My beautiful son - part 2

[minmooch]

My last thread is full so here goes another one.

This is a place where I write about my son - Will - who died aged 18 after enduring the horrors of brain cancer. He was kind, gentle, funny, quirky, intelligent, an inspiration. He endured for two years and 3 months of treatment with dignity, humour, positivity and strength.

Thank you for all your lovely words and for thinking of me/Will over his anniversary.

I survived the huge wave that hit, thought it would swamp me but I came out spluttering - thank you for those words Serendipity.

So here we go into the third year without you my darling boy. I'll try to swim in the sea and not be quite so swamped. No promises though.

I love you. I miss you. Every day. Every minute.

I'm so glad you had time somewhere so lovely.

Water is very soothing.

In my thoughts today, as you so often are.

Always thinking of you dearest Min and your darling boy.

I'm glad you were near the water. Sending love.

My darling darling boy. It's been a while since I last wrote.

That's good I suppose.

Life is busy. Too busy at times. Sometimes it leaves me with no emotional space to 'feel' you.

I miss you. There are so many moments of every day I think of you, speak to you. My drive home from work takes me pass your school and the Abbey where your funeral was held. As I drive past and I always think 'Oh Will, what happened? Why did you not get the chances others did?'.

Every night before I put the dogs to bed I stand in the garden and look to the skies. I talk to you.

I can't seem to go to your grave. I thought it would be easier now your headstone is in place but it isn't. I feel horribly guilty. But I just can't go there.

I hope wherever you, if there is another place, that you know how much I love you, how much I miss you. I hope you can see your brother, how he is doing so brilliantly, what a fantastic young man he is growing in to.

It also makes it hard. Seeing your brother go is wonderful and yet every step he takes shows up every step you didn't get to take. The juxtaposition is jarring and tiring. Sometimes it has to be put in a box. For my sanity. But the guilt of that overwhelms sometimes and I open that box and torture myself.

I so wish you were here, living your life, taking your own steps on your journey, planning your job, maybe marriage, maybe kids one day. So many things missed. I miss your past and I grieve the future you never got.

I love you. I miss you. With every beat of my heart and with every breath that I take.

💔 beautifully written. I’m sure he knows and feels your love still

Only just seen this, Min. Been away.

Think of you often & send love to you all. Am sure Will would not mind that you don't go to his grave - it's not him. He lives in your (& Alex's) hearts & thoughts now.

My darling boy. Your 24th birthday today yet you are forever 18.

My heart aches for you. It just is not fair that your life was cut so short. It's not fair that you suffered so much.

I bloody wish you were here.

I miss you and I'm so bloody angry.

Xxx

Well my darling I have done something rash. Throughout your school years you loved the CCF. You worked out that when you were in the 6th Form you would be able to go to Africa on the CCF trip and climb Mount Kilimanjaro. You never made it.

Well today I got an email from The Good Grief project, a charity helping bereaved parents. They notified me of a challenge next year raising funds for the charity by climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. It's a sign I'm happy to act on and have signed up for the challenge. You didn't get there but I will do it in your honour.

Thinking of you. Happy Birthday to your boy. A marvellous challenge that you have undertaken - sending strength and best wishes.

Belated Happy Birthday to Will.

Am amazed by your challenge - is there a link for sponsors to sign up to?

Ive just read this entire thread, I am heartbroken for you, I have sobbed for you and I cannot imagine your pain. You are the strongest most amazing mum I've ever heard of. Honestly! I have no words.. But I couldn't just cry and not comment.. You've had to face my biggest fears over and over! And your still going as hard as it is.. X

@Yupimahelecopter thank you for your kind words. Sometimes o hide from my own thread and only come back to it when I need to.

My darling boy - we are getting close to your anniversary. I relive your last few weeks. I try not to but then I feel i dishonour you by not.

I've got our home rented out from this week. I've been in your bedroom painting it. I've been talking to you, remembering our life in our home. I miss you. It still feels unreal, what happened to you. I just wish it could all have been so different for you.

Tears are not far as my heart aches for you and for everything you should have been doing these last 6 years.

I love you and miss you every day xx

My darling darling boy. Oh how I miss you. Your presence, your laughter, your love. I miss your voice, hearing you call me, hearing you giggle.

The days have aligned and are the same as 6 years ago. It seems just a moment ago as I watched you face your final days, moments. How brave you were. I couldn't have loved you any more. If I could have traded place with you I would have done.

The horror you went through in your battle with cancer. The life you tried to live knowing you didn't have time. The humour you used to get through it all.

The unfairness of it all, the anger I feel still rages through me at times. I try so hard to live well but some days, days like today when I remember sitting with you holding your hand wishing you didn't have to suffer any more but knowing what that meant.

I loved you then. I love you now. I will always love you whilst there is breath in my body.

Min - no words can work, only love can.

I love you my darling boy. Your brother has had a rough time over your anniversary - I think as time goes on he realises the enormity of your loss. But he has a job, starting next week, and will begin the next stage of his life.

Bloody hard as a mother. Every step he takes is a painful reminder of what you are missing. Have to be happy happy happy for him whilst crying inside for you.

Love you love you love you.

I'd give anything, just anything, to have just one minute with you, one minute to see you again.

Oh how I love you. Oh how I miss you.

@WiseOldBird

I don't know if you own or have a financial stake in that website since you've been bumping old threads to promote it. But the fact that you bumped this thread, by someone mourning their child, to link to a website that promotes "mediums" who charge people money to talk to their deceased loved ones is a bit fucked up.

[quote Thewitcher]@WiseOldBird

I don't know if you own or have a financial stake in that website since you've been bumping old threads to promote it. But the fact that you bumped this thread, by someone mourning their child, to link to a website that promotes "mediums" who charge people money to talk to their deceased loved ones is a bit fucked up.[/quote]
Wow what a nasty person you are. I have no financial stake in this site. The lady that runs it doesn't even make money from it. She lost her son from suicide a few years ago. That is why she started the site. She has helped hundreds of bereaved parents over the years. I hope you are never in a position where you have to turn to a site like that. But it is been life changing for so many has really helped them through their grief process. I'm really sorry that you feel the need to lash out like you have. Perhaps you should go and look at the site and see what it is about. It may help you become a nice person. I feel sorry for anyone that you have in your life who has to endure your vitriol.

I did look at that site (although you spelled the link wrong). I saw all the links to the people who claim to be able to contact the dead for a price. Scam artists preying on the grieving.

Please don't argue on this thread. This is for Minmooch

I have kept you and your dear boy in mind over the years. I hope you and your other son are finding some peace.

Minmooch i am in tears reading this, your words to your beautiful boy are filled with such love I can feel it. I have nothing I can say or do but to send my love to you x

I haven't posted in a while so missed the deleted post thankfully. If I was interested in seeing a medium I'd ask for recommendations. It's not my cup of tea.

My darling boy. You are painfully in my thoughts. It's coming up to your birthday and it's such a bittersweet time. Beautiful memories of birthdays past. Desperately hard memories of birthdays whilst you were ill. Painful days of the 6 birthdays you've missed, with the 7th one looming. You'd be 25. I don't know what you'd be doing, where you would be living.

Oh to have you here for just a few moments. To see you. Hold you. Hear your voice. Hear your laughter, laugh at one of your stupid jokes.

I'm very tired. Still navigating my way through life without you in it.

Seeing your brother become a wonderful young man is gorgeous. But your death ripped us all apart. I lost you, my son. But Alex lost his brother. We still tip toe around each other's pain, trying to protect each other. We shall go for a walk together on your birthday, and visit your grave together. Perhaps this year we can be more honest about our pain and the ripple effect of your death.

I miss you. I love you. Xx