DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

[MamaTeeTee]

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

The MIL has lost her son I really doubt she will happily concede to losing her DGCs.

And I think 6 months after the death of a spouse and DF it is too soon to start up another relationship. This has been discussed before on MN and I'm pretty sure the consensus was for much longer than that, especially for the DCs.

I strongly suggest you leave no written form of proof that you are removing contact.

Just say that you'll be collecting the children from school tomorrow and for the foreseeable future.

Keep everything else spoken. Or she WILL use it against you

I don't doubt she is grieving MissM, but stalking his widow and terrorising her, posting ugly comments and interrogating children is not the way to behave for any reason.

At the end of the day, grandparents have no legal right to contact.

Any contact with any adult is expressly for the benefit of the child. In this case, there simply isn't any benefit to the children to have a woman prepared to go to such lengths to hurt their mother in their lives. Not at the moment.

I'm pretty sure it's actually completely up to the OP, Margie.

Mama, hopefully a period of space between you and your MIL will make her see sense.

And MissM, what you think about new relationships after bereavement is completely irrelevant.

Many, many men who are widowed tend to partner up within months of the loss of their wife.

The OP is quite justified in her actions but it is a traumatic time for all, her actions might cause more upset for her and DCs not less.
I think she should tread warily and possibly try another tack, eg speaking to MIL accompanied by another family member to put over her views.

I would try any ideas first before trying to make a complete brea.

I think it might be worth suggesting some kind of mediation prior to estrangement?
It does sound incredibly distressing :(

I disagree 're new partners, everyone is different. My friend lost her husband after a drawn out, painful battle with cancer and she met and married quite quickly after her death. You'd have thought she'd murdered someone the way ppl carried on. It's really nobody else's business.

Good plan to close the Facebook page. Have you considered the earlier suggestions to tighten up your own account so that you can help protect yourself from gossipy or unpleasant posts?

The MIL is obviously behaving awfully but it wasn't so long ago that you said you were closer to her than your own Mum and that you loved her. Grief is no excuse for her behaviour at all but maybe it could partly explain why she has gone from someone you claimed to be close to someone who is behaving atrociously quite so quickly.

I'm really not suggesting that you go easy on her as I imagine I would be furious if I were you too however I really think it would be better to be calmer and less confrontational.

I've no idea about when is a good time to start a new relationship but regardless of when I think it's best to take things very, very slowly. There is no rush.

I think a break, an informal one, will be the best thing for all.

Cancel contact, nothing in writing, just until things settle, and until mil,has a chance to come to her senses about spying on her son's widow and intruding on the emotions of the family.

Rather than confront, distance,. Gain space and breathing room. It's natural that there will be fall out, but if it all blows up, it can be irrevocable.

Don't be pushed on anything, don't listen to gossip, don't get dragged in, just shrug and say each to their own. You , OP have enough to deal with. Without taking on the irrational meddling a of others.

I would agree with your own Facebook cull and also tighten up your own settings if necessary so your own friend list is private plus ensure all your posts are visible to your friends only. Limit past posts too if required.

I also agree with just messaging and tell her that you are collecting from school from now on - no drama, no explanation. You do not need to justify your decisions re your own children to her. End of. Don't explain or apologise - you have done nothing wrong!

I think she should tread warily and possibly try another tack, eg speaking to MIL accompanied by another family member to put over her views.

This has been done already, over and over! Various relatives have discussed this with her MIL, to no avail.

Good luck, OP. I've followed your posts on here and I'm in awe of how brilliant you've been for your kids. I could only hope to be half the mother you are if I had to deal with a situation like this. Don't back down, your MIL has behaved despicably and it is already having an awful effect on your children. Enough is enough.

Update:
I basically text MIL on Monday saying that the situation has gone too far and i feel it is negatively affecting the kids and will continue to do so if things carry on as they are, therefore I am ending contact.
I have informed the school that absolutely no one except me and my sister are to collect dc.
I haven't had a response from MIL but I expect she is getting her ducks in a row. My house is now on the market and I am sure you sat outside a house 20 miles away waiting to view it.

Anxious isn't the word

Did you get any response from Facebook?

Mama I don't want to scare you, but if you have had silence then I think you need to be cautious. This woman is plotting something

Good luck with the new house.

It sounds terribly stressful with your MIL. I don't think this'll be the last of it, I hope she doesn't get too nasty

Keep your chin up if you can - hopefully a fresh start around the corner

Out of order Miss Margie.

OP, stay strong and calm and always sleep on decisions. It will serve you well I feel.

I had a letter from her solicitor today saying that she wants me to reinstate the original arrangement or we will be referred to mediation. Wtf do I do now?

I think you need to get your own solicitor

Sad it has come to this but I'd say you need someone legal representing you so you don't have to deal with her

Don't be bullied. You've been through so much and been so strong, you can get over this hurdle too

What a nightmare for you x

I think you need to get a solicitor OP but Im not suggesting that to scare you. Its just that things are quite often better if left in their hands to deal with because its one degree of separation from reality. I suspect the FB post wont be viewed kindly and that she may have shot herself in the foot.

Im not in the Uk so what exactly does going to mediation mean?

Hey just an idea but before you incur any cost, why not post on the legs board here? You could get some legal advice as to your options before deciding what to do next

*legal board not legs board!

Tattie mediation here is a process of getting both parties in the room together to try and come to an agreement before any legal process starts.

I have no idea if it's compulsory - I strongly suspect not. It's seen as a softer / cheaper route to resolution of disputes

*Tattie mediation here is a process of getting both parties in the room together to try and come to an agreement before any legal process starts.

I have no idea if it's compulsory - I strongly suspect not. It's seen as a softer / cheaper route to resolution of disputes*

Thank you.

Im appalled by what Granny has been up to but at the same time Im not sure I'd be the sanest of people if anything happened to one of my children and I know I'd fight to see my grandchildren. But I'd also hope that those around me could keep some sort of tabs on me and prevent me from making a horrible situation a whole lot worst.

Do grandma's have any legal rights in the UK?

No, grandmas have no legal rights as far as I know unless they can prove that they have been involved to a considerable extent in their grandchildren's life.
Your mil is bluffing and her solicitor ought to know better. Mediation happens between separating couples. Having a go on the legal board is a good plan, otherwise see if you can find a solicitor who will give you a free half hour or have a word with the CAB. For the rest hold your nerve and don't react at all, not even to acknowledge receipt to anybody.
If you do anything, have a word with the police on 101 to say that your mil is harassing you over access to the children.

Solicitors letters aren't worth the paper they are written on, and are just a form of bullying, with no legal force, like getting a vicar to write on your behalf.
Grandparents have no legal right to contact in the UK, and mediation for grandparent contact is meaningless and unenforcable AFAIK, as well as costing you many hundreds of pounds; if any mediation service would even undertake it.

Some good ideas here about the Legal Board and CAB, also your house/contents insurance might include a legal advice help line.

If you can afford it, see a solicitor and perhaps get a letter sent to her saying that you confirm that you want no contact between your children and her.

As said previously, keep a very detailed record of every instance of her dreadful behaviour, including the sham she made of the funeral.

Don't be bullied now, stand your ground, or you will have the next twenty years of her telling you what you can do and who you can meet, and to me you don't sound like a woman who would take kindly to that.

Google 'grandparents access rights' .
One article does say that a judge is unlikely to refuse access to a grandparent unless they are violent or abusive to the child.

I would make a log of all that she has done (using this and your other thread to remember dates) , and talk to CAB if you cannot afford a solicitor straight off.

Mediation / Shmediation: they can't force you to accept something you are not happy about. If it did get as far as court you would look better for having tried mediation.

If you move 20 miles away (can you really manage if you do that? Friends / family etc) then surely all this contact will diminish a bit anyway?

Really sorry you have all this to deal with.