Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

I'm glad it's helped a little, it's helped me too. It doesn't stop how awful things are but knowing we're not alone is very special.

My Dad's funeral was a week ago last Friday. My DS aged 5 would have been ok at the funeral although I did worry that it would upset him, however DD aged 2 would have had a temper tantrum in the middle and I wanted to be a daughter at the funeral and not a mother. Both kids joined us at the wake though which lightened the mood. I have really struggled to talk to my son about things. Tonight I started crying while I read him a bedtime story, when I told him that I missed Grandad he broke down too. A friend has suggested making a memory book to include photos, drawings and our memories of Dad that the kids can look at. I also have lots of home videos of Dad that I'd like to put onto a DVD. I've been signed off work for another 2 weeks as I still have all of Dad's estate to administrator. I'm fed up of ringing people to inform them that Dad has passed away but as an only child there is no one else to do it.
Sending you all much love. 💐

Hello ali sorry you have joined us ( in the nicest way of course ). It seems that you will now have a lot on your plate , especially as there is only you to do it. Hopefully all the relevant people will help you through things. It's a lot to take it all in when you have just like lost someone.
I believe there are books for young children which help to explain death to them, but in a way they can understand. I understand what you mean about being a daughter at the funeral.
Hopefully you have some support in RL to help you cope with the awful first few weeks of your grief.
Take your time with stuff as much as you can, no point in doing everything at once and making yourself run down.
One day at a time is enough for now 💐

I'm back at home now. I took the children to school this morning and after I dropped them off, burst into tears. Something about the normality of the routine upset me. I was fine after a good cry. I talked to the children last night and my 9 year old wants to come to the funeral and 6 year old doesn't. She's going to stay over at a friends. Knowing them as I do, I think that's the right decision. A friend gave me a story book today called "badger's parting gifts" which I read to the children tonight. Badger is old and dies and his friends are sad but they are reminded of all that Badger had taught them and eventually they can remember the good times with Badger and not be so sad. Lovely book and my daughter understood the significance of reading it.

That book sounds lovely JDSTER hopefully it will bring your child some sort of comfort.
Don't worry about the tears, it's all perfectly normal, and who could possibly blame you in the circumstances.
Take it easy and just get through the now. 💐

I've just bought an excellent book for my 5 year old called Muddles, puddles and sunshine. It's an activity book which when finished will act as a lovely memory book for my son. It has space for photos, drawings and memories about the time when my dad (his grandad) died, how he feels and special memories. I think I'm going to enjoy filling it in with him.

That book sounds great Ali if it brings comfort to your child it will be worth its weight in gold. Very difficult I would think for children to grasp it. It's hard enough for us adults !

Just popping on to say I hope that you have all managed to cope ok this past week. I know the early days aren't easy at all. 💐 For you all

My beautiful, perfect mum died last Wednesday, exactly 1 week after my 28th birthday, my whole world has been turned upside down.
My lovely dad died suddenly just over 3 years ago. They are back together now but I miss them!
I've gone from feeling like a normal person, to now feeling like a lost little girl.

thatmummy I'm so sorry. My dad died just over a week ago. My mum died some years ago and I understand what you are saying about being a lost little girl. I'm older than you but I don't feel old enough to have no parents.

It was dads funeral yesterday. The worst thing is when the coffin came into the church. I could have just ran away. My lovely 9 year old son put his arm round me as I cried. I just feel so empty. I can't comprehend that I won't ever speak to him or see him again. We didn't see each other that often due to distance but we spoke every week. How do you get past the why? He'd been so well up until 8 weeks ago. That's what's really hard.

So sorry for everyone who has lost a Mum or Dad.

I chose the light fittings for one of the rooms I'm decorating today. It was abandoned when I looked after my lovely Mum and then lots of time was taken up with other things like funeral planning and looking after Dad.

It is so stupid to get upset over a light fitting that she will now never see.

I don't think that's silly. It was my son's last day in reception yesterday. We had a small presentation in the morning which made me so sad. My Dad was so proud of his grandson starting school and insisted on buying his first set of school uniform and shoes last summer. I felt so sad that he didn't even get to see him finish his first year.

My dad died yesterday morning. I have been caring for him since my mum died in February 2014. He had multiple cancers and was almost blind - he would have been 90 in September. I managed to keep him living independently in his own home until the end of April, but since then we have been dealing with a succession of A&E, hospitals, respite, care homes, nursing home, A&E etc. I know the system, I tried to make it work for my mum but she ended up being transferred to the hospice unconscious after suffering awfully in hospital. I tried to plan ahead for my dad but just hit bureaucracy time after time so he ended up in a less than adequate nursing home because the hospice no longer admits people just to die.

Can you tell I'm angry?

Anyway, he's at peace now and he had a good life and I will miss him so much because I have been living his life with him for three years. I will also feel free now - I can make arrangements without caveats. We as a society are really not good at helping old people die with care and dignity - my dad certainly didn't. I am retired now and will have time on my hands - does anyone know of any action groups who advocate for better care for the dying?

Thatmummy I completely understand how you must feel, to gave no parents at such a young age must be almost unbearable. There will come a day when you are able to look back and remember all the happy times you had with your dear mum and dad. I know you won't feel like that at the moment, it's all too new. For now take things one day at a time. Do you have any siblings to help you through this very sad time ? No matter how old we are, we all revert to wanting our mummy & daddy at this awful time. 💐

Hi Cat it sounds like you have had a tough time trying to get your dad in the best place that you could, but found lots of hurdles along the way. I am sure your dad is now at peace, but knew how much you cared about him. I hope that you have RL support. It is invaluable and really helps us through all this very sad time.
I don't know myself of any such groups around , but someone else on here may of heard of something.
Take care, one day at a time 💐

We had a death yesterday, but not a parent. It is dh,s side of the family. I feel so sad for the family of the person who has died.

Thanks Mummylin - I do have support. Sorry for your loss xx

Posted on the old thread under a previous name.

My mum died in Autumn. Various firsts have past and they make me sad, then more recently after sad I feel just so pissed off.
I did "angry" a while ago, and I know the stages of grief aren't neatly packaged, but I'm revisiting it with a vengence.

Various life events mean I'm not remotely where l thought I would be right now, but the presence of my mum wouldn't have changed that. We got on well, but she wasn't my confidant or advocate, so I can't even say I'm missing that aspect of my life.

She was ready to go, and in various ways that she died when she did was a blessing for her.

Not sure what the point of this ramble is, there are no answers.

Hello Space if it helps you to ramble on that's fine ! Anything that helps you sort yourself out has to be for the best. I am glad that you have managed to cope with the " firsts " so far. They can be extremely upsetting at times. I am guessing that the first anniversary is about sept / Oct time. That can be an upsetting one.

You are still in your first year of grieving and will probably go along just fine for a while , then all of a sudden it just hits again.
There is no rhyme or reason to this. Don't try and bottle up any feelings of grief, write things down if there is no- one around at the time. You will be ok, but it all takes time. 💐

Cat coriander : I feel the same. I managed to get my mum into a hospice for pain relief even though it was clear she was in her last few weeks. She had total pain so was always screaming out in pain and the hospice couldn't do anything. They insisted she had to be transferred back up north to a nursing home to die and my poor mum was distraught. She kept saying how she just wanted to die because she was a nuisance and in so much pain.
She had a bleed hours before they were due to transfer her so they had to keep her until she died but the whole thing was so stressful for her and the last 6 weeks of her life made unbearable.
I totally understand the medical issues surrounding her death but I am still so angry that we are so awful at this. We all have to die - why can't we manage pain better and not make people feel they are bed blocking due to lack of funding?
I don't know if any action groups but have been doing things to fundraise for the hospice.
So sorry for your loss - you've given up the past few years caring for your dad - that's a wonderful gift. Your love for your dad shines through.
Xxx

Thank you Frazzle for your lovely post. When my mum died in the hospice my dad completely changed his mind about them and said he would be really happy to go there when his time came. Poor thing ended up being in hospital, in respite care, back home, in a hospital, a care home, then a final nursing home. They hospice wouldn't take him because he wasn't in enough pain. I seemed to be forever moving him and his belongings. Even in the nursing home he wasn't left in peace - they decided to refurbish all the rooms on his floor so made him sit downstairs in a chair whilst they ripped out the wash basin, cupboards and wardrobe and expected him to spend his last days n a room with bare pipes and plaster with his clothes in piles on the floor.

I did manage to get him moved to a better room but he was never happy there, which makes me sad. So I don't want to raise money for the hospice because they wouldn't take him - I need to find another outlet for my discontent xx

I'm sorry to hear of your losses and the struggles that you have had before hand. It does make me feel grateful that although we lost my Dad suddenly he wasn't in pain for long and died peacefully in his own home.

Has anyone bought anything like jewellery or anything that acts as a constant reminder of their lives one? I'm thinking of a necklace or something that allows me to remember Dad. I think I'm actually clutching at straws, trying to think of a way of making me feel better but I feel that I want something that would make me feel close to him.

Ali somewhere in this thread there is a photo of a necklace that someone had made from the ashes. It's lovely. I will see if I can find it.

The post is on April 20th, so he f you go nback you can see it, here is the necklace.

Ali that was me that had the necklace made by a company called Ashes into glass, I had the back engraved and they sent it in beautiful packaging I felt as if I'd really honoured my mum and I haven't taken it off since I love wearing it.