Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

[teaandbics]

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

someone in your life

Dear Teaandbics, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little fellow. He knew your voice and he was warm and cosy. Hugs and a sincere prayer for peace for you and your family.

What a horrible shock for you. You write so eloquently about it and I hope it helped a bit to put it into words.

Please don't feel guilty, anyone would have done the same as you and felt reassured after feeling a strong kick and assumed all was ok.

It's so sad how many women experience this. If it would help to chat with others there are probably local support groups, as well as SANDS.

Take care lovely.

Hi teaandbics I'm so so sorry for your loss. There is a fantastic place for babylost parents. I hope you find some peace.

I am so sorry for your loss. You write beautifully about your gorgeous Sonny.

I have two suggestions in response to what you have said. Firstly, you should not feel it is too early for counseling. Counseling isn't going to try to 'cure' you of your grief, it will help you deal with the enormity of the emotions you are processing right now. I recommend you try at least one session as soon as you can.

Secondly, I don't think you should have to feel you need to keep anything a secret from your sister in law. You don't have to be the one to tell her but another family member could. Any kind of secrecy, however kindly meant, would be an extra drain on you at a time when you simply don't have the energy.

Northern- he looked so much like his brother that we were startled. It was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Alb1- thank you. I'm so sorry about your daughter. You called the hospital- you shouldn't feel at all guilty. I'm glad it is a bit less raw for you but so sorry you have to suffer this awful pain

Starch- your message made me cry. I'm really glad to hear that SANDS helped you

Itsalwayssunny - your name resonates so much! I'm so sorry about your baby boy. Thank you - once I can put a coherent sentence together I may well PM you if that's ok

Eat- I'm so sorry about your baby boy. SANDS sound like an incredible help. Once I'm ready I will definitely look into them a bit more

Kate-what a beautiful and kind post. Thank you.

Thank you all for all of your posts. Such kindness xxx

I'm so terribly sorry this has happened to you. There are no words to describe how horrific it is.

My second son was stillborn at 32 weeks over 9 years ago and I promise it does get easier to bear. I know that is faint consolidation to you now however and my heart genuinely breaks for you.

Sonny is a beautiful name and I'm sure he was a beautiful boy. sendjbg you so much love and wishes for peace in your hearts.

Ah I thought he might. I was the image of my uncle when I was born. He'd died three years earlier as a teen in an accident. My grandparents and parents were shocked but I know they came to feel very glad too. Its good to see where somebody 'fits' in a family I think. It won't feel like that now but in years to come I think you'll feel glad you could see that strong resemblance.

Sortit - I'm so sorry about Lizzy (what a beautiful name and what a wonderful friend you are). I do have lovely friends who I know would listen and give me that outlet to talk about Sonny. I'm not sure why I can't speak to any of them. I think maybe it's that once I do I'll have to accept that Sonny really is gone.

Villainous- what you said about Sonny being warm and cosy and knowing my voice. A lovely thought at a horrible time x

Your beautiful little son sounds like a little gem.

So sorry for your loss.

Much love and hugs to you. Wish they were real ones. Thinking of you. Can't imagine the pain.

Nothing to add, except wishing you and your family strength and comfort at this appalling time. I cannot even imagine your hurt. Your child Sonny sounds beautiful. Xx

Teaandbics, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy, and your love for him shines through every post you have made on here
Just another post to let you know you are not alone, and Sonny will be loved and remembered

I can't speak for anyone else, but I would like to share my story with you.

My name is Kate, me and my partner Ryan fell pregnant with a much loved and longed for baby girl. Unfortunately, I fell I'll with ovarian cancer during my pregnancy. We got to 30 weeks and I had a c section after becoming gravely I'll. To everybody's surprise my precious baby girl, Evie was stillborn. I lost my ovaries that day too.

The first few months were a blur, I could "get on" with normal everyday tasks. My life wasn't my own anymore.

I didn't want to be alone, but I was no company to be around either.

I think that period was shock. In the back of my mind death didn't seem so final. I'm not stupid, I knew she couldn't come back but I was in denial. How could our little girl just be gone?

Months went by, dumb and despair I made my way through, barely. My mind was on always, hoping somehow she knew I loved her and missed her.

Time went on. Slowly, very slowly, I started to smile again. A little bit. I'd have lots of bad days with an hour or so ok moments. I felt guilty for having those back then.

I used to Google and try and find people and ask the same questions you have here today. People would tell me it got easier. I didn't truly believe then. The pain was so big, I couldn't see past it.

But I promise you this - there will be times you feel like you can't go on. You will spend a very long time wondering why your baby. People won't understand you and will say the most idiotic things. You will snap. Then, from that, you will slowly rebuild yourself. It will still hurt but you will find something inside of you that you didn't know was there, and it will pull you through.
This is a journey none of us ever wanted to be on. It's not going to be easy.

It's been 3.5 years for us now. I get by day to day. I don't cry much anymore, that raw feeling slowly changes. You learn, somehow to carry your beloved baby in your heart.

I know atm all you want is your baby back, you want the pain to stop, you want to feel reassured there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. And it's important you feel all of these emotions.

I promise you, from my heart to yours, it will become bearable one day. It will change you, but of course it would, your basket your is loved so fondly. You are a mother. Forever changed.

Xxx

LittleMoon- it really did help to put it into words about my Sonny. Thank you all for listening x

Doit - thanks very much for the link. I'll take a look x

Sycamore- what you said about the purpose of counselling makes sense. Thank you. I hope it helps. I think you're right about the secrecy being a drain. We have been thinking about telling them as we are getting quite stressed about the funeral. Having originally thought that it may be best if it was just the 3 of us there (as it would be unfair for my husband's brother and my sister in law to be the only ones unaware/not there) we're now sad at the thought of that

Essex- I am so sorry about your son. It does help to know that it does get easier to bear as that seems impossible right now.

Northern - that is a lovely way of thinking about the resemblance between our boys. It's heartening that your likeness to your uncle gave your family such comfort. I'm looking forward to a time when it brings me some peace rather than pain x

Xx

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Much love to you, and all the posters who have lost their beautiful children. x

Oh Kate. I am so, so sorry. Thank you for your post and your kindness in trying to give me some hope that things will become more bearable. Your words about learning to carry my beloved baby in my heart are running through my mind. All I want is to have Sonny back but I can't have that, hard as it is to accept. So it gives me hope that one day I can think of Sonny in a way that is full of my love for him, and is not clouded by the pain and sadness. Thank you

Thank you everyone for your messages. I am so overwhelmed by your kindness. Some light during truly dark days xx

Please do have the funeral you feel would be best for Sonny. I wish you every strength in making the arrangements and getting through the most difficult times.

I should also say that when I felt lonely and awful at home alone one night in the depths of grief after a miscarriage, I rang the Samaratians late at night. They are not just for people feeling suicidal but will offer a listening ear for anyone who feels that they need to talk. So if you feel like it have nowhere else to turn, in the long dark nighttime hours, then I just wanted to remind you that this wonderful option exists and would listen to you with care and no pressure.

What a heartfelt post. I adore the name Sonny!

Sending you all the love and strength in the world tea

Xxx

I am so so sorry.

Sonny was my grandad's name. I never actually met him as he sadly died before I was born, but in the stories I have been told he sounded like a lovely man. I think it is a lovely, fitting name for your little boy. In time I hope the sight of sunflowers can give you peace

I am so very sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of lovely Sonny tonight.

Sycamore- I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. It is so dreadful to deal and cope with. I'm glad that the Samaritans gave you some comfort. I would never have thought of contacting them but it makes perfect sense. Just having someone to listen. Yes, we do need to go honour our Sonny properly and ensure that we are as happy as we can be with the funeral arrangements. (Writing that sentence seems unbelievable. Arranging a funeral for our baby).

tinytoucan- thank you for your lovely message. It has surprised me how happy it has made me to hear people say that they love the name Sonny. Your grandad sounds like he was wonderful. Sunflowers. Yes, I hope so much that one day I can look at them and think of my beautiful boy in peace, without the pain that they bring me now x