How has grief changed you?

[alazuli]

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

I lost my younger sister 2.5 years ago. She was 23. It was sudden and unexpected.

Since then I have become serious and hard. I don't laugh and if I do it feels empty and fake. My OH has been pushed away. He thinks I am no fun anymore, I'm too serious. He has never lost anyone he is close to and I'm glad for that.

I have since had a daughter and am pregnant again. I feel guilty that I won't be that light carefree person for them. My sister will never get to meet my children. I will never get to meet hers. That person who shares my past and was meant to share my future is gone. When my parents die, I will be the only one who remembers.

Then I look at my parents and cannot begin to contemplate their immeasurable grief. It hurts to know I cannot help them. I cannot talk to them. How can I explain how I feel when they have lost a child so now I think they think I am cold and have 'moved on'.

Life cannot go back, it's just a new normal. What other choice is there?

I'm so sorry for all the losses shared on this thread. I lost my DH last year - he was in his forties and we have three children. My experience at the moment is that my world is divided into two groups of people - those who get it, who have stuck with me, who understand that my grief is actually more intense now, 18 months on, than when DH died and I was utterly in shock - and those who have moved on, who don't mention DH any more, who ask me brightly how my week's been and clearly don't want to hear what it's really been like. I know that sounds cynical, and many of the people in the latter camp probably have no idea how hurt I feel, but it's simply that they don't 'get it'.

1234hello I really get what you say about comparing different losses. Everyone's grief is real and different, and to lose an elderly person is terrible and devastating. But - soon after DH died, leaving me and my three young children with huge changes to face including having to move house, me having to change job etc etc, I was visited by a Bereavement Volunteer from our local hospice. She was a kind lady in her 50's who had started volunteering after she lost her elderly mother. But when she started talking about her own loss and saying that she knew how I felt, I'm afraid I stopped wanting to see her. Her loss was not the same as mine, and equating the two made me feel even more isolated and alone.

Grief has made me afraid. Because two of the "never going to happen to me" losses, have. A friend went missing and was found dismembered 18 months later. It felt like grief was on hold at first, because there was anger and a need for justice. After the trial it was awful because we suddenly had to think about what had happened to her, and the enormity of it all. 8 years later it's still very raw.
Then my best friend died suddenly before Christmas a few years ago, no warning, no symptoms, she just stopped breathing. I hate Christmas, the lights, the smells, the songs, all of it reminds me of when she died. I still get up compulsively through the night to check my kids and DP are breathing. I still pick up the phone and go to dial her number and then I remember.
Grief made me numb, to protect myself I think. I don't know how to get to the next stage.
for all of you, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I feel mote like Somerville. My baby son, unwell and born too soon died after I knew him for just a few hours. I can still look down and see his tiny face and tiny hand. 19 years on and as one of the lucky ones who had a perfect baby 51 weeks later I came to terms with it but will never get over it. I stood between two grown men shedding tears at the funeral of a 47 year old woman. I could not cry; my son entered that chapel so long ago.

I am strong and largely have a charmed life but I wear a mask and always did. There is no hierarchy of grief.

Death is the exception now before old age and has become the last taboo; it needs and its impacts need to to be revealed and better supported.

I am sorry to hear of the suffering on this thread. Death is the stealer of joy and peace but healing helps and society must do more to facilitate the healing. With love

You're welcome, 1234. I'm touched that this thread is helping you. Also, when my mum died, one of my friends said she knew how I felt because of how she felt when her pet rabbit died!! So I hear you about people comparing deaths.

SVJAA - that's horrific what happened to your friend. I'm so sorry!

OhTheRoses - I agree with you. Bereavement and grief is almost swept under the carpet after the funeral. You're expected to just get on with your life straight away. If you broke your leg, you'd be given weeks/months to recover, not so with a broken heart. And the death of someone close to you is the most traumatic thing that can happen to you.

This thread has been so cathartic for me thank you alazuli for starting it.

I wish every grief counselor and CBT therapist could read it!!

I've just had 12 weeks of CBT and whilst I know the cause of my anxieties and worries has been from my mum dying, but when I tried to discuss this with various therapists, it was mostly ignored, like it was a natural thing that doesnt really impact you too much.

Reading all the posts here has proved that to be wrong and I dont feel like an utter weirdo now for feeling how I feel. So thanks everyone.

Her loss was not the same as mine, and equating the two made me feel even more isolated and alone.

I lost my DM too young, not elderly but would still never compare it to a family with 3 young children losing their father/ husband, it's another level .

I've had from people though that's it is the same in relation to grief whatever the age of the person. My Dad whose mum died at 93 but lost his Dad at 62 says that's utter bollocks having been through both scenarios. I grieve when my children do things/ grow because she should be here, I grieve for the fact she wants to be here with us, and should be. But you can never tell what others are going through in another way if I did not have my own family it would be much much worse, so perhaps the volunteer felt very very alone

In answer to the OP I think I realise that grief never really goes away it just stays with you, for years and years. I have learnt that you have to make the most of life and live for the moment. It has made me incapable of walking round a supermarket with crying. It has made me see elderly people as lucky as the rest of us don't know if we will make it. I now feel middle aged not young, I accept I may well only live another 20 years and as long as I do at least my children will be adults. It's made me cynical about pensions.....!

Supermarket with Christmas music without crying I mean.....

alazuli thank you for starting this thread, it's really helped to all who are grieving

Place marking for later

'It's made me cynical about pensions.....!'

Yes, I totally get that Basicbrown! I've always been really good at saving but now part of me thinks, well, I can't take it with me! I also look at my future in terms of how old my mum was when she died so that gives me just over 20 years. It doesn't seem like a lot.

ssd - I've applied for CBT via the NHS and I'm still waiting! It's been 2/3 months now. I also started counselling with Cruse but then had to give that up because I couldn't fit it in with my work rota. I just want some help dammit!

Aw, thanks SVJAA. It's really helped me too!

I lost my dear dad 3 years ago, it was expected and I was able to be with him and the rest of the family. I always felt that If I was not so far away I would have greived more, if that makes any sense. Fast forward to this year, lost best friend, mother in law and to add insult to injury, dear old cat. I find that I am quite unable to recover the losses.

Life now seems so very pressing, very worrying, and so very exhausting. I am constantly tired. Sleep does not seem to be long enough It also feels just wrong to be having any fun, but then I have strong sense of urgency to do things because life is short.

My daughter hit the nail on the head - she asked "where have you gone?" and I actually feel like I've lost me. That me is no longer. All that future planning and imaging our old age has just gone. Somewhere. Now there is someone who just misses. Misses them so very dreadfully. I am just a breath away from tears most of the time.

Thanks for this thread. Has been very difficult to read through the tears.

Grieved.

I had counselling with Cruse, as well as CBT.

Anything is worth trying, as its different strokes for different folks, but for me the only thing that is helping is time.

I told the guy at cruse that after the first session, I was angry, as I'd been so desperate to feel better and i thought he'd say something to make me feel better, as he was a counselor and knew about this stuff!! But he said the answers are within you, they come from you, not from me....I'm still figuring them out, 4 years later...

I realise my earlier post was full of anger, which of course is one of the emotions within the greiving process.

But I am more peaceful today and it is better when one can get to a more accepting place.

I recoginise that feeling described upthread of being so sad and empty but at the same time also trying desperately to make life better for your loved ones and yourself that are left behind.

I have just ordered a book called Facing the Storm by Ray Owen. Might not be for everyone but thought I'd mention it even though I havent read it myself yet.

Thinking of you all at this difficult time. Feels weird to think of last Christmas as we knew it would be the last one we'd have with our mum and now she's no longer here.

1234 - I just read a children's book called A Monster Calls. I've started many other books about grief but not been able to finish them. This was by far the best one.

I know it won't be a happy Christmas for many of us but I hope we all get through it OK.

xx

Thanks alazuli . Also thinking of everyone at this difficult time. X

Thought you all might appreciate this article: www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/03/we-dont-lose-our-mothers-reality-more-violent-that-that?CMP=fb_gu

Thank you for the article alazuli Reading some of those words I thought 'I get that' because I've been there and that's the thing. If you've been there you don't need to explain how it makes you feel to people who have also been there. They get it and so do you.

People who haven't been there can't understand. Everything changes and it will never be the same again.

alazuli I'm sure you know, but in case you don't....there's a film of A Monster Calls out now. And it's brilliant.

Fabellini - I do! I've not seen it yet but I'm planning to - alone. I'm sure I'm going to be sobbing all the way through. I read the book and it's the only book about grief that I've managed to read all the way through (not hard as it's a kids book!). All the others I never finished.

It's amazing how a children's book so perfectly encapsulates that guilt you feel that only someone who has cared for a loved one with a terminal illness can feel.

I've become cynical, angry, easily upset, prone to extreme mood swings, anxious, depressed, forgetful, needy and lonely. Grief is just a total bastard.

Absolutely this and many other comments are so familiar to me. My mother died 9 years ago and I feel worse than ever now. It was like losing my anchor and being adrift. Further bereavements and a redundancy were like a kick in the gut. I feel like I've lost the capacity to feel, or to be really happy. I function on a day to day level but not much more. I still find love and enjoyment with my children but everything is such an effort, it is exhausting. I've just started counselling again, I really need it. I've lost friends and my relationship with my OH is pretty non-existent, except on a practical level.
I hope the counselling will help me get something back. During the first session, she said I'd gone through a lot of loss in my life, yes, it's been a fair old amount of people since my teens, but I'm sure that happens to most people by the time the reach their 50s and older family die, so I don't understand how it is that I can't cope better. Or is everyone walking around feeling the same and hiding it?

Bagel - I think most people are hiding it. I know on the outside I probably seem completely OK even though it's not been that long since my mum died. Even to my close friends. Mainly because I don't talk to them about it. It's almost like where do I start? They can't understand because their parents are alive.

I talk to them about other stuff in my life that's worrying me because it's easier when really the real cause is the anxiety over my mum's death. They keep on telling me to live in the present and be more positive but how can I do that when my mum's dead?

I'm so sorry you've had to experience so much loss. I hope counselling helps. I'm about to start CBT soon.

I agree - I think people are hiding it. I hope those starting or having counselling find that it helps. I have found it helps you understand and make sense of feelings and find ways to cope with the feelings but the feelings themselves are still there (obviously really).

I'm having an "its not fair" day, along with just plain old sadness. But I am able to be grateful for other things and function fairly well so that's got to be a plus.