My husband took his life last night

[itsallabouttheponies]

I'm devastated - we have four children from 25 to 8, who are in pieces. We had been separated for nearly 3 years but had tried to make it work in the last year. He was a long term alcoholic but such a wonderful kind man when drink wasn't involved. I had applied for a divorce last week which was the trigger and my guilt is overwhelming. The children are simply devastated and I've no idea how we are going to keep going - thank you for listening

Think of you ponies, just keep taking it one step at a time. Have a , make sure you eat something, and keep posting, we're still here.

OP I’m so sorry to read about your awful tragic situation.

I have recently been in a very similar situation. What I found very hard was people telling me I wasn’t to blame. Whilst I can see now that I wasn’t responsible for his actions, I do think the self-blame is inevitable in the immediate aftermath, and this is something hardly anyone around us understands. It can be extremely isolating feeling so guilty but with no one to talk to about that who will just listen and understand why you feel guilty. People with the best of intentions will close this comment down and will strongly insist that you should NOT feel the way you are feeling. Which in my case I found very isolating and unhelpful.

If you want to PM me please feel free. All I can say is that it does honestly start to get a little easier with time. It’s been 4 months for me and I feel like I turned a corner in the past couple of weeks or so and life feels much more hopeful again.

Am sending you all my thoughts and solidarity

(((Ponies)))

Have been thinking of you and your children today. One day at a time isn’t right, it’s one minute at a time for you right now.
Those minutes will get easier but not at the moment.

We are all here for you. It is strange but true that there really is this thing called the kindness of strangers.

💐

I'm so so sorry. It is not your fault. My mum died by suicide 18 months ago and something I did was potentially the final trigger. But it was not my fault. X

pamplem00se I'm so sorry to hear that. that sounds incredibly tough.

Ponies how are things with you? I've been thinking about you. It's such a traumatic time for you and your family

Thinking of you and your family OP, hope you are coping and that your DC are continuing to be your support. I also hope you have friends to talk to and to listen to you.

Thinking of you today OP. I hope you have people around you to take care of you. Talk here if it helps. There are people listening. Or off load to a service like Samaritans.

I wanted to echo what someone else said, which is that I found it wasn't helpful (though well meaning) when people stopped me talking as soon as I started to reflect on my own role in my dad's suicide and how things might have been different. I think I need to be honest with myself about that, so that I can forgive myself, just like I forgive everyone else. Shutting down those thoughts entirely just stores up trouble and stops me dealing with them I think.

So now might not be the right time, but ultimately you may want to find people (friends, professional, volunteers) who will allow you to explore those thoughts.

Oh, op. I’m so very very sorry for you and your children. Please know there is someone on MN day and night to listen to you and support you. I hope you are surrounded by people in rl who love you. 💐💐

Thinking about you and sending handholds lass

I'm so sorry. My husband took his own life last year.

For me, my GP was amazing, as were Cruse and the therapy I'm still in. The Help is at Hand NHS leaflet is easy to find on Google and useful.

Thinking of you and your children x

I’ve had counselling and been taught that guilt really is a waste of energy that can be channelled into greater things. Be kind to yourself OP. It is not your fault.
Sorry for your loss

@irregularegular you make an excellent point. The inevitable feelings of guilt are very important to be able to talk about (in rl, on here, in therapy etc) and it’s dangerous to ignore these feelings for fear of the issue just being closed down in an immediate “its not your fault” way.

OP- I really do sympathise with your feelings. It’s still only 4 months in for me. And those feelings of crippling guilt have started to abate massively with the help of counselling and self-forgiveness. The same goes for my ex-DP’s ex-DW, mother, brother etc. Do be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself in these early days. But don’t allow your feelings to be closed down by others, and do make some space to talk them through with those of us who have felt similar feelings.

Still thinking of you. This must be a very hard day if you are in the UK flowers]

Hope you and the kids are doing ok, Ponies.

I am so so sorry
For you
For the kids
And for you having to care for the kids

I don’t know if this is helpful at all . But with suicide I have always felt it’s a death from
Mental illness . Not a violent act . Or an angry one . But a death from a very very hard to bear illness . For which there is not an easy cure frankly

I think reframing it that way can help the acceptance and the very painful and unfair guilt you are feeling

It’s so sad . And it’s not your fault and its the end of a very long painful chapter

He is at peace now

And you need to slowly navigate all of you towards eventual acceptance

Wishing you and your children healing

How awful, I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

Please don't think you caused this even though it happened after the divorce application. His alcoholism was the problem. As you say, when sober he could be a wonderful person.