Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Hello Broken I wish I could tell you that next week things will be better, but sadly at the moment they won't. But one day in the future your broken heart will slowly begin to mend. There is no time limit for this, everyone is so different.
This must of been an awful shock for you, so as well as the grief , you are dealing with shock.
All I can say to you at the moment is just take each day as it comes, sometimes that's enough to cope with in these early days. It will get better , but it takes time.
I hope you have good RL support, but do lean on this thread whenever you need to. 💐

To all the new posters, I am so sorry that you have had to join us. But you can gain wonderful support from each other on this thread. Do all take care of yourselves, Make sure you eat regular meals, and take all the help that is offered by friends and family, especially lending you their shoulder when you need it. 💐

11 months ago today my mum killed herself. It's been a couple of years with so much change and upheaval, I've only been managing day to day... I've had times I feel like I'm surfacing.. but as the one year mark looms I'm wobbling badly again. Struggling today because of (ironically) the beautiful weather, I keep thinking if she could have just hung on through the bad things she was going through, if I could have helped her to hang on, she'd be seeing this now...

I knew I was in a low place this morning so I tried to cheer myself up by listening to my 'happy' playlist on way to work... but then 'Here Comes The Sun' came on and it just broke me and I spent the beginning of the day sobbing in a quiet corridor. Music is one of the main things grief has taken from me, because sad songs kill me with their sadness and happy songs kill me with their happiness. I don't know how to doctor myself, how to get myself through a day like this.

I finally got her phone back from the police last week, I've been meaning to use it to close her Facebook account but I don't dare turn it on as i know I'll be tempted to read her messages and I don't want to be proved right, that she felt let down and betrayed by me. I'm scared of what it will do to me.

And all this angst is so much easier to think about than just the fact I MISS her so much. I miss her so much. I feel like I've spent a year refusing to properly look that in the face. And I'm scared what will happen to me when I finally do.

I am so very sorry. That must be awful for you - I can't even begin to imagine :( I know what you mean about songs. There are still some that I can't even think about listening to. I wish I had words of wisdom to make it feel better.

Thank you @spiderlight. It does help a bit just getting it out there. There's no-one in real life I can talk to. Close family either wouldn't care enough (Dad who is her ex partner, step mum, step and half siblings) or care too much to burden with my stuff as well (sister); partner is rubbish with feelings, and in any case has just found out his own father is terminally ill so not the time to be burdening him with my (theoretically healing) grief as well... Obviously can't talk to colleagues about it...

Don't have any very close friends at the moment, groups of lovely 'mum' friends who I love but no-one who knew my mum, and my best old school friend is amazing and helped me clear my mum's house, but we aren't so so close any more, she has her own very busy life, and I just feel I should be on an 'upward trajectory' with grief where I should have needed people as much as I would need them when it happened and should then need less and less... instead it's like a roller coaster and right now I'm in a big dip!

to everyone fresh in their grief, and to those like me who are finding it isn't a straight road to 'better'

I’m sorry to see more new posters joining us too but hope you will find some support and comfort from the thread.

All of us are grieving but my heart goes out to you both broken and names that must be so extraordinarily hard.

broken I hope you have some real life support and people around to lean on, please do lean on them as much as you can/need to.

names have you had or would you consider counselling at all? It’s not for everyone but it might be helpful to try and work through some of the guilt and fear you’re feeling.

I’m struggling with work, I have quite a stressful job that’s only really do-able if you’re fully committed and highly motivated and I am absolutely neither at the moment, I just don’t have the mental energy to care. I’ll see how things go for a few more weeks but may need to have a conversation about stepping down/back into something less full on or taking some time off, not sure how that will go down and I can actually see myself leaving in the not so distant future.

My DM died 2 weeks ago and funeral is tomorrow. Have managed to cope with everything so far with help of One DB.

As the hour gets nearer my strength is deserting me and I want to wail and scream.

I never imagined that it would feel like there is literally a hole in my heart.

What do you say when people ask how you are doing? I've been saying things like "OK considering"

What I actually want to say is how the fuck do you think I'm feeling. I want to tear out my hair, bang my head against a wall. Anything to make the pain in my heart less. But you can't do that can you. Well I have to DH, who is being amazing.

And how do I comfort DD8 who has lost her beloved nanny when I can barely hold it together.

And I could start a whole thread on the rest of my dysfunctional family.

But I have the most amazing in-laws who are coming tomorrow to support me.

I'm also angry that my DF will be there. He divorced DM over 30 years ago and he's a bit of a crap parent (has not even called) but he won't miss going because of appearances.

So,DH is under strict instructions to not let me drink too much and to whisk me away after an hour, and fuck what everyone thinks as they couldn't care less any other time.

Then comes "the estate". DM didn't have much, she had already passed her treasures to her DGC, but seems there are comments about relatives coming to the house do they can take a memento. Couldn't bloody visit her before she died though.

Sorry that was rambling but strangely cathartic.

Thank you so much for this thread.

AmProperlyIn sending you hugs and . I am so sorry you’ve lost your mum. I hope the funeral is a lovely send off for you - it will be tough and for your dd I hope it helps a little that you are needing to hold it together for her a bit but she’s of an age where she will have a bit of understanding seeing your loss too.
Really good your have one dB and lovely dh being supportive.

It does ease. I am 6 months on from the death of my mum who was also my best friend in many ways. It gradually sinks in (still not fully for me I confess). I’ve had real blips where it’s all awful and these are less frequent. Still feel generally crap and knackered and so sad but it really does ease.

Good wishes for today. This thread has been bloody brilliant for lots of us. It is just as you say cathartic to say stuff here and get lovely support here too.

Hugs.

My dad passed away on the 7th of May and his funeral was yesterday.

His official date of passing away (can't say/type the D word) is 7th May however we don't actually know the real date and never will. That is the date I found him at home.

My heart hurts so so much and it has really knocked me for six. Our relationship was a strange one. He was so gentle in so many ways, so old fashioned in others and didn't really know how to show his feelings. So I didn't feel loved in the traditional sense of the word as there were never cuddles, kisses on the cheek or "I love yous". But I know he loved me and I hope he knew I loved him. I didn't see him very often as he worked 4 12-hour shifts, 2 days off, then 4 shifts again, and so on. On his days off he liked doing his own thing so I only saw him about once a month.

Obviously I knew (and know) I loved him but had no idea just how much until he passed away, and during his very short illness.

I feel so broken inside and have found myself thinking very much that the only way to ease this pain is to join him. My head is spinning. I've tried to keep busy but I'm constantly thinking of him. And even when I do become distracted there's that awful realisation which hits me like a sledgehammer when I realise once again that he is gone

I have so much guilt inside. Guilty because I didn't push him for more frequent visits. I let his priorities on his days off take over instead of insisting on me visiting him. I feel guilty for being such an awful teen (and early 20s). I was vile. I lived with him from about 14 onwards and I was a nightmare to live with. I had a lot of hurt from parents divorce and circumstances and really took it out on him, even though he was the innocent party. But he never retaliated. He was a quiet man who loved a quiet life and I brought the drama.

My head is a mess tbh although I know it's early days. I really never considered I'd be on this thread

daintytoes (lovely name - makes me feel clumsy!). I am so so sorry for you losing your dad and for how you are now feeling. It all makes sense and you sound really lovely and thoughtful.

Please know that what you are feeling is ok. You will still be in shock (I was for many weeks after my ma died).
I too had periods of being really difficult for both my parents (both are now dead - I can just about say it). Sounds to me as if you got through that. Your dad will have loved you whatever. Don’t beat yourself up about periods of ‘crapness’.
Get through this period just literally one day at a time. If you feel you are in trouble please don’t even hesitate to call Samaritans or go to your a and e and ask for mental health team. It’s what they are there for and what they are good at - helping people through real hard times.
This thread has been really great. Use us also. I am 6 months from the death of my ma who was also my best and closest friend. It’s been really tough and I can feel I am changed but it is ok and becomes manageable. Hugs.

daintytoes (lovely name - makes me feel clumsy!). I am so so sorry for you losing your dad and for how you are now feeling. It all makes sense and you sound really lovely and thoughtful.

Please know that what you are feeling is ok. You will still be in shock (I was for many weeks after my ma died).
I too had periods of being really difficult for both my parents (both are now dead - I can just about say it). Sounds to me as if you got through that. Your dad will have loved you whatever. Don’t beat yourself up about periods of ‘crapness’.
Get through this period just literally one day at a time. If you feel you are in trouble please don’t even hesitate to call Samaritans or go to your a and e and ask for mental health team. It’s what they are there for and what they are good at - helping people through real hard times.
This thread has been really great. Use us also. I am 6 months from the death of my ma who was also my best and closest friend. It’s been really tough and I can feel I am changed but it is ok and becomes manageable. Hugs.

Thank you heron

I have such a mixture of emotions at the moment and finding it all so hard to deal with.

Dad was such a gentle soul. He absolutely loved nature, plants, flowers, all animals. He never hurt a fly. He went about his life in a quiet way and had a set routine. When his wife left (can't say the M word as I am estranged from her) he was a broken man. I've looked at photos of that period in his life and he does look absolutely broken in them, trying to smile for the camera but his unhappiness shines through. He managed to bring himself out of it financially and get himself back on his feet, then used his money to pursue his passions. And he was so passionate and proud of it.

He told me when he was in hospital that he was proud of me and my sister for where we have got to in life, and I'm so grateful he got to tell me. He was in hospital for a month and my sister and I visited him every day, and again I'm so grateful for that time. I'd sit with him for hours just listening to all his stories, and I've never felt closer. I really thought it was the beginning of a closer relationship. I always took my lead from him, as to how often I seen him. He loved his own company and loving his daily and weekly routine in his own way. It was hurtful at times but I tried to respect it. So to have that month of being with him daily is something I'll cherish.

He had a hernia for a year before taking action. He didn't tell family and he didn't go to see his GP. (Found out he'd mentioned it to colleagues and friends). My sister and I are both nurses but he kept it from us. He thought it would just go away, and because it didn't cause pain or discomfort he didn't act. In February I visited and found him in agony, pale, weak voice, unable to stand unaided. We got him to hospital and found out about the hernia and that it had perforated and caused sepsis, and a lung clot. He had emergency surgery in the middle of the night with stoma formation and had a filter put in to prevent the clot from moving. He made a very quick and miraculous recovery. He amazed his doctors and also us. He fought off the sepsis and had clot filter removed, and was on blood thinners. He got out of hospital after a month. He dealt with his stoma amazingly which surprised everyone. I've often seen patients who cannot accept their stoma but he got on with it. While in hospital his oxygen levels kept falling then rising, blood pressure was always very low and his pulse would elevate for short periods. The staff felt it was the lung clot causing this but didn't give further scans as they already knew the clot was there.

Once home he got stronger, started to put weight back on and was getting out and about again, waiting for his referrals to respiratory and cardiology. Then 7 weeks after being discharged he passed away my sister and I chose not to have a post mortem as we couldn't bear for him to go through it, and because he was so private we felt it would be the ultimate invasion of his privacy. So the official cause has been put down as pulmonary embolism. We'll never know if this was the cause.

I'm really struggling with the thought of him being alone at the end, and also because I'll never know how long he was there for I know it won't change things. It did appear that he was on his way out somewhere though as he had on his jacket and shoes, and it looks as though he'd just emptied his stoma. We found him just outside the bathroom sitting in the stairs, but he looked peaceful.

I go back to work tomorrow as I have no option. I was off on long term sick leave and only back for about 6 weeks when dad passed. I've used my special leave and have been on unpaid leave too. I'm starting a new job in the summer and because I'd taken more than the allocated annual leave for the time period, in current job, I can't take more. In fact I actually owe them leave back (will be docked from wages on final pay). I don't want to have to deal with my teenager, she's quite difficult as she's "at that age" and I just can't be bothered. My husband was with me when I found dad and I think he's quite traumatised as well as grieving, so every time I cry he starts wailing too. I know that sounds so selfish but I just don't have any energy to think about anyone else right now.

My dad wasn't ready to go. He'd said in hospital that he was silly for not getting his hernia seen, and got upset when he said that it could have killed him.

Feel numb today

Oh daintytoes - that must have been so hard for you, finding him. I am so sorry. He sounds like a lovely man - much like my dad in many ways (including the stubbornness in refusing to get a hernia seen to - mine did exactly that as well!). These early days are horribly bleak, but keep talking, ramble away in here if it helps. Thinking of you

spider he was a lovely man.

I still feel a mixture of emotions. A lot of guilt tbh. I know feeling guilty won't change anything but I can't help it. I wish we'd had a more traditional relationship, one where we saw each other regularly. I live only a 10 minute drive from his home but we didn't see each other as much as we should have. Like I said I took my lead from him but I was guilty of putting other things before visits too. He absolutely loved old movies and the Hollywood musicals. I liked watching them with him as a child, but hated them as a teenager. I'd give anything to be able to sit with him watching one now. I remember as a teenager hearing the tv blaring with the music late at night and going next door shouting at him to turn it down. He absolutely loved them. He also liked James Bond. One of the films was on this afternoon and it made me so sad thinking of him watching it and enjoying it. I've had what someone on this thread called a "grief nap". I've been having a lot of them, I'm just so exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I just want him to come back I want him back more than anything. He was only 67 but still working. He chose to work on and was so so bored being off on sick leave. I'd give anything and everything to have him back. I can't accept he's gone, even though the funeral was on Friday. I keep expecting to find this has all been a mistake. I loved him so very much and wish I showed him more. I don't care that he didn't show me, but I wish I showed him more. I always took my lead from him. He used to come to visit but sit falling asleep, and would stay for hours and hours. It would be a running joke how long he would stay for, really late in to the evening even though I had to be up for work next day. I wish more than anything I could have him back sitting in his usual spot talking late in to the evening, no matter the time.

I can't accept any of this has happened

Hugs and from me too Amproperlyln and Daintytoes

Amproperlyn I hope the funeral went ok and you were able to give your Mum a lovely send off. I’m glad you have the one brother and your DH and in-laws to support you.

Dainty your Dad sounds like a wonderful man, I’m so sorry you lost him just as you thought he was getting better. My Mum has sepsis too and had a similar operation to your Dad, she never came out of hospital but the roller coaster of the weeks she was in there was bad enough as it did seem like she was getting better at one point. I’m sure your Dad knew how much you loved him, I don’t even know you and I can feel it just from what you’ve written.

I agree with one day at a time but please do seek external help if you’re feeling really bleak.

I’ve just found out my work offers bereavement counselling through their EAP, it might be worth checking if yours does. I’m going to contact them as I’m not coping with work at all at the moment, I can’t concentrate or cope with any kind of stress or pressure, my brain just shuts down as soon as it’s asked to deal with anything difficult.

Hi ann thanks for replying.

Yes bleak is an accurate description of how I'm feeling tbh. I have a physical pain in my chest and feel like my emotions have been smashed to pieces

My work does offer a bereavement counselling service however I'm under the care of a psychologist for anxiety, depression and ptsd. I don't think you're meant to have 2 therapies going at the same time but I'll give them a call to find out. I'm almost scared to speak to someone though as I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together. I know it'll be good for me to let it all go and get it out, but I just don't know if I'll be able to stop crying since the funeral on Friday I haven't been having big sobbing cries, more quiet-tear-sliding-down-face cries each day.

Tonight was difficult. My dad was a real animal lover and my dsis has inherited dads cat. I've inherited about 15 fish and a huge tank. My husband and BIL brought the tank and fish over this evening and I can't bear to look at it. His new tank was his absolute pride and joy and I just found it unbearable double whammy though is that the tank is now in place of my beloved rabbit's cage. Bunny passed away one week before dad (grand age of 10) and I couldn't bear to move his cage yet (indoor bunny). Then after dad passed away, moving the cage was the last thing on my mind. So it was like a punch to the stomach finally moving the cage and bringing in the tank.

I honestly cannot see a time when I'll be the person I was a few weeks ago. This time 2 weeks ago I was living my worst nightmare. I don't know how to get over this.

Dainty I’d definitely start by speaking to your psychologist and see what they advise regarding other therapies/counselling or if they can incorporate this into their treatment plan with you. Please don’t struggle on alone though

That is so sad about your bunny and I can really empathise with how you feel about the tank, I haven’t inherited any living creatures but I’ve got stuff of my Mum’s all boxed up in my spare room that I can’t bear to sort out or unpack. Hopefully your Dad’s fish will bring you some comfort and help you feel him close to you in the future when your grief is less raw.

It’s the first anniversary of Mum’s death this weekend, and I still don’t feel like it’s hit me yet. I haven’t cried for months. I think about her every day, and some days she’s constantly in my thoughts, but mostly everything just feels flat, and like it hasn’t really happened. I’m worried it’s going to hit me when I least expect it, and I’m going to fall apart.

Thank you annu , you are very kind. I have my next psychology appointment on Saturday. I emailed her at the beginning of the week to let her know what happened, and that I likely won't be able to engage with the session properly and that the appt probably won't be used as intended. But she has encouraged me to still go along, so I will. I'll discuss with her about the bereavement telephone service, although it's good knowing I have that as a back up when needed.

I've been able to sit with the fish tank today and have even picked a favourite fish! A black boggly eyed one. My dh is quite excited to add to the collection. I do think I'll find some comfort from them.

Still can't believe he's gone. Have found myself fighting back lots of tears today. Perhaps I should just let them flow? Heads a mess, can't even decide whether to cry or not.

My dsis and I haven't even contemplated dads house yet or sorting through things. Can't even think about it. I moved in to that house when I was 4 years old. The thought of having dads things packed into boxes breaks my heart he was very very sentimental and it appears that he kept absolutely everything. I had a quick rummage through some drawers when looking for a funeral plan in the first days, and became quite overwhelmed even by that and by how much he has kept. Found a letter I wrote him when I was 10 (covered in kisses and "I love yous")

I know this is impossible but I just want to know what I can do or trade to get him back. I'd do anything, give anything, sell everything. I know I'm being silly but somewhere in me a tiny bit of hope thinks he may come back if I wish for it hard enough. I don't want to accept this is my life now.

Thinking of you kern

Thank you dainty

I would let the tears flow if you can. It's exhausting, all of it, and a good cry is excellent stress relief!

Oh god have had some bad news this evening. Mil may have bowel cancer

She has polycystic kidney disease and has been having dialysis for a few years. Twice potential transplants have fallen through at the last minute due to deterioration of the donor kidney. She finally allowed my Fil to be tested as a potential donor, and amazingly he is a great match. He's been through all of the ethical and psychological screening and transplant has been planned for 2-3 months.

Dh has come home this evening and it's hard to get much sense from him tbh. But he did say that routine testing for his mum came back as suspicious and a scan has shown a growth in her colon. She's due more investigations however, according to dh, she's more or less been told to prepare for a cancer diagnosis.

I've told dh to try put this to the back of his mind as much as he can until definitive results are back however it's not seeming great. The fact she's on dialysis doesn't give a good outcome.

Mil is a genuinely lovely person, so gentle natured and always happy. Even throughout her kidney disease I've only ever seen her struggle once.

Please keep her in your thoughts. I hope and pray it isn't what we suspect as I know her chances are very slim if diagnosed poor dh is a mess, an absolute mess.

for everyone on this thread. Thank you lin for keeping them going.

This week marks my and DD2’s fourth birthdays without my darling Dad and I am struggling as usual. Family celebrations are hard especially seeing my DM still so deep in her grief.

Can I ask you all a question? Ever since my mum died (2 months ago today) I have this dread that my other loved ones and myself will die too. Last week my husband was away abroad for work, and I had thoughts of his plane crashing, the hire car being driven into the water on the bridge on the way to the airport. I had myself in an almost-frenzy when I thought: "what will happen if I die in my sleep and my 4-year-old son is left to his own devices until his dad gets home, he doesn't know how my phone works, he can't get out of the house, because of the locks." It was awful. Thankfully it wasn't all the time, but it came in waves. Does anyone recognise this? I'm due an appointment with my MH practitioner, but I'm normally not a really anxious person.

Dainty I am so very sorry to hear about your MIL, I’ll keep her and all of you in my thoughts and hope it isn’t as bad as you think
I’m glad you’re ok with the fish tank and have got your black boggly eyed favourite, I hope he brings you some comfort. Clearing out my Mum’s house was awful and I’d never even lived there myself. I outsourced most of it to a house clearance company as I’m not local, but still feel bad/guilty about all her stuff I had to just abandon

Thinking of you Kern and Hearts I’m only a couple of months in so haven’t had to handle the anniversaries yet. I’ve been through Mother’s Day and Easter but it was all still so immediate then it didn’t really hit me.

Foxy I don’t have those feelings but I don’t have kids. I actually have the opposite and feel like it wouldn’t really matter if I wasn’t here. I am absolutely not suicidal but the thought of dying in my sleep or other painfree/non-distressing way doesn’t bother me. I think speaking to your MH practioner is a good idea. I’ve been to the doctors and have got beta-blockers for anxiety as I wasn’t coping with work at all. He offered counselling but I’m going to try the one my employer offers first, just need to pluck up the courage to make the call as I hate talking about emotions especially with strangers.