Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hi everyone i havent caught up with everyone lately so sad to see so many new faces, there is always someone here to talk too or just a space to vent. I know this weekend will be hard for many of you i will be thinking of you.

ML unfortunatly still not well have been put on sertraline for my anxiety and they are horrendously knocking me just hoping they settle down and help in the long run, feeling really poorly today. how are you doing?
Garden looks good lots growing in it and ive just repainted it from brown to green for a change.

I was given sertraline for my anxiety but just couldn't handle it , was changed unto a different one, couldn't handle that either.. I'm on beta blockers twice a day with diazepam and sleeping tablet short term... Am just about to take one to get through the rest of the day because I just had yet more upsetting and bad news.. I miss my Mum and I miss my life.. Just wish we could all get a break and feel a bit better..thinking of everyone today

Hi all. I thought id come in and ask for some advice. I lost my mum in November. I lost my dad in 2007. I have a 13mo DD. She keeps me going but I feel empty. Very empty. Will it ever go away?

Oh dad
Ds1 was 13 yesterday. 13!
We had a big family weekend - and then ds won player of the year at football too!
You would have loved it, dad. You really would.
It's so hard. Even happy times make me feel empty now because you aren't here to share it with us.
It's father day on Sunday - dh is away so at least I don't have to make the effort to be jolly this year
We got you a new tree for the cemetery as your old one died...you would have been 70 in a couple of weeks
It's your anniversary next month. 3 years.
And some days it hurts as as much as it did that awful day.
I love you, dad. I miss you. I wish you were here X

snarf yes you will feel better but at just 7 months it's really not that long. I think after the first year things improve and then continue to improve, but you will always feel the loss but it's more manageable. We will always feel the loss we have had but we have to continue as best as we can with a "new" life without the person we are grieving for. I don't think we ever entirely recover from a loss, particularly if you have had a very close bond. Your little baby I'm sure brings you a lot of love and happiness and that us what will help you to progress. You will be ok, it just takes time.

Hi Badvoc I can see how much you are still missing your dad by your lovely words to him.but you had a terrible shock that day and I don't suppose you are finding it easy even now. But you have got to where you are and hopefully things will get even better in the future. Nice to see you.

Potential you certainly will feel better In time, but that is what we all need. For some people they cope and feel OK after a few months, others it can take a lot longer. We are all different and we all cope in different ways. But at the moment for you it's only weeks ago so very early days still. If after a while you don't feel any improvement, then maybe your doctor could recommend something else for you that would help. Do you think counselling would help you ? It's not for me but for others it has been a great help. Whatever it takes to get you through this.

SM our fences are green , I prefer that. Glad your garden is ok, it's lively when you see everything growing well. Has your mums Dh been in touch at all and how are your grandparents now ?

eitak you must make yourself a cup of your dads hot chocolate and raise your cup to him, I am sure he would be delighted that you did that. Yes I think Father's Day is upsetting for a lot of people. It makes things hit home dosent it.

SSd hope you are getting on ok and coping with all the euro footi. It's driving me crazy already,but I'm sure your family, like my Dh think it's great!! I just spend more time on MN !

To anyone else that is suffering, I am thinking of you all and hope that things will soon improve for you .

Hello lin
So glad to see you still here offering comfort to those that need it - me included!
This year has been hard...mum and dad would have been married for 45 years in April and it would have been his 70th this month.
He is missed so much

Oh Badders I cried reading your messages. My dad was 70 last February and my folks did celebrate their 45 anniversary in March. We lost him in August though all of a sudden.

I can't imagine being 3 years down the line. Time is taking him away from us so quickly as it is.

to you from me

Hiding - thank you x
I'm so sorry for your loss - and all the other new posters. Such a devastating time. Lin is such a source of comfort for so many of us.
I had thought I was doing well - coping, working, looking after everyone, but...the next month or so will be hard
I remember him mostly as he was now, which is lovely. Such a kind, gentle man.
It's only bad days I remember the failed cpr, the ambulance, the dr telling us he was gone.
I heard a noise like an animal caught in a trap and realised it was coming from me
I'm not the same person I was back then... But I hope I am a better one.

I'm 11 months down the line and sometimes I feel like it's getting better, other days it feels so raw still. Nighttime is the worse, as I have a 2 year old DD I'm generally pretty distracted in the day so only hits me when the house is quiet.

My dad was only 58, it would have been his 60th later this year and he was planning a big party. He loved a party. I miss him so much.

Hello rainshowers it's strange isn't it how you can be happily going on with doing what you have to do, then all of a sudden the grief hits you again, sometimes when you least expect it. I suppose when it's quiet at night and you aren't doing other things, then for you the grief hits once again.
Your dad was young to of died and it's hard to come to terms with. I am sure you miss him immensely, but it seems you are doing your best to cope with the situation. It's very tough and upsetting but gradually. Very slowly. Life takes on a new normality, but there will be that certain person always missing and it hurts. But it's something that we can't rush, and we have to try and accept that. One day in the future, you will be able to smile about something your dad did or said without feeling quite so sad. Then you will know that the healing is taking place.

Sending love and :flowers: to you all. i'm sorry i don't know what to say although i am finding each day is a little easier and i know from experience of watching friends who'd lost parents that time is a healer and things become easier but not necessarily easy. There are so many firsts and so much we want to share with our parents it's hard when its not the case.

I went to the doctors about my anxiety that has come on since everything and was given meds. i hope they help me sleep and get on with things a little better. i know grieving takes time but when you are ovewhelmed with fear throughout the day and can't sleep you can't process the emotions. i have details for counsilloring but have been warned they probably wont accept me so close to dad's death but am meeting a bereavement visitor today which should be helpful.

Thanks mummylin, it's so true. I still can't really think about him without tears in my eyes. This time last year we were on a lovely family holiday...

I did enquire about counselling eitka

Sorry, posted too soon.
I did enquire about counselling but with work and childcare I can't find a regular space to do it. They didn't ask how long ago the bereavement was, so you might be able to start now if you feel ready. My mum had counselling immediate weeks that followed. Dad's death was totally out of the blue and as a result of an accident so she was offered it through her healthcare.

So, somewhere last month on this thread or the last one, I said how one of dad's 3 best friends had died suddenly. My dads closest friend died early this morning of a massive brain aneurism. Mum is inconsolable and I am having difficulty processing this.

There were 4 friends last August. There's now 1 of them on their own.

Enough. I have had enough. I'm not sure how to start to deal with this at all.

Oh my goodness hiding what a terrible situation you seem to be in at the moment. I am not surprised your mum and you are so upset, and how about the one friend that is left. You may need some help to deal with this, so if you feel yourself drowning in it all. Please get some professional help for yourself and maybe your poor mum too. I am very sorry you have all this to cope with.

I'm currently sitting in the hairdressers with a plastic bag on my hair, tears trickling down my cheeks. Luckily I've known my hairdresser for nearly 20 years and she knows all about Dad and everything. Mum is down with her best friend trying to help her make some arrangements. At least they can both lean on each other. I find myself worrying about how long DH and I have together. Like Mum and her best friend, I've been with my DH since I was a teenager and we've already been together over 30 years (I'm mid 40's) . I don't know how one of us would cope without the other, and seeing mum and these other ladies have gone through, I only hope I go first selfish

Hiding...
We have lost 12 family members in 3 years
It's tough
It really is
In March 2013 my dad had 3 siblings
By March 2015 my dad and all his siblings were gone
I'm trying to process it by reminding myself that my parents came from large families and were each the youngest children
I'm 43 - I go to funerals now, not weddings

hiding we've had similar, my dad was one of 5 and last year there were 3 of them left, he was the youngest and the last one who left us. Similar with his friends, there was a group of 4 there's now 2 and the 2 who are left have found it hard as they were tight knit.

It's so hard and I'm sorry I have nothing to say but to say youre not alone, hopefully you'll be able to share stories and joy about your dads friends.

Hiding..I'm so sorry .its grim and I know exactly what you mean when you say "enough".. Another day nearly over

...it got to the stage I refused to answer the landline!

Thanks folks. I've been down with a sympathy card - knowing fine well how inadequate they are at saying what you want to say - and met in with mums best pal. We had a hug and I excused going in to see her daughters (childhood friends who were so kind to me when dad died). I've been dealing with my mum all day and have a plan to go out shopping etc tomorrow to keep us both occupied.

I'm off FB, and not really msging anyone. I'm on here and dealing with mum, DH and the kids. I'm all out of energy.

Hi, I am not sure if this is the right place for me to be posting. I am finding things really hard at the moment. My dad died in February. He and my mum moved countries to come live near me in December, we had Christmas with dealing with all the paperwork of moving countries to deal with. In January dad was still lugging moving boxes up and downstairs unpacking them. Then he got a chest infection, landed in hospital, whilst there the doctors discovered cancer. A week later the cancer was confirmed and we were told it was an aggressive type. Time for chemo. Three weeks later he was gone. Such a shock.

My problem is that my mum keeps telling me I can't possibly know what she is going through, which is true, but it feels like she expects me to focus on her grief and her needs all the time. I am at her house regularly and am still ploughing through all the paperwork associated with pensions, tax returns etc for my dad. I can't give any more. How do I deal with this. Today she rings and says horrible things like "you clearly loved your dad more than me", " you don't love me" , you love the dead more than caring for the living". I know she is hurting, but I really can't give anymore. It was his birthday this week, then with fathers day tomorrow. I hurt.

Oh I'm so sorry.
I can relate...I very much feel that my mother's grief "trumps" my own
I am not allowed to make any co.saints about dh, other women with husbands still living shod be "grateful" even if they are very unhappy.
I also did everything after dad died which, in hindsight, was not a good idea.
I think sorting stuff is a part of the grieving process and one my mum didn't get.
To this day I dont thinks she has ANY idea how hard I found it all. I was just expected to get on with it.
Sadly she has become very bitter and is not nice to be around.
I wish I had some advice for you....my way of coping has been to detach somewhat....not sure if that could help?
There does seem to be a "hierarchy of grief"
I recommend the book "you'll get over it; the rage of bereavement" by Virginia ironside.
Hugs x

Badders - thank you, I will look up that book. I am sad to say that I think that my worst fear of my mum becoming very bitter, is already starting. My mum always used to comment on how her own sister was so bitter about the loss of her husband, now she is doing exactly what she criticized about.

It seems so sad that we have to detach ourselves from our surviving parent, but I guess that is the only way I can cope with it.

It is sad, yes but I've had to do it for my sanity and my family
It's all rather complicated in mums case as her health has really deteriorated since dad died and her refusal to accept this and her limited mobility is causing real issues
And of course i have a golden boy brother who can do no wrong
Sigh
It's hard
I will go to the cemetery tomorrow - I got him a new tree for his 70th which would have been this month
It's still such early days for you - I'm 3 years down the line - at your stage I was going to mums 3 X per day and it still wasn't enough
She was hospitalised a few times after dad died and it was always me who called the ambulance so it was always me who got the silent treatment for days afterwards!!
I tend to go 5 X per week now and do dr appts etc and take her shopping - my siblings only go when they want something but she won't hear a word said against them
I would lend you my copy of the book but it's on my kindle!
You might find counselling helpful in the future X