My husband took his life last night

[itsallabouttheponies]

I'm devastated - we have four children from 25 to 8, who are in pieces. We had been separated for nearly 3 years but had tried to make it work in the last year. He was a long term alcoholic but such a wonderful kind man when drink wasn't involved. I had applied for a divorce last week which was the trigger and my guilt is overwhelming. The children are simply devastated and I've no idea how we are going to keep going - thank you for listening

You did nothing wrong. I know that it will take a while before you can really absorb that and come to terms with his action, but it was his decision and responsibility, not yours.

I hope you and your children are being loved and supported right now. I'm so sad for you.

I am so very very sorry. You will still be in shock now, but you need to keep reminding yourself that this was his choice, not yours. You could not know this would happen. I am sure you did the best you could as a loving mother and wife in complicated, unpredictable, messy circumstances. No-one is perfect.

My father killed himself last year, so I have some understanding of how much more difficult most people find this compared to losing someone through illness. My mother died of cancer a few years ago. That was horrendous. But this is different.

Be kind to yourself. Be your own loving best friend.

Reach out to anyone and everyone that you think might provide some love, comfort, security, diversion, or practical help. Whatever you need. And say no to those that don't help. Hang on tight to what is good - your children, other friends and family, beauty that is still around you. Everything else will wash past eventually.

What are you and the children going to do today?

Do allow yourself to grieve for the man he was, could have been.

And please don't feel any guilt. Like his alcoholism you didn't cause it, you couldn't have controlled it and, sadly, he couldn't get to grips with it. You did nothing wrong. Anyone, no matter how much they are grieving, will be utterly wrong if they try to tell you otherwise.

Like others here I have been where you are with a loved one. I know how hard it is to rid yourself of the 'what ifs'. But do be kind to yourself, your kids too!

I am very sorry for your loss op .

Please do not blame yourself. I have experience of suicide in my family (in similar but slightly different circumstances) and it is not your fault.

Look after yourself op xxxx

So sorry for your loss, please don’t feel guilty (hard I know), he obviously had a lot going on in his head and it was his choice to do what he did even if it wasn’t a rational choice.

I hope you and your dc are getting lots of support, there are several charities out there that off support and counselling, keep talking to your dc’s, it’s really important. My ex husbands mum took her life when he was just 14 years old, the family did not talk about what happened, he wasn’t allowed to grieve and it cause so many issues for him and his sister. It’s important that you get help and that you keep talking.

Oh OP I’m so so sorry. Please know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not responsible for someone else’s actions. Take care of yourself xx

Never forget that this was his choice OP and no one forced him into it. His addiction was the driving force.

You will all come out of the other side one day - be kind to each other in the meantime, and this may sound odd but mourn him for the man he was and not the man he should have been. Remembering him with honesty will do your DC far more favours in the long term .

Here and listening with Wine glass: wine , Hot Beverage: brew , Cake: cake .

Opps.. I meant

You poor thing, and your DC. What an awful shock.

You did nothing wrong in applying for a divorce, you every right to do what is best for your own future. You couldn't not do that because of how he might react. That would mean being kept a prisoner for ever because of his difficulties. Let yourself off and look after yourself as much as you can. Do you have other RL support like extended family and friends?

So sorry you're going through this (((hug)))

You will be so shocked today and not able to process much other than looking after yourself and your children but it’s worth remembering that Samaritans are there for you too, to talk through your grief and anger to strangers rather than friends and family. They will support you if you need it and often run a group for families who have lost someone in this way certainly my local branch does. Please reach out to them anytime day or night. My thoughts are with you and your family but please try not to feel guilty , it’s not your fault .

If that was the point that he'd gotten to then anything could have been the trigger if it hadn't been the divorce. You're not to blame .

I'm so sorry. It wasn't your fault or your responsibility.

Is there anyone who can support the kids around? I found my grief overwhelming and was unable to support my child even though I wanted to, but she needed support. Bereavement charity phone lines can be good.

Bed down and hug your children tight
Alcoholism is a cruel disease and in time you will come to accept this.
Be kind to yourself ❤️💐

So sorry that you are all going through this.

I lost a very close friend to suicide and have come to accept that it was choice he made and to respect that choice. Please don't blame yourself for his choice.

Your divorce application might have been the trigger, but it wasn't the cause. The cause was his illness and his inability to cope and deal with it. His illness meant that he was unable to put anyone else before himself, including you and his children.

I am so, so sorry. Sending love.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss
This isn't your fault. Please lean on your family and friends. You and your DCs will need lots of support. Ask for help and remember to look after yourself as well as your DCs.

This wasn't caused by you so please don't feel guilty or responsible.

Look after yourself and your DC. I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be such an awful shock for you all

Firstly, it was not your fault. His decision. His is the responsibility. I would possibly, in the first instance, call the Samaritans, just to have someone to talk to and thereafter get counselling. But don't blame yourself.

Horrendous. I hope someone is with you?

No words of advice, just

OP, I am so sorry. I have lost four relatives to suicide, and I understand it is more complicated than a death due to illness.
When someone dies for any reason, we often feel inappropriate guilt. It’s part of the normal grief reaction - we wish we’d spent more time with them, or not had a recent argument, or whatever. You may well be blaming yourself for the divorce, and feeling that it was the last straw for him.
But you’d be wrong to think that. It could easily have been the saving of him, and pushed him to get treatment for his alcohol addiction. It was his own choice not to take that opportunity to turn his life around.
As PPs have said, it’s the alcoholism and associated depression that killed him, not the divorce.
Your only alternative to divorcing him would have been to subject your children and yourself to further years of misery living with an alcoholic, enabling his drinking, benefiting neither the family nor him.
You are possibly still in the numbness and shock that follow bereavement, and you may not be thinking rationally for some time, but please let people comfort you, and reassure you that you are not to blame for any of your DH’s actions.
Your local church minister would be very helpful in giving you time and space to talk through your feelings- they are trained and hugely experienced in bereavement care, and very willing to help whether you are a church member or not.
There are also voluntary organisations such as Cruse, who provide counselling in the circumstances.
Be kind to yourself, OP. Draw together with your DC to comfort and support each other, allow yourselves to grieve your loss without any guilt or blame. My prayers that you receive the help you need from all those around you - family, friends, colleagues - to get through this dreadful time and begin to heal. God bless.

I am so sorry. Its never your fault.

Bless you and sending you lots of love and hugs. Please please remember that this isn’t your fault, guilt is part of the grieving process. It’s still very very early days and you will go through lots of different feelings. Again please remember that it genuinely is not your fault at all, he was an alcoholic and was ill. Just take time with your children and get through this slowly and surely remember it’s a possibility the children will feel guilty as well, and it’s not their fault either. X