Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

foxy sorry you are experiencing this. It doesn’t sound unexpected to me but good you will talk it through as it sounds as though it’s really tough for you.
I have had thoughts of my dp dying and me too but in a stupid practical way - dealing with all of my ma’s affairs has made me think about how I leave mine in better order than they are now. So all practical in the main. I was very anxious for a few months after my mum died - trouble sleeping kept thinking I’d miss a phone call etc. Less so now (6 months on) but deffo very affected by her death.
Hope your mhp is helpful.

@foxyfemke - I absolutely know how you feel. My mum died suddenly in February and I almost feel like now we’ve been “visited” by death, it’s going to come again. It’s so strange. It’s worse at nighttime too, I think it’s because my mum died in her own bed I visualise it a lot and imagine it happening again. I also have those thoughts about car crashes etc.

I’m not sure what to do about it. I am definitely an anxious person anyway so am considering going to my GP although am worried they will say it’s a natural part of grief. It’s very hard.

Thanks @minicat79. I am mostly fine when my husband is home, but when he was away last week, a long way from home, I panicked. I have an appointment booked in with my MHP at the end of June, so I will talk it through with her. I can recommend seeing an MHP, but I realise the provision where I live seems much better than in the UK.

I feel a fraud joining this thread because it was my MIL that died so not my parent. But she really was like a mum to me and i'd known her since I was a teenager. I had a terrible childhood and I'm estranged from my dysfunctional family. Lost my birth mum when I was a kid.
I'm thinking of you all.
I feel anxious, lost, lonely. I feel completely left out of my DH family. But how can I complain when they've lost a mum and wife.
I was very strong for DH through initial diagnosis and death/funeral but gradually since then I feel myself sliding into a black hole.
She treated me like a daughter. I spoke to her often and saw her often too. She doted on my kids. She was a rock. My DH and I have a strong marriage, in part because I was close to his mum.
I'm struggling with my other sister in laws who seem to have got closer to the family since our loss where as I've drifted. It's breaking my heart.
I feel wretched because it's not even my mum and I'm moaning here.
I just needed somewhere to talk because I've cried all day.

Oh Bedsidedrawer - you're not a fraud at all. I'd be exactly the same if my MIL died. It must be really hard for you to feel as if you're drifting away from the rest of the family as well. Have you been able to talk to your sisters-in-law to let them know how you're feeling about that?

bedside pil can easily become very loved and important. My dp has found the death of my lovely ma difficult to deal with as they became close (closer than my own siblings really).
Not fraudulent in the slightest and there’s a lot of lovely support here.
Stay strong. Hugs to you, your dh and family.

Thank you, you are kind.
I have issues. I push people away.
I'm having counselling but wonder if I need medication. I have terrible mood swings.
I have found grief affects me in ways I would never have thought. I've lost my self-esteem and I've become very needy

Hello everyone, especially to anyone new joining us.
Bedside many people have a very close relationship to their in-laws, you obviously were one of them and so thought if her as a "mum" to you, so your grief is very valid,
I hope everyone is managing to cope by whatever method is suiting them the best and I also hope that your RL support is not dropping off as so happens sometimes in a relatively short period.
Some people seem to think that you " get over " your loss in a couple of weeks and then bounce back to normal. Well we all know that's not true sadly.
Hearts hope you coped ok.
Take care of yourselves, one day at a time. 💐

Well I've been back at work 2 days now. It's 3 weeks and 1 day since dad passed away. Yesterday was horrendous tbh. When on the train I realised I was wearing he same outfit as that day 3 weeks ago. And all day I was clock watching and thinking "3 weeks ago at this time all was well". "3 weeks ago at this time I was phoning dads home and mobile from work phone". I think it's because I went straight from work to his house, where I found him. It was a really really tough day.

I got 5 days bereavement leave then took more sick time. Unfortunately had to go back sooner than I wanted due as I no longer get sick pay...had been off last year on long term sick leave so no longer entitled to sick pay. And unfortunately I have bills to pay.

I didn't expect anyone to fawn over me or anything but I did expect my boss to at least address me before 2pm she asked to speak to me and offered her condolences. She then said that I'm obviously aware I'm on a Sickness Management Plan and not meant to be off sick for 8 weeks but under the circumstance "she'll let this one go". She then said she'd allow me one day (yesterday) to be a bit slower than usual but from today she expects me to be back up to speed.

I'm actually leaving soon. Currently working my 12 week notice and only have 4 weeks left. I'll put in the minimum effort but I'm not going above and beyond at all. My other colleagues have been great.

Finding things so hard hope everyone else is doing ok under sad circumstances

Sorry to hear that your boss wasn’t very supportive @daintytoes. I lost my mum nearly a year ago and one of the things I have found the hardest is having to do all the usual stuff in life whilst carrying this heavy burden. So you are grieving and feeling unwell or don’t sleep great but you have to crack on with it all.
I hope you have found somewhere good to move on to they sound heartless. My company was excellent but it’s soon forgotten and you are expected to be fine.
I’m sorry you can’t have more time off. I don’t think we care for people well enough after bereavement I feel there should be statutory paid leave of some sort. Glad you have some kind colleagues.

@daintytoes, it sounds like you're better off somewhere else. Do your minimum, no more than that. It's shocking what your manager said.

Bedside I’m sorry you’ve lost your mother in law she was a Mum to you so of course you’re grieving just as we all are. It must be harder for you in many ways as you’ve got those feelings of not being ‘entitled’ to mourn. It’s definitely worth a trip to the GP to discuss medication, I was surprised at how sympathetic and helpful mine was.

Dainty thank feck you are leaving, your boss sounds awful I wouldn’t bother in the slightest about being ‘up to speed’ just do what you feel you can cope with and lean on your colleagues who are being supportive. How are your Dad’s fish doing, hope your favourite is keeping a boggly eye on you

I completely agree with Ilovebagpuss that there should be statutory bereavement leave. I am so, so lucky that my work and my boss were 100% supportive, I had loads of time off (paid) and I’m on a reduced workload now without actually being demoted so I can step back up when/if I feel able. I’d have completely broken mentally by now if that hadn’t been the case and would either be signed off on long term sick or would have had to leave.

@Bedsidedrawer I feel exactly the same as you. My MIL passed away a few weeks ago after a long battle with cancer. I feel completely detached from the family including my husband. I feel like I'm not allowed to grieve. I haven't been involved in anything. Like you of course I haven't said anything as it's not about me but I just feel like I'm walking around in a black fog. DH plans on getting drunk at the funeral. He can't handle his alcohol so I'm not staying long as we are taking our older children. He's been drinking every single day and he's a nasty drunk. What can I say though if that's how he needs to cope with losing his mum I need to leave him to it but it really is taking its toll.

Beautician - so sorry you are going through this. Also sorry your dh isn’t coping without drinking (and problems that brings) that’s really stressful for you on top of your own grief for your mil.
I lost my ma 6 months ago and just last night my dp basically broke down a bit and said that whilst I’d been brilliant in lots of ways it had been really stressful dealing with me on top of their own grief for my ma. Really made me think. The ripple effect is strong and I think I hadn’t realised at all some of my own stress inducing behaviours. It’s really tough and of course it takes time. Glad we had a ‘discussion’ argument as it’s made me think and keep moving through the process. It also allowed us both to apologise for some stuff. It all takes time.

@HeronLanyon so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult isn't it. I guess there's no right or wrong way to cope and it's still early days for us. DH and I are having lots of little arguments all the time. He keeps snapping at me and when he's drunk says some hurtful things. I had a big cry this morning in front of my children. Not my finest moment but I just couldn't hold it all in. Hopefully DH will open up to me eventually. I'm glad that you've had a discussion even if it did turn into an argument, hopefully it felt cathartic on both your parts.

I was thinking today in the 9 years since I met DH I have seen my MIL loads more than I saw own mum. I don't have a very close bond with my mum and although my MIL drove me crazy at times, I always knew she was there for me if I needed an ear. When she was initially diagnosed it was my house she came to first and we cried together. I'm very thankful that we got to spend her last Christmas with her. I told DH to invite her over and I'm so pleased the children have that lovely memory.

Oh beautician - really sorry she was a mum to you (As well as your own). So lovely about Christmas well done you. Things like that mean a lot through grief. I had a lovely family birthday celebration for my ma the week before she died. I was feeling really unwell and nearly said I’d pop down a day or two later. So glad siblings and I all have good memory and that she had fun that day.
It’s bloody tough. Have you told dh how much you miss her ? Sounds like he’s angry grieving perhaps at the moment - might help him to hear a bit of your own love for her. Might help him be more supportive with you. This thread has been great with a lot of great support and a place to say stuff which might be hard elsewhere.

Haven't been on here for a while just trying get through a day at a time since losing my mum in January.Just now I feel that I can still feel her not so much in a spritual sort of way ,but it's as if I can still smell her and I can almost reach out and still touch her. Sorry it sounds a bit silly but I feel as if she is still in my vision just unobtainable in the background sounds bonkers I know.

Hi everyone, hope you're all being kind to yourselves

Well, had my first dream about dad last night. Always imagined and hoped any dreams I had of him would be positive but this has left me floored all day / evening.

I don't know if anyone remembers my story. Almost 4 weeks ago I found my dad at home. He was in the hallway on the stairs but in a sitting position, so it appears that he felt unwell and sat down before passing away.

In my dream I visited him at home, opened his door and found him on the stairs with a duvet over him, alive by looking very unwell. He asked me to call 999 but I had no signal on my mobile and was having issues with his house phone. I don't remember what happened after that.

I don't know what to make of that but have been really upset today.

And it's back to work tomorrow, back to bitch boss who has been pressuring me all week to perform better. Considering I only went back to work on Tuesday, dad passed away on 7th May and his funeral was on 17th May. I'm scared I'm going to blow if she doesn't back off. I have a lot of anger inside and I'm scared it may come out if she continues to push my buttons

Hope everyone managed to have a nice weekend

Oh daintytoes the dreams are hard, aren't they? So sorry. I had a very vivid false-awakening dream yesterday morning in which I woke up and went to the bathroom as usual and my dad was in there. I said 'Oops, sorry!' and shut the door, and then thought 'Hang on....' and called to my DH. I was saying 'Is this a dream? Is it a false awakening?' and he was like 'No, you're awake. Your dad lives with us now - you know that.' Then I woke up for real :(

spider that dream sounds horrendous worse than those first few seconds in the morning when you wake up and all is well....

for you.

Thank you. I spent the next several hours wondering how and why my own mind could be so cruel :( I've been longing for a lovely dream about my dad and it gives me that!

That's exactly how I felt...I wanted a dream and it wasn't the type I wanted so very cruel as in the dream I could have saved him

Sorry to see you joining us Beautician and that you’re struggling with DH and his drinking too I hope he does open up to you and you can grieve together and support each other.

I’m getting The Dreams as well, also vivid but not pleasant, I’m a child in some of them & keep waking up in an absolute panic till I remember I’m an adult and not homeless or penniless.

Dainty have you got a HR dept you can speak to? Though as you’re leaving anyway maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you told bitch boss a few home truths.

Oh God - just stood sobbing in Marks and Spencer because the Father's Day cards blindsided me. I was with DH and had gone to choose some drinks for DS's lunchbox while he chose a card for his dad, but there was a separate lot of cards at the end of a different aisle and I spotted exactly the one that I would have bought for my dad and just started sobbing. It's going to be a tough one this year :(