Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Hi there
My mum died in the early hours of Sunday morning after a short illness (although there was lots going on in the background leading up to it). She was elderly and we managed to get her home for her last day. We were so close - always have been. I, and so many others, loved her. I was her carer for the last 3 years. I had just left the house at 1.30am to grab some sleep at home to get a call that I needed to return but she was gone by the time I got back. I held her hand until all the warmth had left her.
I am struggling with how I am meant to be dealing with it. In the weeks leading up to her death, while she was in hospital, I bawled my eyes out freely in the evenings. Now there is nothing except I feel so angry and irritable with my siblings over arrangements for the coming funeral.
I feel fortunate though that although she was in and out of consciousness before I left her she spoke my name and returned a kiss.
I think I prefer anger to sobbing but it feels like a cop out.
Much love to all walking this path xx

I literally had pulled back the covers and put my foot into bed when the call came. But weirdly I had just said out loud 'I love you mum. I'll see you again'

I was shocked to see her face when I returned. There was a nurse sitting overnight with her. She didn't mention it before I went in.

I had spent 2 full days with her before she passed. We chatted and looked at a photo album I had put together of her. I think she made her peace with the world - there were a couple of surprising comments - not 100% sure what she meant but I listened and I hope she felt at peace.

I told her I loved her, I apologised for not being able to help her and for any time I had upset her. I thanked her. I stroked her cheek and held her hand.

Her cat stayed by her side for the entire time she was home, didn't eat or go to the loo. When the nurses needed to adjust her position the cat politely sat on a chair until they were done and then she returned. The nurse said mum had her hand on the cat when she died. (the cat is currently asleep on my bed at home now!!)

I have been having a few glasses of wine each evening. I don't want to lay in the dark thinking. Feel grotty tho.

I want this limbo time to be over. I don't want the forced coming together of people. I want to be alone with her that's all and everything else is a distraction.

My dad died suddenly when I was 18 (30 years ago) but I wasn't as close so that was a different process entirely. Walking new ground.

Thanks for this place to reflect xx

I had to explain, in great detail, what my sister had missed, as she was travelling from 4 hours away. The rest of the family tried to make me feel guilty for asking someone else to let her know what was happening, while I watched my dad die.
Then there was the emotionless black hole I fell down with a husband who had no idea what I was going through.
It bugs the fuck out of me, even now, that i had no decent support network. I also know that my family is and was incredibly self centred.

Wren77 - so sorry for your loss - she was lucky to have you looking after her for so long... and to have her beloved cat - your cat now? wishing you some peace and rest.. especially whilst sorting things out and seeing your siblings... some of these things can be 'challenging' at such a sad time I know xx

Hi to anyone still hovering... hope you're doing 'ok' in this new world... Dad would have been 90 today - it was the first time I've dreamt of him last night (that I can remember) I hugged him and hugged him - it was SO SO beautiful - he was wearing his pale blue suit from Singapore. Gone ten weeks now - trying to get used to something impossible to get used to. Went outside at DM's to sit in his car/turn the engine over to keep it roadworthy for DB visiting next week.
Another haul of notes/stuff that Dad stashed EVERYWHERE...bless him - every space/pocket/drawer/box HAD to be filled with 'stuff' - which has now become MY stuff cluttering up my drawers.
We decided against dimsum/Chinese food at his favourite place - DD wisely decided it would be too much emotional labour that we really didn't need - I think she was right... The original plans for his birthday was dinner there - he didn't want a 'big fuss' - but we would have hugged and kissed him and driven him mad and he would have loved it. He loved being with us...

Hi Mother, Happy birthday to your Dad. Your dream sounds wonderful, did it help?

It was 7 weeks yesterday and i feel dreadful. Someone said how are you yesterday and I just started crying.

I miss Dad so much and wish I could see him and hug him.

Hi.
Didn't realise this board was here. I losr my lovely Dad at the end of October. It all happened so quickly. He was diagnosed with metastases(sp) at the end of September, with was a shock as up until then we had no idea he had cancer. We knew he hadn't got long left with him but never did we think he'd be called home so soon.
I'm still having trouble processing it tbh. It happened so quickly. I keep remembering that he's not here any more and it all feels so unreal.

I miss him so much.

Hi thigh - the dream was the loveliest thing to happen in my head for months. I've read about people dreaming of their 'missing' loved ones and was wondering where MY dream was. Which shows how much I'm clinging onto finding some comfort somewhere I know

Am sorry you 'still' feel dreadful - I understand pretty much the place you're in. My tears/crying when people ask quotient seems to be stuck at 'awful/rubbish'

I don't know what I'd actually 'give' to see and cuddle him again - probably a good job we can't be tested

Saw the doctor last weekend as I haven't slept properly since dad was ill in August, and sleep patterns been rubbish since he left - Dr asked if I needed an anti-depressant. I 'reasoned' that I didn't because 'this' is all normal/it's grief/the world and his wife keep telling me it'll get easier - anyway, Dr decided I was far enough away from my 'usual' self to warrant a small dose of something that SHOULD help me sleep and MAY lift my spirits (not sure about that) It has helped with the sleep a little - or at least I get to sleep quicker each time I wake up - but have felt a bit zonked in the morning (am on the smallest possible dose/symptons should pass) I think I would have tried anything the last few weeks, and if it helps to restore some equilibrium... I KNOW there's no tablet for this - but still struggling to find any joy in anything...

7 weeks - no time to get used to such a huge loss, if ever... sending another hug xx

Hi AnneTwacky

Sorry about your Dad - it sounds like you didn't have much time from 'knowing' - it's horribly tough isn't it

this thread has been invaluable (to me) - just being able to say stuff/repeat stuff that isn't always possible irl (I found it a couple of days after my beloved daddy passed away in September - he was 'fine'/so vital - then he wasn't then he was gone in 5 weeks and like you, we're still processing it like a bad dream)

The posters on here have been a great source of strength - and have kept me going, helping me to believe it DOES somehow get easier...

sending you a hug xx

I lost my mum last summer suddenly over 7 weeks no prior issues and found this thread so useful. I’m so sad and sorry for everyone else going through this journey newly bereaved or further along the path.
I can safely say one of the most selfish things I’ve missed over the year is the luxury of being “mothered”. My mum was a great one for little texts and checking up if I had a cold etc and you find there is no one else who really cares in the same way.
My DH is great and kind but it’s not the same. After a year I’ve finally realised that’s gone and I’ve got to get on and take care of my little family without that support.
Having younger children is very hard as they were very close to their grandma and you feel that same loss for them also, that extra person who loved and supported them and maybe mothered them in a different but still missed way. A whole level of foundation gone. So many nuances to this grief not just missed the person it’s all the little ways they were intertwined with your whole.
I feel that people assume once the raw grief has passed you just get on and move on maybe with the odd sad day but it’s not like that at all. Not all the days are sad of course but it’s like moving on as a whole different person and it’s so hard to find the new balance.

Someone said how are you the other day and I teared up immediately then they apologised. I felt embarrassed that i can't guarantee I won't cry in public. I'm missing Dad more.

I was meant to have counselling this morning but I've cancelled, it's too soon. I just don't want to spend an hour crying with someone.

Bagpuss that's so true. I lost my Mum recently and she would say she was proud of me, that this or that top or haircut suited me, that I was the best daughter in the world etc and of course what she was saying with all this was that she loved me like a mother. No-one else loves you like that and it reminded very strongly me how awful it was for a young cousin who lost her mother while still a teenager. I can tell her that she's wonderful and we're proud of her but it will never ever be the same.
My house is full of things she got me because she wanted the best for me, from "good" cooking equipment through to nice underwear (which I'd asked for, not some weird random gift!), cue big ugly weeping triggered by slicing bread or hanging up laundry.
Also when I look in the mirror I see echoes of her... both a gift and simultaneously a heartbreaking reminder of loss.

I lost my Dad 4 and a half years ago. He wasn't my biological dad but my mums ex partner who was my father figure growing up so I always call him my dad as he was a dad to me.

He was the most amazing man ever, I loved him so much. He was kind, supportive and always there for me during thick, thin, good times and bad times. He always had time for me.

It makes my cry just writing this as recently I've been thinking of him more and more as I get married in four weeks and I would have loved him to be there with me.

Sadly he died after having a heart attack whilst driving and had to be cut out of the wreckage of his car, he was still alive when they got him out but sadly died by the roadside.

Luckily I'd moved back 'home' for a short time just before his death due to working in the area he lived so we got to spend loads of time together. It was a blessing to get that quality time together before he was taken so suddenly.

I think myself lucky as I was lucky to have him come into my life but I miss him terribly.

Big hugs to you all who miss loved ones xx

user068727 - yes there's only that person that loved us in that particular way. Dad was always saying I was a 'good girl' (for always looking after/looking out for him/DM) and he always said what a good mother I was (NOT always true) and he always noticed my outfits/'daft' shoes - it's all gone now - all the little things. It's been 10 weeks. He always stood st the window in the front room to wave and watch me drive off - even when he got ill and had no energy... And now I wave to DM at the front door - abd check all the other windows just in case. It's excruciatingly painful and I'm wondering if it will EVER feel any better... Sending YOU a hug too

Thigh... Guarantees of not crying are pretty thin on the ground aren't they

Ilovebagpuss - i think I'm still in the 'raw grief' stage since dad died - but I understand what you're saying - it's like a whole new landscape with this big void. Dad was amazing and had such a presence - but he was also irascible/short-tempered and one of his regular moans was 'nobody listens to me anyway because I'm old (89)' and 'nobody notices me anymore' neither statements were true - but maybe he felt like that at times - but he was MASSIVE influence with all sorts of stuff - so now there's a yawning dad-less chasm. I take DM for coffees and we're like a pair of wet blankets, not even pretending to be 'upbeat' - not good for either of us but we can't seem to shift gears yet. I don't even want to drive to hers cos Dad's not there - but yes we seem to have to all carry on... Sending you a hug too

Hoping - very lucky that you had that 'extra' time with him - sending you a hug

@Mother87 thankyou, that's really kind of you. I sometimes wonder whether it was divine intervention and that I was sent back to work near him on purpose. Either way, I'm glad we got that time together, no one ever gets enough time with those they love, especially when they're taken away so cruelly. We cherish the great memories we have though, and I for one am especially grateful

Registered Mum's death today and sorted out her burial and memorial service. Her husband (not my Dad but a good friend as they've been together for ages) is just heartbroken and in bits a lot of the time but I've gone back to being numb. It's as if a see through protective blast door has slammed down between me and what's happened. I know what happened but it doesn't affect me, I just plough on through getting stuffed done. Useful but I'm kind of resentful. I loved my Mum, I want to mourn her loss, moving straight to "fond memories of happy times" is just unhealthy and I worry that something horrible is festering under my floorboards.
@Hopingtobeamum that's unprintable harsh. To lose someone who loved you so dearly just because you were you and in that way, I am so so sorry, so cruel life can be.
Mum had been in poor health, we knew she wouldn't make it and were able to tell her we loved her etc etc and I'm so grateful for that.

@user068727 the early days are a blur, often it's the first time many of us have had to make such arrangements, it was for me anyway.
Either way I'm sure it's equally as difficult whether it's the first time or not.
I was fortunate enough to be able to take time off work after it happened, it was a weird time though and my decision making wasn't always the best at times.
Having never really had anyone who I had such a close bond with it was so awful. I don't have that bond with any other family member, not even my own mother.
I can only imagine and think back to how you must be feeling now.
Several years on though I still miss him terribly but I look back with such happy, happy and joyous memories. I think myself lucky to have had that. Whilst you may feel that now I really do hope you find a way through the haze and fog. Best wishes and big hugs x

@ThighThighOfthigh it's ok to cry, I still cry at times. People understand, I'm sure we can all relate and say we've done that too. I say again, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Do things at your own pace, talk or don't talk. Be kind to you and easy on yourself. Hugs x

@ilovebagpuss your mum sounds like she was a real sweetie. That's so nice to read.

Maybe we should all share the things that we loved about our lost ones (if you'd like to of course). I like reading about stuff like this, kind of gives me a warm feeling about stuff.

I'm reading this to try to help me process things as my mum is dying. She is so brave and strong. I don't know how to feel. I'm an HCP. I have spent years dealing with illness and death in all its forms and have built up such practical protective wall, it's hard to let that down even when it's my mum, reading this thread gives me glimpses on how I might let myself 'feel'. Her doctors keep trying new treatments but none have worked and her illness is just horrible. I know there is no hope, I have seen it all before, it's wierd to be grieving whilst she is still alive, Even harder is helping my dad who has fallen apart. I live 2 hours away. I work and have children. It feels like I'm living 2 parallel lives..

@Didiplanthis because we're all different I'm sure we're not feeling (or not feeling, perhaps) the same thing but... a lot sounds the same.
Not a HCP here but over the last 20+ years have cared for a lot of large elderly dogs and death is certainly no longer the Great Unknown, it's fair to say.
Also my Mum's husband had a nervous breakdown when she was hospitalised in the summer and is still pretty battered and fragile.
The doctors were clearly doing their jobs but in the end her body just had too much going wrong to survive.
I dropped more or less everything else, comfort ate for Britain, made full use of special leave and unpaid leave and did a lot of mindfulness and reading trash fiction so I was reasonably together while she was sick. A bit stressful but not overwhelming. I think like you because I could see this coming from years out I've done a lot of anticipatory grieving, maybe, and certainly taken pains to spend time with her and treasure those moments.
But now it's over I mainly don't feel anything. I was pretty knocked out the day after, spaced out you might say, but since then I've just been chugging calmly through the lists, often with a distraught and weeping widower next to me.

As a survival adaptation it's marvellous (funeral stuff all arranged, death registered, a decent proportion of organisations informed, will & other paperwork dug out, tick tick tick).
.But.
I would love to know what on earth is going on in my subconscious.
I mean this just ain't right. I've even been watching videos of her (we showed some to the vicar who'll be doing her funeral) as if it were any old video.
Where is my grief and when is it coming to get me because this just ain't right, at all...