Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

[teaandbics]

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

[teaandbics]

Hello collars. Thanks so much for your message and sorry for the delay in responding.

It's been a really hard few days. I'm doing pretty badly after the arrival of my DN. It has me constantly focused on what I should be doing now with Sonny and that's so hard and sad.

But yes I'm really looking forward to my DH being off and to us getting away. I'm very, very worried about the PM meeting even though my DH is happy to go and has promised he'll tell me everything afterwards.

I've had some breathing space and I hope it continues.

Thanks so much for thinking of me. You're so kind xxx

[teaandbics]

Hello ginger. Thanks for your message and sorry for the delay.

Thank you. Yes, it's so difficult. I totally understand that there's a new baby and people are rightly excited. It's not fair to expect them not to be. I just hadn't realised quite how awful it would be to hear about it. It just makes me long for Sonny even more.

Yes my DH is going to do exactly that. I'm hoping it'll work.

I'm doing ok. In that I'm getting out of bed and keeping going as best I can. It's been a really horrible and difficult week though. The arrival of my DN has completely thrown me. I keep imagining what they're doing and thinking that we should be doing that with Sonny. I'm trying not to, as it very painful. But we properly celebrated our little one's birthday today. He had a ball, and that felt good.

Wishing you a great weekend. Thank you for thinking of me xxx

[gingerbreadmanm]

tea i think that was a great move texting your bil. it's a shame that they have taken it as a green light to give you an influx of information on the baby.

could your dp have a word with them and tell them you are still finding it difficult but could they take your lead as such so only mention when asked?

it's a difficult situation all round.

i hope you are doing ok.

[teaandbics]

Hello collars.

Thanks so much for your message and for thinking of us.

Yesterday was a mixed day. I had real relief that my DN wasn't born the same day as my little one. His birthday remains something special just for him and not such a terribly sad thing amongst too much sadness. But my DH's family's euphoria about a new baby has meant that there has been a bit of a lack of sensitivity in some of the things they've said. The up side has been that it has made me and DH feel even closer. We know that we are going to need each other so much to cope with everything. We have developed a bit of a seige mentality, which sadly I think we will need.

I am preparing myself for a period where I don't see any of my DH's family, which does make me sad as me and my MIL are close. While they are not pushing us to see DN which is a good thing, we feel pushed by the attempts to bring him into our conversations. My DH agrees that it may be best, although I know they will be upset. But I also know that there will be lots of attempts to talk about my SIL and DN - it has already started - and neither of us is ready for that. I'm quite anxious about it. I'm the least confrontational person in the world. And I hate drama. But we can't see another way at the moment. It's tough.

Yes DH is back at work. I really wish he wasn't. I do so much better when he's here. But we are all away next week so not long till we have some time together. We are off to Spain the day after our PM meeting. I have decided though that I'm not going to the meeting. I have been desperate for it to come around (literally counting the days down) but it's just the wrong time for me now. I'm worried that if I find it distressing, as I'm sure I will whether there's an answer or not, I'll end up in such a low place that I'll find it very hard to cope. I hope I don't regret it. DH is going to go.

Yes I guess it was good that they came back. But it has increased my worry about seeing people. You are right, people's thoughtlessness is so hurtful.

Sorry, what a ramble! Thanks so much for thinking of us.

XXXX

[teaandbics]

Hi ginger. Yes it's sad isn't it, that loss of innocence. It now feels like an amazing feat to me when babies make it safely.

I think everyone is too nervous to contact me to see how I'm doing with DN's arrival. I also suspect that my DH has told them not to.

I decided to be brave and sent a very brief congratulatory text to my BIL. It just felt like the right thing to do. He sent a nice response and my MIL also texted to say that she thought it was wonderful that I did that. But she then went on to speak about my SIL and how she and the baby are doing and when they're coming home. It was only brief and she did it in the context of when she'll be free to catch up with us. But I really, really didn't want to hear it. I may be being unreasonable, but I also feel like if I am I'm surely allowed to be at the moment. It feels like my trying to do the right thing gave the impression that I'm fine with hearing about them. Obviously I'm not. No way near it. Not yet. I think maybe she just really wants that to be the case, as the alternative is massively awkward. I know there was no malice intended at all. She is the kindest person and would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. But I'm so sad that I need to spell out what I can cope with at the moment, as it seems so obvious. I'm going to take your advice though and do whatever we need to get through.

Yes you're so right, the struggles are all different aren't they? I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your bf's pregnancy. I would also find it very difficult to be around anyone who was blasé/blissfully unaware during their pregnancy, despite mourning the loss of that innocence. I really hope it eases for you.

x

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh tea i am glad dn arrived when she did and is well. like u i have massive anxiety around babies making it here safely now.

has anyone made contact with you about the new arrival to see how you are doing?

i think take each day as it comes. don't worry about others or how they may feel. right now you need to focus on you and your family and finding a way through this all.

it's funny actually when my db told me they were expecting it hurt like hell at first but then i quickly got passed it however my bf is recently pregnant and i am finding this one really difficult. she seems so naieve and blaze and i guess im envious of that. i guess we struggle in different ways.

[teaandbics]

Hello August. Thank you so much for your message. (I think you're great with words).

I am so very sad and sorry about your son.

I can imagine how hard it must have been with your oldest son's birthday being so close in time to losing your baby boy. Especially at 13, as it is a 'big' birthday. We had thought it best to delay celebrating but in the end we also felt guilty for not doing anything, despite our little one not really understanding much about birthdays yet (his favourite bit is singing 'Happy Birthday'. Presents and cake are not much of a big deal to him so far). But as you say, you have to do what you can to cope.

I hope things will be ok with my SIL and other family but can't imagine it at the moment. I don't want to be pretending and having to hear how they are all doing and equally I don't want to have a horrible 'I don't want to hear about them' conversation either as that'll just make me (and everyone else) feel bad. That makes me not want to see anyone in the family as it will be so painful and awkward. Especially my lovely MIL as she will want to 'fix' things. But I know it's very early days.

I know exactly what you mean about the ashes. I cried so much at the terrible irony. But once we set off on our weekend away we both found great comfort in having Sonny with us. How wonderful to hear about your yellow rose. That is such a lovely image. I have already ordered sunflower seeds and cannot wait to plant them. I love the idea of Sonny smiling at me when they are in bloom.

Thanks again for your lovely message. I will give my DS those hugs xxx

[AugustRose]

Hello tea, I am so sorry to read about your beautiful baby Sonny and I am thinking of you.

You have had some lovely words and advice from other posters here and I hope they can help you as you go through each day. I am not great with words but understand exactly how you are feeling, we lost our 4th baby at 37 weeks and he would be 7 years old today.

It was our oldest DS birthday 6 days after our baby died and I remember feeling so guilty that he didn't have a nice day, he was 13 which seemed such an important age and yet we couldn't really celebrate. But you get through each day and event as best you can and I really feel for you with your SIL. Hopefully she and other family will be sensitive with you and DH and not expect too much. If they do that's for them to deal with, you can only cope as best you can.

Going to get my son's ashes was a strange day, it was upsetting but at the same time I was glad to have him in my arms, to know he was back with us. His ashes are planted under a yellow rose that blooms (and is right now ) with beautiful roses every year and they grow because of him. Perhaps you could plant sunflowers next year and when they bloom you can imagine Sonny smiling at you.

Take care each day and hug your DS extra tight x

[teaandbics]

Daily- thank you so much for your message.

I am still seeing sunflowers everywhere. They bring me joy but of course a huge amount of sadness. But they are a constant visual sign of our baby. And that's a very special thing
x

[teaandbics]

Bran - it's hard to think that.
But thank you ❤️

[teaandbics]

Hello belle. Thank you so much. You're so right, it'a a surreal and strange world to me now. Collecting my baby's ashes on the day I was due to have him. What a life.

But your message made me smile - look what I found:
🌻🌻🌻

Xx

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your lovely little baby boy.

I am thinking of you all.

Sunflowers for Sonny is beautiful.x

[teaandbics]

Thanks you collars for your lovely and kind message. My little one had a grand old time in the sun. (I gave him that squeeze x)n

I really did find the tension of waiting to hear unbearable, which resulted in huge tears and sadness when I found out last night that she'd been in labour all day. I'm finding the fact that people now have discussions about me and what I can/can't cope with knowing/hearing very difficult to deal with, even though I know it comes from a very kind place. It makes me feel like I am losing control of everything.

Thanks for your advice about sending a card. I have wondered this morning if I should send a message to say congratulations. I know that bit I could do. But I'd absolutely dread the response. So think I'll leave it to DH. I hope they understand.

Thank you so much for what you said about Sonny being carried in my heart and present always. It is so hard to move beyond the physical loss of him. The yearning to have him in my arms. But you put it beautifully. And I'll have to try my best to think of that when I'm feeling the enormous loss of him.

Thank you - but I certainly wasn't any of those things last night. I had just had enough at the thought of more sorrow; having to share my little one's birthday in such a painful way. I was a mess. But I am trying.

x

[Branleuse]

Im so so sorry for your loss Teaandbics. Please look after yourself. There is likely nothing you could have possibly done :( xx

[teaandbics]

Ginger - you're so lovely. Thank you as always x

It was a very hard day in the end. We tried our best to give our little one a special day, albeit that we weren't celebrating his birthday, and he seemed to have a lot of fun. But it was very bittersweet for us; my heart ached for Sonnny all day. And amongst the lovely moments with our boy there were some real lows.

My SIL went into labour yesterday. My DH hadn't wanted to tell me but broke in the evening when I made him promise to tell me if he had news, as the not knowing was making me more and more anxious. She had gone into labour at lunchtime. I was so sad and angry at that point. With my poor DH. With everything. And just so exhausted with it all. It was such a crash after a day where I'd tried so hard to make some new and special memories for our little boy and to just keep going.

In the end, she had a baby boy this morning. I'm glad the baby is ok (I have massive anxiety about babies arriving safely now). And I feel very relieved that it's not the same day as my little one; he still gets to have a day that is just about him and not infused with sadness. But now their baby is here reality has hit about all of our relationships, and how very hard they will be.

We also experienced our first instance of someone trying to cross the road to avoid us. I kept reading that it happens, but couldn't quite believe it. But it did. A couple whose little one sometimes plays with ours saw us and obviously knew. They gave a nod and an uncomfortable smile and walked past. When they'd gone a little way they stopped and turned around (by now I was crying) and came back to say sorry and that they didn't know what to say. I kept thinking, we have lost our beautiful baby. We are broken. All you have to say is sorry. And you were just going to walk past us because it was all too much for you.

So yes, a day of some precious moments with our birthday boy, but also with a lot of sadness.

And please know that you have helped me. More than you will ever know
x

[BelleEtoile]

Thinking of you OP. Hope you are doing "ok". The first few weeks are so strange and surreal. (wish there was a sunflower icon) x

[gingerbreadmanm]

i hope he has a lovely day. he is very lucky to have lovely parents like you i know today must be very difficult.

i will keep my fingers crossed that dn holds off making her appearance today too. i can only imagine how stressful that would be.

if i can help even one person having to go through this devastating situation, well it will make me feel a little better for my experience of it.

just keep on going xx

[teaandbics]

Hello ginger.

Thank you so much for your message. I'm so happy that a year down the line you are feeling much better. You deserve that and so much more. And I'm so grateful that you take the time to look after someone walking the same steps that you have. Your kindness amazes me. All of the kindness we have been shown by you lovely ladies who have sadly suffered loss, or who have had those close to you suffer it, is a tribute to those babies.

Yes, it's my little boy's birthday today- thank you for remembering! We hadn't planned to do anything as it has crept up on us with everything, and we wanted to wait and give him a proper day rather than do it half hearted. But it's a gorgeous day and when you're 3 scootering around a lovely park is as good as it gets. So it feels like a mini celebration just being together and out today. I am trying to push down the sorrow that is coming in huge waves at the thought that there should be 4 of us together. But today is a day for counting blessings, so I'm trying my best to do that

Xxx

[gingerbreadmanm]

collar thank you for that. people say that but the worda you have used have really brought it home to me at least.

tea collar is right. i struggle now to remember what i felt like this time last year. i never thought just a year down the line that i would feel much better. it will come.

when you dn arrives do whatever you feel. nobody will question your reaction, most people will feel your grief and understand. it wont be like that forever but at first it might be difficult.

is it your other childs birthday today?

[teaandbics]

Hello collars. Thank you so much for your lovely message and for thinking of us. What you said about seeing the sunflowers at the fair made me cry. But it was also a truly special thing to hear. (I have seen sunflowers everywhere this weekend. We were brought up short on a country lane by a field of sunflowers that appeared out of nowhere).

I am so sorry and sad to hear about your friend's baby girl. I'm so glad that she found some peace and what you said about her love for her baby girl was beautiful.

I can't imagine the rawness and sorrow and pain lessening at the moment. So it does give me comfort to hear that that can and will happen.

Thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to give me words of comfort. That's so kind of you.

'..the warm happiness we get when we are cuddled by the person who most loves us in the world'.

I'll be thinking of those words x

[teaandbics]

Hello itscurtains, lily and ginger. Thank you so much for your messages, love, and for thinking of us.

Yes, itscurtains, I can't imagine doing anything harder. But it was comforting, which I hadn't expected. And ginger you are right that it was nice to have Sonny's ashes with us. While at first that made me so sad, it felt right. All I can think about is Sonny.

As I'd feared, I had a massive crash afterwards. But it was good to get away. I'm hating being back now though. Everything here is a reminder.

I am getting through the days as best I can. But I'm anxious - my SIL's baby is due any day. I can feel all the family's anxiety about it and I'm feeling the pressure in terms of my reaction. We have had such a stressful and sad few days, and now I'm praying that their baby doesn't come on my little one's birthday, which is tomorrow. But I keep telling myself that if I can have a funeral for my baby the day before he was due (and be given his ashes on my induction date) then I can manage this too somehow.

I'm so grateful to you all for thinking of us. It's been a very hard few days. Having your thoughts and encouragement has helped me so much. Thank you
x