Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent.

[Mummylin]

Welcome to the new thread for support in your loss.

Thank you Little

Hello cuddle it seems that's exactly what you can do with right now . I think you have enough on your plate to deal with. You are newly bereaved and this just dosent go away in a few weeks. Very selfish of your dh to disregard your own feelings at this time. I'm sure you feel sad on his behalf about his dad, but at the moment you have to come to terms with your own grief, which can be tough.
It is difficult when you are the oldest, I am too. But my siblings do not expect me to be the mother figure, I suppose it depends on the ages of your siblings.
I would suggest that your dh gets some support from the relevant medical people or a support group. You are not really in the right position to give 100% support at this time owing to your own loss.
Does your dh have siblings too ? If he does then maybe they can support each other at this time.
You too need support and it's not right to dismiss this.
Who is there to support you ? 💐

Thanks Mummylin. There's not really anyone in terms of friends/family in RL to support me just now. I am getting early support from Cruse, which is a once a month session. Thought about going on anti-depressants and have spoken to GP, but we came to joint conclusion it was probably a bit early for that.

I do just need to make it clear to my siblings I'm not the parent now. I am oldest by 8-12 years- the only one in their 40s, only one who's married. They know about DH's dad, but I think they haven't realised it means I can't just be "mum and dad" alongside him.

DH is being selfish. I get that he's hurting and I am trying to support him as best I can. I have passed in details of medical/support groups, but he's insisting that those are for his mum & dad only and that he doesn't need any support.

He says that the only problem he has just now is me and my instability, my neediness. He doesn't see why I can't just be "stable" just now and carry on as usual. He says he isn't upset about his dad, he's come to terms with it already and just wants to spend time with his dad/move on. I tried saying I think/know that just pretending everything is ok/normal would lead to serious problems later, but he just dismisses that as nonsense.

He does have a sister. They don't have a great relationship- it's not that bad, it is just a bit distant/not that warm or close. He is quite wary of her/cagey with her. From what I know of her, if he tried for them to be mutually supportive, it would be quite likely she would lean on him a lot more than vice versa.

They also disagree with one another about what DFIL should do. There is a long shot operation, which he might not survive. DFIL and DSIL think he should go for it, "rage, rage against the dying of the light" style. DMIL and DH think he shouldn't, he should just enjoy what time he has left. DFIL and DSIL are both optimistic, "go with your gut instinct" type people, DMIL and DH are more pessimistic, work out the odds and decide type people. DSIL is worried DMIL is pushing DFIL down the wrong path for him, and I think a big fight is brewing.

Me, I think it's DFIL's life, his choice, and whatever he wants, we back him up wholeheartedly. But I know if I am too open about that, DH will think I am being disloyal/interfering. When I offered to batch cook some freezer meals for his PILs to help them out whilst they are going for appointments/tests etc, DH told me it would be interfering. So I am trying to just be a bit subtle about it- saying looking into the operation in more detail is a good plan. When he did that, turns out the operation is not that risky in itself, it's just the anaesthetic etc. So it did help DH be a bit more open minded about it.

But, I'm not really able to keep this up. I'm broken hearted myself and struggling to hide that. I try to cry etc whilst DH is out, then put on a busy/cheerful front just before he gets in. But I'm doing less round the house because of this and just generally being sad/down and he's noticed this- he called me a lazy bitch last night.

Oh god this sounds awful. I absolutely agree with you that it is father in laws choice on what he wants to do.
Everyone can have their point of view but the ultimate decision must be his.
Why on earth should you have to go off and cry alone. ? You need to have massive support from your dh and he just cannot ignore your recent loss.

Yes it's sad about his dad, but how on earth does he think you are feeling about your own. It's nit exactly a bed of roses is it.
I would def have a word with your siblings, they are all adults and must face up to things as adults, not young children.
And why should you be expected to carry all this on your own.
I think I would be having a very tough talk with my dh and tell him that you need support at the moment, and while you sympathise with his dad being so ill, you can't actually take anything else on board just at the moment until you can cope better with your own recent bereavement .
He has to try and see things from your point of view not from his own selfish attitude.
I would be having very strong words and they wouldn't all be polite I'm afraid,

Thanks Mummylin. It is awful. It's really helped to just have someone acknowledge that this is an awful situation and not one I should be able to just manage without blinking an eye. Thank you.

Thing is I wouldn't mind supporting him, if I got some support back. But he wants me to support him, but not interfere, understand what he's going through, sweep what I'm going through under the carpet and pretend I'm fine and it's only his family that matters.

TBH, I think my siblings will be fine if I just say I'm not up to it. They've just not thought it through I think- they're all quite close in age, I'm a bit older, it's a natural assumption but I think they will back down easy enough if I just don't play along. Anyway, it's going to be easier to start there I think. They're all a bit thoughtless but kind underneath really- if I go round and start crying they will just give me a cuddle and make a cup of tea. Then they might have a good cry to themselves but I'm fine with that, both crying but cuddling while we do it.

Maybe best just to keep out of what is going on with DH's dad as best I can. I have tried to offer emotional/practical support and it's not working, so I don't really understand what to do in that dynamic. I'm just going to have to keep a firm line with DH.

Thanks, I'm a lot clearer what to do now.

Good for you. Don't allow him to brush off your concerns and grief. By the sound of it he will try.

Wishing you all the best and make sure you take the time out to look after yourself. It isn't selfish to do that, in fact it is everyone's interest.

There is always someone who will come along on this thread for you to chat about things. Take care of yourself, that is important. 💐

Thank you. It all just got a bit much and I didn't know where to start. My siblings will definitely be easier to handle just now. They'll realise they weren't thinking soon as there's tears. I've been trying to be strong with them and go to DH for comfort, when actually it'll be a lot easier the other way round.

Good luck, I hope everyone can see that you need a lot if support to and it's not possible for you to support everyone else at this time. Maybe your dh dosent even realise how devastating the loss of a parent is. And I think there are a lot of people around like that. Until it happens to them, they think it's a case of being ok a couple of weeks later, if only they knew how much it hurts.

I think that's true Mummylin. People don't get it til they've experienced it. He was crap at first, then great for a couple of weeks once he saw I was down, and now he thinks it should all be behind me.

If that was only true cuddle . It is the most devastating thing ever for me, and this is despite me losing a sister when she was only 26, but my mum ! Oh my god I will never be the same and neither will my life. I miss her terribly and it's been 5 yrs now.
Luckily I have very close family and we have all got through it together. But they all knew it would hit me so hard as I saw her everyday, as I was the only one at home, the rest were all at work. And it was an unexpected death , which didn't help.
But eventually things do get better and life continues, but it's a different life now. But there is always someone missing.

Me too Mummylin. It's the most difficult thing I've ever been through. I lost my mum 8 years ago- we were very, very close. I still miss her everyday. It's got to the point where things that remind me of her bring happy moments now not painful ones, but that took about six years, there were so many things I couldn't bear to see or be around for so long.

Same here cuddle I won't even go down my mums road in case I see someone in " her " garden . But I have lots of her stuff still here from when my brother and I emptied her house. It's all packed up in big plastic containers. I did actually go through some a few weeks ago, but I still have at least 8 or 9 of them ! I can't just throw her stuff out.
I am off to have a bath now as going to carvery with dh and my brother, but I will be back later.

Have a nice meal

Meal was lovely but I overate and my stomach felt very uncomfortable after. Was the fault of the giant Yorkshire pudding !

I have been on mumsnet for years. I live in Belgium so joined to give advice on the living overseas posts. It was only today when looking for the classic threads (having been taken there via the roundup) that I saw the bereavement link. I lost my df in January. It never occurred to me to come here for support.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2016. The tumour was on his spine eroding the bone so the pain was excruciating. Radiotherapy and chemo stopped it spreading but didn't shrink the tumour. It was inoperable because of its position. He was doing ok though but had a pain op on 6 December which led to urine retention, a catheter being fitted, him getting a severe infection and nearly dying 3 days later. He rallied twice and eventually got out of hospital on 12 January - delayed because of a lack of carers. So he went from being able to do quite a lot for himself but in pain to being bedridden because of the infection but out of pain. He only lasted another ten days before he passed away and in the end it was much quicker than any of us anticipated. I didn't make it back in time and it still hurts that I wasn't there.

Hello longtime I understand how you feel regarding nit being with your dad at that time. Myself and my siblings felt the same that my mum was alone when she died, it was unexpected that is why. It does hurt to think that we weren't there with her.i don't know about you, but I always wonder if she was scared or whatever, but if you dwell on that too much you will literally drive yourself crazy.
It sounds like your poor dad suffered in the last couple of weeks, what a terrible illness it is.
It seems the only good thing is that his op did relieve his pain, it must be unbearable to suffer so much.
I don't think you could really be expected to be there when you live so far away and didn't know what was coming. I am sure that your dad knew that you cared and that would of made him happy.
Take comfort from all the happy times you did have together over the years.
It is only a short while since you lost your dad, so your grief is still really strong. As time goes by hopefully any regrets you have will fade.
Do take care of yourself and just take each day as it come. It's a tough time 💐

Not sure what happened to my post...but I just wanted to check on you cuddle. How are you doing today? It's a rough road you're walking on and you really need to take care of yourself. I've been through something similar. My father passed away and my husband turned into the biggest jerk ever.
I really hit rock bottom and if I hadn't put my needs first I really don't think I would've been ok....

Sorry to hear about your dad Longtime .

Thank you crazydil. I am trying to look after myself. But I meet a lot of hostility when I do that. Some days DH is very conciliatory "we need to support one another through this", but the actions don't really match up to that. I get that he is hurting and try to take that into account, but as soon as I do that, it's like any consideration of me flys right out of the window. I'm starting to question whether our marriage will survive this. The only things that are stopping me walking is that I know you're not supposed to make any big decisions soon after being bereaved, and I also know that however much he is acting out just now, I do love DH and I don't want to hurt him when he's already struggling.

And thank you so much crazydil. That came at just the right time. We had a big fight this morning and I was feeling like no-one in the world remembered I even existed other than as an extension of themselves.

You are right cuddle they do say no big decisions for a while. I suppose that makes sense really, because our minds aren't really focused for a while are they.
Hopefully you and dh can get through this, but he has to realise that you are grieving and so you need to be given support from him, not just be expected to support him. Very difficult situation for you. 💐

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me joining this thread.

I lost my Dad 4 days ago. He had cancer but ultimately it was other complications/infections on top of that which caused his death. I travelled home as soon as I heard the news - I live 250 miles away from my parents. I don't even know how to begin to describe how I feel. It's horrendous. Thing is, since I got home, it's become apparent to me that I'm the one who is doing things - ie organising the funeral, paperwork, calling people, arranging appointments for my mum etc... and I feel I have to hold it together because it's become very obvious to me that neither my mum or sister are up to it. I'm utterly exhausted and emotionally, mentally and physically drained.

I'm due to go back to work after the bank holiday (a few days compassionate leave plus some annual leave), but I'm literally going to be running about until the last minute before I go back home... I'm worrying now that I won't actually have any time to grieve before I go back to work. I saw one of you saying above about getting hassled about targets etc... My work is 100% full on corporate bullshit and targets these days and right now I just see it as complete and utter nonsense. When you go through this kind of loss, you see this other stuff for the complete pointless crap it is; problem is I'm fairly likely to tell them as much in my current mood. Thinking it might be an idea to take some extra days or something just for me. Work are likely to forget very very quickly so are unlikely to care much after a day or two. It's always baffled me actually how employers think a few days compassionate leave is enough for anyone going through this; it baffles me even more now.

What's getting me at the moment is walking around my parents' house expecting to hear/see my dad and he's just not here. So many things belonging to him... it's all so raw right now. I'm exhausted but can't sleep... and when I do sleep I have such awful dreams. I'm dreading tonight. Am also dreading leaving next week because my mum looks so vulnerable and fragile... the thought of her on her own in this house without my dad... it's horrible, and I know how hard it's going to hit her. Feeling guilty before I even go. :-(

Hello alfa firstly I am so sorry for your loss. It is also indeed a terrible time and I agree that a few days leave from work isn't enough to have to cope with such a life changing event.
Is there any chance you can get yourself signed off from work for a couple of weeks ? Do you think this would help you ?
You could mention you aren't sleeping etc, and by what you have said here you could certainly do with more time than off.
It is very hard to see items around that belonged to someone who is no longer here. It just seems unbelievable. That someone who has always been here, suddenly isn't. It takes a lot of getting used to.
If you are having to do most of the things, who is looking out for you ? I would go and see what your doc says, although seeing as you are away from home, maybe you could get to speak to him on the phone . 💐

It is very hard to see items around that belonged to someone who is no longer here. It just seems unbelievable. That someone who has always been here, suddenly isn't. It takes a lot of getting used to.

It sometimes feels like my Mum must have been kidnapped, which is ridiculous I know.

It is the most horrible of situations isn't it Little suddenly silly things become one of your treasures. I have my mums potato peeler, it's old and worn, but it was my mums so now to me it is very special. I can't tell you all the other things I have which I Can't bear to part with.