Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

Bad day for me here today. My Dsis and I took dad to see mum in the chapel of rest. I didn't want to go - I was with her when she dies, so didn't feel the need to see her, but dad is very good at the emotional blackmailing and made me feel so guilty that I agreed to go. I was also trying to take the pressure off my other Dsis, as she had not seen mum dead and was insistent that she didnt want to, but dad was pushing her to, so I thought if I agreed to go he would lay off of her a bit.
Mum did not look like mum AT ALL. It could have been a complete stranger lying there. Just her face was not right - I dont know, she just didn't look like her at all. She did look peaceful, though.

Something that I am sure I will be able to laugh about at some point, but I found quite horrific was that both DSis and I thought that they had chopped mums legs off!!! The skirt was looking as if it was just lying on the base of the coffin with no "leg shapes" underneath, IYSWIM. After Dsis and I mouthing to each other above dad's head I had to touch the skirt just to prove to myself that her legs were actually there. They were!! I mean, what was I thinking????? Why on earth would anyone want mums legs????????

My birthday tomorrow and really not sure how I feel about it. Mum had been too unwell to remember my birthday for the past few years, so I should be used to her not being able to make the fuss of me like she used to. DH and I are going away for a night in a posh hotel which I am really looking forward to. Just work to get through in the morning.

Have a peaceful weekend to you all.

It will be 2 years tomorrow since my beautiful mum my best friend died and although it has gotten so much easier and I have "moved on" I miss her so much.. I also separated from my partner of 12 years 3 days ago so all in all I'm very emotional this week. This time 2 years we were told by the nurses my mum would be fine 12 hours later she died from sepsis only 56.

Hello positive I am sorry that it wasn't a good outcome for you going to the chapel of rest . I know some people just prefer to remember their loved one as they saw them last rather than go through that, I was lucky and glad I went. But I have to say when I went to see my lovely gran, her hair was all wrong and they had put lipstick on her. Which she never wore. So I found that time upsetting.
That must of been horrible when you thought your mums legs weren't there, glad you found that they were. 💐

Hi queen what an emotional time this must be for you. It is always sad when an anniversary date comes round and with relationship problems it must be even worse for you at this time.
I hope you have someone in your group of friends / family that can give you the support you need right now, and I hope things will soon improve for you. 💐

for everyone suffering a loss.
My wonderful dad died on Tuesday, although he was ill, nobody thought he was going to go yet! It's all so numb. We did the funeral directors today and spent all day yesterday phoning banks,pension etc etc
My brother lives away and has to go home tomorrow so it will be just me and mum then. There's so much to sort, we haven't got the death certificate yet as there's a post mortem and inquest.
I miss him so so much

Hi Jools very sorry you have had to join us here. I expect you are in utter shock and sadness at the moment. It's a lot to cope with in the beginning.
You will probably be like the rest of us and have moments where you just can't believe this has happened.
I think it's the sickening feeling when you realise that a person is now gone forever and it's so painful to get through. But although it takes a while, things do get better eventually.
I hope you have RL support as this can be invaluable. Take care 💐

Today 10:21 Roman6

My Dad died unexpectedly in hospital earlier this year in March, after a successful routine operation and 1 day before his 82nd birthday and supposed 'release.' My Dad had a terror of hospitals. Having been admitted 3 days previously, looking at least 25 years younger than he was (no grey hair!!), he was stolen prematurely due to poor aftercare. Not an hour goes by when I do not beat myself up for believing I could have done something, seen the signs, been there. The whole family were spectators as the staff tried to perform 6 cycles of resuscitation to no avail. I lay on the floor sobbing, begging them to not give up on him. Unfortunately, you assume nothing will go wrong in hospitals, they've all the equipment, the trained staff....well not on Palm Sunday & with insufficient beds in the high dependency unit. The whole family is devastated and grieving in very different ways. I don't want the last 24 hours of an amazing man's life to become the overriding memory of an incredibly full & successful life. Despite death being the one certainty in life, us humans spend a lifetime carefully skirting around this, preferring to fill our minds with now seemingly insignificant anxieties. Dad was my best friend and I his 'best son' (despite being the older daughter). My only child's Dad died aged 48, when she was just 6, so Grandad had a very significant place in her little heart as well. One week prior to my Dad's 'passing into a different dimension' (I'm avoiding words like 'never,' 'death' etc), I had just moved my daughter's school from London in order to be more local. After 51 years of shared memories and a huge helping of genetics, I am trying to take comfort in the belief that he will always be with me. Having had the pleasure of knowing such a wonderful man, I want to protect his legacy by ensuring he lives on in us. I know he wouldn't thank us for giving up on a life that he loved. I miss him all the time and am trying to get used to living with that gutted feeling however have to believe time will heal and that I knew Dad, how he thought, what he'd say in certain situations, what made him cross or cry with laughter...ergo in some important capacity he is still very much alive. Parents are a bit like oxygen. They are there from that first gasp of life & you just assume they will always be there. I can't bring my Dad's physical presence back but I can keep the rest of him alive through how I continue to live life.This was the first time I have ever used such a site so apologies for the offload - I could have gone on still. I think it does perhaps help to write stuff down & to know we are not alone in our suffering. After 6 months, I'm still at that stage of muddling through, trying to find a clear path to stumble down in the hope that one day I can take a gentle jog down that same path without being hampered by grief.

Hi Roman what a very thoughtful and touching post. And a lively testament to your dad.
It's clear that you adored him and obviously felt / feeling his loss a great deal.
Although six months have now passed, that in grief terms is still very new. It is a devastating time for sure and we all know our lives have changed forever.
But in time, which varies for everyone, things do improve and you begin to get a bit more used to your " new normal
My mums death was also an awful unexpected shock and I think the shock combined with the loss was awful. I am nearly 6 yrs on now and at times I still get very upset and think back to when it happened. I wonder all the time if a consultant had been on duty over the weekend , would my mum of lived.
We can torture ourselves all the time by thinking about everything.
I hope you feel a bit better by writing about your very sad loss. Always someone here who will answer you if you post again. 💐

Lively = lovely !

roman6
It's so tough, I'm only on day 4 so have a long way to go! I'm trying to think that dad would hate me to be so upset but I can't help it. I cried in front of him last week and he felt so bad that he'd upset me, but I just felt so helpless for him and hated to see him suffering.
I keep torturing myself that he kept taking off his oxygen mask and I kept putting it back on! What if he was trying to speak?! I guess we all have thoughts and regrets.
I'm glad I told him I loved him before he died, even tho he couldn't answer, I like to think he heard me.

Jools I am quite sure your dad heard you. 💐

Thank you for your posts, very thoughtful. I will try and introduce my technophobic Swedish mum to such online forums! She met my Dad, at the time a young RAF officer, fell in love and accompanied him all over the world. They were married for 56 years. Where I was a 'chip off the old block' to my Dad, my mother & I have always been quite different. It seems to be the right time to correct that imbalance & support & encourage one another. Jools, your Dad knew you loved him - eyes say more than words at such times. Be kind to yourself over the next few months. I don't believe there are any miracle cures, it seems a matter of just putting your head down and getting through the coming days while constantly reminding yourself that your Dad would not want you to fall to pieces. Time does help the healing process - that and the acceptance that this happens to each & every one of us one day & it would never be a good time to say goodbye to someone you love so much.

You speak wise words roman

I hope that everyone is managing to cope and you are all getting good RL support. It's a very stressful time so I hope you are all taking care of yourselves.

Thanks mummylin it's certainly stressful. Mum and I are gradually sorting out dad's paperwork, banking, bills etc and organising the funeral... I'm dreading the funeral next week. Mum is putting on a brave face but she just looks so sad.

It really must be so awful for someone who has been with their other half a while, then all of a sudden that person is gone. It's like losing the other half of you isn't it.
I hope the funeral directors are being helpful to you, it can make such a difference and be so helpful that you are getting good advice and guidance on what you have to do.
I expect you are dreading the actual day, but somehow we all get through it and It isn't as bad as we anticipate. Of course it's very upsetting, but we seem to get extra strength somehow. One day at a time will get you through everything, and your mum. 💐

Thanks mummylin you are right. I'm teetering on the edge of reading a verse at the funeral that I like, but I just don't know if I can do it without breaking down! I feel I owe it to dad but then I think he would understand aaarrgg!

It is stressful. Yesterday I finally dealt with the last company to finish sorting out Dad's paperwork and today I heard from the funeral directors to say that Dads ashes had been interned. I had really wanted to be there but due to the distance and my work and family it just wasn't practical. So because of that Mum didn't go either. I feel awful that no one was there with him, and that it's taken nearly 3 months to happen.

Jools if you want to read a verse for your dad try and have someone to take over from you if you can't finish It, everyone will understand. 💐

Ali it does seem rather sad that no-one was able to be there for the internment, but I'm sure that lots of people find it impossible to attend for what is no more than ten minutes ( if that ). I'm sure your dad would of understood. That was a long time you had to wait for this, we had mums ashes buried the following week, but we didn't tell everyone, just me and my siblings.you did your best with everything when your dad died, I wouldn't beat yourself up about this now. 💐

Hello is it alright for me to post here? My father died recently and was found today, about an hour after I found out I was pregnant. I think I'm in shock. It was sudden, he was just 54 and our family is tiny. I'm lost for words, today is surreal. I just want him to swear at me and tell me I drink stupid coffee. Everybody knew him (the ambulance lady knew him which was very nice) even the police today knew him. I'm talking utter tripe because I'm shocked. This just seemed like the right place for me to be? I'm so sorry if I'm intruding on anyones pain and please know that my heart goes out to you all x

My Dad died yesterday, he was 59 and it was 2 weeks and 3 days since he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, spread to liver and lungs. I am completely devastated. He was awesome, a lovable rogue, big drinker, smoker, loads of friends, loved us girls and lived his life exactly as he wanted to. We have so many funny stories. I don't feel like I am coping very well but he would want me to be strong so I am trying. I'm glad that it was quick for him, knowing him, he would have been pleased to have had lots of morphine and sleep away, only a few days in hospital on breathing support. I'm also glad that I was with him, even though it was so very hard, I have felt so worried about him dying alone. Everything that needs sorted feels a bit confusing and a lot to get my head around.

Sorry to everyone else for their losses. It's one of those things that you really don't understand just how awful it feels until it happens to you. xxx

Hello troubled what a terrible shock for you and how sad that your dad has only just been found. A time of very mixed emotions for you as you receive the lovely news about your pregnancy ( congratulations on that ).
I expect you are feeling in complete shock at the moment and that is quite understandable in your situation. For me personally, when my mum died so suddenly, the shock felt like a real physical pain, it was horrible.
I expect you may have to be quite busy, doing things that have to be done etc. I do hope that you have family and friends that are around to support you at this very sad time. Do take care of yourself, and just get through one day at a time. 💐

Hello lookmore. We have recently lost a family member through exactly the same illness, but in our case it was longer , about eleven weeks all told.
What a terrible couple of weeks for you and all your family. It is so hard isn't it to accept that someone once such a larger than life character is so suddenly gone.
I am sure you all feel devastated and don't know how to get through the day. But get through it you will. But at the moment it is all so new and painful for you and I expect you think you will now always feel like you do at the moment.
You will eventually begin to feel happy again, it takes a while but for now just coping with each day is enough. I hope too that you have support in RL.
We all understand on this thread as we have all been / going through this heartache. Take care 💐

Mummylin yes it's a shock and a very real physical pain. Now we wait for an autopsy and start contacting all the household admin people ie energy suppliers, landlords. By we I mean me. My husband is my rock but I want to shelter him now because he found my dad. Is there anywhere to go for practical advice? I'm already reading Cruse for the emotional side. I've laughed and cried today. Lookmore my very real and very sincere condolences. Mummylin is there any timeframe for establishing a new normal? It's not even 24 hours for me and I keep repeating 'minute by minute'. X

Troubled there is no time frame I'm afraid as everyone is so different.
I think most of us spend a while still sobbing at unexpected moments for a while, then gradually we find there are suddenly more days when we don't collapse in heap and sob our hearts out. In general though, it is said the first year is the worst as there so many " firsts " birthday , Father's Day etc. They are all very sad for the first time. But for some people, they just get on with things. I wasn't one of them which is why I have continued this thread ever since my mum died nearly six years ago. I was distraught.
It certainly helps to be able to talk to others and have RL support too. You will establish a new normal, but not just yet. 💐