Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

It feels so unfair, why my mum why did it have to be her. I can't seem to find any peace at all.

I think that is a question we have all asked Susan . It seems utterly heartbreaking when we lose mum / dad when we have had them with us since birth, then all of a sudden they are gone. It just seems so unreal dosent it.
notreally it will probably hit you when you least expect it, grief has a habit of doing that. Sadly it is something we have to get through 💐💐

I'm glad it's not a strange reaction, I was starting to worry. I don't feel searing pain, I just feel numb, all the time, about everything.

It's sometimes a very strange feeling, almost like it's happening and you are watching from outside !
You are perfectly normal, there is not a set way to grieve.
Some people cope very well, others just crumple ( like me ).
There is no right or wrong way and we all have very differing feelings.
The thing we have in common, is the very overwhelming feelings of loss and heartache. We will never forget, but we can learn to accept it and move forward eventually.

Thank you Mummylin when my best friend died suddenly (no warning at all) nearly 4 years ago I crumpled completely, I was pregnant with DS2 and just couldn't function. I feel like with mum because there were weeks and weeks of deterioration in her condition it's almost like I can't connect the woman I watched die in front of me with the mum I remember? I can't quite wrap my head around the fact she's gone, even though I saw it happen, I bathed and dressed her in a fresh nightie, brushed her hair and remade her bed. Because she didn't look like my mum anymore.

Sorry if that upset anyone, I didn't mean it to be so graphic. I'll remove if it upsets anyone xx

Notreally Its not graphic, I'm so sorry for your loss. I watched my mum deteriorate very quickly and had the massive privilege of being there when she passed, I am minding my own business when something triggers me for instance a Christmas song popped into my head and immediately I thought of mum and got upset. Who thinks of Christmas in July!

I have awful flashbacks of her final days/hours and the moments of her passing. I dream about her but she's always dead or dying and I wake up in a state.

It feels as though the last few months I've been numb and now my memory has come back and I'm reliving those awful last days.

I want to scream because I can't put into words how much I miss her I can't find the right word to go with how this feels.

It's utter crap and every time I read a new thread about someone's loved one who's dying I feel so sad for them. I would sell my soul to have my mum back.

I'm so sorry that you and your mum had to go through that Susan it's utterly horrific beyond words watching someone you love so very dearly in such distress. Triggers are completely normal I think, the tiniest seemingly insignificant thing hurts so much. I was watching YouTube the other day and the song You'll Never Walk Alone was playing, and an old couple dancing was in it. The realisation that that will never be my parents quite literally took my legs from under me and I couldn't breathe. No pain, just utter emptiness.
I don't think there are words, not strong enough to even begin to explain the void. My memories of Mum's last few months and days in particular are very hazy, and I think my brain is protecting me from the awfulness of it all. Particularly when she was in pain and clear distress towards the very end. I know it happened, I saw it happen, but I can't remember it. I hope it never comes back because I'm honestly not sure if I'm prepared for it.
I wish I had the way with words Mummylin has, or some way to ease your terrible pain. I'm so very sorry and will always be here to listen if you need it xxx

This very much sums up the stage I'm at.

That's the thing on here, we are all basically in the same bloody awful boat. It's a question of wether we sink or float. Together we can all manage to float and support each other 💐

I love that analogy Mummylin it's a club nobody ever wants to be a member of but there's a strange kind of comfort in knowing other people "get" it, while being sad that they're in that position.

That's lovely Not, I think I went into shock I think a lot of people do. Losing someone you love is traumatic and I think that also comes out later on. I sometimes think of the enormity of what our family went through like so many on here including you. It's hard to comprehend how we can still breathe after such a massive thing. Mummylin thank you for the constant support on here.

I hope everyone's days get better, not I'm sure your mum would be so proud of you for all you did for her. She will have known just how much you love her

Thank you Susan I told her near the end that she'd never left me on my darkest days and I'd be buggered if I'd leave her. She wanted me to make her laugh, she was fed up of nobody smiling or laughing round her (to be fair my dad was exhausted and terrified and my brother is a dick) so she asked for some inappropriate jokes I said "well Ma I might not be good at much but I've a shitload of them....." and we cracked up laughing for ages. We were never close when I was wee, but the last few years we'd formed a bond I wouldn't trade for all the world. She was my Ma, my Hero and the strongest woman I've ever met. It's just so bloody unfair isn't it?
Minute by minute if you have to, counting the seconds to distract yourself. And we're here, every step of the way. The road is the hardest yet, but having hands to hold along the way will help.

My dear dad died tonight in ITU. He had a short illness of only 7 weeks. He was fit and well before that. We thought he was recovering ok from the illness, although I knew there may be some long term complications but then he took a turn for the worse last weekend. I travelled to see him Thurs and he died what was last night about 11pm. He was sedated and intubated so he didn't know I was there. It was quite peaceful and controlled at the end. I could see he was failing and refused some interventions and asked them to switch off some of the medications. His wife (not my mum) was with him too. The last time I spoke to him was I think last Friday and I didn't know it would be the last time. I thought he was getting better. I had been speaking to him every day while he was in hospital. I just feel so sad and angry and scared. I'm away from my husband and children and they're going to be so sad. It all just feels unbelievable.

JDSTER welcome I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, it must have been really tough for you to be away from your husband and kids and have to make lots of decisions in the hospital. I hope you have some RL support too, but you can talk to us any time. Xx

JDSTER I know words wont bring you comfort right now and there's nothing anyone can say to ease your pain. I am so sorry, I hope you will be with those who can love and support you in rl 💐

HelloJdster I am sorry to see your very sad news, you must be so sad when you actually thought your dad was recovering at one point.i am sure you are also sad about being away from your family, but hopefully it won't be for too long.
This is such a sad time in anyone's life and although we can't put everything right for each other, we can offer words of comfort, and hope for the future. Lots of supportive people on here.
Make sure you look after yourself, don't miss your meals etc. You still have to function, although at times this feels impossible in the early days.
Hoping you have some good RL support from friends and family. 💐

Been searching for somewhere that I can chat to people who understand what I'm feeling right now. My dad died just over a week ago. We only found out he had cancer 4 weeks ago so still in shock.

Funeral is past and I've never felt this numb and sad. I have great family support but don't like talking to them as they are all dealing with their grief in their own way and prefer not to talk about it

Hi Jingle so sorry you have had to join us here. I expect you are still in a state of shock after your dad's illness was so rapid. It is very hard to accept that suddenly a person is no longer here.
It is a time of unbelievable sadness, disbelief and a longing to have that person back. If only that were possible.
I understand about talking to other family members, you don't want to distress them further, but in fact they may welcome somebody to talk to about what has happened. But of course you know wether this could be true.
Do you have good friends that you could talk to ? It is so helpful when you have good support in RL, it's a horrible situation to go through on your own.
Take each day as it comes, it helps to just get through a bit at a time. And do look after yourself.
Always someone here to chat to, we have all been where you are now and we understand.💐

Thank you Mummylin. I do have good friends and everyone has been so kind but they can't give me the one thing I need... to have Dad back.

I'm going to the GP on Monday so may look into counselling. I'd feel better taking to someone impartial if that makes sense, I won't worry I'm upsetting them.

Sorry for your loss

Thank you for your kind words everyone. jingle I understand how you're feeling when your parent has had such a short illness. I just can't believe I won't see dad again. I've had wonderful support from friends this week, who I've reached out to for support while I was visiting dad. Their support has been by phone/text but they've been there for me.

Two good friends got a full account of what was happening last night and it helped me so much.

I'm going home tomorrow back to DH and DS and DD. It will be hard seeing the children for the first time. DH broke the news that grandad had died. DD (6) asked me tonight on the phone if I was sad. I told her I was very very sad because I loved grandad so much.

Does anyone have any advice about taking children to funerals? DS is 9 and very eloquently explained to DH what a funeral is all about and said he wanted to go. Dad was very well known in his community and I think there will be hundreds at the church. I worry it will be too overwhelming but equally I want to feel DS had a say in whether he goes or not.

So sorry for your loss too JDSTER.

I took my DD 6 to the funeral. I initially wasn't going to as I thought she was too young but I explained what would happen and gave her the choice. She chose to come and was fine. She behaved very well and wasn't upset. I explained mummy would be very sad but having her with me actually helped me to hold it together.

My DN 13 and DN 9 also came and both were very upset at the service but they also got to see that after the service we had a funeral tea and were able to listen to us reminiscing about grandad and laughing about the jokes he used to play on us all.

It's a hard decision and I'm sure whatever you chose will be the right decision for you and your family.

Jingle I'm so sorry
JDSTER my DS1 who is 10 came to my mum's memorial service (we had 2, a small private cremation and then a larger public service with 500 + people) and my 2 BILs were on hand in case it all got too much for him (he's autistic). It did, about halfway through, and they took him outside. I could hear him laughing with them and somehow that helped. I couldn't leave because my dad was doing the service and was looking at me the whole time for strength.
Is there someone you could have on hand to take care of your DS if it does get too much? He sounds like a lovely boy who fully understands what a funeral is. There's no wrong answer.

Sorry Jingle I feel like my first message was very blunt, it wasn't meant to be, and you'd think I'd know what to say but I don't. My mum died 4 weeks ago today and I'm lost, I finally broke last night and sobbed my heart out. But you're right, whatever anybody says or does, they can't give you the one person you need. I just want my mum, for one more day even.

No need to apologies Notreallyarsed I didn't find you blunt. We are all in that really dark place and I think just being able to talk here has helped me a little. Sending lots of good wishes your way