DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

[MamaTeeTee]

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

I wouldn't bother. I'd just have radio silence.

Just blank her. Time enough for a text when she gets in contact demanding them.

It's all too tense today following the FB post and you'll just get into a text row. She won't be expecting a text from you today so just leave it.

Just get your ducks in a row, get a new house, make your plans, and be vague and difficult to contact till you move.

And on no account tell her you're moving till after its done.

After you quietly move I imagine she'll soon realise she's not getting to see them anymore.

I want her to know that it's her actions that have driven me to this. I want to be clear, to the point and final. She is not having contact with my kids - she can take me to court.

We only live 2 streets away from her and she picks them up from school in Tuesday's so she needs to know. The last thing I want is a bun fight in the school yard. Just laying low won't cut it.

Explain that the tension isn't good for you or the kids. She won't be picking them up in future and you are ending contact.
Collect them early from school on Tuesday. Have an "appointment". Tell school she isn't clear to get them.

MamaTeeTee I wouldn't put anything in writing. You really don't need anymore drama. Next time she contacts you can't you put her off for a while or say the kids are not feeling like it or are busy or something a bit less confrontational than a dear John text. If you prefer to send a text then I think Wolfies is good. You might want to block her number afterwards.

I presume that you have control of your DHs Facebook page. Can you change the settings so no one can post on it?

Mama, you need to be very careful in handling this. Please don't let your anger (justifiable as it is) fuel how you deal with this. Do not give her any ammunition to use in any potential court battle that she might start. I would not put it past her to do so, so keep your powder dry. Take screen shots of everything & consider seeking advice on possible harassment - I have no idea if her posting publicly on social media about you can be considered harassment but whatever else she sends you, you need to get advice on how to deal with that.

I think you are absolutely right to stop the contact, because I think your MIL is working herself up into doing something very damaging for your DC and it's in their interests to be shielded from that.

I echo the pp who said radio silence on this is best. No communication at all and let her work it out for herself her own actions are the cause of this situation. You do not need to spell a single thing out to her. You simply need to keep your DC well away from the level of toxicity that she's dishing out. The last thing your DC need, after losing their dad, is someone doing their level best to undermine & cause harm to the only parent they can now rely upon.

Make alternative arrangements for your DC, send 1 single message advising that you no longer require her to collect DC, and then nothing. Not a word to her. Any messages she sends directly or via anyone else, don't reply.

I wish you well, and hope things settle down for you. You 3 deserve care and consideration, not all that bile.

You also need to tell the school tomorrow that she is no longer allowed to pick them up.

I would not escalate the drama any further by sending a message she will then twist.

And report your MILs post to FB for harassment.

I've been following your thread from the start. I'm sorry your mil is making things difficult for you, I can appreciate that it must be hard for her to see you moving on but you're not doing anything wrong and it's disgusting that she's questioning your kids.

I would text and say I understand it's hard for you to see me moving on with my life but as you can't refrain from making deregulate comments about me on social media and due to the fact I can't trust you not to question my children and put ideas into their head its best you don't see them for a while.

Let the school know she's not allowed to collect them.

Have you thought of getting a new phone and only given the number to people who you want to communicate with. Keep the old phone for her to text for any evidence. Let's hope karma comes to her later in life.
My brother-in-law had a heart attack and died at 45 leaving two children aged 12 and 14. My sister had a lot of help from family except her mother-in-law who now 26 years later at age 97 complains that her family doesn't want to see her. That's because you was awful to all your family including your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren including the two who lost their father who left home at 18 and wouldn't have seen his mother except my sister insisted. Be strong you are doing the very best for all of you.

I feel that this situation has gone too far. Ive kept calm for far too long but now it's got to the point where ive had to grow a back bone.
It is not at all acceptable to question 6 year olds about my life. It is not acceptable to spy on me. It is not acceptable to publicise my private life on facebook.
Whether you like it or not, I am those kids only parent. I decide what is best for them and I think (with my family's support) that this has gone too far and in the long run, they will be negatively affected by this. For this reason I'm stopping their contact with you until further notice.

Do you think this is ok?

Yes that's fine although I would take the bit out about growing a backbone, it's not that you didn't have a backbone before just that this situation is now unhealthy for your kids.

I agree with taking out the 'backbone' bit. I would also spell it out that she cannot pick them up from school on Tuesday, tell the school she is not allowed to pick them up and pick them up early this first Tuesday.

I don't think it's ok but it's up to you. I think it's too 'hot-headed'. If you really want to send something I much prefer Wolfies suggested text.

If possible, I'd try and wait a while before sending anything. Why don't you see how the job and potential house move go.

Have you thought about doing something about you and your DHs Facebook accounts?

BTW - what happened to your MIL putting a hold on the probate? Ad she actually done it or was the person that told you wrong.

I understand your feelings and agree that you have every right to feel as you do.

However

I would say sleep on it, do nothing for now.
Tomorrow tell school that she's not to collect them
Tell the Dc she's not to collect them.

She can wait until later tomorrow, or Tuesday and you can simply say that you're collecting them on Tuesday, so no need for her to collect. If you want to be clear, say "from now on"

You don't need to give her any reasons, justifications or excuses anymore. You can simply say, "it doesn't suit me/us anymore" and "I've made my decision, it's final, I'm happy with it"

Shut the lot down

I agree report the stuff to Fb and see f you can lock her out by changing passwords or something?

Keep the house/job business a top secret for now. Give nothing away to anyone, you aren't sure which bucket has the hole..

Don't send that message, don't give her anything to use against you, cos she will twist anything you say/send. Just tell her she's not needed to collect them, inform school in writing and verbally, keep copies of everything, all texts, fb stuff etc, then radio silence.

You have no need to explain or justify yourself to this vile woman, so keep it very brief.
Whatever you say to her she will take and twist to use against you, so don't give her any ammunition.
Just tell her not to collect the children on Tuesday and that from now on you will contact her if you want the children to see her.

I'm not on FaceBook, so no idea how it works, but I'd close your DH's page down, get FB admin to delete it. But take copies screen shots etc before hand. You will be able to use these to prove how vindictive she is, and probably how unbalanced, as her actions go way beyond normal grief.

I agree about getting a new phone and limiting who you give the number to.

All the very best to you, I've followed your threads since your first heartbreaking hours and can't believe the way this dreadful woman is treating you.

I agree with plectrum - and sleep on it

Remember it's all about getting the outcome you want, whilst giving MIL no ammunition to harm you now or later

So it's all about being practical

Stay strong, you can do it and have been through so much you deserve some peace

I home you get some soon x

If you are going to move home I would wait until you are nearer to moving time. Because you don't know how awful she might be after you try to stop contact.

You don't have to explain yourself. Just tell her you will be collecting the children on Tuesdays from now on.

She'll know why.

Can you not have your DH's Facebook account shut down? Here is FB's form to use in the case of a death. It's massively inappropriate for anyone to be sharing negative information of any kind on it, let alone using it to slag off his widow.

I have emailed facebook and asked for the account to be closed.
She has removed her post from there but the damage is done as far as I'm concerned.
I haven't yet text her but I am conscious I need to before she goes to pick them up tomorrow.

Mum suggested this:
I feel that this situation has gone too far. The tension isn't good for anyone involved and I think that in the long term, the kids will be negatively affected if things continue the way they are. For this reason, I'm ending your contact with the children.

What do you think?

I still disagree with texting at all, however if you must....

I would change it to say that the kids are already being negatively affected and are increasingly upset by your questioning and negativity about me. I have a duty of care towards them and can see that continued contact is clearly no longer in their best interests and is now at an end.

Mama that sounds much calmer and like you are only thinking of the kids.
I'm only sorry that you aren't getting anything other than support from this woman. So sad. Xxx

Elspeth's text is pretty good IMHO.

For this reason, I'm ending your contact with the children

I doubt it has crossed her mind you would do this - I think there is a risk she will go totally apeshit (eg lying on your doorstep screaming and sobbing which is probably what I would do if contact with my DGC was blocked).
If you are happy to deal with this and all the others who will not agree with your decision then go ahead.