DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

So sorry.

Could you get a small groups of DS's friends to help you plan the funeral and wake? And sort his clothes? The grim things but where the younger generation can be brilliant. Music, organisers, etc.

At my godmother's funeral, she had a lot of things, trinkets, ornaments, scarves etc. her husband decided to put them out on a table and as people went out, they took a memento of her. I thought it was a brilliant idea. If he had a lot of stuff you were prepared to let go, you might consider it.

Morning OP,

I hope the cards and letters, and all the beautiful flowers, have been some comfort over the weekend.
You are surrounded in love

We are here for you too if there's anything we can help with?

Good morning juggling.
Busy weekend with lots of visitors. They all brought food.
Some of his friends came round - they have got themselves into a group to organise the wake. I am finding it hard to make my mind up about it though - which must be a bit frustrating for them. I wanted a party to celebrate his life, but now I am worried it might be too OTT. I don't want it becoming too much of a party IYSWIM.
They are setting up a memorial face book page - but it does seem that the news is spreading quickly.
It has been a week now.
I have found myself reliving his birth, his baptism, his first steps, nursery, school, birthday parties, so many memories of every day life over the last 27 years.
I still can't take it in.
DS2 is still in a terrible state.
I have slept a bit better - sheer exhaustion I think.
I am so worried about the arrangements - I don't want to get it wrong - it will be the last thing I ever do for DS and I cant go back and do it again.

There's no such things as " getting it wrong " . However you and your family want it is the right way .

If you are worried that it might be too " lively " for you, you can have a more restrained service of commitment and a quieter first part of the wake. Then the young people could continue else where , or you could leave .

I think it's quite common for the older generation ( forgive me, but I'm on my 50s a im assuming you are too ) to want something more conventional another younger ones to get very drunk and play music / sing / give drunken speeches and toasts and put stuff on FB.

Neither is wrong. You don't have to be part of their bit if it's not your thing.

Is DS2 able to talk to you? Is he eating , sleeping, getting out of bed and showering and getting dressed ok ?

Am glad to hear you've been surrounded by friends over the weekend, and sounds as though most people have been helpful and supportive?
Lovely too that his friends have been thinking about plans.
We lost my nephew a couple of years ago, in his early twenties.
We had quite a party after the funeral, in a big hall with a bit of music and dancing, and also let off some of those giant lanterns.
It didn't feel wrong or OTT at all, though it did feel like he should have been there too - he would have loved it
I think the only thing I would change (though arrangements made by others) was that a lot of his friends came to the funeral and I felt it would have been good to have a larger room so more could have come in for the service rather than listening outside.
However it goes it will be fine though, especially with so many friends involved. If you want some quieter, more reflective parts, maybe those could be during the service? Then let the young people have their celebration of his life at a party afterwards?

I'm glad too to hear you've been remembering so many beautiful memories from the 27 years you shared together. That sounds very good indeed

DS2 is managing to get up, dressed, showered etc. He looks so tired.
He is going in to talk to his boss today. His employer has been very kind, but it has been a week now and he needs to think about going back to work.

I think he is hoping he can go back but not do any overtime. (He normally does lots of OT as he is saving to buy a house).

DH and I are going to go out for lunch today, somewhere away from where we live. I can't face going out here, so we are going to give DS2 a lift to work, then go and have something to eat.

Those sound like very good plans for today. We will be thinking of you x

That's all good news about DS2, sounds like he's functioning which is the best you can expect . I agree he needs to get back to work and some normality for 40 hours a week .

I see he's buying a house - does he have a partner and is she / he supportive ?

You and Dh are doing really well to go out for lunch .

His memorial page is up and the messages are coming in.
Such lovely happy photos.
DH and I have had a few tears, but it is good to see his handsome smiling face.

That's good. How lovely to have all these happy memories shared by his friends

endof
Thats lovely although it will be bitter sweet for you and your family it will help in a small way to know how many people knew and loved him and have fond memories of him.

Hope your ds gets lots of support at work, even if he doesnt manage full time just yet, 'doing something' positive outside the home may help him get through the day a little easier.

I have 2 boys and each time I read your posts I fill up as I cant contemplate losing one of my boys, I cant imagine how hard it must be just to get through the day, I think you are very brave sharing it with us and hope that the support you get here helps in a tiny way.

I have spent all day trying to find a venue for the wake.
It is very stressful.

DS's friends are trying to help, but of course they are at work and can't be phoning round.

I have a horrible painful eye infection now and everything is blurred.

Sigh...

Hi endof, I'm sorry to hear about your sore eye and that finding the right venue has been stressful today.
Would it help to talk through difficulties and options around that at all?
I hope the right combination of places will become apparent/ available for you.

Have you got drops for your eye ? Often a pharmacist can give you something for it, If you can't get to the doctors for a few days . There's always one open late in each area

Think I have found somewhere now.

I must have called 30 places today and had to explain the same thing to all of them. Before that I had to go through a list of about 50 to weed out all the unsuitable ones. It is very painful and stressful.

Trying to sort out funeral service now but I am shattered.
Being on lap top and phone all day hasn't soothed my eyes at all.

DH is going to buy eye drops and my friend has brought me some dinner.

Funeral director needs to know our choice of coffin and I have to choose clothes to dress DS in. I am in a state of panic about that because I haven't been able to go into his room yet.

DH has been sorting photographs and has been very tearful.

It is like being in a bad dream.

There is wine in the kitchen...

Well done on finding a suitable place for the sake and sorry it was such a hassle .

Have a glass of wine, take eye drops, eat dinner.

Ask friend who brought dinner to go into DS room and bring out something suitable - tell her if you want smart or causal etc. It's the starting that's the worst bit.

Oh, endoftheline, my heart aches for you

Well done for finding a venue.
Finding clothes for him must be so, so painful and I am sorry you are in this position. Is this something you want to do for him, or would it be easier if somebody else did it? There is no right or wrong way of doing it, you know that, right?

Glass of wine sounds like a plan.
One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Remember to eat when you can.

His room is a tip.
He was obviously planning to come back and tidy up!

I wouldn't let anyone else in there TBH. He had been away to his friend's funeral and his case is still in a heap on the floor.

DH and I will sort it out together.

It is the choosing of the clothes that I can't face. But I need to do it because I know what he would have liked.

I don't know what to say. But I did want to acknowledge your heartbreak and the death of your darling son.

Have been thinking about you today endof

Just want to send you some love x

Thinking of you all. X

Had the most horrible shock this morning.
DH was trying to get into DS's phone last night - he managed to switch it on.
2 emails from DS were in my in box this morning.

Obviously they had been written before he died but not sent.

I felt as if I was having a heart attack.
DH and I have both been in tears.

My knees are still shaking.

Poor DH feels terrible and so bad for upsetting me.

I really hope nothing has gone to anyone else.
I sent a quick text to DD and DS2 just to warn them.

Such a shock Endof! Just sit and breathe, concentrate on each breath. Your heart rate will drop and your legs will stop shaking.