Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

[teaandbics]

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

[teaandbics]

Wow, that is so cool about the family tattoos!

Thanks ginger. I think you're right - it would be really nice to play Sonny's special songs and I'm going to cry anyway. It does feel like we've done a lot although we still have loads of think about. But just getting out of bed is such an effort at the moment so we're doing ok.

It's been a pretty rotten day to be honest. I spent the day with my MIL, who really is lovely and so kind. But she suggested meeting up with my sister in law and her husband at the weekend (yep, the one who is due a few days after us). I was so upset although I tried my best not to show it as she was quite flustered and obviously gutted when she realised how shocked I was and I blurted out no way. Her thinking was that it may be good for me to see people before the funeral, as so far I have seen no one other than my mum and MIL. But they are the people that it will be hardest for us to see, at least for a while. Any pregnant women is hard for me to see, let alone someone who is having a baby days after Sonny was due. I'm trying to remind myself that people will inadvertently upset us while having the verybbest of intentions. But I'm so sad to think that even people who really do love us just won't understand the things that we will struggle with. These things are going to happen I guess.

How was your day? Good I hope x

[bettyswalls]

I'm so sorry. I'll light a candle for Sonny, I know it doesn't make a difference but I am thinking of you all.

[teaandbics]

Thank you Betty. It really does make a difference. You're thinking of Sonny and that's so important to me. For him to be thought of and remembered. It's so lonely and so very hard at the moment, and kind words like yours make a big difference. Thank you x

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh that's awful. i guess she had good intentions but noone can know what's right or wrong.

maybe when the time comes you will fine some comfort in your baby dn?

it might sound weird but i was always happy for people with babies and just hoped they knew how lucky they were.

about 4 months after lucas was born my db found out him and dp were expecting and were already 5 months along. his dp had always told me she didnt want any other kids. i remember my db and dm phoning to tell me the news like it wasn't weird or.wouldnt affect me at all. for a couple of hours i was devastated. she had been drinking loads doing heavy lifting etc and although i would never wish anything sad on anyone else i couldnt get my head round why my ds had died.

it soon lifted though and by the end i couldnt wait for dn to make an appearance. i love her and she has brought a little bit of happiness to my life. the thing is if i want another baby i can try for one. it wont replace lucas but i will be a mother with a baby just like all the others. god i have some weird way of saying things but hopefully that ill all help in some way / make sense.

[teaandbics]

She did have good intentions. She's a lovely person. She just didn't properly understand that we need to wait until we really are ready to see them, and especially to see their baby without us being terribly sad about it all. And it is far too soon for that right now. Like you, I have always been happy for people with babies, even through the tough years of trying for our little one and thinking he'd never come. I'm sure when we are ready we will take great joy in our little nephew, we just need some time. She gets that now I think.

What you said all makes sense. It's really lovely to hear that your dn has brought such happiness into your life x

[gingerbreadmanm]

hope u r doing ok tea

[lilydaisyrose]

How are you doing tea? Any news from the hospital?

[teaandbics]

Hello ginger and lily. Thanks so much for your messages. (Ginger I'm so sorry- I'm not sure how I missed your message. My notifications don't seem to be synched up with the thread).

It's been a really tough week. It feels like it's getting harder at the moment. I'm wondering if it's that the shock has now worn off and reality has set in. The post mortem meeting is in September and I'm desperate for it to come around and dreading it all at the same time. But Sonny finally came back from post mortem so after a really long and painful delay we at last have a date for the funeral (next Thursday).

I've just had a text from a mum whose little girl will be at the school nursery with my little one in September. She saw my DH yesterday and he explained what has happened. She is due at the beginning of September, a week after I was due to have Sonny. It was a lovely message and I've had the mother of insensitive messages from someone this week, so I'm really grateful for her kindness and sensitivity. But I am so panicked at the thought of seeing her and her new baby at nursery every day. It's made me realise how hard it's going to be when my sister in law's baby comes. I knew that already, but I didn't really understand it if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I hope yore both well. You're so kind for thinking of me. I hope you've both had good weeks Xxx

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh tea i am glad he is finally back and your have been able to plan saying a proper goodbye to him. it's awful waiting for it to come round just do what you need to to keep going between now and then.

i would try not to worry about how you will feel around the other new babies due soon. in all honesty you wont know until it happens what you will feel like.

i worried a lot with my niece at first but then it dawned on me it wasnt a 'baby' i was grieving for and missing it was my son and noone elses baby will ever compare to that.

i was trying to remember what i was like in the early days just recently and it's all such a blur. i just wanted to say after a year, for me at least, it feels a lot better. just hang on in there.

[teaandbics]

Yes, it's a good thing that Sonny is back and we can finally have the funeral and say goodbye properly. It's been going on for so long that I was starting to lose my nerve about having a funeral at all, as I know it's going to be a really hard day. And very hard afterwards.

I guess I'll have to see how I feel. It's not the baby I'm going to feel sad about I don't think. I want Sonny, no one else's baby. It's the constant reminder of how old Sonny would have been and what he would have been doing that'll be hard. And it's family, so there's no getting away from having to face it.

I'm very glad to hear that it's a lot better for you now. Honestly, I can't imagine it being better right now. I'm broken every morning when I wake up and remember, and I'm hating our house which is a constant reminder. Today, DH and I were taking our little one out and we bumped into a childminder I know from playgroup who checked the pram all puzzled and asked where the baby was. I couldn't even speak properly I just bawled my eyes out. But I need to hear it'll get better so thank you. And thanks for thinking of us xxx

I really want to move and we're looking at places now. I don't know if it's knee jerk, but I'm panicky when I leave home in case I see anyone. I feel like I need to be away from reminders. Did you or anyone else move after you lost your babies? Xx

[gingerbreadmanm]

Sadly, we moved for our baby. had only been in three weeks when we discovered he had died. i thought i would struggle with it but i find some comfort in it. i did struggle with the empty spare room at first.

we live in a small(ish) community too so everyone knew what happened to us. but i found that comforting in a way. i kind of felt better knowing people knew what a hard time we had had.

yes sorry i know babys will make you think that. i dont think of lucas's due date just the day he was born although my friend was due the same day as me and she was showing me pics of her daughter the other day which did make me wonder what Lucas would have been like. we're always going to have that though, that will always be a part of life now.

i think for me, seeing people with young families, walking to the park, doing really normal things. They're the things that bring a lump to my throat. I always find myself thinking how you just take those things for granted and assume when you want to be a family you can.

Take each day as it comes and see how you feel at the time. Did you manage to book something for after the funeral?

[Itscurtainsforyou]

I'll be thinking of you on Thursday

I found seeing babies tough - but worse when I wasn't expecting to see them. Do you think you can brace yourself for it if you know it's coming?

I understand you wanting to move. All I'd say is that I'd avoid making any big decisions right now. I wanted to do all sorts of big things as a reaction to our loss but my OH asked me to wait. Nothing wrong with looking though.

Thinking of you

[teaandbics]

Oh goodness, that must have been tough. I'm glad though that you found comfort in your new place.

You're right that if people know, they then realise that something terrible has happened. People are generally very kind. I'm just pretty shy at the best of times and normally extremely private (which is why this thread and everyone's advice has been amazing for me). So having to speak to people about this, which is so personal and so painful is tough. Especially people I hardly know. But I guess the more people I see and have to tell the easier it'll get. I hope so anyway.

You're right that the wondering about what our babies would have been like/what they would have been doing is here forever now. And that's the way it should be, as very hard as it is. The wondering is remembering.

I completely agree about every day family things being the ones that choke you. Seeing any family with a couple of children just doing ordinary things is hard at the moment. But I know that I'm lucky to have my little boy, and this has been a massive and terrible lesson in gratitude.

Thanks ginger. I am concentrating on getting through the day. Making myself get out of bed, taking my little one out to play even though I really don't want to. That's all kind of an achievement at the moment because all I want to do is hide. And cry. I'm keeping my expectations low!

We managed to book to go away the day after the funeral. Our original plan of camping in a yurt didn't happen (owner cancelled at the last minute). That would have been quite something for a committed central heating and running water girl. But we are going far away together in a cottage with plenty to keep our little boy happy. So I'm happy about that.

Thanks so much for your messages. I really appreciate it xxx

.

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh tea that's good i think you will be glad of the break and a chance to breathe a bit.

i don't want to keep bringing the thread back to me.

it must be difficult finding it hard to speak to others so please please keep coming back on here and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

[teaandbics]

Thank you Itscurtains. That's really kind of you.

I'm sorry that you found seeing babies tough. This is so hard isn't it. That's something that may make it easier though (preparing myself for seeing babies, especially my nephew). I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you. Not sure any level of preparation will help with seeing pregnant women, as I have such sad associations with pregnancy now, but I'm hoping that'll get easier as time passes.

Our DH's sound similar! Mine is being very good and saying that looking at places is fine but that we shouldn't rush into any massive decisions unless we're sure. It's hard not to want to run far away though.

Thank you. I'm so grateful that you're all thinking of me. I'm very lucky to have the support xx

[teaandbics]

Thanks. I'm really looking forward to getting away. It has been hard to breathe here. I'm glad of the chance to take a big breath out and hoping it'll help with that panicked feeling.

You're really not doing that at all. I find it so helpful when people explain how this has affected them and talk of their experiences. That's why I came on here in the first place. I was desperate to speak to anyone who had been through this and understood, as I felt (and still do feel) so desperately lonely. And, genuinely, the encouragement I've had has kept me going. My DH keeps telling me how wonderful you all are. And he's right. He's so happy that I am able to find some support.

I still haven't managed to speak to any of my friends. I don't know why. They are all lovely and keep sending messages to let me know they're here when I'm ready. It's too raw at the moment I think. So what you said was lovely

Xx

[villainousbroodmare]

Hi Tea, hope you're doing as well as you can. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking if you and have kept a series of bunches of sunflowers glowing on our kitchen window sill since I first read your story. I'll continue to think of your little son, Sonny. Somehow your story has touched me so much. You sound lovely. Give your big boy a hug from me.

[gingerbreadmanm]

you might not feel up to it but are you and your friends a close group?

could you all meet together and kind of get it over and done with in one go?

i think it might help you to be able to talk about Sonny to your friends how you have been feeling?

[teaandbics]

Oh villainous. Your message really made me cry. But it made my heart swell at the same time, that you've been thinking of our Sonny and had sunflowers on your kitchen window sill for him. We've had them our our kitchen window sill too. Thank you for your really lovely message. I will give my little one that hug. Bless you xxx

[teaandbics]

Yes, we're close. The four of us have been friends since high school. I was thinking about meeting everyone together, I think you're right that it may be easier that way.

I'm sure it would help to talk to them. I am struggling to speak to anyone apart from my DH though. I saw my friends for lunch the day before my horrible scan and they were so excited. I think maybe it's that difference that I'm struggling with; of being pregnant and ecstatically happy and having a lovely time the last time I saw them all to now, Sonny being gone and being totally heartbroken. Who knows. I hope I can see them soon. I finally sent them a photo of Sonny this week. They were really grateful I think. It was a small way of trying to let them in, and I think they understood that.

[gingerbreadmanm]

they will expect you to fall apart. you are going through something noone should ever have to go through. that's ok. they're your friends they will be there for you and probably break down with you.

[teaandbics]

I think they will break down. I'm scared of that, as I'm only just keeping afloat. But as you say, they're my friends. And we've all been through so much together. Hopefully I can see them soon.

Thank you as always ginger. You are wonderfully kind.

Wishing all of you kind ladies a lovely weekend. Thank you xxx

[gingerbreadmanm]

it might do you good to get it out of your system.

thank you. i hope yours is as well as can be xx

[teaandbics]

❤️

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Oh Sweetheart. I'm thinking of you at such a devestating time. You don't need me to tell you that life can so brutal to the nicest of people at times.
Sonny what a beautiful name and for a beautiful little boy. He'll make heaven an even better place.
Sleep peacefully with the angels little man. xxx