Hello everyone. I'm quite new to Mumsnet, so new that when I tried to post on here last month I wasn't allowed to post, because these threads are protected from newbie potential trolls. I have been posting on other threads under a different name. I've chosen a different name for this one because it will probably include some identifying things.
First I'd like to pass on my condolences and sympathy to everyone on here who has lost a parent. Until it happens, I don't think anyone really knows the pain of it. I always knew that it would hurt when I would lose my mum, because we were very close and the only family we each had, but it hurts more than I ever imagined. I read most of this thread when I tried to post before, but I don't think I've read anything in the last month, so I'll try to catch up. I lost my mum in the first week on 2020. It was unexpected and very fast.
Many of the things people have posted on here have chimed with me. One being that losing a very elderly person hurts a lot and the pain isn't lessened by them being old. I think this is because I have spent all my years with her and I am in middle age. That is a long long time and it leaves a massive hole that is never going to be filled by anyone else. Even though she had a long life, which I am grateful for, it doesn't make that loss any easier for me to deal with. The other thing that really chimed was the poster saying she missed having someone who really looked out for her and cared for her in a way no one else does, not even a very loving partner and someone else said this was because our mothers 'mother' us and we lose that sense of being 'mothered'. I really feel that and miss that. even though I am middle-aged and live in my own home, my mum would want me to phone her when I got home late from places or when I arrived in a foreign holiday destination. She always checked up on me if I was feeling unwell. She always put me first and I was always on her mind. She would literally offer me the clothes off her back and the food from her plate. That's gone.
I read somewhere that losing our parents is the time when we finally have to become adults and I get the sense of that now. I miss her so very much and sometimes the pain of it leaves me reeling in howls and sobs. I cope better when I'm working, because it's a huge distraction and doesn't allow me to think of myself at all, but when I get home I cry all the time, six weeks in.
Thank you to everyone who has posted, because knowing what the process is going to be like is very helpful, even while learning that it will be a very long process that will probably take years. The strangest thing is, the one person I want to talk to about this process is her. I used to tell her everything and that's the thing I miss above all. I do talk 'to her', but not being able to really talk to her and to hear her response is so hard, even though I know exactly what she would say. I sound like her when I speak. I hear her voice in my head all the time and when I speak what I think would be her words (or speak remembered words) it's like she's here and that both hurts and comforts me. A bit of a ramble, sorry. Anyway, thanks again for anyone reading this and much love to all of you in the same position. 