Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

I too have slept better than ever since my ma died. Think may simply be my brain protecting me. Wake exhausted though and always thinking there is some event I have to organise and have forgotten (funeral and memorial both taken place but clearly my brain hasn’t caught up).
Euphoric moments too - been actually singing m/humming quite jauntily from time to time thinking ‘good god x, show some respect !’ It’s all really odd. I’m trying to just let it all happen without minding too much.
Hugs all.

The thing I had sort of forgotten was cards and flowers and suchlike. I have had more flowers delivered these past few days than ever in my life

Its lovely but odd. I cant help thinking how much she loved flowers.

Hope everyone is as ok as they can be - thinking of you all

My mum is worsening now. I'm at the hospital a lot and just exhausted. I'm still panicking about how I might never be normal again

megabit sending you strength (I have a little). Be brave. It’s an honour and privilege to donwhat you are doing for your mum. Be strong. It will be hard but it will be ok. Your normal will be different for as long as it takes. You will still be you. for you and your mum and all your loved ones.

megabit when sitting with my dad I sort of felt numb, I knew I was waiting for him to die but it was abit surreal.
You will feel normal again, but a different kind of normal. I laugh now and have a happy life, but my dads not in it. That took me a good year to come to terms with and even now it sometimes takes me by surprise.
I think about how my dad must have felt when his dad died and how it's the circle of life. And as mummylin said, it only hurts so much because we loved them so much💓

Oh Megabat, it's so hard isn't it? I spent every day last week sitting with mum a d just waiting. It's very painful and frightening, but keep talking to her. My mum didn't respond at all but I just needed to tell her we were all ok and happy and she'd done a good job. Thinking of you xx

Thinking of you Megabat. My mother was bedridden for the last year and became weaker and weaker. There would be many times when I thought she had stopped breathing and I would then have confirmation that she was alive by a little breath. It was very sad to see her diminish when she had been such a full of life character. She is now at peace. Today is difficult as it is the one-week anniversary. What a difference a week makes. Megabat, kiss your mother as much as you can - I miss being able to kiss my mother.

MegaBat - everything you write sums up my feelings. All I want to do is hug Dad tight and tell him I’m not ready for this. Please don’t go. Instead I hold his hand and tell him how much I love him - I hope he can hear me.

Hello all. Haven’t posted for a few weeks but have been following.
Am so sorry things are so difficult for so many of you
I lost my DM 12 weeks ago. I am really struggling. She died after a short illness. My elderly dad is now on his own.my siblings have sadly decided to freeze me out and now do not contact me and every weekend is now taken up with them visiting my dad and keeping in his good books. They seem to liaise with each other but not me. We all live away. I get left with inconvenient days to visit( I can’t bear to be there when they are because of their behaviour in the past and things they have done, I had very little contact)
Am just so very sad and feel “stuck”, friends have stopped ringing and asking, life goes on. am not sleeping and am dragging myself through the main jobs that need doing daily as well as dealing with my dad, mainly by phone now.
My mum was my support and I hers. She was dads main career and worked hard despite being tired herself, to look after him. She despaired of my siblings and would often tell me as I saw her the most. I feel now she’s gone, they can behave and say and do what they want, she would have hated that.
I am scared this is how it’s always going to be, everything just feels so grey.
Am sorry to moan, I know a lot of you are in the same unwanted club of trying to struggle on.
Big hugs to all

Oh that's sounds horrible. I'm so sorry. Life has a wierd way of continuing even when you think not should just calm down and realise that the most momentous thing had happened.
Are you friends worried about what to say? I know people are a bit odd around death.

Thinking of you, and I think a lot of us know what it is to have quote frankly, unpleasant siblings.

Thank you Lepetit. Am so sorry for your loss too. I too said thank you to my mum before she passed. It helps me as it should you.
Yes I think people don’t talk about death and avoiding someone is simply easier.
I look at all my friends and think how lucky they are to have the siblings they have to support them, at least I am not the only one then!
Thinking of you too, I remember those first few weeks clearly, look after yourself.

I am not sure if this is the right place to put this...

my dad died 3 months ago. It has been grim. My mother is elderly, not in good health, and utterly devastated.

Until now, we have kind of been at a similar stage of grief. Last week we had a ceremony with his ashes, and I'm starting to move on. I know of course that mum wants me to move on and in many ways I am bound to move on differently than her.

but I feel guilty about it. I had been spending most of my time with her - she lives about 90 mins away so not an easy journey to do.

now I'm in a weird position where I find that I'm ready to move on, but being around her is holding me back a bit? And she is not asking me to spend a lot of time there, but I feel I have to because she would be so horribly lonely if I didn't. Many of their friends were older and died in previous years. She does have neighbours pop in but it's not the same.

at one point I thought about moving in there but now not sure. She needs space for her own grief as well.

I'm sorry, I just needed a sounding board. At the same time. I know I have to lose her too, and it is a very scary thought.

Megabat "My mum is worsening now. I'm at the hospital a lot and just exhausted. I'm still panicking about how I might never be normal again"

I feel for you

catching up generally as I haven't posted for a while so love to all xx

I’m so sorry Usethedoor, for the loss of your dear mum and for the added stress of dealing with your siblings in the wake of your grief. You must feel so hurt in so many ways. It’s easier said than done I know - you are dealing with so much - but try and focus on the wellbeing of yourself and your dad. Thinking of you.

Grace - my heart goes out to you. My DM lives 3 hours away from us. Dad is fading away each day in their local hospital - she is strong but utterly devastated. I’m with her as many days as possible each week but know I can’t make her grief any lighter. Nor can she do similar with mine. We all process this timeline of feeling bereft in different ways and at different stages.

I feel so torn sometimes. In one way I'm glad my mum is no longer sick and suffering (she had an autoimmune lung condition which basically caused COPD for most of her life, though it was really only the last year she was badly struggling with it), on the other I wish she was still here - there's so much I want to show her and do with her and talk to her about. It's hard to know what to feel.

To all the new posters, I'm so sorry you're here. Take comfort in this thread, it's so helpful.

CherryBlossom, this is me at the moment. Although we knew she was unhappy before the stroke and had really had enough of life - she was in pain and generally very depressed, I still want her to be here, so I can moan about her coming over on Sundays and worry about her being ok, and laugh at her with the unintentionally funny stuff she would say and phone her when the kids get their school reports and pop in before my haircut which was down the road and everything else. Its just hit me.

We sorted the funeral yesterday and cousin 2 will let sister know and let me know if sister intends to make an appearance!
I finally succumbed to the doctors and have a short course of diazepam to calm me down a little!
I am now struggling to find some of her old friends to tell, as her phone number system was -er- interesting!

I hope everyone is managing through this dreadful time

Thank you Nankles, I am trying to be kind to myself!
Grace212 I could have written your message as that is how I feel too! My dad is lonely but I cannot keep going to him as its not helping me but then I feel selfish for not going.
You need to carry on with your own work, family friends etc, as that is what makes up parts of your life too. I understand what you mean about feeling held back.
I felt guilty about my dad and how lonely he was, initially, almost a few weeks after mum passed, I organised a local volunteer to visit weekly for a cuppa. It seems to help him. Is there anything your mum could do or join that's similar??
lepetit am glad you sorted the funeral, that's a big job done.

Keep strong everyone, big hug to you all.

Hello all and thank you for your kind support which means a lot. Love to all those going through this

My mum sadly died on Wednesday afternoon. I was alone with her and it was just us two so im very thankful that this was the case. I really really needed to ensure that it was peaceful and pain free etc and I'm glad this was the case. I'm a terrible control freak so I'd already spent all week fussing over her and making sure everything was as perfect and as comfortable and as 'nice' as it could be. Put it this way - I'm almost certain she was the only patient in there with a cashmere throw arranged over her and a silk pillow case and a regular application of la mer face serum

I feel ok. I am almost thinking that the past few weeks have been 'anticipatory grief' so right now I'm just being as kind as possible to myself and letting myself feel exactly what I want to. I felt weepy and err 'fragile' when I woke up yesterday and I felt alright when I woke up this morning. I'm trying not to panic about what I may or may not feel in an hours time, or tomorrow or whatever. As I've said before, this was a fear of mine, that I'd just be howling in a corner unable to sort my youngest out for school or do the food shopping or even move an inch.

Thoughts to everyone right now

I am so so sorry. What a lovely end though. The anticipatory grief is a help in these first days. Like me, you know you did and said everything you could and you made it as lovely as possible. Lots of love and thoughts.

MegaBat so sorry your mum has now gone, I get what you mean about 'anticipatory' loss. I absolutely dreaded the thought of my dad dying, didn't know how I would cope etc, but when it happened I felt a sort of inner strength. I felt privaliged to have been able to hold his hand as he left this world and pleased that he was no longer suffering.
Of course I was also devastated and cried buckets and still wish he was here with me, but I was calmer than I thought I would be.
Take each day as it comes, don't be afraid to cry. Your mum will always be in your heart
And I love the thought of the cashmere throw and very posh face serum😊

So sorry that your mum has gone, Megabat, but I'm very glad you were with her and that it was just the two of you. I was lucky enough to have the same privilege with my dad and as you say, you will know now for sure that it was a peaceful passing. Be very gentle with yourself over the coming days and weeks. Thinking of you

I’m so sorry to hear your news @Megabat. You gave your dear mum an incredibly loving and dignified passing. I truly admire your strength. My thoughts are with you.

@MegaBat

I'm sorry. I did the anticipatory grief thing with my dad, so I found I was better after he passed, to some degree...not entirely.

@Usethedoor - I'm spending about 3 nights a week with mum, she probably has a friend in for a cup of tea once or twice a week. I think that's probably as good as it gets but the weight of her sadness is immense. I am probably hugely unrealistic about how I can mitigate it.

Wobbling today. DS has just had a fab sporting achievement and we'd normally have gone straight to show my dad the medal - he was so immensely proud of him and excited by everything he achieved. I so desperately want to tell him :(

aah spiderlight I feel for you, my dad took such an interest in the DC achievements. My son played in a big tournament in the summer at a famous ground and my dad would have loved to have been there. DS put his medal next to his grandads photo
I know I will be in pieces when DD gets married next year as dad should be there