Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

[teaandbics]

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

[teaandbics]

Hello Ilive. Thank you so much for your lovely message and for thinking of me. Yesterday was a month since we lost Sonny and I'm struggling. So your message and your lovely words mean so much xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh tea a month! it's still so very raw. i hope you are doing ok.

[teaandbics]

Hello ginger. Yes, a month now. It feels like five minutes ago and also a lifetime ago. Nothing makes sense now. Not even time.

To be honest, I don't really know if I'm doing ok or not. I'm getting out of bed, looking after my little one and taking him out every day. So that means I must be doing kind of ok I think, as I definitely couldn't do that at first. But I also feel like I'm spiralling downwards. The mornings are getting worse. I'm sleeping badly (and not much at all) but somehow my dreams, which are really strange, don't seem to be about Sonny, or losing him or being pregnant. Yet. That means that I wake from these vivid and really odd dreams and feel like I've been hit by a truck when I remember what has happened. And then I can't breathe properly and can't control the panic and the awful awful sorrow. It feels like it's taking longer every morning to get back on some kind of even keel so that I can get myself together enough to look after my little one. My DH bless him waits as long as he possibly can before he leaves for work to try and help me through the morning slump as best he can.

Sorry. That was a very long way of saying that in some ways I'm doing ok but mainly I'm struggling. But I'm trying. I keep getting up and getting out although I really don't want to.

Can I ask you and others who have sadly been through this if that stomach lurching feeling, when you remember in the mornings, lessens?

Thank you for thinking of me ginger. A month on, and lovely ladies like you are still checking if I'm ok. I can't express how grateful I am for that xx


Can I ask you

[Itscurtainsforyou]

I remember the morning feelings.

Un helpfully I can't remember when they eased/stopped, but I did find getting into a routine where I had to be doing things, helped a bit.

I took antidepressants for a short period, which really helped, along with time. There's no accelerating grief though unfortunately

Thinking of you

[Sammythemummy]

Hi tea

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my dd3 at 30+ weeks 4 months ago. Mornings are much better now but only recently. I still have wobbles during the day especially when seeing other little ones.

I should've been holding a 2 month old but all I have are hands and feet prints, it's a hard pill to swallow.

What's helping me is staying busy with outings and hobbies, although a month is nothing in terms of grievance. Cry it out and mourn, I was still a mess 4 weeks on.

Lately I've been able to talk about my little on without bursting in tears, it's a small improvement. Mind you, I still can't look at the "expecting threads" on Active.

Stick around in this corner, I found people's experiences gave me hope and prepared me for the stages to come.

[Sammythemummy]

3 weeks ago I was on my way to the GP to talk about depression but I seem to have turned a corner in the end, it's a crazy roller coaster of emotions. Talking to a friend has really helped.

Sending you lots of love

Ps- my dd1 also had a speech disorder and I couldn't believe something had happened to one of my dc again

[teaandbics]

Hello Itscurtains. Thanks so much for your message.

Yes, the mornings are so brutal aren't they? Some kind of routine to try and help cope with them makes sense. I'll have a think about what that could be.

I wish I could fast forward to a point where I felt like I could cope, but I know I can't. I'm scared about getting through the days when the funeral and post mortem meeting are over, and there is nothing else on the horizon that is a (very small) form of distraction.

Thank you for thinking of me xxx

[teaandbics]

Hello Sammy. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little girl.

Your message is so helpful. I know that everyone's timescales are going to be completely different, but just hearing that your mornings are much better is encouraging (and I'm so glad that you're finding them a bit easier). The wobbles are awful aren't they. Having found babies tough initially, I'm now finding that it's anyone with 2 kids who look like they have the age gap we would have had. It makes me mourn what would have been. I wonder if the triggers for those wobbles will constantly change. Pregnant women are still very difficult to see though.

My little one is keeping me busy and when it's just the two of us I think I'm doing a little bit better. But I'm definitely a total mess. Weeping in public when I think about Sonny (and not caring a jot about the looks I'm getting) has become the norm.

I'm glad you can talk about your little one without crying now. I'm not surprised that you can't look at expecting threads. Pregnancy has such sad associations now.

I have also found that other people's experiences give hope. It feels so lonely, and just to hear people explaining that they felt the same way makes that loneliness a little bit easier. I've had such help and support here that if nobody minds, I will take your advice and would like to stick around.

I'm not ruling anything out, so I'm keeping an open mind about anti depressants. I will take whatever help is needed as I've never had to deal with anything as terribly hard as this.

Thank you for the love. Sending you lots back and I hope that things continue to get a little easier to bear x

ps, I felt the same. Life can be too cruel xx

[Sammythemummy]

Thank you

Yes the age gap is what really gets to me, my youngest two would've been 2 1/2 years apart and loved that idea.

Hope you're having a better day today.

[teaandbics]

Yes, we would've had a 3 year age gap, which seemed perfect. Especially given that we didn't think we'd be lucky enough to have Sonny at all.

It's been tough today. Sonny's funeral is tomorrow, so I'm beavering away making sure everything is sorted as best as it can be, but I'm so choked up.

I hope your day has been ok. Thanks for your message

Xx

[FallenStar3]

I never experienced the lose of a child but my DM did before she had me and my two brothers. I still think it affects her in certain ways. She will speak about him on occasion but unfortunately she has no memories as such, this happened over 40 years ago she never even got to see him, she named him Robert but she wasn't able to have a funeral as it wasn't the done thing back then they took care of things. I know she after found out where he was buried some time after and my DF used to visit the cemetery back then. I think it would of been a comfort to see their baby but unfortunately they never got to have that opportunity but she carrys him in her heart every day I think that's what has gotten her through the hard times.

Be kind to yourself and don't feel you can talk about it because you can, he's apart of you and he always will be

[gingerbreadmanm]

i dont know if i ever had that morning thing. it never really went away for me. i would say after about 6 weeks i could control my grief. i could compose myself the majority of the time.

you do sound like you're finding a way through the darkest days. just keep on going.

i will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow. i hope sonny gets a wonderful day. hope it goes ok xx

[Itscurtainsforyou]

Yes - the age gap! I'd forgotten about that. I remember that I felt very cheated for a long time that we would never have the three year age gap now. It would've been almost exactly that. My brother and I are 3 years apart and I think I saw this as the "right" age gap (or the one I could relate to).

I think it's because, no matter how many children you (may) have after losing one the age gap is something you never get back.

Sounds really trivial but I remember dwelling on it for ages.

[teaandbics]

Hello Fallen. Thanks so much for your message. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum losing Robert, and harder still that she never got to see him. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. As you said, I gained so much comfort from seeing and holding my beautiful Sonny. It's bittersweet, because you know what your little one looks like, and you can vividly imagine them at different ages. And Sonny looked so much like his brother we actually couldn't believe it. But it's a blessing to have that chance, you're right.

I can't stop thinking about your mum. As miserable as I feel right now, I know how lucky I am to have had my short time with Sonny.

Thanks very much for thinking of me xx

[teaandbics]

Thank you so much ginger. We're doing the service ourselves, so that adds to the nevousness. But we've worked really hard on it and we feel like we've honoured our baby boy. Whatever happens, we've put our hearts into it to show Sonny how loved he is. Thank you to you and everyone who gave us the courage to face the funeral preparations by telling us about the wonderful things you did for your little ones xx

[teaandbics]

Oh Itscurtains You totally summed up how I feel about the age gap. I do feel cheated. And so very sad about it. I was so happy about the thought of my little one having a 3 year age gap and he seemed ready for a sibling at last. And while an age gap seems like a trivial concern, you're right that it burns. Like everything does. I expect it'll be something I dwell on too.

Thanks as always for your understanding. It's such a relief when you hear that someone felt exactly the same way xxx

[gingerbreadmanm]

wow, that sounds veru special! hope everything goes to plan and thinking of you all today. will keep Sonny in my thoughts xx

[Troika]

So sorry OP, your pain must be immense. Hope the funeral for your precious boy goes well today.

[teaandbics]

Thank you so much ginger and troika.

I'm going to have my phone off for rest of the day. Just wanted to quickly say how grateful I am that you're thinking of us, and especially of our beloved Sonny
x

[RavioliOnToast]

Thinking of you all today.

[Sammythemummy]

Thinking of you and may Sonny rest in peace

[Itscurtainsforyou]

Thinking of you very much today

[teaandbics]

Thank you so much for thinking of us.

Yesterday was such a hard day, but we were really happy that everything went as well as it could do for Sonny. We had been nervous about doing the service ourselves but it felt right and made it very personal. There were so many sunflowers- it was beautiful. I hope we did Sonny proud.

I was due to be induced today. It's so painful to think about it when Sonny's funeral was yesterday. I can't believe how much our life has changed so quickly. I have cried and cried. We went to see Sonny's flowers at the crematorium this morning before heading away for the weekend. I didn't want to be at home today as everything is a reminder of how exciting today was supposed to be for us, and what we have lost.

As we arrived at the crematorium they called to tell us that Sonny's ashes were ready. So we are away and have Sonny's ashes with us. That gives me huge comfort and huge sadness all at the same time.

I am rambling again. All I had really wanted to say was thank you for thinking of us. In the midst of all of our sorrow, we managed to gain a precious memory from Sonny's funeral.

I've no idea if this message will arrive, as we're staying in the middle of nowhere and we have no reception (right now that's a good thing).

I hope you all have a lovely bank holiday weekend x
Xx

[Itscurtainsforyou]

I'm glad it went well. Burying your child is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

Pleased you've been able to get away too - hope it gives you the space and break you need.

[lilydaisyrose]

I am continuing to think of you tea - so much love to you and your family.