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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lemon's Mum

999 replies

lemonzest123 · 14/09/2016 11:37

Hi MNers,

Thanks for tipping me off about the message limit on my other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2725008-Would-any-MNers-be-able-to-help-tonight?pg=1&order=

I am stunned and unbelievably humbled to see that one little post I wrote sparked 1000 messages, and Im so appreciative of all you personal stories and jokes to cheer me up.

MN is offically amazing and you're all fantastic.

DM had a rough night, she apparently woke in the night with a bad headache which I think confirmed the disease has moved into her head (we expected this, apparently what's causing the paralysis often appears in the brain too). Still no appetite and sleeping all the time.

Sad

Hope everyone had a good night. I had yet more nightmares - theyre all about Mum and they all horrible. Shouty I is in fine voice this morning. Dad said he heard Shouty I bellowing to Shouty II to shut up the other day. Pot, meet kettle Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 01:45

Keep getting random waves of fear.... Sad

OP posts:
GingerbreadLatteToGo · 27/09/2016 01:55

That's understandable my Lovely 💐 It's a scary thing you're going through & will be going through x.

I'm not familiar with the Beer Thread, but I'm VERY familiar with not leaving a thread when I should 😖 After my Dad died I was raging at the world with no real outlet other than MN - I took my real fury out on people posting about Christmas before Dec. Real fury. I think it may have been quite instrumental in MN actually start g the Christmas Topic & moving threads there! Yet on other threads I was capable of being really nice (someone dragged up a zombie thread tonight, reading my old posts on there was very weird, God I've changed, not for the better!😖).

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 01:59

Yeah I'm going to leave it now.

Its all so surreal.... Bit by bit all of our lives have come to all centre around the moment that is going to happen shortly. It's been a long long year and a half (four and a half if you count first diagnosis).

It'll be a massive and hideous adjustment but at the same time I don't feel any if us can keep this up much longer, especially poor DM!! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 02:22

God, so many emotions tonight.

My naturally high spirits have completely deserted me and all that's left is terror and horrible horrible sadness.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 02:33

I literally feel like I'm speeding down a hill screaming for someone to apply the breaks...

I don't understand how people bear this. I physically hurt with the sadness of it Sad

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 27/09/2016 02:48

Oh Lemon, just try to breathe. It is bigger than you are- in a funny and sad way it is like giving birth, with its own process and timetable.
Holding your hand.

icklekid · 27/09/2016 03:25

Hi lemon my heart is broken reading your last posts. I can imagine the fear is just overwhelming especially not helped with Christmas posts like ginger mentioned. I'm going to blame hormones but I am crying here for you because do you know its just not fair. Bring on those dp cuddles for you!

My dd had clicky hips at newborn checks so they made an appointment for scan. I shouldn't worry as at 8 weeks gp said they were fine but as she was 5 weeks premature I can't help but worry...

You and your df are doing the best job and as others have said the way you speak about your dm is so loving and kind. A very special relationship. I know from family experience sometimes the relief when it's over is immense even if the grief then overwhelms. Still praying for you Brew

Poptart27 · 27/09/2016 03:26

Thinking of you lemon Flowers

TheBestNamesAreTaken · 27/09/2016 03:30

Lemon, just wanted to lend my support in the darker hours. I've followed your threads and remain in awe of your resilience. Sending peaceful wishes to you and your mum.

There's nothing I can say without sounding trite, but keep breathing lovely, take things a second at a time.

ohfourfoxache · 27/09/2016 03:38

Take each minute at a time sweetheart xx

Allatseainthemidlands · 27/09/2016 05:17

Thinking of you Lemon. Flowers

HexBramble · 27/09/2016 05:48

Another one sending gentle thoughts. When the fear grips you, just breathe through it. Don't fight it, but breathe nice and deep and it'll soon pass.

You clearly are quite a remarkable daughter. Peace, love and light to your Mum and you all Flowers

IsItOnTheTrolley · 27/09/2016 06:29

I'm thinking of you too Lemon.

Hope that in some very small way it helps to know that somewhere, in lots of locations, on this spinning rock, people genuinely do care.

Big (((hug))) until DP can do it for real. 🌻🌻🌻

whitehandledkitchenknife · 27/09/2016 07:25

Morning Lemon - I do hope that managed to get some rest. The rage and fear are all normal. I took to swearing and shouting in the car (alone). Something cathartic about saying the baddest words you can think of in an incoherent stream. Is DP with you yet?

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 07:37

Hi awesome MN,

I figure out about 5am that if I shuffle up real close and shove a pillow under my head I can sort of cuddle her and doze at the same time. But I did wake up with two dead legs. Currently braving a commuter train back to my little flat surrounded by immaculate and highly scented overkeen work types who appear to have proper jobs. Its so packed you have to queue for the train before it arrives. Never been more sure that I need to get the hell out of office work somehow (me and DP have a cunning plan).

Shattered. If the plumber that's coming at 11 wakes me up he's in big, horrible trouble.

X

PS. Documentary on BBC 3 about death row v.g.

OP posts:
boo2410 · 27/09/2016 07:46

Hi Lemon, just popped in to say I'm thinking of you, hoping the plumber doesn't wake you. Hope you get a reasonable sleep. Be back later. Take care. Flowers Flowers

Marcipex · 27/09/2016 08:05

I have to get ready for work, but I'll be back later x

Coldhandscoldheart · 27/09/2016 08:08

Morning lemon was thinking of you overnight, but baby sitting on my arm prevented posting. Have been doing novenas to St Anthony for your blanket. Hope you get good rest today.

bookbook · 27/09/2016 08:13

Busy today - am looking after DGS, but thinking of you.
Hope you get some rest today.
You do end up coping with lack of sleep , but I often felt worse after a heavy sleep - ending up feeling like a zombie. So take it steady

Original poster
lemonzest123 · 27/09/2016 08:16

Argh someone talk me down. Packed commuter train has stopped and not moved for 30 mins because a car crashed into a bridge. Haven't showered or even brushed teeth, no sleep and crashing period pains.

Panic, panic, panic Sad

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ajandjjmum · 27/09/2016 08:33

You poor soul. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Hope you've got a seat. Been watching your thread and thinking what a fabulous daughter you are, being with your Mum although it's so tough.

Flowers
dailymaillazyjournos · 27/09/2016 08:35

Just breathe in and out very slowly Lemon. To the count of five. Unclench fists, jaw and anything else that you are clenching. It will be ok.

Allatseainthemidlands · 27/09/2016 08:42

It's ok lemon. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Peace. All of us holding hands around you. You're safe. You'll be home soon. Blow the pain out like blowing candles on a cake.

Flowers

boobyooby · 27/09/2016 08:56

Hi Lemon,

Sorry to read everything is feeling very tough to get through at the moment!

Hopefully your train will get moving soon and you can get home x

Threetoedsloth · 27/09/2016 09:38

Hope you're home, or nearly home now chick. There's a hot cuppa and a warm bed with your name on it.