Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

I am so sorry. It's so hard to take in at first. Look after you too.

@Lioness22 I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad very suddenly Saturday evening and the pain is indescribable. My dad was so young at 56 and I feel utterly robbed that he has been taken away from us. I cannot stop crying, I’m not sure there are any tears left. My skin is literally burning from the salt in my tears.

I have a young baby which makes things all the harder. Do you have support?

Hi everyone, I've not been on this thread for a while, my dear dad died 21 months ago and life has taken on a new normal. God I miss him still tho.
My daughter got married a few weeks ago and it was hard not having him there as he was such a big part of her life. Happy and sad tears were shed on that day.
I'm sorry to all the newbies that have joined us, this thread was and is a great comfort to me. I didn't realise what a profound affect on me losing my dad would have.
I was off work for 3 months, a month before he died (he was very poorly and I cared for him) and 2 months after, it knocked me for six.
spider I had horrible dreams too, my dad was really upset and angry in them. I don't have them anymore.

I used kalms tablets in the initial days and they seemed to take the edge off.

🌷 mummylin hope things are well with you

My Mum was one of twelve, 6 girls and 6 boys. I’ve had overwhelming support from everyone, but the one person I need is gone and I just don’t understand how to carry on.
I’m sat at Newquay airport waiting to fly up to be with my Dad and brother. All these happy families going on holiday, everyone carrying on as normal.
Huge hugs to everyone who is going through this xxx

Leftielefterson, I cry endlessly. I’m so sorry for you, such a young age. Do you have someone looking after you?

@Myguide - thank you for sharing this with us, it’s comforting to know that others have lost dear ones and have learnt to live with it. People tell me that it never gets easier and it always hurts but the pain numbs a little. I just wish I could fast forward through this sadness and hurt.

I’m on maternity leave so I’m already off work which in one way is good but in another it’s horrendous because I came home most weeks and spent time with my dad and the baby.

@lioness - I’m glad you’ve had support, I do know what you mean though, you’re go to person was your mum and she’s the only one you need right now. They say the irony of grief is the one person you need the most is the one you’ve lost and I think that’s so true.

I’ve come home for a few weeks to spend time with my family but I find being here so difficult. I thought my family would be a tonic but they’re really not, if anything being around them makes it harder. I’d sooner rather be alone with my baby. I’ve also made the decision to permanently end the relationship with my DP which again is hard but it’s the right thing to do.

It’s hard isn’t it seeing everyone going on with their business? I feel like I’m wading through fog. Also speaking at his funeral so need to write the speech but right now I just can’t.

Sending love to you, I guess we take things day by day x

Its 4 months on for me now and it's getting slightly less raw. She was very ill for three months before and in hospital and a home not really knowing what was going on, which kind of made it, not easier, but more bearable. Still, I want to call her and tell her about something lovely that has happened, or go and see her or moan when I go and pick her up for Sunday lunch!
It really is, like becoming a grandparent, something you just cant understand until it happens to you.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I am both sorry to see you all in this situation and relieved I’m not alone. I’m now grappling with the guilt. We live on the other side of the world and have two small DCs who will barely remember their grandad. I was so close to him in my childhood and youth yet life and the miles have got in the way. I let them get in the way. The kids last saw him in 2016 as toddlers and age 5. It’s just so sad. His life story is extraordinary and I also never had a chance to write it. I now have to write a eulogy and have complete block of facts and other family members now questioning my recollection of events. Argh.

So terribly sorry, Lioness and Leftie

Sending out big love to everyone else who's finding this Fathers' Day hard :(

Hello all, I was recommended this thread after posting on another. My DDad died during the night, a complete shock despite a recent illness which he had apparently recovered from. We are all very numb today and it feels very surreal.

Emmapeeler so sorry you are having to join us. The same happened to my dad almost 2 years ago. He was ill but was about to start treatment and we thought he had a few more years with us.
It is a huge shock and very very early days for you. Take things hour by hour, day by day. It sounds as though you have support there? look after yourself as I found it hit me physically aswell as mentally.
Do you want to tell us about your dad? Very poignant that it's Fathers day today too

Emma I'm so sorry - sudden loss is just dreadful - I know there isn't a 'scale' but when its unexpected it's so difficult to comprehend.

I spent Father's Day writing his eulogy. Not my best one. Bless dh, he deliberately kept it v low key with the kids and was happy with a pack of biscuits and a free hour to watch sport. I was fine unless I thought about it then I was just a puddle.

Thank you. I have not yet caught up on the thread as all a bit weird today but so very sorry for anyone else grieving at this time (especially today, those of you who have lost DFs)

My Dad was just wonderful, the most lovely, kind and helpful man. Attentive, loving Grandad to my kids and DNs. Everyone loved him and he would help anyone. He spent his life surrounded by people he loved, eating and drinking things he loved, working in a job he loved and he would have been ‘pleased’ to go without making a fuss. I am devastated to not be able to say goodbye properly (weirdly, that also happened when both his parents, my DGPs, died) but glad for him that it was this way. I feel washed out and in shock and sporadically burst into tears but am basically OK. But I am now worrying about my DM who I am now staying with.

@Emmapeeler - I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad also died very suddenly and he was quite young, mid 50’s. Today has been horrific, like @Gamorasgran I’ve been writing his eulogy today. I keep looking at my 8 month old daughter and keep breaking down, he’ll never get to see her walk, her grow etc. It is horrific.

I’m really struggling to eat at the moment and have lost a lot of weight in just a week.

Sending you all hugs x

So sorry Emma hope you are surrounded by family and friends to help you through 💐

I hope for everyone who is missing their dad today that you have managed to cope ok. It is a tough day when it is the first time too. 💐

Leftie please take care of yourself, if it's too much to eat whole meals, try little snacks throughout the day. And do try and get enough sleep. Don't look forward too much, for now it's enough to cope day by day. 💐

My dad died aged 43 when I was 13. Seems so long ago now. He has missed so much of my life. FD doesn't really affect me so much now. The rawness has obviously diminished over all these years (23) but I do wish I could buy a card for him from DS.

Sending hugs to everyone

@Emmapeeler I am so sorry.
I am a week on, I’ve spent today writing the order of service and eulogy. Sending you all lots of strength to get this stuff done while trying to accept why you’re doing it in the first place. Lots of love to you all

Sending big hugs @Emmapeeler. @Lioness22 how ‘serious’ is your eulogy? How long is it? I’ve been tasked with writing it which is not a problem but now siblings want to ‘see it’ before the day having abdicated responsibility for it. As a writer, I find this frustrating but I guess I have to recognise he was their dad too! We have slight differences in recollections of facts between ourselves and our DM. Gosh this grief thing is complicated.

@DistractMeNow It’s a personal account of what she meant to me and my brother. I’ve only written notes but they include things like how she was fiercely protective, what her family meant to her, maybe a few funny anecdotes. It’s more warm and thoughtful than somber and serious. I keep putting it off.

Distract - I 'polished' my dads eulogy yesterday. DM wrote it and it was quite matter of fact and a bit depressing in places! Bits were quite negative and she hadn't really mentioned his family much (his brothers rather than his kids I mean).

I added some bits in, made a few light hearted comments and reworded the negatives. Mum didn't mind at all as she found it quite hard to look outside the immediate context and get her point across. That said, words are not her forte (she was a maths teacher...)

You mention that your siblings were your dads kids too - it was only when I looked at it that I realised some of the things I wanted to say and how the fit in the context. Bless my mum, the only reason she showed me at all was because her printer broke so please don't take it as a reflection on what you've captured.

My post made no sense! I meant to say that I avoided getting involved until it was forced upon me and it was only then I found I wanted to add stuff in!!

One more sleep until the funeral. Apart from rescue remedy, pretending you’re a newsreader, looking at the sky to stop from crying etc does anyone have any useful tips on how to hold it together? I am just so touched by everyone’s reactions (distant friends who we haven’t seen for years etc) and how supportive everyone is that I just dissolve. So many people who go about their daily lives appear to carry so much hidden grief and I’m sad for their losses as well and am crying for us all.

distractmenow hope tomorrow goes well. No matter how the eulogy goes everyone will be sending you waves of support and love and understanding. If you do cry that’s ok. I’ve now spoken at both my parents funerals/memorials. I found a bit of humour was what everyone loved and something small which really captures the truth of them. Or my ma’s I had my dp on standby in case I really couldn’t carry on. Wasn’t needed. Time came and I wanted to do it for her and for everyone there who loved her. Went in a blur but apparently it was good. You’ll be fine no matter what. It’s really tough but a huge honour. She’d be proud. Hugs everyone.
I too have realised how much grief people carry around and we simply don’t know. Has made me a bit less critical when someone is a pita - we don’t know what others are dealing with.
Hugs all.

I am just so touched by everyone’s reactions (distant friends who we haven’t seen for years etc) and how supportive everyone is that I just dissolve. So many people who go about their daily lives appear to carry so much hidden grief and I’m sad for their losses as well and am crying for us all

Distract me too. I have been feeling like this since Sunday. I really hope tomorrow goes well So are you reading the eulogy? I am dreading being asked to read anything (as I will be) as I have a phobia of public speaking.

I keep bursting into tears without warning and am trying desperately to hold it together for my mum, why I am staying with. So many things to think about sorting out. I have written a very long list. I just want to lie in bed and cry.