Dear ponies
I will bet you anything that his battle with mental health started before he met you. Without you and your amazing children in his life, he may well have taken his life earlier. Bear with me.
He sounds like a complex man and I understand how torn you must have been, between yourself and your kids and then him and your marriage. You did the right thing, you really did. The fact that you were separated three years before you filed for divorce speaks volumes about your immense love for this man and your dreams of reconciling with a healthier, sober DH. You did the right thing, please remember that. It was his decision to do what he did. He was entirely responsible for the choices, the bad choices he made. I'm sure at times you might have wished to drown your sorrows like him, think fuck it all and opt out of parenting for a bit, like him. I'm talking about the previous periods in his life here. But you know what ponies? You didn't, you carried on, fighting and never giving up on your family. And that strength that kept you going, through all the shit he put you through, is the same strength that will help to propel you forwards, caring for your family in a time of great and unexpected trauma.
Please please remember to look after yourself, you are the most important here. Take it minute by minute, then hour by hour. Just get through these next few days as best you can. Take friends and family up on any offers of help, take it, it will help.
Indian background gave some links to fabulous organisations. I've copied and pasted them at the bottom.
Winston's wish is fantastic at helping you deal with questions from your younger children, and how to help them in these early days. You can worry about the future later. Right now just try to get through the minutes,one at a time.
PM me if you like ,I have experienced similar to you, sadly. My first husband took his own life after our divorce and my fiancé took his life after a drink, medication and benzos clusterfuck, on the first night of our first family holiday. My DD has lost two dads this way, my son , one. There are a few of us on here, sadly.
If you can, keep drinking tea, keep hugging each other and cry as much as you need.
You will come through this, your children will too and this time will seem like a blur.
But while you're currently living through this hell, keep in mind the following, all the time. He did this, his choice, his responsibility for his feelings and behaviour. That guilt will try to work its way in but cut that bastard guilt down with a big fuck off sword (too much Game of Thrones, sorry).
You are blameless in his decision to end his life. You have enough to do clearing up the bloody mess and fallout of his actions. On no account must you take any real notice of feelings of guilt. Acknowledge them yes, but don't give them house room .
I apologise for this essay. I wish you love and strength to the five of you. The Big Five. I found renaming our family as the Big Three gave my children a sense of their new normal, as well as embarrassing them with my naff behaviour. Win win.
Take care. ponies
Hoof x
From Indian background
itsallabouttheponies)))
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.This is not your fault.
Once things settle you may find the following useful
*uksobs.org/
www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement/suicide
www.winstonswish.org/death-through-suicide/*