Lemon's Mum

[lemonzest123]

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle

Hi Lemon, hope you're bearing up ok in this most difficult of times. Just to say that if you were thinking of doing a reading at your Mum's funeral, then this is the one I read out at mine (I was 31, my Mum just turned 60 in hospital, so similar ages I think).

How do we let a mother go?
How do we say "I'm ready now to go on without you"?
How can we ever have a clue of what that really means?
And of a sudden the moment is upon us, and there's no turning back.
And then we know what grief is,... and guilt and love and things undone.
Try to prepare and we will fail in some way, be it subtle or looming....
But there is peace too. peace and acceptance and overwhelming love that we maybe weren't aware of. waves and waves of conflicting emotion,
And laughter too, and memories we hadn't bothered lately to recall come flooding back in shared company.. and it's all about you mum...
And there's gratitude.. so much of that, that we had you, such a wonderful mother...
Bright and shining, nobody's fool, independent, but humble too;
Smart, and kind, and fun.
Adventurous..
A part of you has passed away, but much is carried everyday within us, and will as long as we are here.
This may be a final tribute,
A day to celebrate your life and say goodbyes;
But it's not final.
Every day I'll celebrate in some way, just by the virtue of how you shaped my life,
The absolute and incredible fortune that I knew you.
As a mother, a friend and a woman.

Thinking of you and sending strength.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I'm struggling massively. Feel like I've run a marathon with the flu. Can't stop shaking. My poor Dad is falling apart.

Bless you, you poor things, you must all be absolutely shredded. Try to rest- I know you will have decisions to make about the funeral but try just to sleep and eat and be quiet. It's so very hard. Prayers for all of you

That's all understandable Lemon, it will calm down as a bit of time goes by its very raw at this stage . Try to get some sleep if you can for yourself?.

Nite.

Lemon I felt the same. It sounds awful to say but after my dad died (I'd been awake for 3 days) I was running on adrenaline and almost on a 'high' - quite probably relief plus survival mechanism kicking in to keep me going. I dealt with a lot of stuff then drove for a few hours to get home to my family.

I eventually totally crashed and felt like I'd been run over by a steam roller. I then came down with lurgy. After 3 weeks now I'm just starting to feel better.

Take care of yourself, it is incredibly hard x

Tempting as it is, do not try to become your father's rock.
He has friends, yes? And family?
You need to focus on you right now. Lean gently on your d p.
It's been a horrendous time, and yes, the talk of marathons is probably for once appropriate. Breathe. Stroke that pesky dog who has huge love and will understand. Believe this. Breathe.

well, in truth - you have done the equivalent of running a marathon with the flu. (I felt totally hollowed out, and empty - almost floating around ) But now you need to concentrate on you.
So it is still relax, breathe calmly , eat if you can and drink.And allow yourself to grieve.
I promise it will get better, but in your timescale, no-one else's

Thanks everyone... I really hope this feeling is temporary. Absolutely floored by misery. DF has been a bit manic, cooking and cleaning etc. I'm taking it very very slowly. DP has been a total and complete star.

Had a chat about the funeral today. Unbelievably depressing.

Ah sweetheart it is so bloody hard and for your dad too. Try and rest as much as you can. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but only time will help.

Thinking of you, hugs.

Sweetheart we all "cope" in different ways. If "cope" is the right word, of course. "Existing through" might be more accurate.

It might be that your dad needs to stay as busy as he can; not give himself too much time to think.

From what you say it sounds like you've gone into shock. Are you managing to sleep, eat, drink at all?

There isn't a time limit on this - you'll have good days and exceptionally bad days. Don't expect too much of yourself and allow yourself time and space xx

Maybe its shock... I feel a strong sense of derealization, dizziness, weakness, aches, nausea, restlessness....like flu without the respiratory stuff. Its knocked me for six.

Oh Lemon,

I'm so sorry. I know it's of little consolation, but I can at the very least assure you that your response is completely normal. It will, in time, get better. But not just yet. For a while you will stuck in this horrible place. But I promise- as impossible as it seams- that it will get easier.

I hope that you get some much needed sleep, and don't forget to eat. That's all you can do for now.

Much love

Lemon I felt a lot of the things you are experiencing. I think it's a mixture of shock, exhaustion, relief, disbelief. I especially remember feeling totally surreal. Remember just standing outside and thinking "My life has totally been turned upside down. This is so huge. And all of you around me, has no idea what's just happened." I remember feeling as if I'd been beaten up. A pain in my back as if someone had kicked me hard in the middle of it. I think your physical state reflects what you are experiencing mentally. In my head I felt like I'd been kicked and my body felt that way too. The first week I just lay on the sofa all day and cried. Grief just seems to occupy every part of you at this point. It won't be any consolation to know that it's all very normal. Just allow yourself to feel how you feel and try hard to eat little and often and get rest whenever you get a chance. You really have been through the ringer and now you are able to finally stop, you really do feel battered and bruised in every way. Everything is so raw for you and your family. and gentle hugs.

lemon I have no wise words. No reassurance that this feeling will end soon but I do know time will heal. It will just be painful and slow. Try and be gentle on yourself. Lean on your dp. Take 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time if need be. We are here

Lemon. This really is just to acknowledge your wonderful mum and her wonderful daughter. Xxxx

Oh Lemon I remember. I wish I didn't, but reading your post has just brought it back

I found that, all of a sudden, that feeling lifted. I can't tell you how, but it was a feeling of lightness- it was so strange. One of the oddest things I've ever felt. I think it was the shock lifting. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't- I don't know.

But all I do know is that you can't rush this. Give yourself as much time as you need. Do as much or as little as you want- there isn't really a rule book.

Wish you didn't have to go through this xx

I agree - Lemon you're describing exactly how I felt after my dad died. Shock, exhaustion, depersonalisation, deep sadness, disbelief, confusion....

It is lifting now, little by little. In your own time, Sweetie xxx

Lemon it is normal and also terrible to feel so utterly depleted. Just be really easy on yourself, try not to rush around looking after others. You may find in the future that you almost cannot remember this period- it can become a blur. Try not to make any big life decisions. Just do whatever may ease the feelings - nice food when you feel you can eat, mindless TV, cuddling up with DP.

Lemon, so sorry to hear your news, Ive been keeping an eye on your posts since you first posted and know how devastating the loss of a mum is....my lovely mum died 7yrs ago this weekend but I was not with her when she died- she died suddenly and alone which I can never forget or get over and I still miss her so much even now
The next few days until the funeral will feel like eternity and you will all be in limbo....it's a horrid surreal feeling , so be kind to each other and if it gets too much go for a walk to get some fresh air...remember all the good times
Thinking of you

Thanks everyone, its really comforting to hear your experience and I'm sorry for yiu losses.

Had so many lovely messages from people saying how lovely mum was. The head of the care home said she's never seen a family as dedicated bad we were.

An in bed, slept for 10 hours. Thank god there are 9 series of Big Bang Theory!

I'm so glad you've managed to get some sleep Lemon - you must be exhausted

It's true- the majority of families aren't as dedicated as yours. You've done good sweetheart

So much good advice here Lemon- take things really gently. The feeling of unreality may last quite a while especially during the lead up to the funeral when you are still arranging things for your mum. Once the funeral is over the texture of life changes again- some people find it easier and others find it harder. But however you feel to some extent you just have to let it wash over you- not fighting the emotions but letting them be.
I conduct quite a lot of funerals and all I would advise for the next few days is that you allow your thoughts and feelings to come to the surface and that, when you're planning your farewell with DF and others, be unafraid about making suggestions for the service that seem right to you- even if they aren't the 'standard' things to do or say.
Wishing you sound sleep, peace and safe arms to rest in. Praying for you and all your dear ones.

So glad you got 10 hours sleep. You may feel bone weary for quite a while. Any opportunity to rest, take it.

Everyone grieves differently. Some people find it a great comfort to talk about their loved one, others (like me) felt too traumatised to talk about them at all. There's no right or wrong, no timescale for 'getting over it' and often your route back into feeling half way normal again, isn't linear. You can be doing ok and then one thing can fell you for a while again. It's ok and doesn't mean anything is wrong. You and your family have been amazing but being that amazing doesn't come without a price, which is feeling utterly depleated and exhausted afterwards. So take it as gently as you are able to. I never believe the whole 'time is a healer' cliche but in time you do seem to learn to carry your loss and memories around easier somehow and the absolute gnawing grief and pain does ease in time.

Dear Lemon, please be kind to yourself and know that one day - hopefully soon - you will be glad and proud of yourself for what you did.

When my Dad died (as I said, suddenly, so a huge shock) on one level I was 'dazed & confused' & on another level 'hyper'. I had to hold it together & I had to hold my mum together as well as organise his funeral & sort out all of the other stuff. He had businesss stuff, memberships, shares...a ton of stuff that had to be sorted out. I kind of fell apart in small doses on my best friend, but mostly just got in 'busy' mode & coped by throwing myself into the rest of it. I think it might be why I'm still grieving so much/badly. I felt like someone had dropped a huge weight on my chest & that took a very, very long time to go away, and it pops back sometimes. I couldn't eat, I just felt sick, then someone dropped in a platter of tiny, bite sized sandwiches, they were a turning point. One of those was manageable, then two... there is no right/wrong/normal way to feel, it just 'is'. The physical symptoms will go away though, it just takes time. Just do your best to sleep, eat & drink, because not doing those things makes you feel worse physically, which doesn't help you emotionally. 💐

Are you at your place or your Dad's? If you're at your Dad's it might be a good idea to plan some time back at yours. Grieving differently in the same house can be very draining x