My beautiful son - part 2

[minmooch]

My last thread is full so here goes another one.

This is a place where I write about my son - Will - who died aged 18 after enduring the horrors of brain cancer. He was kind, gentle, funny, quirky, intelligent, an inspiration. He endured for two years and 3 months of treatment with dignity, humour, positivity and strength.

Thank you for all your lovely words and for thinking of me/Will over his anniversary.

I survived the huge wave that hit, thought it would swamp me but I came out spluttering - thank you for those words Serendipity.

So here we go into the third year without you my darling boy. I'll try to swim in the sea and not be quite so swamped. No promises though.

I love you. I miss you. Every day. Every minute.

Hi just wanted to say you are a amazing mummy and I can feel the love you have for your son through your words as I am a mummy who has no choice but to live without her son aswell 💔 where there is deep grief there is great love ...sending love to you 💕 xxxxx

Min. Thinking of you - still think of you all every time I see the sea.

My darling boy.

10 years ago today, before I lost you, I lost twin daughters, stillborn at 22 weeks. It was the start of horrendous times.

When you became ill I came to terms with having lost the girls as you needed me.

But so much loss in my life. At times it staggers me that I bear any resemblance to a normal person.

Ten years seems such a significant date. So many hopes and dreams shattered over the years. Such trauma, such tragedy.

I'm at work today. I find it difficult to say anything to anyone as the girls loss is minor compared to your suffering, your death.

So here I will say their names, Katie and Anna. My daughters. Born still 25th September 2008.

Oh gosh minmooch, so much loss and tragedy, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Life can be so cruel.

Thinking of you, and your desperately missed children

Katie

Anna

Will

Min - as I say so often, all I can send you is my love & thoughts from a sea gazing stranger from the internet.

Much love...........

Feeling the rage today my darling. Thursday will be 7 years to the day you were diagnosed.

Finding myself very angry at everything. I feel cheated for you, for me, for everyone who loved you and witnessed the horror.

Then soon it is your birthday.

It's not fair and I want to just cry.

I love you and miss you.

ChannelingErik.com has helped. You have to be open to spiritual matters in order to read it. It is not for everyone.

- my love, Min.

Minmooch, I think of you, and of Will, so often. Sending love to you.
(I've had a million names on here, and we've "met" before).

Another one still here on this board and who thinks of you and your beloved Will. The rage is understandable. All of the emotions are. No parent should have to go through what you have.

It's a terrible loss to lose a child.

You lose so much more than can be imagined.

The loss is felt always, has an effect on your every day life.

Happy times are tinged with that knowledge that your child is missing.

You know your child is missing their own deserved and expected happy times.

Your child never grew up.

In my experience my child spent the last two and half years in pain and fear. He showed extraordinary bravery, humour in the face of such enormous magnitude. Kindness to others. A willingness to help others even when he knew he couldn't. And through it all he knew he was going to die. That knowledge alone breaks me. He was braver than I.

My darling boy, my first born. On the eve of your 23rd birthday I am again assailed by sadness. Overwhelmed with a love that has nowhere to go. You are simply not here and it's so bloody unfair.

As always I don't know what to do with myself. Curl up in a ball and weep? Carry on as normal with work to distract myself?

Sweet sweet memories of your birth. Your first cry. Looking into your little black currant eyes. I loved those moments when everyone was asleep and it was just you and I. What a powerful thing is love.

How heavy my heart is with longing for you. I wouldn't even need to see you or talk to you but just the knowledge that you were alive somewhere on this same planet would do.

I love you. Just as much as when you were here.

I miss you. Always xxx

“The knowledge that you were alive somewhere on this same planet would do”

This struck a chord with me.

Your love for Will shines through and it is so cruel that he has been taken away.

minmooch, my heart breaks for you, and everyone who has lost a beloved child.
I am 2.5 years down the same, sad road.
Your posts are so eloquent, so dignified. Your love for, and pride in your son is there in every word.
I know we think about our precious children all the time.
You are so brave.

Minimooch it's shit, it stinks & it ain't fair. We should go before our children.
I understand your pain.
Your love for your son Will shines through.
Just remember that when we are pregnant with our children our dna/blood cells gets shared/mixed with our own. So just remember that a little bit of your Will, will always be inside of you

Thank you all for your kind words.

My darling boy. Another Christmas without you. You loved Christmas - all the glitter and tinsel. Oh what would I give to have you here today? To feel your arms around me in that jokey way to let me know how much taller than me you were. To hear your voice.

Wherever you are, I'm thinking of you, missing you, loving you.

It's so bloody unfair.

Big day today with K's family, all here in our new home. Alex here with us. It will be lovely but you will be sorely missed. It's these days where the missing hurts most.

Happy Christmas darling Will. I love you xx

Min, I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss. I have only just come across your posts, and I don't know really what I'm asking. My best friend will be very soon in the same position as you. Her dd same age as your son. I want to be there for her, help her, give her space when she needs, be a sounding board or whatever she needs. the loss will be horrendous, and whatever I can do won't be enough, I don't know what to do. I've lost a parent, grandparents, parents in law. Had miscarriages, but not a child who I've seen grow from a baby, into a beautiful young adult. Whole life in front of them and cancer happens. This isn't right or fair. We're all in such shock, anger is starting to raise its head, but we're too numb at the moment. I'm so dreadfully sorry to post on your page.

Cried reading this , sending you love

And so my darling boy, nearly 5 years after your death, your headstone is in place.

It looks very beautiful.

The quote sums up that even though you were here only a short time you lived a thousand adventures through your books.

You would have been thrilled to have challenged the CofE with regards the pulsar map on the back of your stone. But we got it through for you

You are in our hearts for evermore.

This was the last thing we could do for you.

Very mixed emotions.

I miss you.

Min - I can't believe it's nearly five years - just how long have they been for you?

I don't keep up here as much as I used to but every time I go to the sea (nearly every day) I think of you & Will & Alex & your girls & send love.

Min thinking of you in this pitiless month of February.

How can it be nearly five years? Just how do we carry on?

Sending love as always darling Min. XXX

5 years ago this was your last night at home. Tomorrow you thought you had a stroke and we headed off to hospital. Shingles took a hold of you and it was truly horrendous. We knew you were never going to survive this but as of tomorrow's date/anniversary we knew it was the end. 3 days in hospital and then we got you to a wonderful hospice to spend your last days and nights.

My heart was breaking as you knew what a hospice was. We tried so hard to give you the best death we could. We surrounded you with love and laughter. I told everyone who came to spend time with you that there were to be no tears. I wanted you to hear only laughter.

These dates are always hard. Brings back memories that are so very painful. And yet I choose not to forget them. How can I? Because even at the end you showed courage, bravery, strength, humour and humility. You faced your end with grace.

I love you. I miss you. Xx

you showed courage, bravery, strength, humour and humility.

And I am sure that was in no small part down to what a wonderful mother you are, Min.

Thinking of you, especially when I am by the sea.

Thank you @magimedi for thinking of me and my boys.

Five long years today. Memories of your last few days are excruciating. It doesn't get easier.

I've had a lovely few days in Lake Como. I promised myself that I will go to somewhere beautiful near to your anniversary. It soothes the soul a little.

Love you always Will. Miss you with every beat of my heart. Xxxx