Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Hi all I'm new to this thread but have just been diagnosed with depression caused by delayed grief if anyone has heard of it? We lost my dad at the end of September and I have spent the last 7/8 months making sure that my mum and son are doing ok and kind of neglecting myself. This last couple of weeks I have found myself crying at the slightest thing and was totally bowled over yesterday by the fact that this year I have absolutely nobody to buy anything for! I sat in the doctors office this morning and it just all came pouring out. They said that they didn't want to prescribe me anything at the moment and suggested I maybe speak to a counsellor or at least a close friend/ DP. Does anyone else have experience of things like this? Thanks x

choccy I’m so sorry about your dad and that you are finding it tough. What you describe sounds familiar to me from when my dad died - around 10 months later (10 months of sadness but not what I had expected as ‘grief’ much less severe than expected) I really struggled and his death hit me hard for several months. I’m not sure what caused the ‘delay’ if anything did ‘cause’ it or if it was simply a different rhythm of grief than experienced by many.
Have recently lost my ma (6months agi) and my grieving has been more immediate and constant (with ups and downs) - very different.
You read and hear everywhere that grief has its own ways, it’s own patterns or none and is different for us all, most importantly that there is no wrong or right about how you might be experiencing it.
So good you have seen your doctor. Counselling may be a good idea to talk it through plus dp/friends. I think I’d say don’t question how or why you are feeling - the way you feel is simply that. Only thing that matters is that you get what help you need/want to help you through.
Hugs and it’s bloody tough but so are we.

spiderlight I’m dreading the ‘firsts’, my Mum died just before Mother’s Day but it was too soon for it to really register, the same with Easter which was her favourite time of year. I’m already feeling sick about Christmas and it’s months off yet but can feel it looming like a dark shadow.

I’m so sorry about your Dad Choccy and I hope you find some comfort in this thread it’s good you’ve seen the doctor and I’d definitely give counselling a try as well as talking to your DP.

I still haven’t arranged counselling & seem to have a massive mental block about it. I’m finding it hard to articulate how I feel in my own head never mind trying to talk to someone else, I’ve no idea how I’d get the conversation started and what if I don’t like them or they make me feel worse

annunciata I saw counsellor for 2 sessions after my dad died a few years ago to do with me finding him etc. Very difficult to get out of my head. To be frank the first session I just sobbed more than saying anything coherent. It was a big relief to just sob in safety and with a supportive stranger ! Felt I got a lot of my chest by doing that in that circumstance. Don’t worry at all about where to start. It’s fine also just to sit quietly - what’s going on In Your head is what’s important. Know you probably know this but hope helpful. really appreciated everyone’s support here yours included.

Thank you HeronLanyon that is helpful my GP thinks I have a form of PTSD from when my Mum was dying in hospital, I’m also really struggling with being ‘orphaned’ and completely feeling abandoned. I’ll try and force myself to get in touch with them this week, it’s through work but I also have other options if I don’t find them helpful. But I’ll never know that unless I try them!

I remember what you posted here about what you were going through. That was tough. I too feel sharply that o now have no parent alive. Can’t believe it really. Hugs to you.

My dad died yesterday morning, on my dd’s 5th birthday. Had to go ahead with a party for 25 kids plus parents at home, complete with bouncy castle. Now bracing for funeral which is on the other side of the world. How much time do people take off? I can’t believe people hold it together at work within days. I well up everyone asks me how my dad is or offers condolences.

Distract, so sort for your loss. This is my first post on here after losing my dad last week so I really feel for us both.

I started back at work today. The week before he died was pretty awful (he had cancer, 5 weeks from diagnosis to death, 2.5 of which were in hospital). Last week felt like a relief/release tbh and whilst I had some tricky patches, I'd pretty much started my acute grief a couple of weeks ago so wasn't as bad as I thought. Me and my mum did lots of admin/funeral planning and dh made sure I had some quiet time with him/the kids/alone too.

However, getting back into a 'normal' routine hit me like a tonne of bricks today as did doing our normal Sunday lunch yesterday where his absence felt like a massive unfillable hole.

Funeral is next week and I'm dreading it (don't find them cathartic at all, I loathe them) and also how dm will cope after. She's in 'busy' mode at the moment with lots of people around her so I'm expecting a slump when that fades.

I also can't think about Father's Day. I need to get the kids to get dh something but I can't face it tbh. Not that my daddy was that bothered except as an opportunity to be annoyed but he's not here anymore to grump about it.....

Thank you Heron

Distractme I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad and huge kudos to you for being strong enough to go ahead with your DDs party. I was off for ages with my Mum but she was critically (as in could go anytime) ill for a few weeks and there were logistical issues with me not living near her but being an only child I was the only one who could do/organise most things once she’d died.

If you’re going to the other side of the world I think you’ll a couple of weeks, depending on when the funeral is and how much organising you need to do or if you need to be there to see solicitors, sign papers etc. Do you have other family members living where your Dad lived or are you all traveling over? I’d speak your employer and try & work something out, mine were brilliant but as you can see from some other posts on here not everyone is so lucky. But you can always get signed off by your GP either before you fly out or after you come back if you feel you’re not able to cope with work, don’t try to rush back.

So very sorry, Distractmenow and Gamorasgran.

Sorry to hear your news @Annunciata333 and @Gamorasgran. Wow how do you function at work before the funeral? I have only been back a week since visiting him in hospital. Work was great: I had two weeks off, full pay and am newish in my job and in my mind have not yet proven myself. We all thought he’d sort of come out of hospital although he wasn’t getting much stronger and was sleeping a LOT. He had an op which had gone well - and then he had a stroke the day after. It’s the guilt that is overwhelming. We didn’t go back last Christmas with the kids as he was recovering from another op and he and dm said we should wait till he recovers. I had promised we would all go back this Xmas and I know he was looking forward to it. I can also envisage a spat with a particular sibling who owns the majority of the house he lived in with DM as sibling has been threatening to sell as soon as one dies.

I use it as a distraction tbh. I did similar when I lost my brother a few years ago (which was very unexpected).

Also whilst my actual boss/team are lovely and let me be as flexible as needed, HR policy only allows 5 days paid leave so on a practical level I need to balance out this with my annual leave. My dm is feeling a bit crowded and has lots of company atm, kids are at school so basically not much for me to do.

Sorry to hear about your brother @Gamorasgran. That must have been such a shock xxx

I think we must have cross posted Gamorasgran I’m very sorry to hear about your Dad too

I guess everyone is different but I could not have coped in any shape or form being in work whilst my Mum was dying and for a good couple of weeks after the funeral, I would have had to get signed off by my doctor if work hadn’t been as good as they were. I’m not coping that well now even though I’ve stepped down into a less stressful role and I’m medicated.

That sounds awful Distractme about your sibling wanting to evict your Mum I hope the rest of you can stop that happening.

Thanks hope the new role is working out better for you @Annunciata333. Sadly the property market where dm lives has gone crazy and it’s almost London prices but with higher interest rates.

Awful, awful dreams about my dad last night :( I don't know what my brain is doing to me at the moment.

Sorry to hear that @spiderlight. Do you want to describe your dream? How long has it been for you now?

To anyone who has been through the funeral: how did you get through it? I don’t think anti-depressants would kick in in time even if I got hold of them now. Is there anything anyone else took that is off the shelf and helpful? I suspect I will do a eulogy which I want to do but just don’t want to be bursting into tears during.

I feel a bit pathetic as he was 80 and quite ill (though we all thought he was on the road to recovery). My DM is traumatised as she was there at the end and there was a bit of a panic in the room, gasping, eyes bulging etc. We still don’t know what killed him off- suspect it was a stroke.

Distractme I'm on betablockers called Propranolol from my GP and find they help, they're for anxiety rather than depression and don't effect your mood as such they just take the stress/anxiety down a level. They may not be suitable for you but your GP will advise. I was actually ok when I was organising the funeral/sorting everything out it wasn't until it was all over and I was back at work that I really crashed and burned, hence the beta-blockers!

Spider I am so sorry, I am having disturbing dreams too it's horrible isn't it

It’s only day 3 and I am already getting angry: mad at the kids, mad at the other half, annoyed with having to go to the other side of the world for two weeks (that will be four weeks out of 5 that I am travelling, away from home and job). Resentful of the big financial burden coming my way: housing the surviving relative. I thought the rage thing was meant to hit later!

Ohhh I'm full on raging Distract! I have been snappy and 'over sensitive' for the past couple of days and am really losing patience with everyone.

I am having the dreams too but luckily mine have been pretty benign and comforting. Hugs to those who haven't been.

Hi all. 6 months on from the death of my lovely ma I am now in the stage where friends are telling me how I wasn’t coping very well in months 3 and 4. Nicely and properly when discussing it all. I thought my months 3 and 4 had been fine !! Apparently I am starting to come back or come through. It’s a tough old slog. Literally one day at a time, all. and hugs.

So very sorry to see that yet more posters have joined us. I hope that they can get some comfort from this thread by speaking to others going through the same thing.
There are so many different emotions felt by us all. The sadness, anger, finding out that so called friends are not so supportive as we thought they would be , although I can't say that for myself, I was lucky.
It really does help though to have somewhere where you can discuss your worries and fears, and also if you want to have a rant.
Do look after yourself and take each day as it comes. 💐

Rescue remedy is meant to relieve stress and you can buy over the counter Distract this may help you.

HI everyone - I haven't caught up yet, but I will. I haven't been here for ages. It's now just over 4 months since mum died and everything still feels a bit maladjusted and fuzzy. We have done something lovely with some of the money I was left - had a brand new kitchen (first one ever!). It just makes me really sad that she wont ever see it though.
More shit from my sister and nephew wanting their share of the money, which I simply sent off in the end. Unbelievable - they did nothing for years, but demanded the cash. Ah well, I never have to see their nasty spiteful grabby faces again anyway.

I miss her so so much still. We are waiting for a nice day (!) to take her ashes to the sea which will I guess be final goodbye.
Lots of love to everyone on here and I'm sorry you are here too

My Mum died very suddenly on Sunday. It’s such a comfort to find other people going through the same thing. I’m at the stage where it doesn’t feel real and I keep thinking I should ring her to tell her what’s happened. I’m flying solo up to Yorkshire tomorrow to be with my Dad. I don’t know how I’m going to be in her house. There is still cake there from her 64th birthday last week. I’m heartbroken