DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

[MamaTeeTee]

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

Prayers that all will go well tomorrow.

Today went better than I thought.
The verdict is basically unexplained death. They don't know the medical cause of his death. He had extensive fractures to his skull and neck and they aren't sure if there was evidence of drowning as he was so decomposed by the time he was found. The toxicology report found he had a very small amount of alcohol in his system but a rather large amount of cocaine. Twice the dose that is considered fatal. This came as a shock to me as the last time I saw him an hour before he disappeared, he was totally sober and I knew he hadn't taken anything.
They are unable to say how the van came into the sea, whether it was suicide, misadventure or an accident.

So much we will never know and I don't know what to believe. I wish he could tell me.

OMG my darling I just want to add my support. I honestly don't know what to say that would be helpful.

Gosh that is an unexpected and difficult outcome for the inquest

Just wishing you peace and strength it's a long slow journey but you will get there step by little step.

I'm glad to hear that it went better than you expected.

I'm sorry there wasn't more of a resolution of this for you, but I guess that's just life, isn't it? We never get answers to the questions we really need answers for.

You believe what your heart tells you is true. Anything else doesn't really matter, does it? You knew him best, after all. What you decide to be true for you, that's what will help you move ahead.

Sorry that it's left you with so many questions still unanswered. How are you and the kids doing now?

Goodness me im missing that beautiful man more and more as each hour goes by. I just don't understand how it's possible that I won't see that beautiful face and those gorgeous blue eyes ever again. And his laugh! God, I miss that laugh. He said only I could make him really really laugh and he was right. Ive never heard him laugh with anyone else the way he laughed with me. He genuinely was a little piece of me and I'm a little piece of him. We had been through so much together and come out the other side, or so I thought. He didn't deserve this. He was such a good man. I can't explain to you all how amazing he was. He's too wonderful for words.
I feel like the world is passing me by. I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me has gone and I'll never be the same again. How am I going to live a lifetime without him? We were the perfect family. We had it all. I genuinely believe that he injected more fun into our kids lives in the 4 and 5 years that they had him than most fathers do in a whole lifetime. He made every single aspect of every single day fun. He could turn the most mundane of tasks into a game. I haven't hesrd the kids laugh like they did with him since he's been gone.
It's so unfair. I love him endlessly. No one will ever compare to him in my eyes.

MIL is causing my anxiety to rocket. I'm considering asking my parents to organise the kids contact with her so I don't have to see her. I come away from her house every week in tears.
She also messaged a male friend of mine on Facebook yesterday asking what his involvement with me is as my kids talk to her about him and his son a lot. This guy has been my friend for years and his son is the same age as mine so we have gone to soft play with them and he has done a few jobs around the house for me and is currently helping me find a new car. Just as I meet up with my female friends and they help me with things too.
I don't know what im doing wrong and why she hates me so much. I'm really trying

I haven't posted on your thread before, but my heart goes out to you.
I have been affected by suicide and cocaine addiction by people close to me.

Your MIL is still in the anger phase of grief by the sound of things. She has lost her son in the most awful way and is not behaving rationally. In no way am I excusing her behaviour, but she sounds ill.

I think your idea to delegate contact arrangements is a good one - it will give you each some space.

I don't know what to advise regarding facebook and your friend. Facebook causes so much trouble IMO.

It's very harsh to say so, but your mother-in-law only has herself to blame if she is not blaming you. She is in no way accepting the verdict of the coroner that he had taken cocaine before he died, she is not being realistic and refuses to face the horrible truth.
What is the reasone the children visit her regularly? Do they want to?

Oh dear. I know you were talking at one point about moving closer to your family. Have you given up that plan?

I know your MiL is still hurting. She probably sees your friend as a 'threat' to her son's memory. Foolish. But the fact remains that it is your life. If you found someone tomorrow and married him the day after it really is none of her business. I know that's not happening, but you get my meaning.

It may be harsh, but if MiL is going to interfere in your life to that extent (contacting your friend is outrageous), if may be time to have the DC step back and not see her so much. I have a feeling that rather than the DC 'talking about him' that she is probably asking interrogating them about him, and the extent of your relationship with him. The next step in this will be her saying things to the DC about you 'forgetting' their father, or 'trying to replace him'. Untrue of course, but I think this whole thing may have unhinged her a bit. I'm not unsympathetic, it would devastate me to lose one of my sons. But there is a fine line, and she has crossed it. My cousin's widower started dating around 10 months and remarried about 18 months after she died. It was very hard on my uncle and aunt, but they kept their mouths shut.

If you don't feel you can talk to MiL about not discussing your friend with the children and if you are coming home in tears every time because (I assume) of digs she's made or things she's said, then it is time to change the dynamics of the relationship. Having your parents shuttle the children will be a way to shelter you from her. But what about sheltering the children? Unless you are sure that she is not saying things to them that should not be said, that she's not pumping them for info about your doings, then they need to be kept away from her.

I'm so sorry Mama. The last thing you need from MIL is more anxiety or upset. If she can't be civil then yes I would ask a third party to be a go between.
Think of you often. You have been so brave and amazing. Wishing you strength.

The DC have said that she asks them questions like "does A kiss mummy?" And "does A give you cuddles?" And "have you seen A this week?".
When A text me last week, DD was on my phone and saw the message and said "it's A but don't worry, I won't tell nanny". Ive never told DC to keep secrets. I'm an open book and have nothing to hide.
The DC see MIL so often because it's what MIL wants. I would prefer overnight contact every other week rather than every week as I struggle being without them.
I don't know what to do.
A has replied to MIL stating its none of her business but we are friends and he cares a great deal for me and the DC. He let rip a bit about the way she has treated me and said she needs to open her eyes to the fact that DH was so unwell. He told her that I do a great job with the kids despite me grieving.

Good reply from A!!

Honestly, I think you have two alternatives. The first being a warning to your MiL that if she continues down this path you will reduce or eliminate contact, end of. The warning should be in the form of a verbal conversation. Put nothing in writing as she will show it around and possibly spin it to use it against you. Or use it against you in court (see paragraph below). The second alternative being you just cut or reduce without explanation or have a third party (your parents?) speak to her.

Now, I don't want to panic you and I may be wrong, but IIRC in the UK, grandparents can request leave from the courts to petition for visitation rights over grandchildren IF they can prove they've been a major part of their lives. I just don't know what 'major part' consists of. But it may behoove you to speak to a family law solicitor regarding this. Something tells me that, unfortunately, your MiL isn't going to stop this and that she wouldn't be beyond threatening you with legal proceedings if you found it in the children's best interests to stop contact.

What a mess! You really, really do not need this! She is stepping way, way over the mark!

A text me last week, DD was on my phone and saw the message and said "it's A but don't worry, I won't tell nanny". Ive never told DC to keep secrets. I'm an open book and have nothing to hide.

No, but it may very well be that MiL has told them 'don't tell Mummy I asked about such-and-such' involving A. Children pick up on that sort of thing easily and could translate it into 'we mustn't talk about A'. Either that or they've picked up her 'tone' when asking or they've overheard her speaking to others about 'you and A'.

Hello MamaTeeTee, well done for getting through it al, when you have so much pain to bear. You are being a great Mum to your kids.

Your MIL's behaviour is completely out of order, and I am glad A had his say over it. I am sure she is deranged with grief, and feels wildly jealous and protective of the memory of her son, but it is a big shame she is letting herself down by separating herself from you in this way.

You are the kids' Mum - you have the right to ask her NOT to use them to ask questions about your life. Tell her that you have o secrets and you don't expect your kids to be asked to keep secrets. Tell her the kids love her and you are glad they have a relationship with her, but if she uses them to try and spy, rather than just being a great Nan, you will not be happy about them spending time with her.

It is making a sad situation needlessly worse - you may not be able to get her to control herself, all you can do is tell her how it makes you feel.

Do you think it might be time to take back some control MamaTeeTee? Your mil seems to think she can call the shots and ride roughshod over your feelings. I hope she has not be saying that she has a 'right' to see the children whenever she wants as no such 'right' exists. You need to do what is best for you and for the children and not let mil dictate what she wants. I know that is a hard thing to do as your mil has been such a support to you in the past and to now say that you don't want to do as she wants is very hard. But it would worry me that the children feel they have to keep 'secrets' about a friend who has been a great help to you. They should not have to and it is another reason why it might be wise to curb contact to once every fortnight to begin with and maybe once a month in a few months time.

I too think that you need to scale back the MIL visits a bit.

Remind your DC that there are no secrets that they can't tell you, only that we keep nice surprised like birthday presents etc.

Secrets is what got us into this mess in the first place. If DH had been honest about his addiction when it began, maybe he could have been saved. I have told the kids we aren't to have secrets and that I'll always answer their questions as honestly as I can. Ive also told them if MIL asks them questions they aren't comfortavke with, they're welcome to say "it's none of your business".
Hopefully the message from A will hit home a bit. He has been brilliant since day 1 in all fairness to him. What a good guy. My anxiety has been through the roof the last couple of weeks. I struggle to breathe at times. It's horrible.

I am considering scaling back the contact to one night for tea in the week and over night EOW. For the kids sake as well as mine.

That sounds like a more appropriate arrangement.

Do the DC object to going?

No they don't mind going but DD sometimes iMessages me from her ipad to come and pick her up. The one time I did, MIL wasn't happy so I haven't picked her up again.

I think scaling back is a good idea. And if DD messages to come home, please go get her. Better MiL be upset than DD, iyswim.

"No they don't mind going but DD sometimes iMessages me from her ipad to come and pick her up. The one time I did, MIL wasn't happy so I haven't picked her up again."
Sorry Mama but you are putting your mil feelings before your own dd!

If she asks to be picked up - always pick her up, your MIL doesn't matter your DD does.
Definitely scale back the contact.
And I'd be inclined to confront her directly. She needs to stop asking probing questions of the children when they are there - or you will stop contact because it is not good for them.