How has grief changed you?

[alazuli]

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

Grief changed me forever. It's made my entire life take a different path. I have PTSD from the death of my Dad and so I fight every day to be me. It's not the me that I was before. It's a different me that is more aware of the bloody fragility of life. I'd love to say that makes me live it to the max. Sadly I spend just as many days feeling scared and anxious as I do feeling strong and capable.

lht22 - I've not experienced any manic days but I am really glad you had a nice night out. You deserve it! Shame it had to end on a bit of a downer though.

MrsEvadneCake - I am the same; so much more aware of how little time we have left on this world yet too scared and anxious about everything to take really live it to the full. It sucks!

Please can anyone recommend a grief counsellor in central London.

Specifically for lost of a parent if that matters.

Don't want to hijack a thread so please PM if you can help rather than answer here. I was only posting here as thought may be people who could help.

Alazuli it does suck. I don't like that this thread exists but on a night when my brain is being unhelpful it was nice to have somewhere to say what I felt.

for everyone who fights their anxiety day in day out.

Grief killed me too, I'm living in this body as a robot, going through the mindless routine until the Day that I'm lucky enough to die. nobody understands what it feels like, the crap people say to you to make themselves feel better is unbelievable. I never would wish this on anyone but the crap quotes and cliches really don't help. Just need people to respect that it's a pain worse than death and sadly most people never recover from it.

OP thank you so much for this thread. I have read most of the posts and so identify with many of the feelings/emotions expressed. I felt I was going mad until I read this.

I lost my DM in September 2012. She was my best friend. I am not the same person, I doubt I ever will be, it's all pointless. The 'friends' thing, yes I certainly found out who they were. I've withdrawn, and don't trust anyone with my feelings. There is no 'safe' place for me now. Some days I'm so low there is a physical pain in my stomach.

I'm so sorry for all our losses

I see no point in life. I'm only here because I have a small DD. My brother committed suicide and I think about joining him everyday.

I'm fundamentally a different person than I was before my fathers death
Complicated by then further bereavements and ill health
I used to feel like I walked on solid ground. Now I feel the sand is constantly shifting - everything is insubstantial and wrong
I can't see it ever changing tbh

I lost my lovely Mum this morning at 330am. Unexpected- 57 years old.

I have not hit grief yet (or indeed, it has not hit me). From reading this thread I am expecting to be knocked off my feet by it.

Tiredemma
I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you have people around to support you.
Sending love.

Pippone
I can completely understand that feeling. Hope you're doing ok today.

tiredemma

My heart goes out to you..I'm so very sorry

This is a safe place to share your feelings and emotions..when you're ready..

Tiredemma, there are no adequate words

I've had a few especially bad days recently. I was captivated by Steve Hewlett's reporting of his illness on the radio and his death stupidly knocked me for six. A complete stranger and yet so relatable and so touching in his sharing of his illness.

I've had to re-listen to some of the podcasts because I stupidly missed or didn't click that his illness was terminal. His death came as such a surprise. It took me back to when my mother died, which despite her cancer, was completely unexpected for me too. How could I have been so stupid, twice?

It will be 6 years since her death in a few weeks. I'm dreading the anniversary and like minmooch I am beginning to relieve the last weeks of her life. It's like a film constantly playing in the background - I don't want to watch it, but it's exhausting trying to ignore it.

Is it too late to have grief counselling? Can someone please tell me how would I go about getting it? I cynically think it won't help, but I'm reaching a stage where I can't imagine continuing like this.

tiredemma sending love and strength to you.

I lost my mum in an accident, whilst she was on holiday, nearly 2 years ago. She was my best friend and I miss her so much, every single day. The pain was immense and I had a big rock sitting in my chest, almost stopping me breathing.

It is like being in a small boat in a storm, to start the waves are so big that you think you will capsize and it takes all your energy to just stand. Over time, though, the waves subside and calm is restored on the sea.

The grief has changed me immensely, I am far more insular now and prone to staring into space. I am so lucky though to have amazing friends and family, who all miss her as much as I do, but are always there to hug me and listen. Also, I think our life has slowed down a lot, which is a good thing, and we spend a lot more valuable time together and I notice the little sparkles of life more than I did before.

It just hurts..

I am not sure what to believe, what the bigger picture is as why would this happen to my mum who was loved and needed by so many people.

I'm on meds for generalised anxiety and panic disorder. I live in constant fear, I beat myself up over crossing the road without being hyper aware of every car or not chewing properly because 'what if' and constantly catastrophise about these things happening to people I love. I self medicated with valium and alcohol and became morbidly obsessed over stories about people being buried alive and with ghost stories to the point where I must have seemed utterly psychotic. It's taken me down a rabbit hole.

So so sorry for all your losses. Jesus I'm in floods here.

I will never be the same again. It is that simple. Ever.

Thank you to everyone who has taken to the time to share their experiences. I'm so sorry that we all have to go through this pain. My anxiety seems to be getting better - I have setbacks sometimes. Other times I worry that I may not be dealing with my grief properly as it's almost like I put it aside because I was just too exhausted to deal with it and now I can't access it as readily as I thought I would be able to.