Support For Anyone Who Loses A Parent

[Mummylin]

We offer a shoulder and compassion for those that need it.

Thankyou, it's just such a never ending feeling of sadness. I think at first it was a relief that he was no longer suffering but now it's just a feeling of disbelief that's he's gone ♥️

Jools and Ineed - Your words echo my feelings and thoughts so much right now. I lost my darling dad at the start of October last year and I’m so, so sad that he isn’t here with his family who he loved and who adored him. Life simply isn’t the same anymore and the sadness seems to be getting worse. My lovely mum is a shadow of her former self and it breaks my heart to see her living on her own, not eating properly because she cannot be bothered to cook for one and she is simply existing now.....not really living. I feel so guilty that she is like this but I have three disabled DCs and my life is so stressful but it doesn’t stop feeling that I should make it better for my DM.
I’m reliving those awful days last summer, every day I am thinking back to what the day last year was like and all the time I’m dreading the first anniversary so much. My dear DH tells me that he feels the same and misses my DF (his FIL) too but I just get cross and tell him that he cannot possibly know how I feel as he still has his dad. I don’t feel good about myself as I know he means well but my grief is raw still and I hurt inside so much. I cannot believe that I will never see him again in this lifetime.
Jools, I was also wondering if the 2nd Christmas would be worse? It just has that feeling. 😢
My heart goes out to you all as we each feel the pain and sorrow of losing a dear parent, it’s truly horrible.

retreat the worry of my mum is causing me stress. I promised my dad I would look after her as it's all he worried about. im lucky that my DC are grown up so I can visit her when I'm not working. But it's so sad to see her alone in the house they shared and also not cooking meals. She has let the garden turn into a jungle which breaks my heart as it was dads pride and joy.
You are right when you say life isn't the same anymore. I never ever thought losing a parent would affect me so much.
And I'm quite happy to ignore Xmas!

Oh Jools, your poor mum sounds just like mine. Their whole lives have been turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same for them or us. My mum’s house and garden have all fallen into decline sadly and I’m restricted with what I can do due to my own health problems. But I phone her often, see her as much as possible and do internet food shopping for her to help where I can. It’s lovely that you pop in to see her, I’m sure she appreciates spending time with you. It’s my DM’s birthday soon and she isn’t even interested in celebrating it which is so sad as she’s such a wonderful mum and nanny and deserves a special day but I can understand her feelings. I was exactly the same when it was my birthday earlier this year. I’m also aware that each day brings us closer to the first anniversary and it’s awful to realise that soon I will not have seen my darling dad for a whole year. I look at his photo and my heart breaks, he didn’t deserve to suffer and should have had more years with us all. I think it’s also affected my mum’s own feelings of mortality which then makes me feel insecure at the prospect of losing her. Caring for my three disabled DCs is mentally and physically exhausting but the grief for my dad seeps into every part of our hectic, stressful lives. I miss talking to him, we shared a lovely sense of humour which was like a tonic to us both. Oh Dad, I will love you forever and miss you for always. 💔💔💔

oh retreat that could be me writing your post! Although I am close to my mum, dad and I were kindred spirits, we just 'got' each other. He phoned and txt me at every opportunity, sharing all his thoughts, sometimes more than i needed to hear I just miss him more as time goes on and i don't know what to do really.
It must be so so hard for you with 3 disabled DC, my heart goes out to you.
I'm dreading the year anniversary. Not sure what mum will want to do but I just want to curl up and let the day go by.
for us.

It's one of those sad days today. Today's my birthday and I'm remembering a year ago was the last time that I saw my dad. We had takeaway and said goodbye to him. I just remember the way he said it, almost as if he knew it was the last time.
It's the little thoughts and memories that stop you in your tracks sometimes.

maggie I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope your birthday wasn't too painful.
We have just had the year anniversary of my dad dying. I was ok, then I decided to play some of his favourite songs and cried buckets. Mum was tearful all day. I took her out for lunch and we bought some flowers for dad. Not a day for celebrating but so so many bad memories kept popping into my head of his last day I'm glad the day has been and gone.

It's seems many of us feel that we are feeling worse as time goes on and not better. :( I know it's a long road to climb but I ended up crying at work today and that's a first for me and I'm 5 months since I lost my mum. Nearly 18 years since my Dad. So many milestones passed and the urge to pick up the phone to speak to her is getting more frequent. Met up with family for her birthday and it was a good day. Her flat is about to be sold and whilst I don't have an emotional attachment to it, it's just another thing that takes her further away.

Sorry for everyone who is stuggling.

waxon

Hello everyone, not forgotten this thread but have a lot going on at the moment. I am so sorry to,all the new posters, this is such an unhappy path to tread. Hopefully you can all find some comfort in this thread. Just remember, one day at a time 💐
jools thanks

Since I lost my mum nearly seven years have now passed. I remember ever minute of that awful day and can never forget. Until that day I had no idea that my life was going to become a different life.
I have found that the things I used to enjoy, I now couldn't care less about, things that I used to find amusing, are no longer so. Life is really muted down now. If I hear a certain song, it instantly takes me to thoughts of my mum. I envy the people who have their mums. If I could just have one more day .......

I'm glad i found this thread, i lost my mum yesterday, we weren't as close as we could have been but I really wish we were. I don't see her on a daily basis so it's going to take a while to process this

Hello Ginger I am sorry that you have need of us here. It's a horrible time for you and I would think you can hardly believe it. Do you have RL support from family and friends ? This can be invaluable. You will probably have mixed emotions over the coming days and months. Some little incident can be very upsetting when you are grieving. There will always be someone here you can chat when you feel the need, we all understand only too well. For now, take each day as it comes and that will help, it's not good to look too far forward, you have enough to cope with right now. If we can help with anything please don't hesitate to ask us . Take care 💐

Ginger I'm sorry youve had to join us, it's such very early days for you. Take time out to process things, be kind to yourself. It's tough but there's lots of support on here from people going through the same
mummylin Sorry you are still having a hard time, I hope things are soon sorted and you can have some happier days.
You saying life is now muted is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Things I would rush to tell dad are no longer of interest. Life is certainly different, and not in a good way. I have lots I should be looking forward too but can't quite get there at the moment.
to all who are suffering.

Hi Mummylin im so pleased i found you!! Hope you are going along best you can hun big hug, xx

are any of the others still here? SSD are you still here?
so sorry for all of you on this thread, i know how hard horrendous it really is losing a parent. I miss my mum loads i always have to think of my mum with me and being right by my side. She will always be with me.

Thinking of you all

T how lovely to see you ! How are things going with you ? I don't know where ssd has gone , I don't see her around anywhere, maybe she has namechanged. But I suppose it's a good sign when people don't need this thread anymore. I haven't even on here myself so much lately as dh been poorly with two ops behind him and one coming up in Dec.
But as it always was, everyone just supports each other.
Where have you been ? did you leave MN ?
Have just had a family death unfortunately. Funeral next week. So sad for her immediate family.
The years go by so quickly don't they , seems like ages ago we were here going through this together.
Lovely to hear from you, you can always pm if you like. Take care.

Hi, I've been reading this thread a bit, and it's been helpful, but I think adding my voice might be more so.
I lost my mum at the start of the summer holidays - the whole thing was tragic. She was 61, had just semi-retired when she started feeling pain. 8 months of visits to A&E, doctors fobbing her off with paracetamol and she was finally diagnosed with terminal cancer (we suspect from a tiny skin growth that she was fobbed off about). She was in pain, pain that totally eclipsed everything, for the whole 18 months leading up to her death.
I'm angry about her experiences with the health care teams, especially as she was a health care professional herself.
I'm traumatised by her death also. She wanted to die at home, and we managed it, but it was so difficult. We were told to expect her to pass away on the Tuesday, but she hung on till the Sunday... with us watching her every breath, not sleeping. No amount of morphine seemed to take care of the pain and we practically exhausted the available supplies in the county. She kept waking up. The syringe driver failed. She was in such a state by the time she died. She didn't deserve that.
I initially thought the news settled on me gently, as we experienced the shock element when she was diagnosed. I quickly planned a holiday and just pushed through to that, where of course I practically collapsed. I'm struggling with the finality of never seeing her again.
I feel we've all been robbed. She was the most wonderful, involved, totally loved-up Nanna you could have dreamed of. My kids are left with my Dad (heartbroken but still amazing) and two useless 'ceremonial' grandparents who didn't offer a stitch of help or support. DSis is having a baby and will never meet their lovely Nanna.
I'm in that weird place where it's not sunk in - I keep thinking I must tell mum about this, must ask her what she thinks, and then I'm totally winded when I remember she's gone. I've been distracting myself by looking after Dad, but he's gone away with friends (the best thing for him) and I'm feeling bereft.
Sorry, about my ramblings, but it's helped to get it out.

Im so sorry to all of you for your loses..My mum who was my best friend past away in April,she become abit breathless so I took her to the hospital and after 5 days of tests they told me my mum had cancer..ok,i thought,we can deal with this,they then tell me my mum has around 5 days to live and will go downhill very quick..I didn't tell my mum this news straight away as she was on heavy pain killers and I had no family around me.i slept in a chair beside her bed that night,by the morning she was screaming in pain,clawing at her skin.they came and put a driver into her side with painkiller that knocked her out.that was the last time I saw her eyes opened or any communication:( they put me and mum into a big side room where i sat beside her bed,playing some old reggage,for 6 days,when she took her last breath with me holding her hand..I threw myself into the funeral and clearing mums flat.i then threw myself into painting my home,clearing rubbish etc,around 2 weeks ago I crashed,and have been unable to think beyond mum now and the guilt i didn't know she was ill,and I took her to the hospital,and i didn't get a chance to say goodbye because I was too scared to tell her straight away.my doctor wants me to do bereavement counselling,I'm not sure.i don't know how it would help me.has anyone been to one of these session pls.

@Slurpy reading your comment sounds just like what i went though..the failures of the hospital,who was continually treating my mum for chest infections,she had bloods taken every week,antibiotics all the time,robbed off all the time.when in fact she had lung and bone cancer and had days to live when they run more tests.mum never got a chance to go hme,see her much loved dogs nor get to say goodbye to me,My kids or her brothers and sisters.i done what you done and three myself into whatever I could.i was so angry about it all,felt so helpless and guilty.i know i need some sort of help its just working out what to do for the best.im so sorry you are having to go though this too.its poo isn't it:(

Hi @Ivgotthis
Yes, it's totally shit and I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm sorry that you never got the chance to say goodbye, and for you you've had the shock and the grief to deal with at the same time... I keep telling myself that at least the shock and the grief were separate over a period of time, but I'm not sure it's that much better.
We said goodbyes incrementally over the whole period, but in the last few weeks she was foisting things (jewellery, stuff) at me and I didn't accept them as I couldn't handle it. I should have done, it was obviously very important to her.
As for the anger - it's simmering in the background. I don't want it to become the overwhelming emotion in me, as that's selling my mum short. I'm trying to acknowledge that it's there, but let it go. I'm trying, anyway.
Don't feel guilt that you didn't know she was ill, how could you? I had a deep dread that mum's pain wasn't been taken seriously and was something worse, and I wished I was wrong.
As for counselling, its not something I'm ruling out right now. I'm guessing what I'm feeling is normal, but if the feelings and the time frame slip outside of what I perceive as normal, I'll go.
How are your kids coping? Mine have been generally unsettled and seem to use other (minor) things as an excuse to get really upset.

Slurpy and ivegot I am so sorry that you are both going through such a traumatic time.

Personally I think that initially , although upset there are things that we have to get through at the time, then later when we have done all that has to be done the realisation finally hits us.
The most awful feeling is when we want to pick the phone up and tell mum something. But then it dawns on us we can't do that ever again. And it really hurts. I am 7 years on and still have my mums phone number in my phone. I cannot take it off, even though I know I can never ring it.
It is incredibly hard to believe the world just goes on as normal, when we have had such a loss.
All I can say is that for me life will never be the same, but eventually you learn to accept this and learn to cope with the situation. We will never forget them and they will live on in our hearts.
I hope you both have rl support as it's badly needed.
I have known people who have benefited from seeing a bereavement counsellor and felt better for it, but also have known some who it didn't suit at all. So I would say, if you are inclined this way to give it a go. You can always stop going if it dosent agree with you. 💐💐

@slurpy I feel guilt as mum had complained about feeling ill at least once a week for afew months.i would take her to the doctors,who would send her for xrays,then give her antibiotics.mum would perk up for afew days then say she felt poo,so I would just say go to bed for afew days.i wish so much i would of pushed for more tests.our hospital is full all the time,the doctors are stretched,there was never enough time given to my mum.i want to get her hospital records but I'm thinking it isn't really going to help me.my son is 21 and my daughter is 12.they did come and sit with me and mum though the day(mum did not know any one was there)then they wld go hme arnd 5,but the last day for sone reason they wanted to stay till 9 as my son cld see i was exhasted.they were with me when mum past,and I think that helped them alot,as it was all very calm and they were there.my mum adored my kids and they adored her,so I think it helped as it was not a big shock in the end.i am sitting looking at the phone numbers for the counselling and thinking il do it tomorrow(i think that everyday)I'm exhasted and just want to sleep.sending big hugs to you and your family hun.they say it gets easier so hopfully one day we can believe that x

@mummylin the phone,i had to change phones as every time someone would message me etc,mums recent messages were there,i have put the old phone in mums memory box,where her phone etc is too.i have had a lovely lovely box made from a lovely lady on the internet.it's very personal,tall enough for mums ashes and much cheaper then the urns that were not very nice.mum is by the tv,watching her soaps.its helped me too.we have done a garden for mum in our garden with all her plants we took from her place..I still go to ring mum,i still go to send her a funny video,i still hear her ringtone sometimes even tho it isn't really there.i feel very angry,sad,guilty and exhasted so I might give the berevment counselling a little go,as you said i could just leave it if it isn't for me.thank you for your kind words,i wish we were all talking under different circumstances.xx

ivegot I also have my mums phone and one day I will look to see if there any messages on there she sent to me. Mind you of course the battery would be long gone,
I also have lots of things from mums garden, my most favourite being her rose arch and the rose that grows all round it.,
One thing I always do at birthday and Christmas , I put up an old card that mum had sent me previously. It makes me feel good to still see a card which says " daughter " I do this every year.
I think anything that gives you some sort of comfort can only be for the good. It is. Such a sad time.

@mummylin What a lovely idea regarding the card,I have kept all mine and it is my first birthday without mum next week,so I might do that too..I had to put mine and mums phones away.i was reading over and over again all the messages,seeing if i missed anything regarding her being ill,feeling shit for all the times she would ask me for lunch and I was too busy,I always made sure i saw her in the evenings but the days I cldnt spend with mum,I would just pop my head in the door in the evening to say good night(mum lived on corner of my road)mum living so close isn't good now tho as the workmen are in,chucking everything out into the garden,soon to be moving some one in,something me and my kids will have to get our heads arnd.my dad is in a UCH hospital in London fighting a rare cancer and is really suffering so this year is a bugger and I would like to sleep though the rest of it.but us mums have to put that smile on our faces and carry the day on eh!big hugs to u x