Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

I am glad that you have made a decision. It is a massive choice to have to make. I hope that you and your dad can support each other at this very sad time. Take the time to look after yourself, make sure you eat, little and often if your appetite seems to of gone. And just take one day at a time. It's enough for now.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum. Losing a parent is incredibly hard but even worse if it comes as a shock. I was so grateful when my Dad died that I had visited with my two young children just a few weeks before.
I also had to decide whether to travel down with my kids the day Dad died because I didn't know if it was appropriate to have them in the house. As it was they were a great distraction from our sadness although I was thankful to my husband taking them out for the day in a few occasions so that my Mum and I could make the necessary arrangements.

My husband and DD did come in the end and it was a nice distraction to have her toddling around offering pretend cups of tea. DH is driving home with her tomorrow and I'm staying a few more days to keep my dad company and help sort some stuff out. It's going to be hard for him to be alone here. It used to house his wife and 4 kids and now it's just him.

Oyster and your poor Dad. I was in England when my Dad died in Canada so I know what you mean... it's so hard.

Seeing or not seeing the person is completely different for everyone. Many people prefer to remember their loved one as they last saw them, alive and vibrant and full of life.

I'm glad you have your DH and DD with you.

Can I join you here? My mum died on Saturday night. I was with her when she died and it was peaceful. It's been a long time coming - she had Alzheimer's and had a stroke 2 years ago. She had been in a nursing home and loved by everyone there. My mum was a very special lady. I am sure you all think the same.

I haven't really cried, but I feel totally lost. I don't know how I am going to be "Normal" at work tomorrow - I am dreading it. I have grieved before when our daughter died, so I sort of know what to expect, but I still feel totally weird.

I will shut up now cos I am not making any sense!

Positive I'm so sorry for your loss. And for the loss of your daughter

Do you have to go to work so soon? Can you take a few days' bereavement leave?

I am just having that conversation with my colleague via text. He is saying not to go in, but I think I would prefer to get back in there straight away. I may negotiate to go in for just a couple of hours as I will then need to sort out death certificate and funeral director with my brother.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I ended up having 4 weeks off work in the end. I too thought that I wanted to get back to 'normal' but when it came to it I couldn't go in. Even when I did it took me a while to get my head back to work, I too felt so lost.
It's been 2 months since Dad died and today is the first day that I haven't cried and felt 'normal'. Yet I now feel guilty because of that.

Hello positive so sorry for your loss. I would think that in some sort of way you started grieving for your mum a while ago. How very sad all this is for everyone.
It Is a strange thing and sent it, you sort of somehow feel that things should be different, the shops shouldn't be full of happy people, the sun shouldn't be shining etc. And yet these things happen.
I wanted to yell to the world " don't you know my mum just died"
For your work situation, you must go with how you feel about it. Is there a limit on how many days you are allowed off ?

If you don't feel you can cope at least take tomorrow off. 💐

And sent it = isn't it !

This is going to sound daft, but I had not even considered that I could take time off. Colleague text to say that he would take care of things and I just said no, I would go in. Now i am not so sure!!! Work will be absolutely fine and i know they will allow me to do whatever I want to do. I will see how I feel.

Yes, I most definitely have been going through some of the grieving over the past few years as mum withdrew from life and became less of herself, but I would also feel guilty for grieving for someone who I visited daily and who looked just the same. I now feel as if I am allowed to grieve fully - but sort of dont know how to go about it.

Also concerned about my dad who was absolutely devoted to mum. He is in the same nursing home and when we took him into see mum after she had died he clung to her just saying that his life was now over and he had nothing else to live for. That was hard to witness.

I have 3 sisters and 1 brother and we know that 1 of the sisters is going to be a pain about things and money grabby!! The rest of us are relaxed and I really dont want any bad feelings and arguments between us, but I can see it coming.

Sorry, this post is all me me me!! I am sorry that there are so many of you having to come onto this thread - the thread you never want to join!!! I had never noticed it before, but it came up on my active tonight - a good coincidence.

Mummylin how you describe things is exactly how I felt after our daughter died. I think the shock was just so immense. This time, it was a waiting game and has been a very emotional few years.

It doesn't sound daft. One of the things I have learned is that everyone grieves differently, everyone needs different things, there is no wrong way or right way of doing it. So you just go ahead and do what feels right.

We had quite a long haul with my DDad too (cancer). I thought I had cried all I could cry, but it was still a huge shock (and a shock that it was a shock IYSWIM) when he died. I took a few weeks off work in the end (lucky).

positive I am the opposite way round than you in that I now have 3 brothers and 1 sister. ( I did have 2 sisters but one died at 26 ). I am very lucky in that my mum had everything written out in her will, one of my brothers and myself were executors and then we had to do the probate as well.
I hope it will all be straightforward for you, you don't need any hassle when such a life changing event has happened. Your poor, poor dad, how sad for him to lose his lifetime partner, it's like losing half of himself isn't it.
Hope you have decided what you will do re time off work.

Thanks for the messages.

My brother and my DH are executors of the will and it will be very organised because they are/were both very organised people. It will be sorted down to the last minute detail. Brother is also a solicitor, so he is quite up on what needs to be done. I am thinking we will all just sit back and help when asked to, but he will drive it all and get it sorted very efficiently and with minimum fuss - as long as the 1 Dsis who is not so level headed doesn't throw spanners in the works.

Regarding work I still dont know what to do. Although I found out last night that my colleague had given everyone else the first hour of the morning off today, because I wouldn't be in. Cheeky bugger!!! That was why he was panicking obviously last night when he realised I would be walking through the doors at 8am expecting normality.....and everyone else would have been at home in bed still!! I think I am going to take him up on his first "offer" and go in late, just like everyone else (i must be such an old dragon at work for them to pull that one, surely!! - I do get on incredibly well with this colleague but he does like to be the "nice guy" while I am perhaps not so....)

Positive I'm sorry for your loss and hope you have decided to take some time off.

My mum's death has been referred to the coroner because it was sudden and unexpected. Does anyone know how long it will be before they decide if a postmortem is necessary? I can't imagine it will be, she had leukaemia and bled out, I think it's a pretty common way for leukaemia patients to go.

My dad is struggling more today now I think some of the shock has worn off. Every little thing is causing him to breakdown, like seeing her coat and shoes in the hall. He's completely torn between starting to pack her things away, but then feeling like he's pretending she never existed, and leaving everything and feeling constantly sad at seeing it unused. It's not even been 48 hours so I really think he needs to leave everything for the time being, there's no hurry.

Focusing on my dad's grief is a welcome distraction from my own. My sister is coming today and we're going to do some cleaning and cook a decent meal.

Sorry Oyster can't help you there. My mum didn't have to have a post Mortem so no idea of the time it may take. I can't magibe it would take that long, but that's only a guess.
Have you had the thing where first thing when you wake in the morning, everything seems as usual, until just a few second later the reality kicks back in again. That is horrible.
Your dad probably dosent know if he is coming or going, he is probably in a vulnerable state right now. Thank goodness he has you and your sibling. 💐

We had to have a post-mortem with my Dad because he died at home and the dr couldn't confirm the cause of death. The decision was made the following day after he died but the post-mortem itself couldn't be performed until 5 days later. That was such a long few days, I kept imagining him in the mortuary and felt much better when the funeral directors said he had been moved to their care.

My mum and I sorted out Dads clothes a few days before the funeral. Mainly because I was traveling home the day after the funeral and wouldn't be back again for a few weeks. I don't think anytime feels like the right time. Sometimes it's just good to keep busy.

Hope everyone has peaceful time over the weekend. Take care everyone💐

Hi All, I've got my first bereavement counselling session on Wednesday. Has anyone else had counselling and did it help?

Hi, no I haven't had counselling so I can't comment on whether it helps. For me, talking about it to my husband and family has been enough for me. I talk about it all the time. I think the counsellor just listens to you and gives you a sympathetic outlet to your emotions. Hope it goes well.

I didn't have any counselling either, my siblings and other family just talked about it together. It wasn't something I wanted to do. I think it's good for some but not fir others. If you think it will help you,then give it a try.

Ali hope your counselling session goes well tomorrow.

Thank you. The session went really well although I spent much of it crying. I was able to explain everything that's happened in the last few months and over the next 4 sessions (not starting until the end of the month) we will try to focus on things separately. For the first session the counsellor has asked me to bring in some photos of my Dad so that we can focus on him. I agree that with all that has been going on surrounding my Mum's health it has actually distracted me from just grieving for Dad.

Glad it went well for you,hopefully it will be a great help and help you to cope with your grief and also to help you move forward with your life . 💐