Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

BlueBelleKnoll

a friend suggested I give £10 to each person involved on the day. I gave the total to the lead funeral director and he said I didn't need to give anything, but I wanted to give something. I don't think you have to give anything, though.
I would like to tip them so thank you for the idea of how much to give.

What about whoever caters for the wake? Would I tip percentage-wise in a similar way to just going to a restaurant?

Sorry to ask sensitive questions but, thankfully, I haven"t had to organise a family funeral in many years.

Mother87 I am so sorry that you are still in so much pain. Much of what you describe, I am feeling too. I don't think I will ever get over her loss. We were so close. So close that wherever I go, even just to the supermarket, people ask about her. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. It helps so much to know that I am not alone (not that I would wish this on anyone!).

A friend sent me this link. It is really beautiful and is a great way of describing some of the feelings we are feeling on here:

www.scarymommy.com/wise-elder-gives-the-most-perfect-description-of-the-grieving-process/

Mother87 I think that funerals are partly to honour the deceased and partly for the loved ones to find a way of saying goodbye, so if you felt better getting fancy things then you did the right thing. I'm sure your father would have been concerned about your feelings, from the way you have described him. It sounds beautiful.

Howmuchshouldwetipthem I didn't actually do any catering. The funeral was only attended by me and my partner and we didn't want anything after the actual funeral. I don't really know what would be an appropriate amount to tip caterers at a funeral. Any ideas, anyone who has done it? The amount I tipped the funeral director's staff was nothing compared with the huge amount of the actual funeral, it was just a token amount, so if the catering is going to cost a lot I wouldn't imagine they would expect you to pay a percentage as you would in the restaurant. Don't feel bad asking. I asked a friend about tipping because I had absolutely no idea either. It's not something people talk about, is it? If there's anything else you want to ask, feel free to ask.

I began to feel that the Victorians may have been on to something, with their official mourning periods and so on, because even if it was a bit on the formal side, at least it acknowledged that dealing with the death of loved ones is a part of life and that almost all of us will have to deal with it and it hurts. Nowadays it's like death is swept under the carpet and people are just expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. It would be so much more helpful if all of this were talked about and known. These threads are so helpful in that way. Likewise, I found a lot of 'what to do...' guides online, which really helped with the practical side and I wondered how people coped before the internet. Maybe people talked about it more in real life then? I don't know.

Mother87 Could you get some of the incense delivered? Or is there someone who would go in and get some for you? I cried in Sainsbury's, the first time I went in there after she passed, when I saw a selection box of veg that she used to buy. Really sobbed and sobbed. Thankfully I was with my partner. Everyday things seem to hurt the most.

BlueBelleKnoll - that's a lovely piece about grief - thank you... that IS how it feels isn't it - and yes, the everyday things, like a knife in the heart
Yes am going to ask someone to go and get our favourite incense soon - my hairdresser actually goes to the same Chinese supermarket for ingredients every so often - am sure he wouldn't mind
The Chinese funeral service advised us with all the 'fancy' stuff for the ceremony - I could almost hear my dad's voice saying "oooh boy how much is that" and he'd be telling us to save our money, but he was worth it of course⛩💜

Thank you @BlueBelleKnoll. In some ways being an 'only' has meant i haven't had to consult argue with anyone else about funeral arrangements for Mum and Dad but other than that, it is so lonely. I miss them both every day and although I can function just fine most of the time, I still get the punch in the stomach feeling at a waft of perfume or a back of a familiar looking head.

I was very close to both my parents and neither of them were 'sick' and so both times was sudden and unexpected - chat on the Monday and then a phone call from a hospital telling me to get there quickly on the Wednesday. Both times. And on both occasions I didn't get to the hospital in time despite (obviously) leaving straight away. I think that feeling of being cheated out of saying goodbye or having time to mentally prepare, has not helped me.

Love to everyone on this thread. I am late forties, married with lovely DC but sometimes I just want my mum and dad and nothing else will do.

BlueBelleKnoll

I don't really know what would be an appropriate amount to tip caterers at a funeral. Any ideas, anyone who has done it? The amount I tipped the funeral director's staff was nothing compared with the huge amount of the actual funeral, it was just a token amount, so if the catering is going to cost a lot I wouldn't imagine they would expect you to pay a percentage as you would in the restaurant. Don't feel bad asking. I asked a friend about tipping because I had absolutely no idea either.
Thank you for replying. Yes, talking about money is one of those embarrassing things people don't like to discuss. I asked a close family member, who'd organised an in-law's funeral, what kind of price per head the buffet was and they said they couldn't remember. I just wanted an idea, not specifics, but they said they had no idea at all. It just all adds to the strain of the bereavement.

My relative pre-paid their funeral a long time ago and I was surprised, when making the arrangements, that a member of the funeral home's staff commented on how little it had cost. I felt as if they thought we were getting a great deal from them and thought that was a rude comment. I made sure I pointed out they'd had 30 years of investment from the money.

It's sad to read so many people's posts on here. I feel for all of you. It's so hard to lose a parent. I've now lost both and I don't think it's something I'll ever get over.

Sending love to everyone on this thread suffering the loss of their mums and dads.

I just looked for this thread.
It's my father's funeral during the night (he's overseas) and I'm unable to go.
I've been OK with that until it suddenly hit me like a brick wall.
I've managed to stop crying as I was terrifying the pets and heaven knows what the neighbours would have thought - the walls are too thin.

Ah I'm so sorry
I often feel ok and then the grief comes out of nowhere
I hope you managed to get some sleep x

I had a massive panic attack. Now it's all over and there are only memories left.

Missingmydad hopefully this will become easier for you, for all of us somehow... sending a hug xx

It's two weeks next week, the funeral was today. On Monday I start a new job, should I tell my boss or not ?

I would tell them yes
If you suddenly burst out crying they won't know why and then you'll have to explain it through snot and tears

Missingmydad - I agree with Comps83... Most people are very compassionate or have faced similar situations themselves. This is still very very raw/new for you... We're a few months in and I'm frequently 'caught' unawares by all sorts of things...

Ok, I'll tell them. I didn't want to come across as attention seeking or as somebody unlikely to cope with a demanding job.

Mother87 I hear my mum's voice all the time, so I feel for you hearing your father's voice telling you not to waste money. I think it shows how close the connection was that we can know exactly what they would say. It's actually a lovely thing, even it it hurts at the moment.

SlightlyJaded Oh my goodness, I was away this weekend and I was in tears in a cafe because I saw the back of a woman's head who reminded me of my mum. It was more the clothes she was wearing. The choice of colours and fabrics were so much like my mum's.

SlightlyJaded I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye.

Howmuchshouldwetipthem I'm sorry you had to deal with rudeness. Grieving relatives can do without unkindness from others. As you said, pre-paid plans can be quite expensive.

I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye Jade
I didn't either, it's hard. I left last time I saw him with him not knowing who I was and sat on the plane about to take off and started crying thinking that I'd never see him again - I didn't.

missingmydad Cry if you need to. Your neighbours will just have to deal with it. If they are decent, they won't mind. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. If it's troubling your pets, maybe move to another room? Any ideas about pets, people with pets? I don't have pets.

comps83 and missingmydad my emotions are up and down as well. Sometimes I have a full on panic attack and shake with grief, howl and sob, other times I just have silent tears streaming down my face and other times I feel almost normal and can get on with things as I normally would. There are even odd times when I am enjoying the moment. It's a strange way to live, but not uncommon, I think. I just go with it.

Belle silent tears is usually my way if I'm crying, like you the rest of the time am often OK and normal and enjoying the moment too but then other times (like the time of the funeral) I was full on noisy, snotty crying.
I hope I cope at work tomorrow, it's so important to me to make a good first impression.

missingmydad Tell your new boss. My boss has been very supportive and I haven't been where I am all that long. People can be very kind when they know a loved one has been lost, especially those who have been there and know what it's like.