did - just a little... and those images that are playing like a film reel may just disappear one day... i DO think of all the good stuff... but at the moment i feel like i've been stabbed in the heart... and it's 'useful' being able to talk to someone NOT in the family...

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 23:49

Thigh... am sure you're NOT a bother, and your adult son does 'mean well' - but the old cliché 'it's good to talk' and all that... family/work colleagues (as you know) aren't trained to listen/respond in the most helpful way at the moment... it's good to be able to offload stuff that you can't possibly say irl... or even on here... you'll know if/when you feel 'ready'...

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/10/2019 23:51

Oh Mother I'm sorry for all your pain, it's very hard isn't it. I said to myself yesterday - death's a BITCH. It really is, i had no idea. I'm 50 and I've never, ever lost anyone. Well....now I know.

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/10/2019 23:53

It's people asking me anything that they could sort themselves. I don't feel very helpful atm.

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 23:55

Thigh... if i lived near you, i'd tap on your window (the one with the closed curtains) and bring you soup... which i hardly ever eat but have eaten heinz tinned soup nearly every other night for the last 3 weeks because... Those people out there living those oh-so-busy lives simply have no idea how amazing our fathers are, so they cant possibly comprehend our loss

Mother87 · 09/10/2019 23:58

Thigh... not your job to be 'helpful' to anyone atm... it's your job to try to look after yourself... yep 56 here - feeling like an abandoned child... sorry i've said this before... but really if my heart stopped right now, that's fine with me...

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 00:01

Yes we 'know' now - have no idea how anybody has ever survived this tbh... but apparently they do... Mummylin - made it sound somehow 'doable' - the gaps between tears become longer...bits of happiness creep in... we won't always be stuck on this 'island' with no way off...

notashotasthepreviousyear · 10/10/2019 08:06

Flowers to everyone this morning. I wish I could say 'good morning' to my lovely dad with his friendly smile, the last thing he said to me as we held hands about 10 minutes before he went was 'you understand me' and I really did, we could just look at each other and know what the other felt. I have been truly blessed & am eternally grateful. The rawness will pass one day and I hope to feel love, pride & happiness that I had such an amazing dad Flowers

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 08:56

NotashotThanksThanksThanks

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 13:21

Thinking of you thigh xx

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 13:23

T1gereye - been to John Lewis latelyWink

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 16:35

Thought i was doing 'well' today (as i had work-related stuff/been on the go) Also had 45 minute call with the coroner's office talking about his life/career/health etc as there may be a claim (asbestos related mesothelioma) and I held it together almost all the way through...even the bit where the Dr's weren't sure about the diagnosis and we thought he'd escaped the cancer (which then caught up with him in just days)

Came home... saw "dad's chair" - it's just unbearaable... except I HAVE to bear it don't I... i want to be with him more than I want to be here - which is selfish/unrealistic/i don't actually want to die... but I really want to be with him

Thankyouplease · 10/10/2019 16:49

My lovely Dad has been gone for just over two years, today I really need him

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 16:59

ThankyoupleaseThanksThanks

ThighThighOfthigh · 10/10/2019 20:10

Mother was your Dad in the merchant navy?

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 20:45

Thigh... hope today was, well I hope it went 'ok'... and some comfort was found somewhere... Yes! Dad was in the merchant navy & royal fleet auxilliary in the early 50's - joined up so he could leave Singapore & see the world (in the days when they were flown to the ships all wearing suits) Apparently ships engine rooms were the 'perfect' place to inhale asbestos... he wrote the names and dates of all the places he visited inside his shirts/silk ties/hats etc... after sailing round the world a few times, he ended up in the UK/met DM & stayed... was your dad in too??

ThighThighOfthigh · 10/10/2019 21:49

Mother Dad was in the Royal Navy but I've done a lot of work for solicitors on mesothelioma and it's always merchant navy.

Mother87 · 10/10/2019 22:07

Was wondering how you guessed! Yes the little i've googled seems to point towards the merchant navy... (altho i've been 'waffling' on here for some time and thought I may have mentioned it)... we've been told to start our claim so I guess i'll start to tackle that in the next few days on DM's behalf... i was thinking about you today xx

ThighThighOfthigh · 10/10/2019 23:02

Mother that's really kind of you. We said goodbye to Dad today, i did view him and we accompanied him to the crem and put flowers on his coffin from his garden. Only me, mum and my 2 sisters. It was quiet, private and casual. We watched his coffin go through the hatch thingy and waved him off. It was just right for us, no fuss, no outsiders.