How has grief changed you?

[alazuli]

Before my mum died I always believed everything happened for a reason even bad things and that the universe had your back and it would all turn out for the best. Now... I can't see how my mum dying can ever have an upside or teach me something positive. I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.

If anything it's taught me that bad things happen for no good reason and the world just keeps on turning.

I think it takes an innocence away. I know that I live life waiting for things to go wrong now, which is sad. And really it should be the other way round.

There was a programme on last night about children on the edge, and girls who self harm.

There was a young girl who was an orphan who was being labelled with all sorts of psychiatric and behavioural issues.

It struck me she was actually 'just' deep in grief from losing her mum aged 12.

I wasn't a child when I was bereaved.
I can only imagine how utterly crushing it must be for a child to have to go through it. Jesus.

I have horrendous health anxiety since my daughter died in 1998:

When my very close relative died in 2014 it made me appreciate my family a lot more and I stopped been a meek little mouse and learnt how to stand up for myself as I realised life really is too short.

I forgot to say the instant freezing of my blood when I hear a siren or see an ambulance

If anyone is finding it hard to cope with the anxiety, propanalol have really helped me get through the last few months.

This thread is hard to read. I lost my dad unexpectedly in June. I have mostly 'succeeded' in not feeling much. Then I get flashes of remembering that he is gone. I could be brushing my teeth then' bam' a punch in the guts that winds me, utter disbelief and terror he is gone. Then I shut down again, the pain is too much to bear.
I too am exhausted, anxious, on edge, searching for some sort of peace but restless, constantly on the move and at the same time too tired to carry on.
I cannot accept his loss.
I want this to stop.

Somerville. I love your outlook. In some ways, suffering grief at an early age changed my life for the better. I embrace life and treat it as precious.

I struggle sometimes and I am scared of my children dying before me, especially from mental illness. But I feel my life is now in perspective and I am a kinder person for it. I know I'll have to grieve again one day, but I know now it's a part of life.

Grief has made me really see how short life is.

I am not stronger, I feel broken down inside, sometimes, not all the time.

I am terrified of dying.

Today is not a good day, it would've been my DM birthday.

After my dad died it took me about 3 years to get to a place where I could kind of act on all the stuff that had upset me.
I worked out a plan to be mortgage free by 50 so we can spend our 50s travelling not putting it off until retirement that may never come. I decided to try for another baby. I did a masters degree.
It also made me grow up properly and know that as long as you have your health and your kids nothing else matters

The thing that helped me most was a phrase in a book

" view their life as complete"
I did this when I was missing him most. I would agonise over feeling he was missing things such as the kids school plays or a meal or a film. Reminding myself that his life was complete and knowing that it was me missing him helped somehow.

Grief has changed me completely . I am no longer the person who will give you a hug and tell you things will be ok . I have no idea if they will be and in my head I always expect they won't .

My naivety and innocence has gone forever .

I am 15 yrs to the day down this crappy road and I still feel exhausted with it sometimes .

bigbuttons - I know. It is like being in a nightmare and unable to wake up.

Bigbuttons I know that feeling. Almost 4 years later I'm still the same. I think about my mum every day - if I see clothes she'd like, a movie we'd see together, a song that reminds me of her etc. but the moment is always short because my brain automatically changes my train of thought to something else. The pain of it all is too much for my heart and body to stand. If I really stop to think about her I break down completely so I try not to - and that fills me with so much guilt.

I'm the opposite and this is what worries me. I never overtly think about him. Its like he never existed. I've filed the pain away somewhere so deep and all memories of him. I don't think it's healthy.

Grief taught me that asking for help and support is ok.

It taught me that my DH and I can weather a difficult storm and he will step up and support our whole family when I am incapacitated.

It taught me that life is short, and time with your loved ones is valuable. I try harder not to be petty, mean spirited and grumpy. I end every phone conversation or text exchange with affection.

I say 'I love you' a lot to everyone in my family. I say it to my friends who mean as much to me as family.

I know when times get tough I can carry on.

I learned that grief doesn't stop. A song, smell or other reference, is enough to take me back.

I learned that while being taken back is sad, and I remember the loss, it also keeps the happy memories alive. I remember joy, and love too.

Mostly it has taught me to embrace my life. I embraced the pain and survived. I can do anything. When life is hard, I've survived harder, and come out better.

It's taught me I'll never stop missing my dad.

Bagina - if that's what gets you through! There is some peace in denial. I think emotions still leak in and wave over you but I find it easier to cope day to day with just getting on with it. The cracks though are there and I don't like looking in them much!

I've never thought of it as actual denial. Very interesting. My mum stole all the grief; it was only her husband that died and not my dad. If I was ever upset I'd be shouted at" what are you upset for???". It was all about my mum. There was nothing for us kids. It's as if nothing did happen to me as nobody acknowledged it. Really strange.

Bagina we had that too. My mums husband of 6 months lost his wife and everyone felt awful for him, not the three kids who lost their mum.

Bagina, feeling that your grief is not seen and heard, and that you are not entitled to it, just makes it even more agonising. It must be very strange to have your mum being so competitive with you. How cruel of her.

My grief is to do with family estrangement rather than bereavement, which is a grief that hardly anyone understands, and is very difficult to talk about. The pressure to keep the show on the road and keep a smile on your face is even greater because hardly anyone even knows that you're grieving.

I relate so much to the comments here and it's so comforting to know I'm not alone.

I used to be really confident, not a worrier at all. Always positive. Now I'm anxious most of the time. I can't handle any stress. My cat had to go to the vet, and she was fine, but I was in a terrible state worrying about her and thinking she was going to die.

I'm only 25 but I feel very, very old. Like I've had a lifetime of suffering. I'm not carefree anymore.

Hugs to everyone.

Losing my dad definitely changed me, both in good and bad ways..

I think more philosophically now, accept the circle of life and really appreciate everything I have now. I am more tolerant with my family and kids and don't sweat the small stuff (but have always been relaxed about all that anyway) I show them so much love. I feel it's made me stronger and I can deal with anything. I am friendlier with strangers as you never know what they are going through.. I stop and chat or just smile at old people now as who knows how long they have left on this earth, and you can see most of them love a friendly exchange with people at the park etc. I am less argumentative with DP and calmer.

In a negative way, it's made me feel exposed to death as if I am the next in line (even though I'm 31) and worry I will go while my kids are young. I picture dying in a car crash or my child drowning, only for moments but I never used to worry. I have lost contact with several friends who showed no support when he died, but miss them and feel it's a real shame they showed that side of them as they were good friends otherwise. On this point I am being quite stubborn and intolerant!

I wouldn't feel any of those positives above if I lost a child though. A completely consuming crushing loss.

I think I have decided that if I don't think about him, if I don't look at pictures then he isn't actually dead.
6 months on and I can't look at any photos, can't touch his things. oddly, I wear a lot of his jumpers. They are gorgeous and very expensive . I think somehow by wearing them I am animating him. Does that make sense?
I think I need to get some bereavement counselling.

I agree spooky. One of the ways I managed the grief after losing my father was to remind myself that although by far the hardest thing if experienced, it was the natural order of things. An adult parent pre-deceased an adult child. He walked me down the aisle and saw his grandchild. So while I was floored with loss, it was as nature intended. The same for any older family and, once at a certain age, friends and siblings too.

I think losing a child would be very much different and be an altogether harder grief to learn to navigate.

Exactly, apart from losing a parent when too young, it is the natural order of things.. I remember the day after my dad went, and as well as being griefstricken we were laughing at memories, saying how glad we are that he was out of pain, had a decent innings etc.. and I kept thinking how very different it would feel if someone young had died. There would be no comfort or smiles.. no justifying it in your head.

Sharptic I think our outlooks are similar.

My biggest fear for my children is that the loss of their father in early childhood becomes something that overshadows their whole life and leaves them bitter. It's part of their experiences, yes, but I do ultimately believe that we're more than just the sum of our experiences. Indeed, the older I get the more I feel that how we choose to respond to our experiences is what builds our characters and makes us who we are.