Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Hello. Its been a while since I've been on here. It's been 15 months since my Mum died and its still really hard.
Last year a wonderful person on here sent me an advent calendar as I'd mentioned that my Mum always sent me one without fail on 1st December. Well that kind hearted Mumsnetter has once again sent me one and I just wanted to say a heartfelt Thank You. I'd just come in from a difficult morning at work to find it. What a wonderful wonderful thing to do. 💕

My beloved Dad died on 31 October - I’m sad and grieving but also want to remember him and celebrate his life
Any suggestions?
We are interring his ashes in 2 weeks day after would have been his 94th birthday
I’m still helping DM clear out his clothes n stuff
Does anyone know of a reliable place to get stuff made
For example a favourite silk tie could make padded Xmas tree decorations (my best friend died a few years ago and DD made me an origami star containing her photo which I love putting on my tree)
He had 2 favourite shirts which are in nearly every photo I have as he always wore them for a special occasion
What could they be made into?

Hello all,

My Dad passed away suddenly last week. He wasn't the picture of health but there was nothing to suggest we might lose him anytime soon. He was only 67.

I live overseas so travelled back as soon as I could and have been here for my Mom and Sister. My husband and children have now also flown back ahead of the funeral.

I am struggling to accept it's real and keep replaying the traumatic events in my head (even the parts I didn't actually witness), I think to try to convince myself that it did happen. He was found at home and my Mom had to give him CPR.

I think, because I live overseas, it might be easier to pretend it hasn't happened. I went to see him after he died which I found difficult but I'm glad I did it.

I just have no idea what to expect in terms of my grief and am worried that I'll just exist in a permanent state of denial on the other side of the world which doesn't sound like a good idea!

I almost feel more relaxed when I'm very sad as I think that's more normal. When I'm feel less sad I just don't know what to do with myself so I replay the events to try and trigger the sadness again.

Jace I've heard people have cushions and pillow cases made from clothes. Might be nice for silk shirts to be a pillow case with the tie as a trim. I don't know where, sorry.

Triangle someone said to me you don't have to have all the feelings all the time. I think disbelief and numbness are your brain giving you a little rest.

Hello @triangle4321, so sorry you lost your Dad so suddenly and so young.
I lost my Mum last week but it was expected. The end itself was unexpectedly sudden but I was there and so really in terms of these things I was lucky.
But I find myself in the same position as you. I feel pretty normal. I "know" that it's real but that's just my intellect saying, you saw her die and therefore ... I don't feel the loss at all. Sometimes I feel a faint sadness which is almost theoretical IYSWIM.

Do you feel you should be grateful for not being wracked with grief but actually you're deeply resentful that your psyche can't just be bloody normal and let you cry?

It was my Mum who was lovely and who I loved dearly, I want to mourn her and come to terms with her loss. And yet I've reported and registered her death, buried her and planted up her grave, have been sorting out her affairs, all pretty much completely calm and even cheery.

The sudden nature of her death did my head in a bit too. It's like I don't have coherent memories of that even though, you know, it was in the middle of the day and I was there throughout. The book "The body keeps the score" has some interesting stuff on how memories work and why this happens with traumatic events.
I have requested counselling through a work scheme but I feel a bit of a fraud. My problem is that I have no problem? Awkward no?

Some reading suggests our reaction may not be that abnormal but I would say that if it were truly natural we would be OK with it and we're not...

I had a great dream that Dad and I were at his funeral. We laughed and chatted the whole way through and paid no attention to the proceedings. I said 'what do you think of your coffin' he said 'Don't give a shit, just happy to see you'

My mum died this morning, she was ill but we saw her consultant on friday who thought 3-6 months. I thought that was optimistic but I wasnt expecting 3 days... I also feel ok I think. im fine with my emotion but I'm struggling with everyone else's. I don't want people to hug me and be compassionate. I want to crack on as normal and process things my way. I have ADHD and also have ASD traits and other people's emotions being applied to me makes me uncomfortable. I'm fine with other peoples emotions, I do that as a job, I just dont want them trying to fit them on me ! I need to block it until I'm ready. And I am terrified of not being able help my dad get through this as it will all fall on me. Then I feel guilty for feeling selfish... god this is wierd... also not helped by my ASD children reacting in very 'alternative' ways to it all. It feels like a parallel universe..

Thigh.. I think that dream is brilliant. How comforting.

Didiplant I'm sorry you lost your mum this morning.

It's very difficult trying to decode how you're meant to feel and meant to appear to feel and what to do re others feelings. Ds2 has ASD traits and asked me (in the first couple of days when I laid in bed and mewled like a dying cat) 'each time you wail do i have to come in here and hug you?'

Your loved ones will be used to how you process things, try not to tie yourself in knots wondering if you're getting it right.

Anything goes re this grief crap i think.

My DT both have ASD. They howled for 3 minutes. Then announced grandad could get a smaller bed now and put in a hot tub !!!

Didi when Dad survived his first illness and got out of hospital ds2 phoned him and said 'I'm glad you're home and not dead'.

Thigh - lovely dream x

Didiplanthus - bit of a shock - 3 days instead of at least 3 months (which is tough enough) Sorry for your 'unexpected' loss

Thank you, I think I'd already done quite a lot of grieving. I'd realised a few weeks ago that she might not make christmas, and although her final illness was very short, it was very well managed, and we had a few hours of knowing this was it where she was still able to communicate. In this time she let us know she knew she was dying and just wanted to go, she asked us if that was alright and would we be ok. We were able to say it was ok for her to go if it was time, that we loved her and wanted her to do what she needed to do, and we would miss her so much but would be ok and would look after each other, I stayed with her all night while her communication faded and only left her side once she had fully slipped into unconsciousness. I take huge comfort from this, and know how incredibly 'lucky' we were to get these precious conversations and time with her. We truly could say goodbye in the most real and loving way. It still bloody hurts though..... she was a very young 75 with do much left to do. All my grandparents lived into their 90s and she thought she had so much time left. My children are young and she loved them so very much.

I’ve not been here for a while and so sorry for everyone’s loss. Like some of you, I’ve felt like I was dealing with things a bit too well. I’ve been able to bury myself in a massive project at work use that as a distraction and able to carry on more or less as normal. Had a huge wobble this week though, my youngest has been poorly so sleep has been a rare luxury. I would always have moaned to my mum when my kids are being tricky and it hit me that I just can’t do that, and it’s just devastating. Grief really isn’t a linear thing, there’s no ‘right’ response is there? We just have to do what we can and stop when we need to.

Didi your situation sounds a bit similar to mine. My mum was 68, we had a relatively ‘civilised’ end and my sister and I both have small children (mine are 4 and 1.5). As her parents lived into their 90s too I feel cheated of 20 years we ought to have, and it floors me that my kids won’t really know her.

Morning all... just checking in. Had been 'wary' of doing so for a while, as nothing has changed (if that makes sense). 12 weeks since my beloved dad passed away - and yes he was 89, had a good innings and all. No the grief isn't linear or prescriptive or anything at all that I'm able to 'contain' yet.
He was at my house every other day, fixing stuff/fussing/snoozing in 'his' chair - and the pain of missing him here/everywhere is just terrible, like an awful physical ache in my stomach... And i've started 'doing' Christmas for 'everyone'/DC's/grandkids etc - the tree was delivered/i've put Santa hats on our Chinese lions - that always made dad smile every year... & DBrother and family are visiting for a week (a visit planned months ago to celebrate Dad's 90th - but he never made it quite this far) and they're all smiley and we're going out doing stuff. And i want to ask them all how they can possibly just carry on without dad?! But they'd think I was crazy/they weren't as close. And my overriding feeling is 'this is it - this is actually it - life without dad, it just goes on' I didn't think such a thing was even possible

It's 9 weeks today for me. I'm 'OK' but I'm just not thinking about things and getting on with it.

I'm very depressed overall though, very tired and very flat with no reserves. I don't really care though, there's nothing I can do to change anything.

I went for a massage in the week, it was so nice. My eyes just leaked the whole way through.

Is it 12 weeks for you Mother?

Hi Thigh... was going to shout out to you before - didn't want to spread my misery, but I can relate of course - flat/no reserves of anything... as my DM said - we've lost the 'warm' the enthusiasm for everything/all (well i have anyway)

I always 'leak' when having massages, usually when faced down - then i 'discreetly' wipe all the snot off before turning over...

this dad-less stuff is just grim. Yes 12 weeks on Sunday - how does everyone get through this? When, if ever, do we start 'living' again - will it happen? Hope you're as 'ok' as it's possible to be x

Mother i met a friend for lunch the other day and she said 'you need more in your life, how about a boyfriend!' It's honestly like I've got brand new glasses and i think 'hmm, this is why i don't see you very often'. I'm in a new world.

Having a facial next week, strangers putting scented oil on me and not speaking is the way forward for me.

Just need some support. Lost my dad in January and it’s still raw at times but added to that now my mum had a massive bleed on the brain on Sunday night and is unconscious in hospital and was only given days to live but is currently still with us. I’m devastated and finding it really hard visiting and seeing her unresponsive. She has not been happy since losing my dad and has felt lonely and I have been visiting her every Saturday to help her. However the last few weeks I had not wanted to go - I work full time and was exhausted. I’m now feeling awful about feeling that way and even more so since finding a note in a diary saying she didn’t want to be a burden on me even though there were some really nice things said as well. She’d written how she lived for Saturdays.

Thigh - yep! We're wearing Grief-Glasses now... Or Grief-Ears - a 'friend' who we think is generally a bit gauche said to my DM yesterday "Gosh - after all those years with your DH you're living all alone aren't you? That must be awful" I mean reeeeally??
DM & I agreed that something about this god-awful bereavement stuff has significantly lowered our thresholds for tolerating most of the human race - and it's become much much 'easier' to give zero f**cks about stuff/folk that don't really matter. I just want someone to tell me to "smile love it might never happen" so I can quite rightly unleash my uzi with abandon

Couldn't agree more - oils/strangers and lots of stroking is definitely the way forward - anything that soothes. These last few months have left my face with a kind of 'my shoes are pinching' expressionbut am gonna wake up from this bad dream soon - surely??

Lou898 - so sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time (especially after losing your dad in January) - no other words really

Mother what I'm finding galling is that i can no longer use the immediacy of my loss to explain why i haven't / won't do this, that or the other.

I can't say last week or even last month now - that i lost Dad. I'm not crying too much anymore, just a bit misty eyed which i try to control. But i feel really, really low. Just so blah.