Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

I feel so low and overwhelmed. I am running on empty and can’t cope. The Drs told us last month that dad had a few weeks left. Those are up and he is still with us. I should feel grateful but I don’t. I cannot bear witnessing his suffering and his decline to the inevitable. I’m at work wondering why the hell im there (but have no choice), then I’m driving 3 hours a day to sit with him and support mum. Then back home to DH to try and give our DD who is 9 some modicum of normality. I feel like I am about to physically and/or mentally collapse. My heart is so heavy. I’ve never felt so exhausted but know I will dig deep and carry on. There’s no other option.

oh Nankles, I feel for you. The waiting was worse than afterwards, for me. Do you have to go to the hospice every day? Is that fear that you will miss something? My dad waited till he was alone to slip away anyway.

I totally get that too. Luckily we were very close to mum but it is so exhausting, mentally and physically.

Mum also waited to be alone. It's such a stressful time for you. Thinking of you x

I do fear something happening when I’m not able to get there. I also just want to be with him as much as possible. The visits are hard - I’m not sure he knows me and mum are there really. But I like talking to him and holding his hand because I know one day soon I won’t be able to do that. I would understand him waiting to slip away as you say Grace & Lepetitpiggy. He was always one to think of others before himself. Thank you for your thoughts, they are much appreciated and I hope you are coping okay x

@Nankles

I actually said goodbye to dad weeks before he went - that was helpful, though in the last 3 days I got a sense of what was coming and went every day. Still, he slipped away in the middle of the night....lucky mum and I didn't split into day and night shifts, which I nearly suggested, but I heard a lot about people wanting to be alone when they go.

I hope you get some rest this evening

nankles I feel for you, the waiting is horrible, I was on tenterhooks all the time and every time my phone went I had a panic. (I had to change my ringtone after dad had gone as it stressed me out so much)
I totally understand the wanting to be with him, nothing would have stopped me sitting with dad. No answers I'm afraid, just look after yourself, and do what you feel you need to do

Nankles the waiting truly is horrible - it's the worst kind of limbo. You sound utterly exhausted, bless you.

Nankles - everything you say resonates with me. And I can really offer no words of advice bar to say that I truly believe that you won't be given any more to cope with than you feasibly can. You will cope because you have to and you will battle through it. Just keep at the back of your mind that your time to properly rest will come - just not yet

I found the 'waiting' incredibly difficult as you'll see if you read my first message on this thread. I couldn't stand it almost and I was very very panicked about how I'd possibly be able to go on afterwards.

I'm a week in and I actually have no idea how I'm doing. Ok maybe? I've no idea. I sleep ok, I get up ok, my house is still nice and clean and tidy and cleaning it makes me feel calm (I appreciate I'm a saddo). I have a long bath each night and read my kindle and do all my usual pampering stuff and I try and take each hour and day as it comes. I try not to look into the future - I think I have accepted that it's a future without my mum in it. I don't know if this is easier for me to accept because we had such a good relationship and we had 47 years - so I'm not feeling like a motherless child, if that makes sense. I was having to sort her out a fair bit in later years due to her various illnesses etc so I wasn't using my mum as a confidant for example.

I do have a bit of a cry each day but it passes relatively quickly. I do think about it more or less all the time - it's always there. I'm able to do my usual for my kids though

So I don't know if this is normal? I don't know if I'll suddenly collapse in a heap? Or will I just go on and gradually the every day thinking about it all will diminish? The funeral is a week Friday. Again, I feel ok when I think of this. And then I worry if I'm 'numb' or 'in shock' but I don't particularly feel either things.

Who knows.

Thanks to everyone for your kind messages to me and love to everyone in this awful situation

I feel mostly the same as you MegaBat, if that's any consolation. I'm able to get on with day to day life (cleaning also calls and distracts me ) but mum's absence is always at the front of my mind. I do find random emotional things on TV, not necessarily sad but just something touching, is making me cry now so I feel like an awful lot of grief is just under the surface waiting to break forth.

Hugs to everyone, it's all so truly awful.

megabat sounds like you're doing well. I too feel calm when I have a clean house, cleaning and tidying is like a therapy for me (I get it from my dad, he loved cleaning!) sounds as though you are being kind to yourself with the bath and kindle.
I was the same, had a daily cry, which became less and less. Even now some days something will come in my mind and bring a tear to my eye, but mostly I can think of my dad with fondness and a smile.
I was actually dreading the funeral but it was fine.....keep on keeping on🌷

Thank you everyone for your support and sharing your experiences. Your kind words make me feel less frantic and reassure me that I won’t forever feel this way. I feel a bit stronger today today and hope that you all too have had a manageable day today.

Megabat - I’ve been wondering how you are. I imagine each hour/day since last Wednesday has been surreal to navigate. I did laugh at your saddo comment as I’m the same. Tidying the house offers me a degree of control and order when I feel I have none at the moment. Take care and wishing you strength.

Thanks again everyone and sending love to you all.

Glad to hear you're feeling just a bit stronger today @Nankles - it'll ebb and flow I should think for quite a while. I know just how utterly exhausted you must feel and just how relentless it all feels right now

MegaBat you sound like you are coping the same as I did. I'm a month 'ahead' of you and I still think of my dad everyday, but can do so with a smile and a heart full of gratitude for all the times we shared. I do still have a short crying breakdown randomly, but it's every other day or so now, and I can go about my day afterwards, and function normally. I found that the funeral really helped in terms of acceptance. My dad was 78 and lived a full and interesting life, loved and was loved, and that is a great comfort to me. Like you I feel grateful that I had him all this time (I'm 41). I know you said your mum was younger than my dad was, but to have your mum until you are 47 is so wonderful, and I hope you keep feeling that sense of privilege x

Nankles I have no words that would comfort you at this time, but sending you love and strength. My dad was in intensive care for almost 3 weeks before he died, and that feeling of worrying that you won't be there in time, and dreading a phone call in the middle of the night is something that I remember only too well x

My father in law died today after suffering a brain tumour for five months. I know he's not my parent but I'm struggling on my own behalf - my own father is pretty crap so there was part of me that valued him as a surrogate dad - but also because my husband said tonight that he was feeling alone without him. How devastating is that?

I feel in some ways I shouldn't make it about me by grieving myself but on the other hand I've lost someone who's been a significant part of my life for nearly three decades.

My mum died yesterday, she was 79 years old. She wasn’t unwell but just passed away in her sleep in her own bed. I know that’s peaceful but it hurts so much. I think I’m in a state of shock. My dad died when I was 6 (34 years ago) and I’m an only child so it’s always been just me and her. I’ve been up most of the night half crying half worrying about everything to do. It was supposed to be a big birthday year this year. I’m 40 soon, my partner is 50 and her 80th. Just keep thinking it’s a bad dream.

@minicat79 poor you. We know how you're feeling.

Right now it's enormous so just feel what you feel and know it's normal. Don't put any pressure on yourself for now and make sure you eat and drink enough to keep strength up

What a horrible shock for you

I will post a longer message later (got to do that getting up and going to work thing!) but just wanted to send thoughts to everyone. It's so hard isn't it..

minicat79 What an awful shock. Just take things an hour (or minute) at a time for now. Can your partner take on some of the practicalities? x

Tixywixy So sorry about your FiL. Of course you are entitled to grieve for him. I understand what your husband means about feeling alone. Although I have a wonderful family, when my dad died (my mum had already died many years ago), I just felt like a big part of my security and foundation had gone and it was a very lonely feeling. However this has passed to some degree. It’ll be hard for you supporting your husband when you are grieving yourself, so look after yourself too x

minicat I am so sorry. My ma died unexpectedly too before Christmas. She was a little older than your mum but no illness and so it came out of the blue. She died the day before a big birthday of mine and I wonder how I will feel about my birthday for some years.
There is so much support here for you. Take it one day at a time and feel exactly the way you feel - no rights or wrongs about your feelings going through this.
Hugs

And hugs to all others posting here. I’ve been struggling a bit as things are starting to sink in emotionally.

Oh minicat - what an awful, awful shock. I'm so sorry. You must be absolutely reeling.

Thank you so much everyone. Me and my partner have been to her flat today and it was so painful. Just expecting to see her there. Worst thing ever. We’ve also been to the funeral director and I just sat there thinking “I can’t believe this is happening”. At the moment I’m worried I’m going to cry every day for the rest of my life.

I’m also struggling to cope with the fact that there has to be a post mortem. I understand why but it just seems so traumatic. I need to know why she died though. Feeling so guilty as we were supposed to visit her on Sunday but rearranged as my 8yo DS was sick. We were supposed to be going over this weekend. My 10yo DS is really upset tonight and keeps saying he wished we had visited more. It hurts so much.

Minicat I am sorry. Because my ma died unexpectedly there was a post mortem then also an inquest (further investigation because they couldn’t determine cause of death). In the end they had to say ‘old age’ which they are not supposed to do but in my mas case that was it - no illness, no event m, just loved her full term.
No matter what it will be comforting to have a cause of death I am sure. Sorry for what you are going through. It is really tough. You will get through it. Hugs.

Lived not ‘loved’ but she did love us throughout her life too.