How has grief changed you?

[alazuli]

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

Living with stress (other types) sucks the life out of you too.

I forgot to say the instant freezing of my blood when I hear a siren or see an ambulance

This gets me too, we knew our son had died but I was in labour and very close to delivering him in the car so DH was speeding. We were pulled over by police and after DH explained they gave us a blue light escort direct to the hospital. I hate the sound of sirens even now and just think oh no.

I dread losing my parents but if I'm honest I wonder if it could be any worse than losing our son, he should never have died and that's what makes it hard.

I feel the same when my doorbell goes, I flashback to the night the police knocked on my door. I also can't wear the pyjamas I was wearing that night either.

I can't think of my dad's life as being complete, because it wasn't, he was 58 and still had lots of his life ahead of him. My DD was only 18 months, I feel like he was cheated out of so much. I do however recognise that I was lucky to have him for the 30 years that I did, and I try to focus on what we did get to do together, rather than all the things he'll be missing out on.

My mum was 49 and I all I can think about is what she's missing out on. And what my son, who she never met, is missing.

After reading some of these comments I realise I need to start remembering her for who she is and what she did/we did together. Maybe then I'll lose some of the bitterness.

Losing my Mum rocked me to my very core, as if the roots that anchored me had been pulled. I feel adrift. I am no longer the Mum that I was and wanted to be. I feel permanently scared and am so easily overwhelmed. I don't sleep well and have a terrible temper. Everything is such an effort. The ripples of her death have affected all the people that I love. Nothing is as it should be. It changed everything for the worse. Our relationship wasn't perfect but I miss her so much it actually makes my heart ache.

Thanks so much for all your replies. It makes me feel less like a freak for having these feelings of gnawing anxiety and depression. It looks like it's very normal. I'm sorry that so many of us are suffering.

I've just got back from a holiday alone and I have to say out of all the things I've tried to help myself in my grief this has been the best. In a way it was easier to grieve away from all the daily grudge of life here and it was nice to be reminded of how beautiful the world/life is. I'd really recommend it to all of you who are grieving still. I know many of you have families etc and it's not so easy for you but if you can, get away for a bit.

This thread has also made me realise that grief will always be part of my life but that's OK because that means my love for my mum will always be part of me too.

Big hugs to everyone. xx

I lost my mum last year and my dad three months later. I feel like I've been skinned. Every emotion is so close to the surface - utter sadness, quick temper. The smallest thing can set me off. I cry at fucking adverts. My friends have all proved to be pretty useless, which is another thing I'm grieving. And nobody really has much lasting sympathy for a 37-yr-old orphan. Kind of fair enough. For the people here who have lost children, I am deeply, deeply sorry.

But... I see people out with their parent(s) and think I wish they would die. I wish the parents of my friends would die. I find it unfair that my DPs recklessly unhealthy parents are still alive. I am someone regularly filled with bad thoughts.

I regret so much - the times I took them for granted and never called or replied to their messages, not having children earlier so they could have been the brilliant grandparents I know they would have been, all the things I couldn't do for them, all the things we'll never do together. I am super-anxious. And sad.

I feel like I should have done something epic or life-changing to mark losing them but I've gone back to my "normal" life, even though everything has changed.

What I've come to realise is that the rest of my life has been spoiled. Not ruined, but there's just a dampener on everything. Day-to-day I function pretty well and I have happy times but there's always an underlying layer of sadness that they can't be shared with my mum and dad. I don't think I enjoy my 2yr old DD as much as I should. I think of my old self and she feels like a stranger - her life was blessed and easy. She had no idea. Sometimes I think this is the problem - that most of us are so lucky to have had pretty good lives until experiencing the pain of bereavement. If we'd lived in different times, or in a different country, maybe we'd be better-prepared for how shit life can be.

Wish I could say more positive things. Both my parents would be absolutely furious to hear me talking like this.

My brother committed suicide in October. I'm still in a state of total shock and I ask myself 'why us?'. Nothing bad ever happens in my family.

I'm depressed, anxious and short tempered. Life seems so surreal at times I wonder if I'm even living.

I don't know what life has in store for me next. I sometimes think someone else will go, DD, mum or it could be me. Life seems very unpredictable and I hate it.

Grief has really sobered me up, and made me realise that life is inherently sad. it's also shown me that sadness can be a beautiful thing that connects us all.

I've also learnt that life is random, and very unfair. Like you OP, I used to believe in a sort of natural equilibrium, but that's gone.

I lost my son aged 18 to cancer nearly 3 years ago after nursing him through27 months of horrendous treatment. I lost my mum a year later aged 72 to cancer.

I feel I veer manically between extreme rage at how much my son had to suffer and the lost opportunities he had, to extreme happiness ( possibly hysteria) as I try and make life good for my other son (and a bit for me).

I'm angry that I have no space for grief for my mum as I'm still full of grief for my child.

I think to some extent I have ptsd watching my son suffer so. I'm full of guilt begging for his suffering to be over.

I think the biggest change is this feeling of exhaustion. All the time. Every single second of the day. It is exhausting trying to live alongside grief.

I dont think I'm a better person for it, I'm not stronger, because I was before. I can't see any any positives that have come out of it.

Yet I still love life and want to live. The exhaustion is the biggest obstacle but I guess that comes from holding it all together for everyone. Yet I'm too frightened to let it go.

Condolences to all.
Words, what to write.....
Grief has certainly changed me too. Good things have come out of it, I try and hold on to that mostly, as others have mentioned, having more empathy/understanding towards others, counting my blessings.
I know it's not for everyone but I believe we're here to learn lesson good and bad and keep coming back until they're learnt.

minmooch
Your words really resonated with me. It is absolutely exhausting trying to keep a lid on everything. Since DS died we have had so much to do sorting out his affairs, planning the funeral, dealing with the police and the coroner's office. We have had so many other things going on at the same time - none of which can be delayed or put off. My other children have needed a lot of support.

The sheer effort of putting on a brave face/calm exterior is so hard. I have become fearful that if I allow a chink to appear in the armour I will start crying and never stop. So I keep on keeping busy and get more and more worn out.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for everything you and your poor boy went through.

I bobbed along through life full of positivity and excitement for tomorrow and then my dear mother in law who I was incredibly close to was diagnosed with cancer and I helped nurse her for 4months up until her last breath. It has changed me. I'm so afraid of losing those I love. I cry easily, I hear her name and I start to well up, I think about my children growing up without her and I fall apart. Watching someone slip away infront of you has most definitely changed me. I still have this positive persona to everyone else but inside, privately I'm a changed person.

I regularly feel empty.

Had a missed miscarriage years ago and I've never been 'right' since. I was outgoing, hands on with niece/nephew. Now I can't make plans beyond the following week. Several friendships and important relationships have suffered.

I have found this thread helpful - I feel under pressure not to 'let' grief get the better of me but it has changed me beyond all repair. God knows what will happen when people in my family who I did get to meet die.

I've been thinking about this thread today after I made my comment this morning. One comment from another poster patriciathestripper1 about how they felt life was like a pebble being dropped into a bucket of water and when the ripples stop that's the end you're gone. But those ripples in your life that you made, mean something to the people you touch going through your life, good or bad. In the most part we can choose to make those ripples positive or negative, surely the positive is the way to go.

So much more heavy hearted - as if literally there is now something heavy inside to carry around all the time.

to all who are grieving

Since my DH died suddenly nearly six months ago, I find that all my worst inherent characteristics have become exaggerated: I'm always within an ace of anger, jump to uncharitable conclusions, fear the worst, catastrophise, worry, worry, worry about money.

Separately, I've started to sigh again and a bit of trudging comes on at times, all classic grieving, I know.

Everyone says I'm doing so well.

I can't remember the last time someone asked me how I was feeling about my DH's death.

I realise that this should really have been posted in the thread about fairly recent bereavements.

Still.

My mum stole all the grief; it was only her husband that died and not my dad. If I was ever upset I'd be shouted at" what are you upset for???". It was all about my mum. There was nothing for us kids. It's as if nothing did happen to me as nobody acknowledged it. Really strange.

I couldn't help but to delurk to tell you I could have written this. My father died suddenly when I was 11yrs old and this speaks to my own experience. My mother once slapped my face screamed at me that I didn't understand all she had lost. When I cried out that I'd lost my father too she wailed "BUT I lost my husband"....as if it was a competition. To this day she erases my story by frequently announcing I was really too young to remember anything, not really. It is deeply disrespectful IMO.

Anyway, I wanted to say I empathize

Grief has taught me to not trust happiness which is an anxiety ridden burden of a personality trait

When my mum died my grief was exactly how I expected it to be - tearful and desperately missing her for many years. She was 59 and It made me think life's too short and I changed my life to do less of what didn't make me happy.

But when my husband died it was and continues to be totally different. He was too young at 39 to die, his death was sudden and painful and uncontrolled. I can tell apart when I'm crying for the loss of my mum or my husband. I feel that the children and I have been robbed of so much happiness and we all have a hole in our lives where he should be but I feel that I alone have lost my future. The children will grow up, fall in love and have families of their own but my plan was to grow old with him and watch this happen and now with every milestone and achievement I feel another bit of me dies. I feel like the ice queen - I see lovely things happen to people and momentarily the old me is there with a genuine happiness for them. But that is fleeting and the grief in me takes an icy hold. It's not so much wishing anyone ill or wanting them to experience my pain it's just a cold nothing.

The grief at losing my husband I think has magnified and heightened all the bad things about me and brought my insecurities to the surface. Life has become a battle. I feel like I've become a split person constantly fighting with myself not to let the ice queen win. Privately I'm cynical and often bitter and paranoid and I torture myself over analysing people's behaviour towards me. I think people who were friends are bored of me missing him or mentioning him anecdotally. My tolerance switch has definitely been flicked to off and I'm great at ignoring people's attention seeking dramas over nothing and I seethe at people who whinge about missing their husbands because they are away for a few days, weeks and even months. Basically I'm a bitch. Outwardly I laugh, I'm quick witted and I'm doing a great job in finding the good in things and encouraging with every ounce of my being my children to grow with love and laughter in their lives. But God I could repeatedly punch people who tell me I'm an inspiration, I consider almost everyone to be disingenuous and I want to scream " things don't always happen for a reason" A LOT.

My grief has ultimately exhausted me.

Grief has taught me to not trust happiness which is an anxiety ridden burden of a personality trait

That's so sad Fix, I don't think happiness is a permanent thing, we just have to make the most of it when we have it. I hope you can find a way through this. Best wishes.

echt your feelings count equally whether your bereavement was 6 days, 6 months or 6 years (or 60 years) ago. I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for everyone's losses.

I want to share that I am also completely intolerant of people, generally, but also I am ashamed to say unsympathetic (understatement) when people liken or compare the death of a young person or child to an old person. Sorry but it is NOT the same and it DOESN'T help when you do this!!

Like someone else said, I'm a bitch. :-(

I wasnt aiming my comment at anyone here btw, as this is a safe and anonymous outlet. Talking about those in RL.

Thank you OP for starting this thread. I think we are all finding it therapeutic and it is helpful to read other peoples words that describe maybe some feelings we hadn't been able to describe or admit to ourselves.