Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

[teaandbics]

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

[leghoul]

Very sorry to hear about your baby boy teaandbics.

Here are some good sources of support:

Child Death Helpline childdeathhelpline.org.uk free and confidential helpline and all calls are answered by bereaved parents 0800 282 986 -or 0808 800 6019 the hours are on the website (7pm-10pm every night and longer hours on weekdays)

Sands 0207 436 5881

The Lullaby Trust 0808 802 6868 [email protected]

If you need to speak to someone urgently you can call Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123.

[Pinkheart5915]

💐 very sad to read about your sonny teaandbics

My first born Emily was stillborn at 34 weeks and it is truly heartbreaking. She would of been 5 this year and it still hurts I think of her often, I've now got a ds( 11 months) and a DD (week old) and I can see so much of her little face in them.

When me and dh had a funeral for our Emily the funeral place wouldn't take any money despite me offering many times. We had her buried, had the snow drop poem and dh wrote a letter to her which he read out. Had the song take good care of my baby played. No flowers for us we said people could donate to SANDS if they wanted too.

We visit the grave with flowers 4 times a year and in our garden we've got bench with a plaque on it in her memory. She's never been forgotten.

Take time for yourself and let yourself cry and be upset it is natural don't keep it all in. Have good communication with your partner about how you both feel and support each other all you can.

SANDS do offer group counselling ( although I didn't go as I'm very private) and they do some local church services at Christmas and offer general support for when/if you are ready to seek it.

So very sad 💐

[YoureAllABunchOfBastards]

Beautiful name - thinking of you xxx

[Cinnamon2013]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful child, Sonny. You sound like a kind and loving woman and it is so hard that you have not had the chance you wished for to be mother for longer to your second boy. I hope you find the professional support you need, and please know that we are here for you too.

[teaandbics]

Leghoul- thank you so much for the links x

Pinkheart - I'm so sorry to read about your Emily. It's so lovely to think that you see so much of her beautiful face in your little ones but must also be very hard. My DH is also thinking of reading something about Sonny at the funeral. I'm not sure I'll be able to say anything - I'm still struggling to speak about Sonny in real life (which is why this thread and all of the lovely posters like you have been a genuine lifeline) - although I'd like to.

We are going to get sunflowers for Sonny and like you ask for everyone else to donate to SANDS if they want to. After the scan where we found our we'd lost Sonny we came home in a daze and I read SANDS' guidance leaflets for hours and all through the night. The help and support they give - and the information that allows you to be a bit more prepared is incredible.

A bench is your garden to remember your little girl - how special. I'm so panicked by the thought of Sonny being forgotten, so hearing the different ways that babies have been remembered gives me such comfort.

Like you, I can't quite imagine doing group therapy. I can't even talk to my friends right now. But who knows. And I will definitely go to the church service - thank you for telling me about it.

[teaandbics]

Youreall - thank you. Never realised how happy it would make me at a time like this to hear people say how much they like Sonny's name. Makes him seem even more loved, if that makes any sense at all x

[teaandbics]

Cinnamon - you're so kind. Thank you so much. The support I've had on this thread has really choked me up. You are all wonderful x

[gingerbreadmanm]

just so you know if you choose a local funeral directors,particularly a family run one, they may be happy to come to your home to organise. you can then have whoever you need around you for support.

i recently started attending sands groups. this will come to you no doubt but it is so good to happily talk about my son to people who understood rather than the awkwardness of people lucky enough to not have had to experience this.

you are doing great. take each day at a time. cry when you need to. in the early days i felt like i never stopped.

one thing i kept telling myself, and please dont think this is heartless, but my daily mantra was life goes on and you have to just keep going in any way you can.

i remind myself regularly that all lucas ever knew was my love and thats an amazing thing when you look at the crappy things going on in the world.

when lucas died those little fairies that blow around were everywhere at the time. we used to find them in really random places. theyre back again and it brings a huge smile to my face everytime i see one and think he's near.

[gingerbreadmanm]

someone at sands shared a lovely site with me for rememberance things for babys graves. if you would like i can share the link?

thats what i spent my early days doing after giving birth. things for lucas. picking nice things for him. i got ones of those wooden letter trains with his name and sat in the garden and hand painted it. it felt rewarding to be able to do something for him.

[FedUpBird]

Am so very sorry for your loss Sonny is a beautiful name for a beautiful boy.

I used to work in a crematorium and found a lovely song called Still by Gerrit Hofsink, the words are beautiful and very fitting. I hope you can find strength within them.

I did a reading at a baby funeral once and it was the very last page of 'Guess how much I love you'

Sending you love and thinking of Sonny this evening

[teaandbics]

Ginger- thanks so much for your message. I'm so sorry and sad about Lucas. You talk about him with such love and joy. It is inspiring.

I hadn't realised that the funeral directors may be able to come to us. I'll look into that, thank you.

The chance to speak about Sonny with people who understand, as has happened here, does sound really nice. We have already had well intentioned but totally inappropriate comments. It is a sad thought that there may more to come. So a 'safe' and understanding space to remember Sonny sounds wonderful, and it's something I hope I may be able to do in the future.

Yes, I've cried so much since Sonny died and yet I feel like I haven't had the chance to cry nearly enough. I didn't think what you said was at all heartless. Having my little boy here has meant that I have had to keep moving, even though I really don't want to. At times I have felt like this has stopped me having the time and space to grieve for Sonny, which I really need to do and he deserves. But I know that I would be finding it hard to do anything at all and sinking fast if I didn't have my little one pushing me on.

I really loved what you said about the fairies blowing around reminding you of Lucas. A couple of things have happened where I've been sure it was Sonny, giving me a sign to keep going. So I understand totally that feeling. It's like a warm hug from our babies.

I would be really grateful if you could share the link. Thanks so much. And the idea of doing nice things for Sonny is lovely. Apart from his birth, which unexpectedly gave us so much joy, I am struggling to think of him and my pregnancy with anything but huge sorrow. So doing something nice for Sonny now could maybe build some new and special memories. Thank you xx

[teaandbics]

Fed up - thank you so much for your message. The words to 'Still' really are beautiful and as you say, fitting. I will lucky up there courage to loathe to it later. We played so much music to Sonny that songs instantly set me off crying.

Guess how much I love you - one of my absolute favourites xx

[teaandbics]

Sorry, appalling typos. I meant to say that I will pluck up the courage to listen to 'Still' later today. I just looked through the lyrics, which are beautiful xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

www.libertyrainne.co.uk/ this is the link. ebay have lots of things too. we got a lovely vase from there and a windchime (which i always mistakingly call a mobile funnily enough).

you know i was talking about lucas to a friend the other day who messaged me afterwards and said your face lights up when you talk about him and it was so nice. in the early days you never think you will feel like that.

its good to have something you link to them.

im not encouraging this btw, although it had its good and bad points, we got a puppy just after lucas and it really gave me somewhere to focus all that love and me and pup now have such a lovely special bond because of the time he came into our lives.

give yourself plenty of time to cry. even recently i was crying once a day. this must be one of the worst things that could ever happen to anyone. i always tell myself that if ever i feel like im over indulging my grief.

we keep lucas's hand and footprint in the car hanging from the rearview mirror. i love seeing them. in fact in the car is my favourite place to cry -can open the windows for a cold blast to get rid of all the redness when you're done

[teaandbics]

Thank you so much. There are some really beautiful things on that site.

You can feel the joy you have for Lucas. It jumps out from the page. I hope I can get to that point. At the moment, the only memory that gives me any joy is Sonny's birth, which was unexpectedly wonderful. The pregnancy, and all of my associations with pregnancy, are pretty bleak at the moment. But I'm sure that with time that will change.

If we weren't living in a flat I'd love a dog! We always had a dog growing up and I know what you mean about a focus for love.

I don't think it is possible to over indulge your grief when something like this happens to you. Seeing how many women are ready to give love, support and encouragement to someone else going through this, often a long time after they have sadly lost their own babies, makes it clear (as if there were any doubt) that we are all dealing with life long pain. But hearing from you and others who have said that it gets easier to manage gives me hope.

What a beautiful place to keep Lucas's foot and hand prints. I also love being in the car at the moment. My little one is a car fanatic so is quiet as a mouse on any journey (too busy taking in the cars and trucks!) so it's a rare opportunity to sob with impunity and like you say, get that cold blast of air afterwards.

Thanks for thinking of me today. Mornings are always hard.

I really appreciate all of the messages people have sent xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

The pregnancy thing is funny i know. I had a straight forward pregnancy with Lucas in some ways however it was straight after an MMC so for the first 12 weeks i worried. Then at the 20 week scan Lucas was diagnosed with PFFD so from then until we discovered he had died i worried.

It was a big bug bear at first that i had been through all of that to get the outcome we got but now i look back fondly and remember the funny things about being pregnant and how special you feel when pregnant and the joy of buying everything for new baby etc. You do start to become more accepting.

Just recently i discovered my bff is pregnant and it actual made me feel excited for my own future pregnancy. I never thought i would get to that point.

Sonny is a beautiful name and i love the association with sunflowers. It will be great including those in your funeral plans.

Have you thought about whether you are inviting anyone?

[teaandbics]

A pregnancy after a miscarriage must be so hard, especially as you say in the first 12 weeks. I'm ashamed to say that I had never heard of PFFD so just googled it. What a worrying time you must have had before you lost Lucas. I'm so sorry.

That's lovely to hear that you become more accepting about pregnancy and that you look back fondly on your own, especially after the tough time you must have had. I had hyperemesis with both pregnancies and each time had 6 solid months of constant vomiting. But when it lifted, I did get to that stage of feeling special and really excited. I need to try and remember those feelings.

That's lovely about your best friend and how wonderful that you are excited for your own future pregnancy. Made me happy to hear that. I can't see another pregnancy in our future as Sonny was such an amazing surprise after we struggled so much to have my little one. I think that is adding to the sense of sadness about pregnancy and my associations with it. I'd so love to not have had such a sad ending to what may well be my final pregnancy. But. I have my little one. And I really did have a wonderful labour with Sonny. So in many ways I am blessed, sad though things are right now.

Thank you ginger. We loved the name. So happy sounding. And though I find it hard to look at sunflowers right now, they are perfect for Sonny.

I think we are going to have immediate family, so parents and siblings, at the funeral. We had been thinking of it just being the 3 of us, but we thought we might regret that later on. And I have so many regrets that I can't bear to have any more. It's all a bit up the air though.

Could I ask if you found the funeral helpful in a way? I am expecting to have a massive crash after it is over, which I think is why we are both finding it hard to think about properly xx

Thanks again for your messages. So kind of you x

[gingerbreadmanm]

TBH the funeral wasn't as bad as i expected but we did wait three weeks to bury him almost due to other peoples commitments. We also had siblings and close family so parents, brothers and sisters.

Looking back, i wish i had invited my three closest friends. I took one to the cemetery a long time after he had passed. She broke down. I don't think, until that point she had really understood and that was difficult for me.

As i said in an earlier post, we had a graveside service. I found that much better for me and family. I think a church service would have been too formal. We still had the vicar etc just everything was done at the grave so it was over quickly.

I cried and cried at the funeral which i wasn't expecting but so did everyone else. It was nice not to feel alone.

We had actually booked to go away for a few days on the day of the funeral, i needed something else to deal with once that bit was over. It was a good thing for me i think. We didnt plan anything for after the service but we did end up back at my dp's parents house just for a drink (non-alcoholic). That just felt right for us.

I guess with these things it depends on your thoughts about everything. I don't for one second imagine Lucas at his grave, that is just somewhere for me to treat him and show the world that he was mine and i love him more than life itself.

Oh and FWIW i didnt know about PFFD either. In fact the hospital didn't either and tried to diagnose something else at his scan. It was only when i came home and researched that i discovered that's what he had. This was later confirmed in his post mortem.

As for a future pregnancy, it may be the last thing you are thinking of but everyone is different, you are much more fertile straight after pregnancy so if you did want to try again it is a good time. It all depends on how you feel. I'm still not ready but i have met people at SANDS that were pregnant again just a couple of months later. Sometimes it helps by all accounts.

[teaandbics]

I'm glad that the funeral wasn't as bad as expected. Ours will also be a while afterwards as Sonny still isn't back from post mortem. I would also quite like my close friends to come. I haven't been able to see them or talk to them and I guess it feels like they may understand a bit better if they came (although they've all been wonderful and are letting me know they're here for when I'm ready). My husband wants just family though. Who knows. I guess we need to decide together what we think will be best.

I can totally understand why you had a graveside service, having so recently buried your MIL. You had already been through so much. I'm expecting to either cry through the entire thing or not cry at all. I am pretty sure it'll be non stop tears and that I'll also be in good company. My mum and MIL have cried constantly since it happened.

Going away straight after the funeral is such a good plan. We're away straight after the post mortem meeting, which is in September, as I think I'm going to be broken after that. I'm now wishing we were away sooner though.

What you said about the grave just being a place to show the world how much you love Lucas is lovely. I also don't at all associate Sonnny in that way.

That must've been really hard having to research yourself to determine that Lucas had PFFD. We have been told that my blood results have shown that Sonny had group b strep on him. We were told all along that it was only an issue/risk once I went into labour and that I would just need antibiotics at that time. Now though, it looks like the gbs crossed the placenta, despite us being told throughout that this couldn't happen. We have to await the PM. September feels like forever away. I am also busily researching. Apparently, if this is what has happened it is so rare that it is not yet officially recognised, and doesn't even have a proper name (although for now it's been given the term prenatal gbs). Not sure how I feel about it all apart from so very sad.

Yes, I'm also not at all ready to think about another baby, even if it were possible. I really can imagine it may help; I totally understand that ache to have a baby in your arms when you've been so close to having that. I can only think about Sonny at the moment, and wishing it was him I could hold again so I'm definitely not ready to think about another baby. It is very lovely though to hear about all the babies who have followed the loss of a baby, and the joy that they have brought.

Thank you ginger. Just thinking about all of these things today, and especially your really positive approach to everything and the huge love and especially the joy that you have when you speak about Lucas, has been so helpful. Xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

when i had Lucas, for me i wanted to give him some time which was a big reason for us not trying again. i always had a year set in my mind although thats been and gone now.

that's terrible about Sonny. i also thought group streo b was only a problem in labour and easily treat. i hope you get some answers at his post mortem.

could you book a night or two away after the funeral?

i would have a good think about your friends and then speak to dp and see what he says. i dont think you have to extend the invitation wide but if there was one or two you wanted there it might help. as i say i wish i had now.

a very close uncle and his dp came. i hadn't asked them to but had wanted to. that was nice. some of dps wider family just turned up too which again was nice.

i hope you are doing ok. you sound so strong.

have you thought of anything for you for Sonny? they have some beautiful things online.

we didn't have much money at the time so i got a joma bracelet saying a little baby boy on i wear always. my friends built them up with ones they sent too and they all remind me of lucas.

i then got a tattoo of a forget me not. we had received one in his memory box so i linked it with him.

[teaandbics]

I can totally relate to wanting to give Lucas time before you try again. If we were going to, it would make sense to try sooner rather than later given our past struggles and my age. But I cannot even contemplate it at the moment, it's just too soon even to process the idea of it. But I know that everyone is different and no one can say what is right in this horrible situation. You just do what is best and makes sense for you don't you?

Yes, I feel so let down about the group b strep. We were told exactly what you understood to be the position; antibiotics in good time when in labour and you'll be fine. It feels like we have to wait forever until our PM meeting to get some further information and I am already finding that the days are passing so very slowly. Did you find that too?

I think we will try and get away after the funeral. We are realising that once all the activity of arranging it is over, a massive and very hpainful low will likely be coming our way.

It's lovely that you got comfort from your family who came to the funeral. We have spoken about friends coming and we're thinking that it may be nice if a couple of our closest friends do come.

We haven't thought of anything for Sonny yet. Sadly, today has been taken up with visiting the funeral directors and starting to plan the funeral. A pretty grim day by all accounts. I'm looking forward though to choosing something beautiful for our beautiful boy. Thanks again for the link- there are some really lovely pieces on there.

Your bracelet sounds lovely and so precious. And what a lovely idea to have a forget me not tattoo to reflect the one from your memory box. I have been thinking about a tattoo, having never had one before. Maybe a little sunflower for Sonny; a reminder of him, close to me. I probably need to wait a while before doing anything though- I'm so all over the place, anything could happen!

Bless you, but I'm really not strong. I wake up at 3am every day as that's the time I'm used to being woken up by Sonny's moving about. And each time I remember afresh and howl into my poor husband. And today my little one, who has a speech delay and has struggled with conversation, said 'mummy you are so sad'. It broke my heart.

Sorry for the epic ramble. I have written a letter to Sonny this evening that I am going to try and read at the funeral, and our funeral plans are starting to take shape. So today has been really rough day. Thanks for so much for helping me get through it xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

i only got my tattoo a few months ago and it was my first one too! i didnt want something too obvious so people questioned it all the time but it is perfect.

im glad you are making steps forward with the funeral. it will be a relief once sorted and out of the way. great that dp has agreed to friends too.

have you decided what you are having on the day? the letter to Sonny sounds lovely and it will be amazing if you can read it on the day. if not keep.it for yourself and put it in his memory box and at least it is safe and with his other things.

your other dc must be a little ray of light in all of this and although what was said was sad, wow that is great for a child with speech problems. i hope they are showing you a lot of love throughout all of this.

[teaandbics]

It sounds really beautiful. I've always loved forget me nota and this has such a special meaning. You have my mind racing now about sunflower tattoos! It's nice to have a positive thought to focus on.

Yes, you're right and it does feel a little better to now be talking about and planning the funeral, although there is always a terrible slump afterwards when it hits us what we are actually doing.

We have chosen a couple of poems (thank you so much everyone for the suggestions) and two songs that were special to us when I was pregnant. So far, just hearing them makes me cry so much that I'm wondering whether it'll be too much. But then they were songs for Sonny, and it's going to hurt like mad whatever, so maybe it's best to keep them. And yes we are both going to try and read something. I like the idea of putting my letter in Sonny's memory box if I decide that I can't read it at the funeral. That way, either way, it is given to him. That's as far as we have got so far, but it feels like massive progress considering we couldn't even think about it a couple of days ago. You have all given me the encouragement to face the funeral, so thank you everyone for your kindness.

Yes, my 3 year old is a lovely little rascal and has boundless energy so he keeps me going (whether I want to or not). It was pretty amazing and stopped us in our tracks to hear him say that out of the blue given his speech struggles. It was a proper sentence too, so it was an amazing moment, although it was so sad.

Yes my husband and little one are keeping me afloat, just. I am very lucky to have them. Hopefully, soon I can look after them as well as they have for me.

Thank you ginger. As always, you make it feel a lot less lonely xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

you will have to have a google! my dm got a dandelion clock for lucas and db got a beautiful angel with blue halo. theyre obvs into tattoos ha!

oh i think it will be nice to play sonnys songs and if you cry thats ok. sounds like you have made some big forward steps and i remember how difficult that is right now.

how have you been feeling today?

[lilydaisyrose]

Proud of you tea. My heart breaks for your sadness, huge love to you.