How has grief changed you?

[alazuli]

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

Thanks for this thread Alazuli
Seaweed good point- I can relate to every post on this thread, its nice to feel that we speak the same language on here which is something.
Just so sorry we've all gone/still going through it x

I've grown up with grief, so I don't know how it's changed it me. I know I was a very naive person and thought the best in everyone. Never understood bitchiness and sly personalities as I always thought everyone was nice. Grief has made me doubt people, I don't let people into my life unless I've "tested" them out and they're trustworthy. I keep up a barrier around me. I'm very defensive. It's made me angry and at my lowest jealous and bitter.

Mines got worse with time i think. I used to be content with the good things and bad things that happened to me too; it was "what was meant to be". Not anymore. Life is shit. Good things happen to shit people. Good people continue to be trodden over and be shat upon. That's how I feel these days.

I lost someone close to suicide when I was 20.

I decided that I would never attach myself to anyone emotionally again. The pain was almost physical. I decided there would be no husband, no children, I would cut off.

That never went to plan, thankfully, in fact the opposite. But I am much more aware of suicide now, I plan to somehow have a conversation with my DS's at some point about mental health, and the thought of them feeling suicidal terrifies me more than anything else.

I lost my mum and dad to cancer last year. They died exactly 6 months apart.
I can honestly say that I don't know myself any more. The person before has totally gone. It's having a massive effect in my oh and dd's.

If anything, I love life more, for losing my DH. As a wiser MNer than me says - They died. We didn't.

I want life in all its abundance. Not to join him by dying inside. Not to live only for our children. Death has stolen too much from me already. I choose to live, not face the end of love and laughter.

And some of that abundance is the agonising pain of grieving for him. Learning to give into that and just feel - accepting the pain as part of the package of loving him and being loved by him.

for all of you are are struggling.

I am more honest, full of anger, and disappointed that life is so shallow

I'm so much more tired. I get ill a lot more - when mum died I think I was so run down from caring for her it all just seemed to manifest physically- I got infections in places I didn't know it was possible to have them, and seemed to have a never ending cold plus constantly going down with d+v. Now nearly 4 years on, I still don't seem to have much of an immune system.

Exhausted, anxious and irritable, as a pp said I just don't have that lightness that other people had. I find it hard to be optimistic or excited about things. I lost my birth parents, all grandparents, beloved aunts and uncles, my adopted dad, and had a spectacularly shit/painful break up with my fiancé I'd been with for 12 years, a week before our wedding. All of that felt bearable because I had my (adoptive) mum. Losing her felt like the final straw and I honestly thought I might as well just die too. The fact I've kept going and kept it together reasonably well has shown me I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for, and sometimes I feel proud of that and take comfort in the fact that I had a mum special enough to teach me how to survive without her. Other times I just rail at how unfair it all is and feel incredibly bitter towards people who haven't had to go through it.

Mostly I try quite hard not to feel too much of anything at all, because whatever it is I'm feeling upset/worried/scared/or even happy about you can guarantee it's only 30 seconds away from my grief and how much I miss my mum stabbing me right in the chest again.

Wish I could say it had made me warmer and more sympathetic but actually it's the opposite, mostly people just irritate me.

Things that used to be important to me like getting married etc seem a bit pointless without mum to share it. Sometimes the future just seems like a long list of all the people I'm going to lose next. I find myself wondering who it will be. I wake up in the night convinced my beloved dog has died and have to check.

Gosh, I sound a barrel of laughs. I've gotten quite good at plastering a 'normal' life/appearance over the top of all that, but it's all still there and sometimes it threatens to overwhelm.

Oh, I also get panicky (used to be full blown panic attacks but I'm getting better at managing) whenever I see/hear an ambulance so that's fun.

Good changes (well I mean nothing about losing mum is good but you know what I mean) - much closer to my sisters and appreciative of my immediate family in general, know who my real friends are and spend less time worrying about anyone who doesn't fall in that category, am in therapy which feels really wanky to say but was probably long overdue. Oh, and drink less because I know it inevitably ends in tears.

Forgot about the panic and bolt of adrenaline that starts when I see or hear blue lights. My throat physically closes up and I can't breath.

You'd never know any of this if you met me. You'd just think I had my shit together. Just shows how wrong we can be about people.

Both my parents are dead, and with each death I was robbed of a lot of resilience. My mother's death left me with horrific anxiety. It has abated somewhat but my "new normal" is far more anxious.
I get terrified of losing someone else I love - DH works abroad a lot and sometimes if I don't hear from him I get beside myself with crushing physical fear.
And I feel like one of the lucky ones at this point in time, I know too many people who have lost spouses or children. I feel very cynical now when people say that things will work out or be okay in the end, because for some people, their lives have changed for the significant worse and the pain doesn't get better so where is their happy ending and things working out?

'Ive just started psychotherapy and I know it's going to be a long and extremely painful and hard journey'

My experience of psychotherapy has been all of those things, but also by far the best thing I have ever done for myself. It put me in touch with all the feelings I had learned to shut down and hide away, and I am a much calmer and more stable person for it. It's very tough but well worth it. Good for you x

Abecedario, my immune system isn't great either, I often come down with colds etc. I hadn't thought that it might be related to grief but it may be. Very tired too, need a lot of sleep and rarely feel fully rested

I do agree with the 'spikes' of grief . I have never heard that before but it is so apt.My dad was sick throughout my teenage years, and died when my children were 2 and 6 months.

For years I did not cry or grieve because I told myself that it would break his heart to see me unhappy. I had an awful mother who sucked the very life out of me. I tried to live my life in exactly the way he would have wanted me to. It took a long time to realise that the suppression of grief was a bad thing.

He was a wonderful father, he would have loved being a grandad.. All of my many cousins worshipped him. Now a new feeling is creeping up on me as my children are approaching the age he was when he died. I think it brings home to me how young he was.

I read a thread earlier where someone thank MN. I too am grateful because this is my only outlet where I can talk about my grief and gain understanding.

I'm not the same person I was before, I had to identify my dad's body..how can I be the same after that. It'. made me feel unsettled, like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any point.

I am constantly exhausted, I think it's the pretending to be ok all the time. I find socialising hard, especially with new people and making small talk is beyond me (maybe because there's too much going on in my head). And there's a constant fear that something will happen to my mum.

But everyone keeps telling me I'm doing really well, so I guess grief has made me a great actress...!

I can't remember a 'before' me. My brother was killed by a drugged driver when I was 18 (three months after me and DH got married). and he was 24. I didn't have children then but when I had my first 3 years later I was so over protective (normal first time parent) but I would get hysterical if I thought my husband hadn't washed his hands properly after a bathroom visit. None of my four are allowed on overnight school trips. I struggle to allow other people to drive them anywhere so I do all the drop off/collections etc. I'm generally very panicky if they're sick, or hurt themselves. It can't be a simple virus it has to be something that will kill them. Would I have been a different parent? Probably. Do I get criticised for it? Yes, most definitely. My husband (their dad) keeps me grounded, overrules me sometimes so they're well rounded kids and now the older two are teenagers are very reassuring to me. They know I struggle. My husband was in the army for 16 years so away a lot and I was in Germany without family so this had a knock on affect too. I've always been a SAHM too as I couldn't mentally cope with leaving them in case something happened.

My first baby was stillborn last year. It made me realise what heartbreak really feels like.

Waking every day with a gaping hole is a feeling i wish i never had to experience.

Wondering constantly what he would have been like.

But, on the plus side, it has made me more caring. More aware of other people. More fearless. Given me a confidence to do things i want to do. Made me realise that time really is a healer.

I'm different so much different. There is a new normal for me now.

Grief has made me less carefree but that also makes me value life so much more.

It has made me live by the outlook of, would I be ok with this situation/relationship if I never saw them again?

This makes me say the things I need to say (usually I love you or I'm sorry) and pick battles very carefully.

I accept now that people die. And death is brutal.

I accept I can't change death. It is inevitable.

Even the horrific experience of losing a loved young person to suicide. Yes, hindsight is wonderful and you might (definitely) say it was preventable. But the information everyone had at the time..it just wasn't preventable because no one knew how he felt. No one. The clarity of hindsight is so painful in that circumstance but I trust and know that if anyone could have prevented it, they would have.

And that goes back to the acceptance that death is brutal, final and out of your control. And back to my life motto now to leave each day comfortable with where I am with the people in my life because I can't control death, and have to accept it is part of life.

Grief has turned me into an empty shell.

Before we lost our baby I was a very positive and outgoing person. I enjoyed my job, enjoyed going out with friends, had the perfect relationship with DP and my DC.
Now I cannot bring myself to do anything. I get very anxious about going out and usually cancel at the last minute. DP and I are hanging on by a thread, despite adoring eachother. I look at my DC in a new way, like I don't ever want them to grow up.
I don't enjoy anything anymore and most things make me sob. I can't look at pregnant women or newborns anymore without dying inside.

Grief has fucked me and my life up.
It has also taught me that my family and DP's family are not on our side. It has caused a huge rift and I now look at them wondering how they can be so incompassionate.
If my DC ever go through what I have done, I would be there for them every single step of the way. I wouldn't silence them or hurry them into getting back to normal like DP's family and my family have done.

frazzle i dont know what happened but can definitely say i have experienced much of those same things.

Dp and i are just starting to come out the other side but for a long time a doubted us. Family never speak of our son unless i do. The majority of them never go to his grave. A lot thing another child will take away all the pain. People really have no idea. It is a loss like no other.

I agree with everyone about the anxiety. The fact that something horrific has happened (my 27 year old son died suddenly) means that it could easily happen again. I am fearful that something could happen to my other DC or my DH.
I have lost my confidence.
I have realised who my real friends are.
My life will never be the same.
My short term memory is dreadful and my physical health is deteriorating very fast.

wowwee We lost our baby to a missed miscarriage in Feb, then we lost another (early on) naturally in May.

I am desperate to try again but DP says no, not yet and maybe not ever.
Like you say, It really is a loss like no other and not being able to fill that void by trying again has pretty much killed me and our relationship. I have two DC from previous marriage so a lot of people say I should be grateful for them, but when a child is taken from you to brutally, that does not help.

I am so sorry you have experienced such heartache too, but pleased you are starting to come out the other side as a couple. We are trying to come to an arrangement with Relate to get help but they are being difficult and it is so expensive. I don't know what to do to save us.
I know having another child will bring me out of this shitstorm, but DP refuses (financial reasons). He therefore feels he is causing my pain.

It's fucking shit.

Grief has taken my very soul. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I have ptsd, suffer with crippling anxiety, depression, I barely sleep, I live in constant fear of life. It's as simple as that. I cannot cope with normal day to day "ups and downs" and worry obsessively about my children. I am under extreme pressure from my parents to "come to terms with it and move on" as they put it. They are in their 80s and still have each other. My husband was ripped away from me and our children when he had just turned 51. I am angry, intolerant of people moaning about trivia, and I find it impossible to make small talk with people. My head is too full of important stuff. I am way more sympathetic and understanding towards other people who are suffering in this way though and would reach out to anyone going through this. In our society, we must not talk about it, it has to be swept under the carpet and we have to "move on". The strain of trying to keep a brave face is utterly draining and exhausting, mentally and physically. I have recently been diagnosed with ME thought to have been triggered by the trauma of my husband's illness and subsequent death.

I know I will never, ever feel true peace, contentment or happiness again. I feel completely empty and hollow.

I had 4 miscarriages in a row just as I thought I was getting over my mum's death. Those knocked me for 6 and it's been almost 6 years since my last miscarriage. I don't make plans or look forward to things anymore. If I plan something I'm on tenterhooks that something bad will happen right up until the day and then I stress and wait for something bad to happen on the day. If I have a period of good times, I wait for something bad to happen because I can't be happy.

My mothers funeral was exactly one week ago. She died suddenly, unexpectedly, completely without warning. I had phone calm on Monday evening to say she was unwell in hospital, by the time I got there she was barely conscious, unable to speak, and I never heard her voice again. She died early on Tuesday morning as the sun rose, of sepsis and I feel completely broken in two.
I know it's too soon to say how it's changed me or even how I'm coping but I feel like a fucking idiot. Wafting through life believing bad things didn't happen to good people, that what happened to my mum onlg really happened to people in 'take a break' magazine. That as a family we were untouchable, immune to tragedy. How wrong I was.
She was 61, an amazing woman, a nurse for 30 years, the best mum we could have asked for and my grief is two fold because my children have lost their nanny who they loved and worshipped, who i thought would be an amazing influence tobrhem throughout their childhood and into adulthood, but no.
I cry all the time, I'm angry, irritable etc but mostly I just feel utter despair that I will never see her again. I'm haunted by her dying breaths and how she looked at the end, and I just can't find a moments peace.

A lot of people have mentioned the anxiety that can come with an unexpected death or when someone dies young in particular. My mum died aged 58 almost 2 years ago of cancer after a very long and difficult illness.

I think the biggest impact (apart from the obvious fact she is no longer here) is that it burst my 'it can never happen to me' bubble. That bit of you that believes, however illogically that bad things only really happen to other people. It is a delusion of course, but it is a delusion that helps us survive in an uncertain world and one that is vital to our ability to be happy and content and just keep going. When it was taken from me I felt like if one terrible and unthinkable event could happen to me then anything could. I was terrified of something happening to dh or dd. I couldn't watch films with bad things happening to people. I was incredibly anxious about everything.

It has taken 2 years and quite a bit of CBT for me to get passed that anxiety and start to repair my 'it can never happen to me' bubble. I still feel as if the way I see the world is now fundamentally changed from how I saw things before my mother became ill. It is like everything shifted sideways a bit. However hard I try I will never be able to turn that back and see things in the same way I did before.

On the plus side having that connection with my own mortality and being with someone who knows they are dieing has made be think much more about my life and what I want from it. It has made me value the time I have with dh and dd more. It has made me stop and experience things around me. I will never forget my mother suddenly stoping in the street and gasping is awe at a tree in bloom, knowing thay this would be the last spring she ever saw.

I have decided to change career from something that is well paid but I don't really get personal satisfaction from to something that is paid much less but I believe I will find more fulfilling. Suddenly the money doesn't seem nearly as important as feeling like I am doing something valuable with my life.

I think it is misleading to see grief as something that goes from one neat stage to another. It is a tangled and difficult process, full of conflicting emotions at each step. On some ways I am now more content with my life and certain of what I want then ever, on the other hand sometimes the pain of losing my mother hits me like a lightening bolt from the blue. It is such a strange and personal thing.

jeepers I can relate to that. After Mum died, I'd wake up in the night and stand outside my dads room and listen to make sure he was breathing. Every spare second I'd get I'd hope and pray my dad had a long life. Then when I had my kids, I'd touch them through the night to make sure they were alive. I still do it now, and they're 9, 4 and 3.

I'm really sorry for your loss what. That must've been devastating. I'm still haunted by how I walked into the room when my mum had passed away. There was a lot of screaming from my dad and sister that I can't ever stop hearing. That was almost 17 years ago. You never forget, but the intensity with which you remember gently gets less. I had a lot of nightmares and dreams after she died. Suffered from PTS and vomiting. that gradually stopped after a year.

I agree with those who say it changed their outlook. What happened to my dad is something you read about happening to other people in newspapers. I never dreamed something like this would shatter our lives.

Now I'm scared we're 'those people' the ones who seem to get the bad luck and not get a break.